Hey, it’s only been 3 weeks since I last wrote a word. Nothing wrong with that, is there? Well, apparently if you’re a die hard fan of this show it is considering how many venomous emails I’ve gotten asking me where I’ve been and if I’m gonna have any spoilers this season. Huh? Have you checked the site in the last two months? More on that later. Anyway, yes it’s great to be back and we’re almost there. Only 12 days away from the premiere. The “Bachelor” blooper show airs this Tuesday the 21st. I’ll probably have a column some time next week with my thoughts on it, then starting on the 27th, back to recaps on Tuesdays, and at least 2-3 columns a week. Working on a couple different things now that I’m trying to finalize before the season, but should be fun.
Now to get to the question I’ve been beaten over the head with for the last 3 weeks which is, “When are you posting your spoilers?” The answer: Tomorrow. I will have your episode-by-episode spoilers posted tomorrow that covers all of Desiree’s season. Most of the spoilers I’ve already given you, but there’s a few that I haven’t, some minor details to fill in here and there, plus your final four breakdown. First time in the last 3 seasons covering the “Bachelorette” that I’ve had the episode-by-episode spoilers up this early. So look forward to that tomorrow.
People.com released a :30 second promo last week on Des’ season. Unfortunately I can’t embed it into the column, so you’ll have to click on the link to see it, but it shows the Brian/gf scandal. One thing to note about this video is the clip of Des saying “Are you guys here for the right reasons” then the next 10 seconds are showing the Brian/gf angle. However, the reason she actually says that line is because that is from the first group date of the season where 14 guys collaborate with Des and Soulja Boy to make a rap video. The song they make a video to is called “Right Reasons.” So there you go.
Also Yahoo! released a promo for the season set to a newly released single. First time they’ve ever done that. And Stefano Langone’s of all people? He must need the pub. Anyway, thanks to those who released it since it gives away quite a few spoilers. You’re the best. I love when other people do my work for me.
As I mentioned, tomorrow I’ll have all your episode-by-episode spoilers including more stuff that happens in episode 1. Here’s a few things to tease you with until tomorrow:
-6 first impression roses were given out, with 2 of them going to guys that go far in the show
-9 guys have intro videos, but only 2 of those 9 last past episode 4.
-For the second season in a row, a couple of the prominent guys on Des’ season barely get any airtime in episode one.
-Someone gets down on one knee out of the limo
-A couple of these guys have alcoholism in their family and it’s touched upon
-As is the case every season, there is the complete drunk on night one. At least I think he was.
-The limo exits were definitely shown out of order in which they actually took place, which happens every season
-Someone reads a poem out of the limo
-There is blurred out nudity in one of the intro videos
-I mentioned last column Robert goes home night one. That’s wrong. It’ll be corrected tomorrow.
I’ll fill in all these blanks tomorrow, but for now, lets get to the bios and headshots that were released on Monday. First time they’ve ever actually included excerpts from their written questionnaires they filled out during casting. Genius. Makes you wonder how the hell some of these guys got cast in the first place. Anyway, if you click on each guy’s name, it will bring you directly to their bio home page. Here are my thoughts on each guy’s profile. Enjoy…
-He likes “Transformers” the movie. Now, is that because Brody plays with transformers, and he’s just grown to like them? Or does he actually think Shia LaBeouf is one of the greatest cinematic actors of our generation, and his on-screen romance with Megan Fox in the first two films can only be duplicated by Leo & Kate? These are things I need to know.
-When asked about his 3 least favorite things to do on a date, he responded with: “Go to a club” (agree), “talk politics” (definitely agree), and “drop off if the date didn’t go well.” Ummmm, huh? That didn’t answer the question. Then again, you go through all 25 of these questionnaires, you’ll see a lot of guys didn’t answer the question asked of them. Saying one of your least favorite things to do on a date is to “drop her off if the date didn’t go well” is basically saying that you’d rather not drop her off if the date didn’t go well. Semantics.
-Best answer: When asked what he loves on a date and he says she’s talkative, willing to make suggestions, smiles and laughs, then when asked what he hates about a date he says, “won’t do the things above.” Awesome. Well there you go.
-Second best answer: When asked if he could live in any other time period, he said “Jesus’ timespan.” So Ben wants to hang with Jesus and his boys. Ummmm, ok. Whatever floats your boat. I’m guessing there are about a 1,000 other different time periods most people would choose to live through, but hey, you wanna chill in your sandals and robe and watch your buddy get crucified, have at it. I’ll be hangin’ here in the 21st century with, oh I don’t know, running water? TV’s? Electricity?
-Very much an outdoorsman with hiking, fishing, camping, jet skiing, water skiing, horse back riding, and snow skiing all stuff he’s done for years. This is something that Desiree immediately liked about Ben, hence the reason he got one of the first impression roses.
-He wants to have lunch with Mike Tyson of all people. Of anybody in the world, that’s the one he chose? Interesting.
-He thinks Will “Farrell” is the funniest man “a live.” That’s good. I personally think Steve Cerrell is funny yer than him. To each their own.
-He doesn’t have a favorite author because he can’t remember the last book he read. I guess MENSA doesn’t have a book of the month club, huh? Too bad.
-His ultimate date is on a beach with a private jazz band playing so they could enjoy the beach “while we drink champagne and enjoy each other.” Generic. Does he like long walks on the beach and reading poetry too? Oh wait, he doesn’t read. And Brad, could you please define “enjoy each other.” Inquiring minds want to know.
-Best answer: His longest relationship didn’t work because “I wanted to start a family and own a house, and she wanted to party and had no goals.” Hmmmm, I don’t want to jump to any conclusions here, but could he possibly be talking about his baby mama Brittnee, the Twin Peaks waitress? Sure sounds like it.
-The most outrageous thing he’s done is “drive 170 mph in a lambo.” The fact that he used the word lambo says two things: 1) he’s a complete douche 2) he didn’t know how to spell Lamborghini.
-3 things to bring to a deserted island: Vitamins, water, Bear Grylls, Nutriants, Hydrate. Ok, that’s five not three, and last time I checked, “hydrate” wasn’t something tangible. Nutrients is with an “e.” Other than that, great answer.
-Says he was engaged for a year but “never found a venue, and never really made plans. It was never like we were actually going to do it.” You don’t say? Never would’ve been able to figure that one out. What a beautiful engagement you had. I’m sure she was thrilled.
-He drew three emoticons in his answers. Totally unacceptable.
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?
I hope to get an in-depth look in a larger-than-normal-life setting of the reality of the idea of love and connection. The idea of the integration of normal love and companionship into the various situations this show presents would be something I believe very worthwhile.
Huh? In English please. Who talks like that?
-What does being married mean to you? “Commitment and family.” Okkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. And? Can you elaborate a little please? You sound like a robot.
-What’s your biggest date fear? “Massive incompatable.” Wow. He is a man of many words, this Brian J.
-What’s your best date memory? “Bliss Happiness Feelings.” Yes, that was his answer. Is that even an answer?
What do you do for a living, and how important is your career to you?
I feel that we get caught up in defining who we are by what we do. I am not so concerned with the perception of others. If my work becomes dull or boring but is prestigious, I’ll change it.
Way to completely dodge the question. What the hell kind of answer is that? Translation: I don’t really have a stable job, so lets not talk about it. Or, he’s a jack-of-all-trades, master of none.
-His handwriting is completely illegible. I don’t have a clue what he’s saying in half his answers.
-He loves it when his date “explores those initial emotions.” Then feels the need to throw in “what’s the point of going on the date if you don’t see something coming of it.” Translation: If I don’t get laid, why would I continue seeing her?
-His haircut in his head shot looks very Lloyd Christmas-y. The barber had to have used a bowl to get that perfect length all the way across his forehead. Cool look, dude.
-His answers look, and read, like a 5th graders. Do you consider yourself a romantic. “Sometimes I can be. I have a big heart.” Is your big heart red? Are you able to form more than 4 word sentences?
-His ideal made has “dark hair, nice teeth, good skin.” I’d say that’s about as low of standards as you can get. Really? Your ideal mate, the one that would fit you perfect, and that’s all you can come up with? Are they bred differently in Montana?
-His best date memory is “go carts and lazer tag.” Wow. Is it still too late for me to move to Montana? Sounds like I’m missing out in this metropolis of Dallas.
Do you consider yourself romantic and why?
I think being romantic requires spontaneity and the ability to tell the girl how you feel about her at all times.
It’d be nice if you’d actually answered the question, Chris. Not hard.
-He doesn’t dislike anyone enough in this world to write about them. Well then. Sounds like I can cross Chris off the list to someday replace me on RealitySteve.com.
-Looks like he originally had written Chicago as the most romantic city in the US, then changed it to Seattle where he lives. How convenient.
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?
I really do hope for the chance to meet my future wife. I really don’t go out to meet people (I don’t do the club scene) and the older I get, the more I realize I don’t want to keep dating just for the sake of it. I have not given up faith in it, but have pretty much come to terms that I probably won’t meet my wife in Las Vegas. I see the show as an opportunity to hopefully meet a girl who I would have never had a chance to meet otherwise. I really am looking for a partner in life. I used to really enjoy traveling alone but it hit me pretty hard on my last trip and I promised myself it would be the last one I did by myself. I am a little older and a little more goal oriented than I was during my last relationship. I would love to meet the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with and am very open to finding that person and not letting them go.
Easy there, Hemingway. We didn’t need a dissertation for an answer. And what do you mean you won’t meet your wife in Las Vegas? Plenty of guys meet their wives in Las Vegas. It might cost them a few thousand bucks, but hey, there are plenty of wives for the taking in your city. Take advantage of it.
-Any guy that lists “Dumb and Dumber” as one of his favorite movies scores points with me. Dan and I need to have a cold one and recite Harry & Lloyd lines while in the champagne room at Crazy Horse 3. Uhhhhh…
-He grew up swimming “and have worn a speedo since I was 5.” Ummm, still? Like, every day you just walk around in a speedo because you used to swim? Ok, weird.
-He makes no bones about why he wants to do the show: To be the next “Bachelor.” Well Dan, I’m sorry but that gig will go to someone else next season. The next time they cast a lead who never made it to the traveling stages of their season will be never. Hope you enjoyed your time though. We have a t-shirt waiting for you on your way out the door. And a speedo.
-What does his ideal mate look like? “Girly.” Lets hope so, Diogo. Lets hope so.
-Diogo wins the award for most legible handwriting, and it’s a landslide. Thank you for not writing chicken scratch that makes me have to squint just to read. I hope they gave you a penmanship award before you left the mansion.
-Whatever producer told you that wearing a suit of armor would be a good idea to woo Desiree you might wanna punch in the face. Horrible idea.
-He thinks that John Mayer and him would be best buddies. Well, we know John Mayer is a fan of the show after his Ben Flajnik impression he did on “Ellen” a couple years ago. Somehow I don’t think Diogo will be getting backstage passes to any of Mayer’s concerts in the future. Call me crazy.
-Favorite actors right now are Tom Hardy and Christian Bale. Safe to say, Drew probably wears Batman underoos.
-Honestly, his answers were about as vanilla as his personality. You’ll see.
-His favorite author is Dr. Seuss, which puts him one step ahead of Brad on the reading level. Congrats.
-He would like to be an NFL head coach. Yeah, because his players would totally respect the fact he once was on a reality TV dating show.
-He left the “what is your greatest achievement to date” question completely blank. Don’t be so hard on yourself, buddy. Sounds like you ripped through “Green Eggs and Ham” and “Cat in the Hat” at some point. That’s a start.
-He’s never received a romantic present from an ex. I’m sorry James. I hope someday a lovely young lady buys you that coaches’ whistle you so desperately want.
-One of his favorite things to do on a date is make out, which he makes quite clear the first night. At least he’s honest. One of his least favorite things to do on a date is get slapped. Must be speaking from experience. Maybe he tried to make out with someone and got slapped.
-He wants to be Tom Brady for a day so he can win a Super Bowl and go home to “Gizelle.” Like gazelle. Tom Brady hasn’t won a Super Bowl in 8 years, and the last Super Bowl he won, he wasn’t with Giselle. So that answer makes no sense. Maybe you should look into being Colin Kaepernick or Russell Wilson.
-He wants to have lunch with Ghandi because he “seemed like a really enlightened cat.” That was actually funny. However, if he were to speak this, I’m not sure I’d be able to understand him all that much.
-Believe he was the only guy who when asked what three things he’d bring to a deserted island, used one of his answers by mentioning a woman. Marisa Miller. Jonathan is a horn dog, and Desiree sees it within 10 seconds of meeting him.
-Apparently not a fan of Meatloaf. The singer, not the food. Maybe he doesn’t like the food either or had never heard of Meatloaf. Don’t know what kind of following The Loaf has in Venezuela.
-Cuts right to the chase by saying his ideal mate will have “good size breasts.” Sorry Desiree. You are not for Juan Pablo.
-His ideal mate is someone “that doesn’t get upset with jokes.” Translation: I tell a bunch of crude, chauvinistic, and vulgar jokes. Better like them.