-The cocktail party begins and if you thought “This is my Cinderella story…I didn’t come from much…I lived in tents…I never had a lot of nice things” will get old, Desiree drops this on the guy’s immediately: “I’ve been in the same position…the best advice I can give you is to be yourself.” Good lord. How many times in the last 2 weeks since Desiree has started her pre-show interviews has she given the “I’ve been in the same position” line? 100? 500? Yes, we know. We watched you last season. And not just to harp on Desiree, because EVERY lead says this EVERY season. Like it’s supposed to be some sort of comforting line to ease the tension. Yes, the audience is aware, and the guys are aware that you’ve been in that position before. And when you were in that position before, you were completely devastated when Sean sent you home, you wouldn’t let go of your hug, and were telling him he made the biggest mistake of his life, which we obviously know isn’t true. I say she just is honest with them from the get go. “Guys, since you are in this isolated bubble, you will begin to have feelings for me that aren’t really genuine, but it’s just because you have no other girls to look at for the next month, so of course I’ll become the object of your affection. And when producers are force feeding you to say things in your ITM’s like, ‘I could see her as my wife,’ ‘Desiree is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met,’ and ‘I could see a future with this woman,’ you’ll actually start to believe it. Then once you’re eliminated, you’ll be like, ‘Why the hell did I say all that stuff when I totally didn’t mean it, just like I did with Sean. Enjoy the journey.” Yes. I think every lead should say that verbatim at the beginning of the first cocktail party.
-Nick Copperfield stands up first in front of the room to tell everyone he has a magic trick. Although it’s not a magic trick, it’s a horrible joke that has him saying he’s gonna make Des disappear for 5 minutes. Tomatoes are thrown at him. At least they should’ve been. You know how much Des was impressed that Nick does magic? One of the first questions out of her mouth: “Are you a magician full time?” Nick: “No honey. That’s just night’s and weekends. During the day I’m, wait for it…wait for it…a tailor! How you like dem’ apples?” Needless to say, I think Des was thrown for a loop with that answer. I mean, if casting can’t pull something better than a tailor/magician, this could be a long ass season. Oh right, Des lived in tents and never had any nice things, so it doesn’t matter what Nick does. Sure it doesn’t. Can’t imagine why he didn’t last more than a night. Maybe Des is afraid of magic? Maybe Des doesn’t care for tailors? Or maybe Des doesn’t want her future husband to be gone every weekend at kids’ parties doing slight-of-hand card tricks.
-Brandon has an interesting story. He used his mom’s 7 year sober coin to determine whether he wanted to come on this show after flipping it. And skipped his birthday. Hey, I’ve never been a big birthday guy and even I wouldn’t do something so ridiculous. I think this year is the first time in about 5 years I’m gonna do anything remotely interesting for my birthday that doesn’t involve a BBQ with friends. Gonna go see one of my favorite stand up comedians, Jay Mohr, on Saturday night with a group of friends. Yes, that’s considered a rager for my birthday. Beat that, Brandon. Anyway, he gives Des his mom’s 7 year sober coin and wants her to give it back to her once he gets a hometown date. Ooooohhhhh so close. He only missed getting one of those by 5 episodes. So did Des mail it back? Did she lose it in her purse? Did she chuck it in the fountain once she eliminated him? You know how some of you ask for “Where are they now” updates on some of the contestants? I’d like a “Where is Brandon’s mom’s 7 year sober coin at this moment” update. Pronto.
-Ben gets his alone time with Des (minus Brody who’s chillin in a limo with grandma suckin’ down some AJ), and tells her he’s never been married. “It’s like two friends that have a kid together. We’re honestly best friends. He’s got a great mother.” Well, it’s certainly something that Ben has over Brad, no doubt. Ben and Des are hitting off about as well as Jonathan and Des didn’t hit it off. Both like the outdoors, including hunting, fishing, camping, road trips, etc. You could see where this conversation was gonna lead. I wanted to see them show off their camping skills and start a fire with two sticks and Drew’s hair grease. But no, she had to get up to go fetch a first impression rose for Ben, which he gladly accepted. Was it fair he got to use his cute kid to make an impression on Desiree? Of course not. But it worked, so I guess screw everyone else, including the 3 other single dads that were on the show who didn’t get to bring their kids. But as Ben says, “All’s fair in love and war.” Ben has a rose and none of the other single dads (Dr. Larry, Juan Pablo, and Brad) don’t.
-The weirdness kinda starts after that as we get quick glimpses of guys trying to impress Desiree. Brad starts having a seizure in front of her. Some might call it dancing. No. It was a seizure. I hope medics attended to him quickly before he started swallowing his own tongue. Brian named a star after Desiree, calling it “Desirion.” Probably close to the planet he emerged from with that Cro-Magnon forehead of his. Zak then does what’s been known in season’s past to be the kiss of death, and strips down to jump in the pool. It’s safe to say Zak doesn’t like wearing much clothing. Obviously he’s put together and in shape, but my guess is, middle America will see it as arrogance. However, for stripping down to his boxer briefs and jumping into the pool, Des gives him a rose. Although, did you see when she gave it to him? She was about to walk past him, and then was like, “You know what? Here, you get one for going in the water.” Maybe she initially didn’t want to. Maybe she did. But she definitely had already taken at least one step past him before she realized to give him a rose. Des likes nudity.
-Bryden is up next and makes sure he tells Des that his dog is one of his best friends. But he also has lived overseas, he’s still in the Army, and has awful hair. I think he realizes how much his hair sucks, so the only way to make up for it is to tell a story about how he befriended a kid from Iraq when he was deployed overseas, and immediately this got Desiree all squishy inside, so she went and gave him a rose. Never fails. When you’re having trouble communicating with a woman, or you feel conversation is slowing, or maybe you’re losing her interest, it’s best to go to the “I-befriended-a-little-boy-in-Iraq-who-taught-me-so-much-about-life” card. It’s a game saver. Oh hey, was anyone aware that I was a Big Brother for 3 years to an underprivileged 6th grade African American kid back in 2003? Just thought I’d throw that out there.
-JuPAAHHblo is a former professional soccer player. So naturally he takes Des outside to teach her how to dribble. And bounce the ball off her knee. You know, I don’t want to accuse JuaPAAHHblo of stealing anyone’s game, but I’m sorry. I just have to. Watching that scene last night and tell me if it’s not eerily similar to one of the greatest flirting/soccer scenes from my generation. Or any generation for that matter.
I’m sorry, but JuaPAAHHblo needs to be paying Ralph Macchio royalties today. Don’t even get me started on the game that Daniel LaRusso had. If that skinny dork could pull Elisabeth Shue by getting his ass kicked in front of her and then taking her to Golf N’ Stuff, then he’s got some serious pull with the ladies. I love how p***y whipped Daniel was already from a California girl talking to him that she basically says, “Here, go fetch as I kick this ball into the ocean,” and he doesn’t bat an eye to go get it. One of these days, maybe I’ll do a dissertation on the “Karate Kid” and how that movie shaped my middle school days.
-Drew gets his time with Des’ and asks, “When do the butterflies go away? I kinda don’t want them to.” Barf. Why do I get the feeling that at some point this season Drew will break into song in front of Des with, “Why…do…birds, suddenly appear…every time…you are near? Just like me, they long to be…close to you.” You know, like Rick Moranis did in “Parenthood?”
One of the all-time underrated movies. I’m 100% convinced that after night one, Drew would jump in front of an oncoming bus if it meant saving Des’ life. He’s seems a liiiiiiiiiiitle too eager already. But his eagerness got him a rose.
-Dr. Larry sits Desiree down and taunts her with a piece of candy to come back to his white van waiting outside. Kidding. Sort of. I think. No, he just apologizes 87 times for not being able to dip a woman without tearing her dress. Apologize once? Absolutely. Continuing to apologize while drunk, constantly taking your glasses on and off, and gazing at Des like she’s a piece of meat? Ummmmm, not your best effort Mr. Doctor. After his elimination, he was acting as if he was Fred Astaire and how could anyone possibly resist his dance moves? Huh? You are no Derek Hough or Mark Ballas my friend. I say you go back to the office and apologize to your co-workers for embarrassing yourself on national TV. And trade in your Clark Kent frames for a new pair before Lois dumps you. “Man of Steel” only 2 weeks away. Very excited.
-That brings us to Jonathan. Look, I’m not naïve enough to think that Jonathan chased Desiree around the mansion last night drunk off his ass wanting to get in her pants without a little poking and prodding from the producers. Of course they were egging him on to do that. However, that doesn’t change the fact he still did it and showed himself to be one of the biggest first night ass clowns this show has ever seen. To steal a bit from “Saturday Night Live,” we’ll now play “Really?” with Reality Steve.
-Really Jonathan? Really? You thought it’d be a good idea to go on national TV and try to bed down a woman with 24 other guys in the mansion and cameras following you everywhere? Really?
-Really? Lets just say she did say, “You know what, I’m down Jonathan. Lets sneak into this room for a quickie.” Do you really think that the other guys wouldn’t have noticed, and maybe production would’ve basically had to shut down on filming if the lead became a slut on the first night? Really?
-Really Jonathan? In what alternate reality would you have to be living in to think that your behavior that night was remotely acceptable? Does this happen in your every day life? Do you usually prepare beds and light candles for all your first dates in hopes that you can somehow get them naked by the end of the night? Really?
-Really? The worst part about it Jonathan is that YOU were the drunk one, not Desiree. If this had any remote chance of working, wouldn’t you have to be the one in control with her as the sloppy drunk asking you to take her to Pleasuretown? Really?
-Really? I don’t know why you felt the need to tell us your love tank hasn’t been depleted for years, nor do I really care to, but isn’t that MORE of a sign you probably shouldn’t have taken that approach? I tend to look at that as you were basically admitting, “I haven’t been laid in a while, I’m drinking, she’s the only girl in the house, I think I’ll try and nail her.” That was your approach? Really?
-Rose ceremony time. Ben, Zak, Bryden, Drew, Michael, and Nick M. (did they actually show her giving Nick an early rose last night? I certainly don’t remember it) all have roses. Des’ first speech of the season basically rivals everything she’s said in all her pre-season interviews. She sticks with generic, toe-the-company-line sentences. “Thank you for being here…meant a lot you open up and share your life with me…I’m looking for someone who can communicate and be open…you exceeded all my expectations…well, except for that douchestick that practically tried to rape me on television. Yeah, could’ve done without him.”
Brandon: Nickname: Billy Bad Ass.
Zack K.: Zero air time other seeing him in his bow tie and Chuck’s.
Will: He’s so exciteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to be heeeeeeeeeeeeeere!
Brooks: I’m fascinated by his chompers.
JuaPAAHHblo: It’s almost like he’s a cartoon of himself.
Brad: I hope he didn’t injure himself dancing. Or suffer long term damage to his central nervous system. That looked like it hurt.
Kasey: #hashtag, #hashtag, #hashtag, #thisbetterstop
James: Zero air time as well.
Robert: The sign I’m reading says you’ll be out the door next week.
Brian: Only 2 more episodes away until his giant flameout.
Dan: I think he was let go early enough so he could go film the next 2 seasons of “Survivor.”
Chris: “Lets hide the guy that finished 2nd so no one will suspect it’s him except for, you know, the hundreds of thousands of people who’ve read the spoilers already.”
“Desiree, gentlemen, it’s the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. This season I will now be sexting with my hot cougar piece during my off time to make the Biebs mom jealous.”
Mikey: “Hey yo, who ordered the pizza here?” (Spoken in a thick Italian accent). Yes, I know Mikey is from Chicago but he looks like he should be flipping dough into the air at Rays Pizza.
Zzzzzzzzzzzhhhhhhh-oh-go is pretty heartbroken he didn’t get a rose. “I’m completely lost…I don’t know what to do…I have an explosion of love and feelings.” Jonathan’s love tank feels the same way. I think you two should get together and swap stories about all the explosions you guys can have in the future. Hey, just go on the secret Bachelor FB group and start whoreing yourselves out to others on there. I’m sure someone will take the bait. Who wouldn’t want to sleep with Robocop 2013 and a guy who made sexual predators around the world re-think their profession.
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