-I think it’s safe to say we’ll be seeing a liiiiiitle more of Chris Harrison this season. No, not because he has extra hosting duties or anything. But it’s probably written into his contract that he gets to pimp out his new Cam-inspired clothing line as often as possible. Episode 2 of the season is the first time Chris gets his morning pow-wow to explain the “rules” of this show. “I’m gonna explain how this all works.” Chris, it’s been 11 years and now 26 seasons. If these meatheads still don’t have a clue on how this show works, they probably shouldn’t be cast. Or actually, that’s EXACTLY why they’re cast because it’s easier to manipulate them if they’re clueless to how the process works. My favorite one from Chris was this though: “The 1-on-1 date though…thaaaaaat’s a little more complicated.” Really? It is? Ummmm, you either get a rose or you don’t. Not that hard, Tommy Hilfiger wannabe. Does anybody whose ever watched 14 seconds of this show think that there’s anything “complicated” about ANYTHING regarding this show? Probably not.
-Brooks gets the first date of the season and is kinda happy. “I’m doin’ the Rocky Balboa…I’m so pumped.” And what exactly would “doin the Rocky Balboa” mean? I didn’t see you doing anything other than sit there with your greasy mullet and Count Chocula teeth. Adult humans have 32 teeth, right? Dentists, help me out. Forget it. I just googled it. Then how is it that Brooks is able to cram 47 of those in there? Amazing. A quick shot over to what Des is doing before her date. Slipping into something comfortable? Nope. Dabbing some perfume on? Wrong again. Getting the warm fuzzies in anticipation of meeting her future ex-fiance? No sir. She’s sketching wedding dresses or something. Well, lets just say Des still can’t believe she’s here. “I woke up today in Malibu, and my dreams have come true…I feel like a princess…I have a great group of guys.” You do? You barely know them? You’ve had one night with them. And judging by public opinion and the less-than-stellar-ratings-last-week-compared-to-Ali-Ashley-and-Emily, I’d say people aren’t necessarily agreeing with that statement.
-Immediately I have to call Brooks out on something. Besides his hair and vampire enamel. Ummmm, did he just pronounce Desiree’s name “Dez-err-RAY,” with the emphasis on the last part of her name? It’s “DEZ-err-ray.” I don’t know if he did it the rest of the date, but he sure as hell did it in the beginning. Ugh. Let me also point out that I fully understand how important social media is in today’s world. I get it. The more your brand gets noticed on Twitter, Facebook, Vine, etc it all helps bring eyes to your product/show etc. With that said, showing tweets during the “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” now is just about the most worthless thing and adds nothing to the bottom line. And no, it’s not some sort of bitterness on my part because none of my tweets get posted. Please. Are you kidding me? I could tweet out nothing but positive, loving, and endearing comments about the show, Chris Harrison, Mike Fleiss, Robert Mills, Elan Gale, Cassie Lambert Scaletter, Pete Scaletter, Ken Fuchs, the whole crew, whatever, and it still would never get posted. My thing is, if you’re gonna post tweets from fans, how about not every single one is of someone kissing the show’s ass? And from the same 7 people? A little variety wouldn’t kill anyone. Just a suggestion. This show LOVES retweeting things if you’re kissing their ass. It’s what they’re good at. Very transparent and it’s obvious who they tend to favor. Embarrassing. Hence the reason you’ll never see any of my tweets. Well that and they all hate me. It’s all good. I’m doing just fine over here. The next interesting/funny/insightful tweet they post on that show will be the first.
-Des picks Brooks up in her aqua Bentley so she can take him tuxedo shopping because as we know, every guy wants to shop for their wedding attire on the first date. It’s not creepy whatsoever. Their day of trying on tux’s was eerily similar to this:
This leads them to Hollywood Blvd where they took it even one step further than picking out their wedding day clothing, now they’re tasting cakes. What’s funny is when this date was happening back on Saturday March 16th, and some of those crazy ass fans practically on the verge of tears were tweeting and instagramming pictures out, it made us think that this would be a major portion of their date. Not quite. They literally showed :15 seconds of them doing that before moving on. However, :15 seconds was enough to see how ridiculously crazy some people get about seeing people from this show in public. Holy crap. I thought that one woman was gonna kidnap Des and stick her in the trunk of her car and drive away. #Stalker. #Probablypostsonmessageboards.
-They leave Hollywood Blvd and take the Bentley up to the “Hollywood” sign, a place they went to during Ali’s first date of the season with Frank. So yeah, not too original. In fact, this whole was in recycled places. Hollywood Blvd is where Sean and Lesley awkwardly set the world record (I think?) for consecutive minutes of lips touching. I wouldn’t call that kissing. They sit up on one of the letters talking about their past relationships and what not. Brooks: “This is so awesome, it doesn’t seem real. Desiree you’re the best.” Yes she is, because totally planned this one, right Brooks? Is the lead just given a playbook of all past dates on this show, then she just hand picks out, “Yeah, I wanna do what Ali did at the Hollywood sign.” Very not creative, producing team. However, in case you didn’t know, Des feels like and princess and says, “I’m in a fairytale.” I think the “Bachelorette” should just start acknowledging the fantastic work done by the “Burning Love” writers and just start having Des say “fanty-tale” from now on. Anyway, the Hollywood sign is actually a pretty cool date in my eyes for one reason: the 90210 franchise. Who can forget when the original gang changed the lettering on it after graduation? But better yet, for the 12 people that watched the re-boot 90210 including myself, who can forget in season 2 when Jasper tried to commit suicide by jumping off it cuz Annie wouldn’t give up the ass? Really, I need a life.
-So Des and Brooks continue to talk about their future, and marriage, and kids and what not, and Des makes it perfectly clear to Brooks she is ready to settle down. Des: “But I’m ready. I’m so ready,” saying this all while not coming close to looking Brooks in the eye. Oh well. Can’t wait til this breakup happens to remember this watershed moment in their relationship. Brooks is just as giddy as Des. “This could be a first kiss with somebody I spend the rest of my life with.” Yes, it very well could be Brooks. Or, it could be just the first kiss with some random girl on a reality show that you signed up for and you’ll kiss for the next few months before realizing (or her realizing) that this show was strictly done as a career advancement. But hey, good luck you two!
-The third part of their date is none than…wait for it…ANOTHER recycled location. One they were JUST at in the last season of “Bachelor Pad” when Kalon and Lindzi had dinner there and he fooled her into thinking he actually liked her even though he was basically cheating on her the whole time they were together. Yeah, the beginning of that wonderful relationship was on that same bridge. Can’t wait to see how Des and Brooks turn out now. And were we really supposed to think that Brooks was scared of the neighborhood they were in and really didn’t know where they were going even though cameras are following them everywhere, and people are filming you as you move “Road Closed” signs and not screaming, “Noooooooo!!!! Stay the hell out of there!!!!” This show really preys on the stupid I tell ya’. Over dinner (or whatever food they pretended to eat), Des tells Brooks she didn’t grow up with much, you know, in case he hasn’t been made aware of that 1,500 times by now. Her parents were very close, married over 30 years, and is the exact relationship she wants with her future husband. Great. Then why are you doing this show? And why are you brow beating Brooks to tell you about his rather crappy divorced childhood that had him not speaking to his father for 6 years? Ouch. Dump a little salt on that wound, huh? I don’t know what’s worse, Brooks breaking out the tears having to answer that question, or, having to do it all while his greasy mop is getting the frizzies in the cold LA night. Tough one.
-Andy Grammer performed a private concert for them and to say Des and Brooks weren’t Fred and Ginger would be an understatement. Hell, they weren’t Emily and Chris Bukowski for that matter. The highlight of their dance was when they recreated the scene from “Saturday Night Fever” (starts at 1:16):
Awesome. How cool is that to see skinny John Travolta back in the 70’s before he started he painting on his hair and pretending he doesn’t like male masseuses? Which was then recreated in the greatest robot/love story movie ever made, “Short Circuit” (starts at 1:58)
Can you really beat Ally Sheedy in her prime trying to sex up a robot named Johnny 5, all while making Steve Guttenburg jealous? I think not. I would’ve love to have been in the pitch meeting for that movie. “Ok guys, Sheedy is hot right now! Hot I tell ya’! I got a great script here. Some robot comes to life, starts trying to get in Sheedy’s pants, Guttenburg’s got to save him because he’s the only one who believes he’s real, all while falling for the robot AND Sheedy. And in the end, the three run away together and break state laws everywhere for threesomes involving robots. And if that wasn’t enough for ya’, El DeBarge can come out with the catchy ass #1 single to the soundtrack. Who’s in?!!!” There was about a 2 week period in 1986 where “Short Circuit” was easily my favorite movie of all-time. C’mon, you didn’t sing “Who’s Johnny” all day, every day? I mean, just the acting in the video alone should be enough to win you over. Hate to say it El DeBarge, but you are no Menudo. There are about 1 trillion things wrong with that video. SUCH a typical 80’s video, but I don’t care. It’s now in your head for the rest of the day. You’re welcome.
Somehow I have digressed from talking about Des and Brooks dancing on a bridge to a 1986 movie about a robot trying to feel up Ally Sheedy. It’s safe to say that I will never get past my love for bad 80’s movies. Ever. Lets move on.