-Chris Harrison with another early morning appearance at the mansion to 11 disheveled women who’ve just woken up and haven’t even looked in the mirror yet. Yikes. Tells everyone there’ll be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a 2-on-1 date but then finished with, “That’s not at all. Pack your bags because you’ll be meeting Sean….” The anticipation was building, the women have all these different crazy, exotic locations floating around in their heads, until Chris polishes it off with, “…in Montana.” I think I heard crickets in the mansion. Hey, not saying Montana isn’t a lovely, scenic place but I’m guessing exactly zero of the 11 women left thought that would be the location coming out of Chris’ mouth. Sean says he’s an outdoorsy kinda guy who loves to camp and canoe and be active in the outdoors. Sorry Sean, although you and I are alike in every possible way imaginable, I guess there’s finally a difference between us. While you’re camping getting poison ivy, sleeping outside, and being one with nature, I’d much rather be feet up at the Sportsbook in Vegas, or out poolside getting drinks at Tao Beach, or better yet, hitting points like a crazy son of a bitch at craps. You take your canoe rides, while I roll hard ways and collect my winnings.
-You know what happened after Chris announced where they were going? A lot of screaming and giggling. Pretty much what we see every season, although this one was probably done after getting over the shock that ummmmm, well, it was Montana they were headed to. The first date card arrives and it’s for Lindsay. Inexplicably, she starts crying. Wait, the date hasn’t happened yet. Has anyone ever cried because they actually GOT the date? Plenty have cried after getting shut out or stuck on a crappy group date, but I can’t remember someone cried out of happiness for getting a date. Lindsay is so happy, she decides to dress like a lumberjack. Or did she just borrow one of the other girls checkered flannel shirts? Regardless, she is so pumped for this date, she’s completely lost her mind. How do I know this? Because when they walk outside to a helicopter about to take them away, Lindsay asks, “Is that a helicopter?” Ummmm, last time I checked it was. You know, black, only seats a couple, has a propeller, yeah. That’s what we call a helicopter. What do you call it? I’m guessing having a dad in the military definitely increased Lindsay’s knowledge of air transportation. She’s a bright one, that Lindsay.
-They take a helicopter ride over Glacier National Park then settle on a picnic at Blackfeet Indian Reservation. Oh, I’m sure that made the Native Americans very happy. I can’t tell you how many times Chief Wakahoma has emailed me telling me his tribe mates all gather around the teepee on Monday nights to watch this show. As if the Native Americans in this country haven’t already been disrespected enough as it is, now this crappy ass show is holding picnics on their sacred ground. I half expected Sean and Lindsay to mimic some sort of Indian tribal dance just to plunge that knife in a little deeper. Instead, Sean just tells her “That’s why I like you so much…cuz you’re not high maintenance.” Was it just me, or did we get maybe 30 seconds of this picnic? Before you knew it, they were at commercial and I’d barely seen these two talk about anything. All they did was give each other CPR and say how much they enjoyed each other’s company, even though we didn’t really see anything that made us understand why they enjoyed each other’s company. Oh my bad, we’re supposed to be rushing through this date so this episode can turn into the Tierra LiCausi show. How could I forget?
-They’re having drinks in the lodge as Sean looks deeply into Lindsay’s eyes to tell her, “Today was so much fun with you.” Oh I bet it was. Too bad none of us saw it. Did they just hand director credits to Tierra for this episode while everyone else on crew took a nap or went hiking in the mountains? Seriously, whose idea was it to focus 50% of this episode to the woman most hated by everyone watching it right now? I’ve never felt more rushed through someone’s 1-on-1 date than I date last night with Sean and Lindsay. Sure, over drinks she told him about how she was an army brat, moved around a lot, and her dad wasn’t there all the time, but that’s about the deepest thing we got in a 10 minute date that was mostly spent kissing. I’m sure they talked about plenty of stuff – none of which we saw. Even during Lindsay’s date, we get a shot back at the hotel with the remaining girls awaiting the group date card. It’s established that Tierra and Jackie aren’t on the group date, thus placing them on the 2-on-1 date. Tierra specifically states, “I’m excited for the 2-on-1 date,” a tone that changes 180 degrees within the next 24 hours.
-Sean gives Lindsay the rose, but then has one more surprise for her. Well, she was surprised. Those in Montana weren’t since days before that date happened, flyers were passed all around town about Sara Darling holding a concert on the street for a network television show. For those that weren’t reading back on October 12th, then let me get you caught up. Someone in attendance that night at the concert was nice enough to email me and let me in on everything that happened from the time she arrived for the concert. Here you go…
Here is how everything went from when we got there to when we left. We showed up about 730. The crew had the singer come out and explained to everyone she would be singing 2 songs over and over and to at least try and sing along and act excited. The “cast” would be out and to be excited to see them. Sarah sang a few songs, (she was very pretty) and then they started filming the crowd a little bit. After the 5th time of songs, the guy came back out and explained that the “cast” would come around the corner and everyone needed to be quiet until they turned the corner and then start screaming. He motioned to be quiet and then a couple of dudes walked up on the platform. You could really tell the girls there that got all dolled up in hopes of seeing Sean, one looked just like Courtney Stodden, that 18 yr old married to the 60 yr old, and she literally said, “If he actually makes eye contact with me there is no way he won’t want to take me home, that is how it always goes.” I was dying laughing. She then said they must have misplaced her audition tape because who wouldn’t want to date her. I turned and said, “Well clearly a lot of people if you are still single.” She didn’t think I was funny.
Anyway, they silence everyone, and in walk Sean and Lindsay walk up and she is just smiling. She is freaking tiny, like, TINY. She already had that rose in her hand and then they awkwardly dance, his hands weren’t even touching on her back. She kept rubbing his neck with her hand and they were talking and he was kinda quietly laughing, and I think in the second song they kissed. After the song the camera lady next to me said “Sean, I am shooting up your guys nose. I need to be right on the platform with you.” Some people in the crowd asked if they liked it in Whitefish, and they both said yes, and Sean said its really beautiful and that Montana has been hidden away and he wants to come back (but what else is he supposed to say? ). They ask where they ate he said we ate at the lodge then took a gondola ride, it was gorgeous. I was surprised he didn’t say “amazing” but I am sure he said that a lot in his ITM. The camera from up top said, “Sean spin her around.” There was no music so he did, and then he said “okay, now the other way and do it faster.” I wanted to yell “That’s what she said” so bad, but I refrained. Then as Sean was getting instructions on what to do next (lead her to the stage and kiss her), Lindsay asked production for some chapstick. I jokingly said I had some and she asked to use it. I let her and then Sean asked if he could. I said I didn’t know if I wanted it back as the lips have probably kissed alot of women. He said “It’s still early” and laughed. Who the hell uses random chapstick? At one point during the dance she had to ask him to kiss her. He seems a little uncomfortable still in front of cameras.
Sara plays another song, and they dance again, they kissed and it seemed she wanted to all out make out, (maybe she is used to that sort of thing in a bar when you are drunk making out with the guy you just met not sure) because her mouth was totally over his mouth like she was kinda wanting to eat his face so it was a lil weird. But he just pecked and it was done, then she randomly jumped up and wrapped her legs around him. It was a slow song, I am not sure what caused that. Then the production guy on stage waved at them and had them get off the platform and go to the stage. Sean asked the singer if he could say something and he thanked the crowd for being there and helping make his date with Lindsay special and she just smiled. That is when I left, I had been there long enough. As I was leaving they told the people by the platform they were going to have Sean and Lindsay fall into the crowd, so then Sean and Lindsay crowd dived and people were holding them up as they made their way through.
So there ya’ go. As natural and organic as two people going on a date for the first time can be, huh? Laughable.