-Now it’s time for the intro videos, which are usually quite amusing in their cheesiness. Will anyone top Lesley Murphy walking around DC with a “Lesley/Sean 2016” poster? Lets see…
Bryden: After gracing us with his awesome Lloyd Christmas haircut, he tells us he’s had one serious relationship 4 or 5 years ago. She broke his heart, so he joined the military and served in Iraq. Huge props for that. Zero props for using a salad bowl to cut your hair and fist pumping when you’re told Desiree is the “Bachelorette.” So was that fist pump before or after the Instagram pic of you kissing Becky just days before you left for filming?
Will: He’s a banker from Chicago that also does Bikram yoga. He also wants to tell the camera about Des: “I love this womaaaaaaaaaaaan!” although you can clearly see that Will filmed that ITM after filming had already started and not during the making of his hometown video. Just wanted to point that out since, well, saying that before ever having met the woman pretty much would be the stupidest thing one could say on this show. And that’s saying something.
Drew: He uses the same hair grease as George McFly. I don’t believe his hair will move all season. His parents divorced when he was young, his dad was an alcoholic, and his sister is mentally handicapped. I think it’s safe to say that Drew’s story will be mentioned quite a bit this season. Cue the violin.
Nick R.: He’s a custom clothier by day, and magician by night. He says he’s “definitely gonna use his magic skills pursuing Desiree.” Sweet. Is he gonna levitate her in front of the other guys? Saw her in half? Oh wait, he’s talking about how his magic skills completely backfire and Desiree vanishes him the first night. Got it.
Zak: He’s a drilling fluid engineer. Insert your own joke here. Also, he decided to go naked on his balcony for some reason in his intro video. Foreshadowing since it seems like dude doesn’t like wearing clothes all that much.
Robert: He tells us that he and a few buddies started the sign spinning business. The guys that stand on the corner and spin signs to get you into the cell phone store so they can lock you into a lifelong contract you can never get out of? Yeah, that’s them on the corner. Of course how did he end his video? By saying, “All signs point to love.” All signs also point to the fact I’m bleeding out of both ears now.
Mike R.: He’s a dental student that was born and raised in England, but now lives in Dallas. Lets all stand up and applaud Mike R. Why? Because here’s a kid who grew up in a country where dental hygiene is basically considered optional, and he took it upon himself because he was so terrified of English people’s chompers growing up that he decided to dedicate his life’s work to helping people in that department. Give this man a medal.
Brandon: He’s an adrenaline junkie. He likes to do everything full throttle. Wakeboarding, motorcycling, etc. I don’t know this for a fact, but something tells me this gear head was first in line for “Fast and Furious 6” this weekend and drank 3 full Monster Energy’s during the showing. Seems like he’s one of THOSE people. And oh yeah, dad left when he was 5 and his mom struggled with addiction. Apparently that’s a prerequisite this season or something.
Nope. To me, Lesley still wins. Have to wait til next season to see if any girl tops the “Lesley/Sean 2016 poster” while standing smack dab in the middle of downtown DC.