-The group date in Montana will let Sean see how the women can rough it in the outdoors. “I don’t necessarily need an outdoorsman wife…” Wait, huh? I think the word he was looking for would be “outdoorswoman.” An “outdoorsman wife” seems like someone that, well, would be a dude with effeminate qualities. I don’t think Sean is looking for that. But hey, what do I know? The women show up and it’s gonna be a relay race to determine the winner and who gets more time with Sean. They’ll be split into teams of 4 randomly chosen by Chris Harrison, then they will compete in a canoe race, then will buck hay, then saw through a 12″ log (not Seans, a much longer one), then milk a goat. But then whoever chugs the goat milk quickest is the winner. The Red Team was Selma, Desiree, Sarah, and Robyn vs the Blue Team of AshLee, Lesley, Catherine, and Daniella. Selma and Robyn started out canoeing for the Red Team and I think they were either already drunk or maybe Sean smelled bad that day because they looked like they wanted no part of trying to win a canoe race. And they didn’t. Catherine and Lesley finished light years before they did, but then by some miracle editing, by the end of the hay bucking, the Red Team was back out front. Is this “Survivor” now? Jeff Probst was sitting back laughing watching Chris and Sean narrate this race.
-The Red Team remained out front in the saw challenge and got to the goat milking first. Their goat apparently didn’t like to be fondled like they were fondling him so he kicked over their jar of milk. But since the Blue Team was apparently an hour and a half behind the Red Team at this point, it didn’t matter. Desiree takes one for the team and chugs her jar of milk like it was Chardonnay. Desiree: “That goat milk was warm and it was coming out of my mouth and nose.” Look, this show borders on the sexual innuendos on a weekly basis, but c’mon. Desiree swallowing a jar of milk as we all watch it drip out the sides of her mouth and come out of her nose? I don’t want to say that Desiree’s milk drinking scenes were reminiscent of anything you’d find on RedTube but, ummmmmm, well it was. Desiree, believe it or not, there are women in this world that get paid to do that for a living. Crazy, huh? Their parents must be proud. Unfortunately for you, you had to basically simulate the Angry Dragon on national television and never received a penny for it. I’m sorry. Maybe next time.
-The losing team is bummed out and are headed back to the lodge, but little do they know, good news awaits them. Because Sean is such a rebel (i.e. – producers told him to) and he’s all about “breaking the rules” this season, he sends Chris Harrison to the girls lodge to tell them that he wants the losing team to join them at the cocktail party. Something that when you think about it, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, since what’s the point of having any sort of challenge then? If the Red Team would’ve lost, would he have done the same thing? Sure, he might be making his own “rules,” but it’s obvious this was a producer driven change-up to the storyline. Yet, this infuriates the winning team even more, especially Desiree, who just downed a jar of juices from the insides of a goat so her team could win, and now she has nothing to show for it. She is not a happy camper. As she shouldn’t be. Talk about playing favorites, geesh. Not to mention that three of Sean’s final five girls are on the losing team. I’m sure that didn’t play much of a role. Desiree gets milk funneling out of her nose to win a challenge, and now girls like Daniella get just as much time with him as she did. Nice. Sean seemed to have lost his marbles somewhere in Montana. He was a grumpy little b**ch this episode.
-Of course once Tierra saw that the losing girls team still got to go meet Sean out that night, you knew she’d act very calm and level headed about the whole situation. Or not. “The losing team gets more time with him, and I’m on the 2-on-1…I need to go find Sean and find out what’s up.” Wait a second, yesterday you were telling us how excited you were to be on a 2-on-1 because you were sick of group dates. Oh, you forgot to take your meds this morning? Ahhhhh, I see. Makes sense. Sorry about that. Continue. So anyone who is either new to this show and how it works, or just can’t put 2 and 2 together, should know that of course Tierra didn’t just leave on her own and find Sean. Producers bring it up to her as something they want her to do, obviously she agrees to it, and she did it without the other girls realizing it, just like Ben and Courtney skinny dipping in Puerto Rico and the other women not having a clue. This is where this show ceases becoming about love, and soulmates, and finding a wife, and becomes about being a TV show. Why wouldn’t Jackie want to do this? Why just Tierra? Because Jackie was probably kept in the dark about it all as well. Silly, manufactured drama that was done strictly for television purposes and to build Tierra’s character. Nothing more, nothing less. Here’s an email I received this morning from a Montana native which shows that Tierra didn’t just decide to walk downstairs and find Sean:
“Thought maybe you should let some of your readers know that there is NO WAY Tierra walked from the Lodge to Casey’s that night to “look” for Sean. It is about a 2 miles apart, and she wouldn’t know where to go. I mean, yes it is small, but no, she did not walk. Nor did Lindsay and Sean, they were driven there, and when they pulled up all of there were asked to be quiet until they turned around the corner. Also we don’t sit around and bail hay and milk goats. We have running water, drive cars, and get our milk from the grocery store, at least I do anyways. I did notice that the girls were clearly told to pack boots for outdoors, and Catherine and Lindsay actually wore functional boots, not boots you would fall on your ass walking around in the snow.”
Well there you go. Montana sounds thrilled by the accurate portrayal of life there.
-So already the Red Team is pissed off Sean has invited the losers to join them. Especially Selma. “When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry.” I have no idea what Selma does when she gets angry, but whatever it is, it wasn’t important enough to show us on television. All she does is tells us she’s mad, and then we’re treated to more rainbows and sunshine that is Tierra who arrives unannounced while Sean is filming an ITM. And whaddya’ know, at that exact time is being asked, “Are you expecting any more surprises this evening?” Wow. Couldn’t be more transparent if they tried. And why is Tierra wearing the blue team’s “jersey” right now? Is there some sort of law that when you’re in Montana, you must wear checkered flannel shirts? There’s one person who never wore a checkered flannel shirt this episode, and that was Jackie. So just for that alone, I think Sean should’ve proposed to Jackie and the show could’ve ended 3 weeks into filming right there. So at no point when all 8 girls were at the cocktail party, and Tierra leaves to go find Sean, does Jackie or Lindsay (the only two who’d be back at the hotel at this point) have a clue she’s left to go see him? No suspicions at all about why the Little Ball of Hate isn’t stewing off in a corner somewhere or crying in her room because she’s, well, a Little Ball of Hate? Very shady if you ask me.
-And at least if you’re gonna pretend to make us think Tierra just randomly left on her own to see Sean even though she probably doesn’t know Montana’s streets from her a**hole, couldn’t they have had her screaming in that high pitched whiny voice of hers for Sean? I mean, the people of Croatia didn’t seem to mind Sean screaming Emily’s name. Oh wait, that’s because they took his “Emily” calls from a completely different episode but only made you think it was when he was running the streets of Croatia. However, I’m guessing the patrons of Whitefish probably would’ve attacked Tierra with fiery pitchforks if they heard that squeal in the middle of the night on their streets. So she finally hunts Sean down, comes up behind him and blindfolds him with her hands, and asks to talk to him outside. Tierra: “I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you, and what the heck, I got the 2-on-1.” Again, she had no problem with this date the day before, but in her Little Ball of Hating world, she must b**ch about something and draw attention to herself. And it sure worked because Sean had already either had too much to drink or producers roofied his drink because there is zero explanation for why he’d be remotely interested in Tierra at this point, regardless of if he sees how she acts around the women or not. He knows there’s something going on, and now producers let her specifically come to see him on a group date without the other women knowing? Sean, you’re dumb. Moving on.
-Time for Desiree to send her once flourishing relationship with Sean backwards as she can’t hide the fact she’s pissed off that the Blue Team got to join them on the group date. She subtly bitches to Sean about them being there, until AshLee interrupts and now we see why Desiree, who was the front runner in the non-spoiled public eyes after episode 2, doesn’t last farther than final four. Safe to say Sean was put off by Desiree not focusing her attention on the fact that she did get alone time with him and focused on why others got to be there. Oh Desiree, Desiree, Desiree…when will you people ever learn? Of course, AshLee is becoming just as delusional because now she thinks that the reason Sean asked the losing team to join them was because he wanted to see HER. I’m glad you have that much confidence in yourself AshLee, but considering what the outcome of this season ends up being, I think we know now why the losing team was invited to that party. And here’s a hint: it wasn’t because of your OCD ass. Go back to the hotel, make your bed 18 times, stock up on Purell, and make sure you count Catherines in your head before falling asleep. Easy there, girl. It’s ok. Not everything is always about you.
-Sean gets some time with Catherine outside and we get the real reason why the losing team was brought back. Sean: “Catherine is someone that all I want to do is snuggle with her.” Really? That’s all. What an amazing courtship this is going to be. If his butterfly kisses and nose rubs with Selma in last week’s deleted scenes weren’t vomit-inducing enough for you, now we get snuggle time with Catherine. Oh happy day. The jean jammin’ between these two might cause enough sparks to set them on fire. Be careful guys. They’re already starting with Catherine sitting on his lap, and whaddya’ know, a producer sends Daniella out to go get Sean only to see Catherine being held like an infant, sending Daniella into tears. This girl is already completely trashed and now you’re making her witness Catherine on Sean’s lap? Damn. Cruel joke. Hence, the water works start immediately as she goes back to Desiree and starts bawling. Then, in either a brilliant strategic move, or her just being an emotional drunk, she starts crying in front of Sean. “It’s hard seeing all the girls in the house connecting with you. I’m sorry…” Sean then informs her of some connection they have that none of us have seen four seconds of, but whatever. Daniella ends up getting the group date pity rose. So not only does he allow the losing team to join them, he also gives the rose to someone from the losing team. I feel like at this point, Sean should’ve gone complete heel, turned on the cameras, started whacking women over the heads with chairs, grabbed a mic and cut a CM Punk-like promo. Sorry. Wrestling reference.