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The Bachelorette 9 - Desiree

The Bachelorette Desiree Recap Including Videos & Which Guy Has Already “Won” on a Dating Show?

-One of the more different opening sequences we’ve ever seen. Usually you get the shot of the lead back in their hometown, wandering the streets aimlessly, doing voice overs about their previous season and how they’re ready to find love blah blah blah. Des’ season starts with her pulling up in a Toyota Corolla or something crappy. That’s called foreshadowing. You know, because Des used to sleep in tents and moved from tent to tent cuz her parents had no money. I’m sure we’ll hear that story once or 1,000 times this season. I’m sure it won’t get old at all. At Des’ place, they gave her a sketch table because she likes to draw things. Wonderful. Since there’s SO much downtime for the lead on this show, I’m sure she’ll be completing an updated Mona Lisa before this season is over. Uh oh. No, it can’t be…it isn’t…no, not yet!!!! Yep. Des’ is already crying talking about how she came from nothing, never had a lot of nice things, and is, well, crying. So can someone run a stop watch to see when Des started crying quicker: when she was announced as the “Bachelorette,” or this sequence? Tough call. All I know is she’s a blubbering mess and she hasn’t even put on her first dress of the season. Great. This is gonna be looooooooooong 11 weeks.

-So not only does the show start with Des arriving at her mansion immediately, Chris Harrison is there to greet her and have a chat. Nice to see Chris so early in the season. I’m wondering now if at this point in filming he was already laying pipe to that new cougar he’s with, or if that didn’t come til’ later? Considering there are pictures of them in the “Caribbean,” sure looks to me like Chris took his side piece down to Antigua for the filming of the finale, which means I’m guessing they were dating by this point. I also noticed that Chris is definitely showing off his new clothing line, which is a mixture of mid 40 douchey guys wanting to dress like 25 year olds combined with raiding Cam from “Modern Family’s” closet. A lot of those shirts that have the completely different pattern on the inside of the collar and at the end of the sleeve. So yeah, a Cam rip off. Nice look. But hey, if it can land you blonde cougars with three kids, I guess it must’ve worked. I wonder how pissed Bieber’s mom was to see the pics of Chris and his new slam. I’m sure she was distraught for about 17 seconds then went back to falling asleep on a bed of $100 bills.

-Chris and Des recap her experience on Sean’s season, which is so awesome to look at 5 months later. You know, where she was practically begging Sean not to let her go with “I feel like you’re making the biggest mistake” line. I always love it when the contestants on this show say stupid sh*t like that only to have moved on like a week later. Of course Desiree doesn’t believe that now, how could she? She’s the “Bachelorette.” What’s she supposed to say? “Oh yeah, man, I’m still carrying a bit of a torch for Sean, and hopefully once he and Catherine get out of their fantasy land and fall back down to earth, he’ll realize I was the one for him. In the meantime though, I’ll pocket some cash, slut it up with a few of the boys, and travel the world.” I thoroughly enjoy when the new lead has to talk about how hurt they were after their rejection on a previous season, then go straight into the company line of “Well, I know my feelings were real, so I believe in the process. I know this can work.” Really? You like the percentage on 3-for-25? Desiree joined the club last night. That makes her the 10th consecutive lead to drop the “I know this can work” line. Congrats. Brad Womack will greet you the first night to hand you your commemorative t-shirt.

-So she arrives in a beat up loaner from Avis Rent-a-Car then Chris hands her the keys to a Bentley she’ll be using. Oh boy. Another theme to watch out for this season? Cinderella. Des is already talking about how this is her fairytale. Well, besides the fact she doesn’t have two bitch ass stepsisters (just an angry brother), doesn’t have blonde hair, and isn’t riding around in carriages, yes, it’s EXACTLY like Cinderella’s story. We’re 7 minutes into this season and I’m already vomiting in my own mouth. Enough with the Cinderella story. Can’t we compare this something else? Cinderella didn’t drive a Bentley. Or have two baby front teeth. Des: “When I fall in love, I fall hard.” Apparently not only when you fall in love, but also when you roller skate on Venice Beach by yourself with cameras rolling. That was a pretty nice wipeout.

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26 Comments

26 Comments

  1. Sunnyside422

    May 28, 2013 at 10:04 AM

    Thanks Steve for my afternoon laugh! Still laughing at zzzzzzaaahhh go (or whatever he is)! What a bunch of nerds and Steve certainly described them to a T!

    Poor Des…no way will she stay with Brooks. And yes his teeth are the reason he speaks so poorly. Or his chompers as Steve said. He needs to cut that mop of grease…take a cue from Benjie and his mop.

    I’m hoping some of the men (or boys in some instances) develop personalities cause they are snooze worthy at this point.

  2. corkystclair

    May 28, 2013 at 10:38 AM

    Oh how I’ve missed the bachelor lunacy. My favorite quote of the night sums it up well: “I don’t even know her that well but I know what I feel is real . . . And I think I just met my future wife.”

  3. corkystclair

    May 28, 2013 at 10:57 AM

    Does anyone else think that Chris looks like Buster from Arrested Development?

  4. ccrider

    May 28, 2013 at 11:32 AM

    Does anyone else think that Brooks looks like Blake Shelton? It bugged me the whole time until I finally figured out who it was he reminded me of.

  5. umanyways

    May 28, 2013 at 11:46 AM

    Ok whew does Ms. Cindrelli Dessi have a handful of man meat rack this season! I have a feeling she’s not going to end up with a dude that everybody finds hot. Because since she’s hot and an LA girl she’s SO used to the mega hot dudes that hit on her and its basically “all cake and no ice cream” these dudes are going to try every trick of the trade, but a hot LA girl can Windex away all the douche these burly men are going to pile on!

    – Drew is by far the best impression and besides looks his dependent introspective personality DESSi will dig alot!

    – that black guy he’s a character and looks better when he’s sweaty half naked doing yoga. He is too much for her. Dessi doesn’t want a pitbull extrovert flamboyant man, she’s used to show offs in LA, so Next!

    – magician man would make a great friend.

    – Kasey is a #creeper

    – Mikey me likey likey! Damn that’s a man! Wonder how tall he is because Dessi didn’t have to look all the way up to see him. Shorty? Giant ?

    – Jonathan, a lawyer! Haha tried to get a booty call at hello.

    – Zak is hilarious and you gotta understand he’s from B.F.E!! Mico Texas! Where is that! His balcony explained it. He’s a stallion living in the woods.

    – James is creepy and probably got inspired being in the show by being rejected from eharmony

    – whew the ABC H.R. Department had a field day in casting. Fat men, black men, and another ethnic guy that cussed.

    – once the knight took off his mighty mask, he needed to take a mighty walk back to Lake Tahoe where he came from.. DOWN BY THE RIVER!! (miss ya chris Farley)

    – Chris is as boring as his name & personality

    -Mike looks like a Sims character. Who wears their white dentist coat at Dessi’s first meet.

    – Brandon must be a “chosen character” for the show as well as Micah and his “custom” outfit. On a motorcycle at the meeting ceremony?

    – has Nick watched the show? His poem was NOT a new move. #cliche

    – Dan looks perfect. No personality showing at Dessi’s first meet. Those kind of contestants don’t last too long. But Catherine had a Normal first meeting with Sean last season…

    -why in the HELL did Ben bring his kid!!! Only girls like Emily Maynard would enjoy that first meeting. Then sending the kid off to the limo after showing him off? #DoucheDad

  6. umanyways

    May 28, 2013 at 11:53 AM

    I always get a kick out of white guys with no rhythm dancing to hip hop music. I must say they look like they were living their inner Vanilla Ice in that one.

    I think Dessi is going to fall for the wrong guys this season. Drew has alot of potential to be the one for her but alot of the men that have chemistry with her the most have higher voices than her. Didn’t she want a man? Juan Paolo will dump her like a hot tamale. Mikey is crossed eyed right? Brandon cares too much about himself he’s not ready to love because that involves sharing and he’s selfish. Brooks seems a tad bi curious. Robert I think may be too familiar ground for her because they are both from LA. Michael G seems good but he was already on Holidate which is a show I avoided on purpose. Cliche Cliche Michael G. He had somewhat potential but I just don’t see it lasting. Alot of these guys are good looking but we don’t have a Bentley this season which is a major fail! Ashley and Emily had the douchiest TVtastic dudes in batch history. Still remembering Emily telling Kelon to “Get the f*** out” after calling her baggage haha Classic!

  7. bigfatwoman

    May 28, 2013 at 12:08 PM

    This was a pretty boring first episode and Des is a nice girl with a total snoozer of a personality.

    Assuming the average car that she drove up in is not hers — that whole concept was offensive to me. They’ve never had someone drive up to the mansion in their own car and clearly did that to highlight the “poor Des” story. Des needs to let go of that sad story or she will be the new AshLee “I’m damaged from being abandoned and adopted.”

    I like Chris so far. Many of these guys are quite femme.

  8. iheartvino

    May 28, 2013 at 3:42 PM

    ccrider- ewwwww, no, I do not see the Brooks and Blake Shelton resemblence at all!! Unless you’re saying that they look alike but that Blake is a million times hotter, in my opinion, comparing their looks is an insult to Blake. lol (I do have a couple of friends that think that Brooks is hot- I just don’t see it, not from what I’ve seen so far anyway. Last night his hair looked gross to me)

  9. iheartvino

    May 28, 2013 at 3:42 PM

    *resemblance

  10. penguinfan01

    May 28, 2013 at 4:20 PM

    What are everyone’s thoughts on Des’ new hairstyle. I’m kinda thinking she looks better in the bangs. Not sure yet, haven’t had time to process.

  11. randais

    May 28, 2013 at 6:01 PM

    Iheart – (reply to your question from the previous post) Nashville…I wish I knew, my impulse answer would be that she said yes but I could also see her playing the “woe is me and I don’t trust you still” card. I want to like her, but I’ve never been the biggest fan of sad, pitiful characters. I just want her to figure out who she is and “grow a pair” (excuse the terminology).

  12. elizabeth82

    May 28, 2013 at 7:25 PM

    Interesting to see these guys in action since we only had their pictures to go by for quite awhile. For instance, I had thought Larry looked kind of cute/promising but oh my, now I definitely see why she cut him. He harped on the dipping her not going well but his one-on-one time was a trainwreck. How drunk (or something) was he to keep taking off and putting on his glasses? Really weird. Drew lived up to what I thought from just the photo: seems gay to me. With that in mind, I thought it was funny how fixated he was on how gorgeous he thought her dress was during their one on one time.

    From what little we saw of him, I like Chris. I thought he was funny with the tying his shoe bit. And he seems normal and like he was just being himself, unlike so many of these guys.

  13. kasey31

    May 28, 2013 at 8:25 PM

    awww haha, poor des : ( she sure has a strange bunch to choose from! i honestly have never seen a group of guys this weird for the bachelorette… ever!

    chris sticks out like a sore thumb bc hes the only normal guy on the show.. i seriously question the sexual orientation of drew, zak reminds me of the annoying class clown that thinks he’s funny but is just loud and obnoxious, and brooks.. oh, brooks.. this season is a joke, right? i think we are all being punked.. lol..

    great recap, steve! i MUST read these recaps when im alone from now on… i look like a crazy woman staring at my phone bursting out laughing every 5 seconds… “brad starts having a seizure infront of her. some might call it dancing. no. it was a seizure.” hahahaha…. this season is going to be goooood..

  14. kasey31

    May 28, 2013 at 8:37 PM

    karyn, in response to your comment on the last page.. i think i know what it is.. i truly believe that des is uncomfortable as the bachelorette, and it is crystal clear watching her.. it makes the viewers feel uncomfortable.. sure, she was likeable on the bachelor, but she wasn’t the lead, so she was able to play off of the other girls.. as the bachelorette, shes front and center.. and i just don’t think she has that certain quality that makes everyone pull for her.. theres something in her personality that kind of turns some people off, i think.. i don’t think she does it on purpose, but even when she was on jkl, she came across as a little cold and stiff.. jimmy kimmel was hilarious, and i don’t think she “got” his humor or personality.. she almost seems too nervous, and maybe a little too self conscious..?

  15. elizabeth82

    May 28, 2013 at 8:57 PM

    @kasey31: Glad to hear someone agrees with me about Drew’s sexual orientation . . . and that Chris is the normal one in this group . . .

    What was it about Brooks that had you shaking your head? His appearance? All we really saw of him was his nervous limo exit where he forgot to introduce himself and then him being pissy that he talked to Des before Ben yet Ben got a rose and he didn’t.

  16. elizabeth82

    May 28, 2013 at 9:00 PM

    I will say that I was disappointed, from what little we’ve seen, that Brooks doesn’t have a stronger energy–i.e., doesn’t seem that mature plus he seems kind of effeminate in the way he talks/looks. Not gay, though–that would be Drew.

  17. kasey31

    May 28, 2013 at 10:33 PM

    elizabeth, i think what bothered me about him are just the few things that u just mentioned.. it just seemed like a silly reason to be upset about on the very first night.. he came across as a little immature to me, and i didn’t see anything in his personality that i found to be attractive.. maybe i had a preconceived expectation of brooks, im not sure.. i was just hoping for a little more assertiveness from him maybe.. but whatever it was, i just wasn’t impressed at all night one, and that says a lot… typically i start off generally liking people, and it decreases as the show goes on.. but who knows? maybe i’ll end up liking him.. i know i will never like zak though.. and drew, haha.. yes!! i’m glad i’m not the only one who got that impression! kind of surprised that steve didn’t pick up that vibe..

  18. jennifer1116

    May 29, 2013 at 3:51 AM

    A couple of months ago my 10 year old son who constantly accurately mocks the bachelor and bachelorette wrote a hilarious speech for school on reality tv. He said “what’s next toddler bachelorette? I think that should be created” as he went on to explain what they would say and do. HILARIOUS!! Intelligent Sarcasm at its finest 🙂

  19. sunday

    May 29, 2013 at 4:41 AM

    Wish I could say this was a great, exciting, first episode, but I thought most of it was a yawnfest. Hope it gets more interesting as time goes on. I hated the guy with no shirt – that kind of stunt always makes me believe that the guy will be more in love with himself than anyone else. But, something else DID happen that surprised the crap out of me in the first episode – I didn’t think I could ever hate the looks of a Bentley until I saw Desi’s robin egg on wheels. Thats all I’ve got to say about that. I was not a big fan of Desi last season, so I guess it’s obvious my sarcasm bleeds through to this one. Oh well! I thought Brooks was decent looking enough, but then he opened his funny shaped mouth and it kind of ruined the moment. I honestly don’t think Desi has that great of a group of men to pick from. *sigh*

  20. ccrider

    May 29, 2013 at 5:57 AM

    iheart….Blake is most definitely much, MUCH hotter than Brooks in a more manly way. I just see a resemblance in their looks….but Brooks looks have a more femme appearance. I don’t think Brooks is hot but I do find him attractive. To each his own! 🙂

  21. karynr

    May 29, 2013 at 9:05 AM

    I think you hit the nail on the head, kasey. She was very uptight and somewhat uncomfortable, but I’d probably be the same way in the spotlight. Hopefully, she’ll loosen up. The more comfortable she is, the more open the men will be with her. I’ve spent a good part of my career interviewing people, and if you don’t make them feel comfortable, you can’t get them to open up.

    I got an email from an ex-boss last week who knows Drew, or his brother, or someone in his family here in Scottsdale. The email said Drew is a really nice guy. She knew I watched the show and wanted to let me know he’s a good guy.

    I don’t see any similarities between Blake and Brooks. Blake is adorable. That word doesn’t come to mind after seeing Brooks! Maybe my opinion will change, or maybe he just needs to wash his hair or not use so much gel. It looks greasy. I agree with you ccrider, as Blake is so much more manly!

  22. iheartvino

    May 29, 2013 at 9:25 AM

    Kasey and Karyn, I think you’re right about Des just being uncomfortable when she’s speaking to the camera or to a group of the guys. Whenever Des was talking to the camera in her ITMs, she annoyed the hell out of me. But when she was having her one on one talks with the guys, she seemed much more comfortable and didn’t seem uptight or fake.

    I was surprised Steve didn’t comment on the beginning part when Des was looking at the view from the pool area at her house and actually asked Chris Harrison if “that was the ocean down there.” Ummm yes Des, that would be the ocean. You’re in Malibu.

    I also agree with those that have mentioned Drew gives off a gay vibe. I guess Des didn’t pick up on it, or maybe she did and kept him around a long time bc she knew from early on she was choosing Brooks. Who knows. Once we knew Zack (NOT Zak- weirdo!) was out, Chris was my favorite based on the pics and he’s my favorite after episode one. He definitely comes across as the most normal of the guys. Looking forward to seeing more of him throughout the season.

    Randais- re: Nashville, you’re right- Scarlett definitely does need to “grow a pair!” =)

  23. elizabeth82

    May 29, 2013 at 10:13 AM

    @kasey31: Re. Steve not picking up gay vibe from Drew: I was kind of surprised, too, but then realized he sort of did pick it up: From his last (episode-by-episode spoilers) column: “Drew kinda has a Jake Pavelka vibe to him, minus the phoniness. I think he’s sincere, but kinda quiet, reserved, and ummmm, a tad effeminate.” Touche; I always thought Jake was gay but it’s his phoniness beyond that that made him so unappealing to me (I boycotted his season because he rubbed me the wrong way on Jillian’s).

  24. kasey31

    May 29, 2013 at 7:53 PM

    karyn, yes exactly.. i think being comfortable in your own skin applies to life in general and how it affects people around u.. even though shes in the spotlight, she should feel like she does deserve to be the bachelorette! i think that’s what made the others so likeable, they just went with the flow and didn’t overthink things or take themselves too seriously., i truly think those types of people are easier to be around, and in this situation, easier to watch… looking back on it, she’s always seemed a bit uncomfortable when the focus is solely on her.. remember her reaction to the dumb museum prank last season? anyway, hopefully she’ll open up more throughout the season..

    iheart, the “is that the ocean?” comment was priceless!!

    elizabeth, thanks for pointing that out! i do vaguely remember steve saying someone was effeminate, but i couldn’t remember who he was referring to.. and im right there with u.. i couldn’t stand jake either ; )

  25. rob22

    May 31, 2013 at 9:55 AM

    Is it just me, or are a lot of guys in their 20s starting to give off a gay vibe? I don’t think it’s this show, and it’s not just the metrosexuals. From skinny jeans to a lot of other styles, it just looks like a lot of guys are trying (maybe sub consciously) to look more effiminate…. and it looks like girls are going for it and not thinking twice. It’s a strange world for sure! In my day, we might have dressed dorky by today’s standards, but mainly because guys didn’t give a rip what they wore. Jeans or shorts and a T Shirt or Flannel shirt was pretty standard…. and definitely no thought to color coordination (as my wife pointed out when we first started dating 🙂 Only the gays put any thought into what they wore, so they stood out quite a bit. It’s a lot harder to tell who’s gay and who’s not these days.

  26. stephspineapple

    June 4, 2013 at 10:19 AM

    Thanks Steve. I really enjoy your humorous updates & season spoiler rundowns. Can’t wait to watch Des’s season unfold. Appreciate you!

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