Dr. Reality Steve
am emailing you because am curious what this guy is thinking , and i would love to have a guy opinion on my situation.
so both of us are 21 and in college , we have the same class , we barley talked because i sit in-front and leave right after class , though he made it clear that he liked me and he wanted to go out with me several time , and i told him several time that am not interested because i have 21 credit hours and i need to go to med school right after this and graduate early too . anyways , he promise he will text me “school related stuff”
we start texting , the guy is actually really nice and i started to like the guy.
we go on our first date , he takes me to a nice romantic picnic and he brings his cute dog too and everything was perfect but he ended the date after an hour , which made me think okay he’s not interested.
and my first dates are usually 2 to 3 hours .
same night , he text me telling me lets go to the movies for the next day.
however , he text me in the morning and wants to have coffee, we have coffee and then takes me to his place to see his cute dog .
next thing , we are making out on his bed for 45 minutes and i don’t usually make out on the second date but it just happened .
later that day , he tells me he wants to introduce me to his friends already? and lets postpone movie night , again we make out for over an hour.
am confused because , he asked to me his girlfriend already? after our second date,
we barley communicate , we make out most of the time and it makes me thinking that all he wants is sex but he knows am still a virgin and willing to keep it until i get marriage .
so what do you think of this guy and this situation , i know we’re moving so fast and i do not like it , but i just do not understand him ? why would you ask someone to be your girlfriend that quick when we barley talk ? he is just physically attracted to me right?
Anyways , sorry for the long email and i love your bloggg , i only started watching the bachelor after reading your blog.
Comment: Uhhhhhhhh…errrrrrr…ummmmmmmmm. I have no idea what to say to that.
Dr. Reality Steve,
This is more of a friendship dilemma. (not using real names)
About a year and a half ago, my best friend of 16 years (let’s call her Ashley) was dating a douche bag. He kept telling her he didn’t want to be with her and that they should break up, but they stayed together because they had all of these things planned (a trip, a wedding, etc.). They didn’t want to cancel everything. So, they decided on a date that they would break up (when all of the plans were done) – I know, ridiculous. They went on their trip together (alone) and he paid everything. They went to the wedding as dates. Ashley stayed hopeful that he would change his mind, but the douche bag still wanted the break up, and so they broke up the day they had planned (lol). Obviously, Ashley was completely heart broken (doesn’t help that she was sleeping with him, going on “romantic trips” with him, etc), because she isn’t used to getting dumped. I had never seen Ashley this devastated, as she’s usually a very confident person but this situation got her very unstable and almost depressed.
Us girls (we’re all 22) were there for her. We went out a lot to keep her mind off of things. Because I have a boyfriend, I couldn’t spend as much time with Ashley as much as my other friend, Amanda. So, Amanda and Ashley became very close and started hanging out a lot. They changed their FB profile pictures to one of them together, would comment on each others things with little hearts and kisses, so yeah they were inseparable. Weird considering they didn’t get along very well in high school…
One night, we went out. Ashley ended up taking Amanda’s cellphone to creep through her text messages (she just does that, very curious) and came across texts between Amanda and the douche ex boyfriend. Immediately, Ashley became super pissed off at Amanda for obvious reasons. Amanda explained herself, saying that she was only texting him to make sure he wasn’t coming to the same bar as we were, and just wanted to avoid drama. We ended up leaving the bar early because Ashley was pretty pissed off, but the next day everything was fine and Amanda promised to never text the ex again.
About two months after that incident, Amanda sends me and our other good friend (Lindsey) a Facebook message saying that she had screwed up and had hung out with the ex boyfriend. She said that she had already talked to Ashley about this and that Ashley wanted her to tell us about it. At first, it only seemed like Amanda had hung out this one time with the ex, but…the truth finally came out and she SLEPT WITH HIM. To make it clear, she slept with him after the bar incident when she promised to not contact him again. Another thing to clear up, Amanda met the ex through Ashley and Amanda did not have feelings for him (she just likes sex). Turns out the only reason she told Ashley about her sleeping with him is because the ex boyfriend now had a new girlfriend and this new girlfriend found out about it and threatened to tell Ashley if Amanda didn’t fess up to it. SO, as it was already pretty lame that Amanda would tell us through Facebook, she completely took herself out of our friend circle. Said she understood that we wouldn’t want to talk to her again, deleted her Facebook and disappeared from our lives.
It’s now been 1.5 years since all of this happened. The thing is, I kind of want to contact Amanda. I miss her. She was the most fun of all of my friends and the one that would understand me the best. I find it unfair that I had to delete her out of my life because of something that happened between 2 other people. The thing is, Ashley HATES her and I’m afraid of losing Ashley as a friend, who’s been my best friend since preschool, if she finds out. My other friend Lindsey has also talked about reconnecting with Amanda but hasn’t done it yet. Another thing…I hardly see Ashley and Lindsey anymore. Ashley has a new boyfriend who she’s always with, and Lindsey is another story… Let’s just say Ashley and I still consider ourselves BFFs, but we’re not. We never text, never hang out just because, etc. Only times we see each other is if 1) I plan something or 2) It’s one of us’ birthday. I do have many friends outside of this girlfriend circle, but I want a close friend again.. and that was Amanda.
Should I reconnect with Amanda? Should I even trust Amanda after what she was able to do to a good friend? What if she tries to sleep with my boyfriend? If I do reconnect with her, should I tell Ashley and Lindsey?
Woah, after rereading my message, the situation sounds way more immature than I thought it would. I hate drama and was never a part of it. Only watched it happened. I definitely feel older than 22 and that’s probably why I’m dating a 25 year old.
Thank you Steve! Love the blog.
Comment: I wish you would’ve chosen different fake names than “Ashley” and “Amanda.” It got confusing. And yes, this whole thing sounds very high school-ish. Granted, you all are fresh out of college being 22 and all, but this is petty stuff really.
You want to be friends with Amanda but fear Ashley will get pissed? I guess I’d first ask why. She sounds kinda whore-y when she admittedly went after Ashley’s ex even though she knew he was off limits. I know it’s been a year and a half, but still. However, you wanting to be friends with her should be your decision, not what Ashley thinks. Especially since you said you barely see Ashley anymore cuz she’s with her boyfriend all the time. I wouldn’t say don’t be friends with Amanda again because of Ashley, but maybe it’s not a great idea to be friends with her because of how she acted. I mean, if you wanna reach out to her to see if she’s changed, and realized what a colossal f-up she was, then sure. I’d just be careful. You basically insinuated she’s kind of a slut when you said “she just likes having sex.” So it’s your call, I just would tread lightly – as Ben Flajnik would say.
My fiancé of over a year and boyfriend in total of four years works at a gym. And long story short met a girl whom sits next to him same office. And now it’s an emotional relationship he is falling for her! His first excuses, she is poor I feel sorry for her.(bought her shoes took her to dinner regularly and his cheap ass pays for her) He is the biggest cheap person I know and he wasted his money on her! And now he says he wants both of us! What a good life he has planned out.
We live in my parents house I gave him everything and even have to beg him to pay rent!!! Well after being a dumb person I let him go but now am just falling in love even more! He deserves nothing but I want to give him the world!!
P.S. I cook deliciously clean wash his stank underwear sanitize his infected feet and even flush the poop he leaves on the toilet!!! And pay for everything!! Yup am a loser. 🙁
Comment: At least you said it, not me. Ummmm, do you really need my advice on this? Your fiancé just told you that he wants the BOTH of you? Your fiancé. The man you are supposed to marry. Ummmm, ok. If you need my advice on this, nothing I say is gonna get through to you considering you haven’t left him already.
P.S. – Thanks for the visual. Totally necessary.
I’m a guy in my mid-30’s who has been described by many as a ‘late bloomer’. I didn’t date much in high school, college or even in my 20’s. I did date during all those times, but not much. I’m really just hitting my stride now, which I’m happy about.
I’ve also come to watching the Bachelor late. I’d seen the show here and there and was familiar with how it worked but I just started watching it regularly this past season with Sean.
One thing I’ve noticed is that my own dating life spiked during the last season of the bachelor. This happened in a fairly innocent way but all of a sudden I had several women buzzing around, showing me interest at the same time. The more the show aired, the more women showed me interest.
I’m wondering if this is merely a coincidence or if this happens for a lot of people when ‘the bachelor’ airs. Is there a general upswing in people’s dating lives when the show comes on? If so, I’d speculate that it could be a not so subtle but still subconscious trigger that gets people putting more attention on that area of their lives. Kind of how every time Disney re-releases ‘101 Dalmatians’ there’s a huge upsurge in people buying Dalmatian puppies. Have you heard of any statistics that would prove or negate my theory? What have been your observations if any?
Thanks and keep up the good work!
Insert funny pseudonym here
Comment: Can honestly say one of the more strange emails I’ve ever received. I have no idea if your theory holds any water, nor would it ever be possible to try and prove it. So you’re saying you think you’re starting to get more attention from women when the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” is airing? Maybe you’re doing something different.
And how do you know it’s just during the season? So right after the finale airs, women stop talking to you? If it continues on, then obviously it’s not just because of the show. But if this past March 11th came and went, and you haven’t had a date since then and won’t until May 27th, then I could say your theory might be accurate. However, I find that hard to believe.
Is there something in the water with these emails this week? Yikes. I know we’re in the off-season, but could these have been four of the more random emails ever?
I love your blog – long time reader and fan! I have a quick question. I’m recently out of a four year relationship and am thinking about dating again, but I wanted to check some etiquette (dating world has changed since the last time I was available!) This past week I judged a school district wide contest and met a nice looking teacher from another school. We didn’t get a chance to talk much, but I’d like to get to know him. Would it be weird/unprofessional for me to ask him to be my Facebook friend considering I was his judge at contest? Or is that totally lame? Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for all that you do. You are a wonderful entertainer!
Comment: Hey look! Someone called me an entertainer. Well thank you. I try.
Do you have any other ways to get in touch with him? I mean, I guess you could start by adding him as a friend on Facebook and see where it goes from there. Or if you have his email, just send one of those. Just act normal. Best advice I can give you. Don’t try too hard and if something happens, then great. If he’s not interested, then move on.
I could really use a guy’s perspective/advice with my current situation.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We both just recently graduated college (I graduated in the summer, he just graduated three months ago.) When I graduated back in August I asked him if he wanted to stay together and attempt the long distance thing (I was moving back home which was about four hours from him) and he said yes. I was pretty scared about it but it actually wasn’t so bad. We saw each other once a month for probably four or five days at a time and talked everyday we were apart. We took a trip to celebrate our anniversary in December and it was great aside from New Years Eve. Unfortunately I had a little too much to drink that night and had a mini meltdown (yes, unfortunately I’m one of those girls.) He will be moving to another city around August for a job and a part of me thought I’d probably make the move with him, while the other part of me doesn’t want to leave where I am. My meltdown basically was me saying to him why were we together if the distance between us was potentially just going to become longer, and why not just break up now instead of investing even more time blah blah blah. It was stupid for me to say because I did not mean a word of it. He got pretty angry that I’d even think that and said that it was something we’d figure out when we got to that point.
After that everything was fine. He came to see me in January and we had the best weekend doing different stuff, hanging out with my family, catching up with friends, etc. In February we even took a trip and ran a half marathon together. In March we couldn’t really plan a visit because both of our schedules were pretty hectic that month for different reasons, but everything continued to be totally normal/the same. So come the beginning of this month every time I’d mention planning a visit he’d say that he didn’t know when it would be a good time for him because he’s taking two parts of the CPA exam this month. I didn’t think anything of it and figured we’d figure something out. Last night while we were talking I got a little frustrated with him because he was being so wishy washy about planning a visit, so I asked him what was going on. He said he was tired and that we would talk about it tomorrow. So today he texted me as usual, “Hey babe what’s up?” After a little small talk I said I wanted to finish our conversation from the night before. He called me almost immediately after sending that message. I answered and he said, “Yeah I don’t really see this going any further.” At first I thought he was joking but he assured me he was totally serious. He basically said that the distance was super hard and that he didn’t see me moving with him. This really threw me off guard because he has never said anything about distance being an issue. I asked him why he thought that and he said he couldn’t really explain it. Then he went on to say he just really didn’t feel the same. I couldn’t believe I was getting dumped from a three year relationship over the phone a week before my birthday. The whole thing was super strange. He was so cold about the whole thing, it was almost like he was just ripping off a band aid. I kept asking him what happened, and he insisted that nothing really happened he just realized earlier this week he felt this way. Obviously I’m pretty devastated, but I am also super confused. This was totally out of the blue, and the way he did it was just not the person I know. The first thing that came to my mind when I got off the phone was, “Well that was mean.” I mean he acted like everything was totally normal up until he called me basically saying he didn’t have feelings for me anymore and breaking up was the right thing to do. Oh, and the fact he dumped me over the phone a week before my birthday! Gotta love that.
My friends and family think he’s having some type of quarter life crisis for various reasons. He just graduated from college, he’s been stressing about the CPA exam, he’ll be moving to a big city in the fall, two of our good friends just got engaged, and one of his good friends passed away in a car accident a week ago. Basically they think he’s just freaking out about all of this and acting out. They say he’ll probably realize in time that he screwed up. Personally I think he just wants to be single to do whatever he wants. When he said he really didn’t see me moving with him I translated that as I don’t want you coming with me. I think I’m more angry at this point because he wouldn’t offer me an explanation, and the way he went about the whole thing is really out of character for him. I know it’ll probably be hard to offer some insight because this is pretty bizarre but what is your take on this?
Comment: Guys do weird things at times. To end a three year relationship over the phone the way he did was shi**y. No denying that. But maybe the distance is a big deal to him and that really was his reason. It’s possible. You’d think he would’ve mentioned that earlier at some point instead of springing it on you like that, but he didn’t. I guess my question to you would be, does he have communication issues in your relationship? If he was a guy that was always closed off and never talked about feelings or stuff like that, then yeah, I could see a guy like that dumping someone over the phone after 3 years. However, if this was totally uncharacteristic for him, then I’d say unfortunately, he has someone else lined up and didn’t tell you. You’ve spent an awful lot of time away from each other, so you can’t say it wouldn’t have been easy for him to meet/talk to someone without you knowing.
Maybe you’ll get your answer someday, maybe not. If he ever comes asking for you back, I wouldn’t jump right into it if I were you. To throw away three years just like that without much of an explanation, something’s up. I’m not sure what exactly, but I wouldn’t be ecstatic to jump back into anything with him if I were you.
I recently got into a new relationship with the best friend of my ex’s brother that I am still close with.
My ex still hasn’t moved on for me and even confessed to still having feelings for me when he bumped into me at my job. When I professed to moving on, he seemed disheartened.
My problem is that I got invited to the wedding of my ex’s sister and already rsvp’d with my bf to attend the ceremony but knowing my ex will be there, would it still be a good idea to go considering his brother is the one that invited me?
Comment: This got a tad confusing, but I think I get it. You have a new boyfriend, you rsvp’d to your ex’s sister’s wedding, and you want to bring your new bf, even though your ex will be there, right? I mean, the decision is yours if you want to go. Yes, it’ll be a little awkward, but that’s because your ex isn’t over you. If you think by the time the wedding rolls around he can man up and be an adult about it, then go. But ask the sister if she thinks it’s a good idea to go with your new bf without her brother pouting like a baby. See what she says then make your decision from there.
Send all emails to: firstname.lastname@example.org. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you soon.