Dr. Reality Steve
This first one is referencing the first email in last week’s “Dr. Reality Steve” column in which a woman was having an affair with a guy, broke it off, is in a new relationship, but still feels the need to talk to her affair guy.”
Wow. I just got done reading the first letter in your Dr. Reality Steve column and I felt compelled to write you. I am the broadcaster turned Psych student. 🙂 My career path changed after my husband and I went through a tumultuous time in our marriage a few years ago. We both re-committed and I have dedicated my life to helping others in need. My husband and I also run a marriage ministry that helps couples in need, and we do counseling, as well. Which brings me to my next point.
The girl in the e-mail FRUSTRATES ME!! You gave some good advice but here is what people have to remember about affairs (and something you can ponder for future advice columns), you can equate them to life on “The Bachelor.” It’s a fantasy world! This “Mike” guy was a fantasy for her. She could have all of the good sex (because it was forbidden and secretive is why it was so good), he could wine and dine her, they could trade racy e-mails and texts, and that’s it. Sexy, sexy. It’s LUST. Let me say it again, LUST, LUST, LUST. Do you really think this passionate sex and soul mate connection would’ve continued when they left their spouses and moved in together? H to the NO! During the affair she wasn’t having to pick up his dirty socks, clean the toilet after he got sick, pay the bills together, deal with kid stuff, all she was having to do is have great sex and do the fun things in a relationship. It was a fantasy, not reality. I would be willing to bet that if they had gotten married, it would’ve ended in divorce and the cause for that divorce would be because of one of them cheating. 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 60 something percent of 2nd marriages end in divorce, and 70 percent of 3rd marriages end in divorce. Get my drift? It’s time to wake up and get out of la la land people!
One more thing, she needs to have a NO CONTACT rule with him. When trying to end an affair you have to do this. No texts, calls, e-mails, etc. The first bump in her new marriage and she will be back in this guys arms. Nothing good can come of this, especially now that she has kids from 2 different marriages and the kids are the ones that end up suffering the most.
Whew. Needed to get that off my chest. Do what you will with it and keep up the good work!
Comment: Thanks. I agree with all of that. Hopefully the person who sent in that email happens to be reading what you just wrote.
I hope it’s not weird that a guy is emailing you since all the emails I see are mostly from women, but I could use a guy’s opinion on this who doesn’t know me or anything about my situation.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years. I’m 36 and she’s 31. We are serious and we’ve talked about marriage and are close to it. We have a great relationship, and she’s an amazing girl and I have nothing to complain about.
Well about 6 months ago her father passed away and it was hard for her and her family. I was there for her through everything and did everything I could to be there for her and try to understand even though it’s hard to truly understand when someone has a parent die unless you’ve been through it (which I haven’t). Yet I did everything I could for her and tried to be there for her. If I did anything wrong I have no idea what I did.
So this is where my problem comes in. I feel like ever since her dad passed she’s been distant and almost pushing me away. I sometimes worry she’s getting depressed but she seems fine around her girl friends. She still laughs with them and hangs out with them. But around me she has less to say and seems very serious all the time (she is normally a real funny girl). After 6 months its not like we’re close to breaking up or anything but she’s just not the same person. And I don’t know what to do about it. I was almost ready to propose but now I feel like she’s so distant that I don’t even know if she’d say yes. Do you think she might be depressed or did I do something wrong? I know she’s not cheating or anything like that. And she’s still working her same career and everything else in her life seems normal again. It’s like it’s just me. But I hope not. What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Comment: Hey, a dude emailed me. This has gotta be a first for “Dr. Reality Steve,” no? It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. She went through the loss of a parent, and I have no idea what’s that like, so it’s pretty impossible to give you a good assessment of your situation. Maybe it’s just the up and downs of grieving where she’s normal with her friends, but different around you. Have you told her this? What’s been her response? I think this is something you need to ask her since I haven’t experienced the loss of a loved one. Sorry I couldn’t be more help, but, maybe you guys should go to counseling. Maybe that will get her to open up more about why things seemed to have changed between the two of you.
Hi Dr. Steve,
So I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years and when we first got together, he was more interested in playing the field then being in a relationship with me. His cousin (a male) who was visiting town and got to know me, ended up convincing him that he would lose me if he didn’t want a relationship, and he smartened up and we’ve been dating since. Since then, the cousin and I have been friends, and I’ve always had a soft spot for him because he was a good guy. He had a girlfriend during that time, so we didn’t speak much (he lives in another state). But after he and his girlfriend broke up, he started calling me (which was somewhat unusual because we would just text once in a while). He would call about once a week for a year, and I really enjoyed our conversations, which were usually at least an hour. My boyfriend has no problem with it because he loves us and trusts us. Even when I would go to his state for some other reason, I would make time to hang out with just him and it was really nice. There was some flirting at times, but we both would never act on it. We just enjoyed each other’s company.
However, he ended up getting a new girlfriend and it didn’t change things for the first couple months, but now that they are serious (dating over a year), it seems like he has gradually cut me out! I feel like I just got used for company or something while he was single, and now has no desire to be friends with me. Before, he’d call me all the time, like while he was driving home at night, or grocery shopping, or waiting an airport, and now, he never does, but if I call him, he will pick up and we’ll talk about 10 minutes before he ends the conversation with some excuse. I have met the girlfriend and she seems nice and we got along, but do you think she told him to distance himself from me? Or, has he just fallen madly in love with her and therefore sees no reason or has no time to maintain a friendship with any other girls? He knows I care about him a lot and I’ve been there for him for some tough times, and I see him like my family. But now I just miss him a lot, and only talk to him once a month (if that), and that’s if I make the effort to call! What do you think I should do? Should I just stop calling him as well and just give up on the relationship, or should I mention it to him the next time I talk to him how I miss him and how’s changed with the new girlfriend (I am not leaning towards this option because it seems clingy). Either way, what do you think has happened, and as well, what should I do? By the way, he still has time to call my boyfriend almost every week, where as before, he would call me all the time and not him as much. So it doesn’t have to do with the fact that he’s mega busy. I just miss talking to him and want to know what has changed!
Comment: I think this is just a product of someone getting a significant other and pretty much cutting out a lot of people in their lives. It happens. We’ve all done it. If he wants to talk to you more, he will. But something tells me either he just feels guilty doing it, regardless of how platonic your relationship is, or he’s just one of those people. Or a combination of the two. I’d stop calling him.
If he breaks up with his girlfriend at some point, then is back on hounding you with phone calls and texts, then maybe give him a little sh*t about how he cut you out and now that he’s single, he’s back. Tell him you didn’t appreciate it, and if he gets another girlfriend again, you’d hope he doesn’t do it again.
I have a lot of guy friends but they never give me unbiased advice and you seem to be really good at this stuff so here goes:
Guy #1: I have been running into my college boyfriend a lot lately (we work near each other) so we agreed to have drinks. We dated just after college for a year (we’re in our 30s now) and he just stopped calling without explanation. At the time I didn’t care because I was young and I didn’t know what I wanted anyway. A few years later, we reconnected but it turned into an FWB situation which I didn’t want so he stopped calling me in that capacity. We remained on good terms.
He got married a few years later and we lost touch. About two years ago, he asked a mutual friend about me and was I still single and they needed to set me up with someone, I’m too awesome of a girl to be alone. And something like when he was younger he let a lot of good ones go. I didn’t read too much into those comments because I was hearing this through another friend so who knows what really was said.
Now he’s separated four years and like I said, we met for drinks recently about a month ago. He was talking about his ex and all the drama and he said something like he married her because she was the first girl he met that made him want to get married. That stung because he dated her after he dated me twice. After drinks he asked me to go away with him the following weekend with all his friends and his family. I already had plans but told him to call me on the way back so we can have dinner. I also told him I was seeing someone, it wasn’t serious, and I didn’t know how I felt about the guy (I have since moved on). He didn’t call but did call me last week to meet again for drinks. He said he was staying in the city (he was going to a sports game and didn’t want to drive back to the city for work the next day). He said I could crash if I wanted to. I’m not interested in an FWB so I simply said that night wasn’t good for me so he wants to reschedule drinks for next Friday–no mention of staying over.
I don’t want to be this guy’s fallback girl and I don’t want to waste my time. Should I even bother going for drinks again considering both times he asked me to stay over and he waited weeks to ask me out again?
Guy #2: I met this foreign guy on the beach over Labor Day weekend. We hung out all weekend and I made it clear I was not a hook up kind of girl. He hung out with me anyway and then got my number, made two dates with me but then never called. A few weeks ago, I was bored and looked him on Facebook. He accepted my friend request and turns out he moved to yet another country. He’s trying to get back to the U.S. and said he wants to meet up for drinks when he comes back. Considering he never called me, and I probably should have let that go, is it a bad idea to meet him for drinks? Won’t he think it’s for a hook up since I contacted him?
Guy #3: A mutual friend was in town from out of state with a few of her friends and she introduced me a few weeks ago to a friend of hers who lives in my town. We all spent several days together and he appeared to be interested—even asked me out several times in front of all the friends ( I said yes). I really thought we clicked, we even made out the last night. But he never called!! So my mutual friend urged me to call him (which I never do if a guy doesn’t call because 99% of the time it’s because he’s not interested and I get an awkward response if I do). He, as expected, gave me an awkward response and then blew me off. She told me he moved to my city several months ago with his girlfriend. They broke up, he lost his job, and now he has to renew his lease or move. Also—my friend really oversold me. She told him I modeled when I was in my early 20s and I recently started my own business and am doing very well financially. Usually I don’t tell guys that or when I do, it’s much later on once they know me and realize I’m just a regular down-to-earth girl. My guess is he didn’t call because of his situation unless he’s simply not interested. Which makes no sense because then why would he ask me out three times over a long weekend?!? In my experience, if it’s bad timing, he usually starts dating the woman he meets right after the timing improves. I am always a victim of bad timing and it sucks. Of course I’m most into guy #3 because we seemed to really hit it off. What are the chances he calls when his situation improves and if so, isn’t he kind of a jerk for blowing me off in the first place? Should I just forget it?
Comment: Guy #1: You’re his fall ball girl and he wants to bang you. Nothing more, nothing less. If you’re horny and lonely, call him. Anything else, don’t expect sh*t from him.
Guy #2: Why even bother? Unless you want some free drinks (even that’s not guaranteed), I don’t even see the point of meeting up with him.
Guy #3: Forget him.
You’ve really met some quality guys here…ha ha. Find someone that actually calls you back, follows up on dates, and wants you for more than a piece of ass.
Dr. Reality Steve,
This isn’t a “love” question but I would appreciate if you addressed it.
I recently got engaged and I’m trying to figure out my bridal party. I have been friends with a girl since we were in kindergarten. We went to elementary and middle school together but different high school, college and grad schools. We have maintained a close relationship up until a year and a half/almost two years ago. We have always had a relationship where sometimes we didn’t talk for a month or so in college but then we would call and pick up where we left off and at other times we would talk daily.
However, almost two years ago a series of small, minor events took place and I realized she just wasn’t being there for me the way I wish she had been. Growing up I was always there for her, when her parents divorced, when she was suicidal I talked her into getting counseling, when she had a “whore” stage I didn’t approve but when she got hurt I was there for her, and when her sorority sister died. During all these times I would call and ask her how she was, etc. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she would never call and ask how I was doing. I don’t think I am an attention whore but this rubbed me the wrong way. But then several small things happened and the final straw was me taking her on a weekend vacation free (i even paid food and drinks) in exchange for asking for help while she was there. She never helped and was rude to my boyfriend the whole time. We have been dating 7 years and she has always been openly jealous of our relationship. I decided to cut off communication with her and we have had little contact since. Outside of birthday/holiday texts and a few others there was not much. Again, I was frustrated that she didn’t try harder to save our friendship. She would initiate contact the first couple months but then gave up.
At Christmas time I asked her to meet up for dinner because I wanted to give her a second shot and I just wasn’t ready to let a 20 + year friendship fail so quick. We have texted about once a week since.
This is my question: I have two sisters and a sister in law and I always envisioned picking her as my maid of honor so I wouldn’t have to choose a sister. Now, I’m questioning whether she should be in my wedding. I need one extra bridesmaid to make an even match with the groomsmen so I’m tempted to ask her to be in my wedding as a bridesmaid (maid of honor is out of the question). I’m worried if I don’t put her in my bridal party it will totally sabotage a long term friendship that could have been otherwise fixable. Obviously a big consideration is her jealousy of my relationship with my fiancé and her resentment for being single.
Comment: Sounds like a lot of trouble if she’s part of your wedding. The decision is yours. Based on what you told me, she’s a pretty sh**ty friend and doesn’t deserve to be part of your big day, but that’s just me. You seem to know what you’re getting with her, so it’s just a matter if you want to deal with it. Your call. I wouldn’t if I were you.
Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
I really hope you can help!
The story is this – my senior year of college I started dating this great guy. We stayed together for almost 3 years, but I was unhappy with how the relationship was going towards the end of year 3 (more fighting than good times, different goals) and ended it. Not so long after we broke up I met a new guy, also super awesome. We have been together ever since – going on 2.5 years.
The problem is this — I think about this ex a lot. It seems crazy since I ended it, but I seem to think about him at least once a day. I am attending grad school in the city he grew up in and where we hung out a lot, so everything seems to remind me of him. For the first year after we broke up this guy was still having a hard time with our breakup, but he has since moved on and is recently engaged. I frequently find myself thinking of good times, bad times, songs we liked, great dates, our favorite stories. I think of him when we haven’t seen each other in awhile, I get jealous and weird on the occasions when I randomly bump into him and his fiancée.
My ex essentially cut all ties (as best we could living in the same place, and having mutual friends) after I ended it and I have only spoken to him on a few occasions in the past few years. Now that he is engaged, this whole thing feels truly over. But I just can’t stop the memories and feelings from coming back at random times of the day. But like I mentioned above – I am dating a great guy, who actually knows about all of this and has been super supportive, and I just want this all to go away like something out of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
So my question is this – is this in any way normal? After all this time? After I ended it? Are there just some people you always miss? I think I’m crazy and feel so guilty (I really do love my boyfriend and I hope this situation isn’t some sign that we are doomed). My friends are so tired of hearing about this and my regrets and the unresolved feelings.
I appreciate any insight from fresh eyes.
Comment: Sure you’ll always miss people who were major parts of your life. Just don’t let it affect your current relationship. You’ve said you have a great boyfriend, this guy is engaged, and you rarely ever talk to him. Yes, it is kinda weird you’re obsessing about him as much as you are. You need to do whatever you can to put him out of your mind and focus on your relationship. He’s taken, he’s about to get married, and you’re in a relationship. Let it go. Nothing is gonna happen. Maybe you blew it by breaking up with him in the first place, maybe you didn’t, but the bottom line is you’ve both moved on. I don’t see where this would be coming from. Definitely weird. Just don’t let it affect your current relationship.
Hi, Dr. Steve.
This is not a question about a specific incident so much as relationships in general. You seem to have no problem being brutally honest with people and I think that’s something that I really need. When I broach this topic with friends it’s very clear that they have no idea what to say to me. End disclaimer…
Anyway, I am a 25 year old woman who has never really dated before. I’m not even remotely religious so it’s not about anything like that and I don’t think that I’m unattractive. I’ve had plenty of offers from different men over the years, but none really stuck out to me as anything special. I went on a few sporadic dates mostly because my friends begged me to try it, but I mostly felt bored. Nothing about them challenged or excited me… or made me feel anything like what my friends described feeling with their respective guys. Recently a friend of mine was complaining about how it’d been a year since he’d dated anyone seriously and finding a relationship basically dominated his thoughts. He said something along the lines of, “But you must know what that’s like… You’re always single”. The thing is, I have no idea what that’s like. I’ve never been in a relationship so I honestly have no clue what I’m missing to miss it. I just don’t think that way. When I was younger – like high school to twenty-two – there was usually some guy I’d have a crush on, but I’d never really pursue it or mention it to anyone. It just seemed a bit pointless, I guess.
Most of my female friends come to me for relationship advice despite my complete and total lack of experience because I’m pretty good at understanding people (save myself, apparently) and watching the crap they go through infuriates me. Most if not all of them allow guys to treat them like absolute crap. My guy friends often run around like crazy people dating girls who are subserviant and vapid to their faces and absolute bitches behind their backs. In my opinion the never-ending, dramatic relationship issues of my friends – and the high failure rate of relationships I’ve seen between most of the former generation as well – all stem from getting involved and serious before these people know who they are and what they want. They come to partially define themselves by their relationship status rather than asking themselves who they’d like to be as an individual. I can’t understand that for the life of me and I think my disinterest in relationships stems from that. I’ve done everything a bit backwards and at my own pace and I’m actually only a few months away from finishing my bachelor’s degree (finally). I’m starting to feel like I’m totally over my normal, adolescent insecurities and really comfortable with who I am as a person. I think that within the next two or three years I will be ready to try to figure all of that love stuff out.
Here is my big concern, though: I’ve spent years feeling almost superior to my friends in a way because instead of wasting my time crying over some relationship that would never work, I focused on myself and being the best version of me. I feel like I’m almost that person now, but it occurs to me that I’m basically a decade behind everyone in my demographic. I honestly never really stopped to think about it much – what I might be missing out on – until this year, really. I’m concerned that when I do decide to date more seriously I won’t have any idea what I’m doing or I’ll be an absolutely terrible person to date because I’ll have the knowledge level of a fifteen year old. I’m confident that I know what mistakes to avoid making, – like being clingy, needy, and crazy won’t be a problem for me at all – but it’ll be the hardest thing in the world to adjust my life to include another person. Plus, I’ve had people tell me before – particularly my guy friends – that I give off a total vibe of being unapproachable in that regard. Now that some friends are beginning to settle down or really start looking, I’m nervous that I’ve missed my chance. Was avoiding relationships – or never really trying, I guess – to figure out my own life a huge mistake? I’m I way too far behind? Is there even a guy in their mid to late 20s who would be into dating a girl who’s never really dated before? I hate to think that my lack of interest in this area previously means I’ll be like Steve Carrell in 40 Year Old Virgin some day. I’m kind of thinking maybe I would like to meet a guy I could be happy with, but if I haven’t even managed to meet a kind-of- likely candidate in 25 years who also seems interested in me then how likely is it that I could ever find someone? I’m worried that I’ve allowed myself to become pathetic and a complete lost cause.
Thanks, Dr. Steve. Please help me understand if I’ve ruined my chances at being happy and “normal”…
Comment: Whether or not avoiding relationships trying to figure out your own life was a huge mistake or not doesn’t matter – you did. You’re gonna have to start somewhere. Dating takes time and experience. Yes, you’re definitely behind the 8 ball, but doesn’t mean you’ll suck at it.
I’m being 100% honest when I say this – you definitely like guys, right? I mean, I have to ask considering your lack of experience in that situation. Who knows? Maybe the reason you haven’t dated any and don’t find any appealing is because you aren’t attracted to them? If you’re definitely not attracted to women, then you can’t force yourself to like certain guys and what not. Hard to say exactly what’s going on there, but it sounds like you just need to realize that not everyone dates in the same time frame and pattern and don’t beat yourself up over it. When it happens, it happens.
Dr. Reality Steve,
I’m hoping you could give me some advice on how to improve my relationship. I’m a 33 year old woman, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is also 33 for about a year and a half. We’ve known each other since we were little and even had crushes on each other while we were in high school, but we never dated and barely even talked until a year & a half ago, he and I spoke on Facebook, and decided to meet up. Since that day, we have been together ever since. In the beginning, it was absolutely amazing, but of course most relationships are, aren’t they? We were inseparable, and he moved in with me after only a month of dating. We’re still living together now.
My boyfriend is a really great guy. He’s honest, he’s caring & he’s trustworthy. I know that anything I needed, he would do for me. But we’re in such a rut and I’m starting to resent him. I want to save the relationship, but the longer I’m with him, the more bored I am and the more I feel like this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he loves me, but I can’t imagine that he’s happy, but I know he’ll never leave me. We never fight, but that’s just because he confuses being a nice guy with being a doormat- he will never bring up anything I do that might make him mad. We never fight, and if we do, it’s because I start it- he would never say a thing. He isn’t good with money, and isn’t the smartest guy in the world, but he’s got a good heart, he just lets everyone walk all over him. It makes me feel like I have to be in charge all the time and that’s not what I want. And we never have sex. I mean EVER. I used to be mad about it, but at this point, I don’t even want it anymore. In a year and a half of living together, we’ve had sex maybe 20 times. It’s usually less than once a month. I’m not feeling attracted to him anymore, because although he’s a healthy 33 yr old, he acts like a 90 yr old- he’s always falling asleep while doing anything, his back always hurts, he’s always feeling pitiful & sick. I just want to tell him to grow up, be more positive, do something with his life, but any time I do, he just pouts for weeks at a time. I don’t want to lose him because I know he is a good man, and has a good heart and has so much more potential, but at this moment, I spend most nights on the couch because I don’t even want to be close to him anymore. Our relationship was so good for a while, and my family & friends all love him, we are compatible in a lot of ways. But how do I tell him how miserable I am with the way things are in our relationship & really change it without hurting his feelings? Last time we argued, he got so upset that he ended up in the hospital for a week due to anxiety. I’m not an evil bitch, so I don’t understand how I make him so upset that he becomes hospitalized- he’s just that sensitive.He went to therapy for a while and was prescribed medication and seemed better but now he’s all “woe is me” & sick all the time again & I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any advice for how to make him man up without hurting his feelings?
Comment: Arguing and having disagreements is part of any relationship. It’s impossible to agree with someone on everything you do. If you’re arguing every single day, that’s a different story. Then your relationship sucks. But every once in a while it’s needed, and it’s healthy. Sometimes it’s tough to break things off with someone that you know has nothing wrong with them and are great people, but the bottom line is, if you’re not happy, you’re not happy. If it’s been this way for a while now, and you can’t even stand to look at the guy so much that you’re sleeping on the couch and avoiding him at all costs, looks like this relationship is over, and you just don’t know how to go about ending it. Breakups are never easy. They’re the worst. Especially with someone who really hasn’t done anything wrong, but it sounds like you guys are pretty much done. You just need to come up with the strength to tell him.
I read your Ask Dr. Reality Steve Column from last week (I know I’m behind) and I have to agree with what you were saying about people wanting advice from a neutral party. I grew up in the era of AOL and when I was teenager I “met” a boy my age in a chat room and we became friends online. We gave each other advice all the time. He was that one person that I could go to, that didn’t know the parties involved that could see things that I didn’t want to see and give me sound advice. He saved me countless times from embarrassment by saying you know what, he’s just not that into you! It’s nice that you’re there to help people like that on a larger scale.
Anyway, Steve, I need some advice, and I’m hoping you can help. I don’t know who else to ask. A friend of a friend sent me an invite to a charity event that she is sponsoring. I’ve heard my friend speaking about and it sounds like it will be a nice event, but because it’s purpose is to raise money for charity it is really expensive to attend. What is the proper etiquette to decline going? I really can’t afford to go. Should I just ignore the invite completely or send back the RSVP card with a can’t attend? The only reason that I’m hesitant to send the card back with a no is that the response line says: I cannot attend, please accept my donation of _____. It’s a wonderful organization, but not one that I would usually support. Can you give me any advice on how to proceed? I will see my friend’s friend again regardless if I go or not. If I do have to send a donation, how much do you think is appropriate?
Thank you for any help you can give.
Comment: Ha ha…now people are coming to me with etiquette questions. Isn’t there some lady who’s the equivalent of “Dear Abby” but only answers etiquette questions? I think there is, but I couldn’t tell you her name. I just know I’ve skimmed it before. Anyway, this one is fairly easy I think. You RSVP saying you can’t attend. Don’t feel obligated to donate if you don’t want to. But if you really feel that bad about saying no and not giving any money, then give them $5 or $10 or $20. Unless that type of money is gonna put you out, there’s nothing wrong with making a small donation. Sure, it won’t be anywhere near what other big donors are bringing in, but whatever. That’s not your concern. If you were the CEO of a giant corporation and donated $5, then yeah, maybe it’d look kinda silly. But you’re not. So either just RSVP saying no and leaving that line blank and donate nothing, or throw in $5 or $10.
Hey Steve. I have a relationship question for ya.
Here is the info:
In November of last year my cousin got a new job at a local clothing store. I started visiting her there a lot because we are very close and it is near where I work. I met a guy at her job who also worked there. We flirted a lot and he finally added me on facebook and we started talking on there and texting. The relationship never went past flirting and I kind of started to question whether he liked me or not. Then he told me he was moving to Colorado for a few months (Im in Alabama) to take care of his elderly aunt while his cousin was out of the country. He told me he would be back in the south (georgia) in March and we would definitely hang out when he got back. He still never hinted that it would be like a date though. So we continued to talk/text for a few weeks after he moved but then he just stopped. I was kind of disappointed but got over it because we werent getting to hang out anyway. Then I saw on Facebook that he had added a bunch of pictures with the same girl. I figured it was his girlfriend and realized at that point he probably wasn’t coming back in March. So we hadn’t spoken since December until a few nights ago. He texted me really late at night and asked how I was doing. I was really skeptical at first but then he called me and we talked for a long time, around 3 hours. He told me that when he was here he wanted to ask me out but he felt that I was out of his league. Then he told me he was coming back like he had planned and wanted to stop and see me on his way through. I want to see him…
I really liked him when he was here and wanted him to ask me out. But I’m kind of uncertain if I should for several reasons. First of all, I don’t have the highest self esteem in the world. I mean I know I’m a cute girl but he keeps telling me how gorgeous I am and I’m kind of wondering if he remembers me as prettier than I am and I don’t want to meet up with him and then him be disappointed. Second, I don’t want to be like a pit stop to hook up with on his way home. I am a college student, pretty studious and he knows that I’m not the one-night-stand type. I called his coworker who he was pretty close with before he moved and asked him if he had ever said anything about me (to make sure he wasn’t just looking for a hook up) and he told me that the guy talked about me a lot before he moved. He told him that I was the “girl you aim for”. I think that’s really sweet but I’m just cautious. Before he moved he never even hinted at a relationship with me but now he talks about it openly. I don’t want to be hurt, but I really like the guy. I just don’t know if I should meet up with him and risk it, or tell him I can’t and just get over him like I did the first time.
Comment: You won’t know unless you try. Go out with him, see how it goes, and take it from there. You’re overanalyzing it without ever having gone out with the guy. If you go out, and things go smoothly, then you continue to date and see what happens. If you go out with him, and he’s just some horny guy looking to get laid, then you’ll know he’s a douche and that’ll answer your question and you never have to talk to him again. But you won’t know any of this until you go out with him.
The good thing is he’s pursuing you and has talked about you to others. Don’t beat yourself up over the self-esteem issues. Take it as a compliment and appreciate that he’s saying these things about you. I doubt you look drastically different from when he knew you back in November, so just go with it and have fun.
Send all emails to: email@example.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you soon.