Reality Steve

The Bachelorette 9 - Desiree

The Bachelorette Desiree Recap Including Ratings News & More Bad 80’s (and 70’s) Movie Clips

-I think it’s safe to say we’ll be seeing a liiiiiitle more of Chris Harrison this season. No, not because he has extra hosting duties or anything. But it’s probably written into his contract that he gets to pimp out his new Cam-inspired clothing line as often as possible. Episode 2 of the season is the first time Chris gets his morning pow-wow to explain the “rules” of this show. “I’m gonna explain how this all works.” Chris, it’s been 11 years and now 26 seasons. If these meatheads still don’t have a clue on how this show works, they probably shouldn’t be cast. Or actually, that’s EXACTLY why they’re cast because it’s easier to manipulate them if they’re clueless to how the process works. My favorite one from Chris was this though: “The 1-on-1 date though…thaaaaaat’s a little more complicated.” Really? It is? Ummmm, you either get a rose or you don’t. Not that hard, Tommy Hilfiger wannabe. Does anybody whose ever watched 14 seconds of this show think that there’s anything “complicated” about ANYTHING regarding this show? Probably not.

-Brooks gets the first date of the season and is kinda happy. “I’m doin’ the Rocky Balboa…I’m so pumped.” And what exactly would “doin the Rocky Balboa” mean? I didn’t see you doing anything other than sit there with your greasy mullet and Count Chocula teeth. Adult humans have 32 teeth, right? Dentists, help me out. Forget it. I just googled it. Then how is it that Brooks is able to cram 47 of those in there? Amazing. A quick shot over to what Des is doing before her date. Slipping into something comfortable? Nope. Dabbing some perfume on? Wrong again. Getting the warm fuzzies in anticipation of meeting her future ex-fiance? No sir. She’s sketching wedding dresses or something. Well, lets just say Des still can’t believe she’s here. “I woke up today in Malibu, and my dreams have come true…I feel like a princess…I have a great group of guys.” You do? You barely know them? You’ve had one night with them. And judging by public opinion and the less-than-stellar-ratings-last-week-compared-to-Ali-Ashley-and-Emily, I’d say people aren’t necessarily agreeing with that statement.

-Immediately I have to call Brooks out on something. Besides his hair and vampire enamel. Ummmm, did he just pronounce Desiree’s name “Dez-err-RAY,” with the emphasis on the last part of her name? It’s “DEZ-err-ray.” I don’t know if he did it the rest of the date, but he sure as hell did it in the beginning. Ugh. Let me also point out that I fully understand how important social media is in today’s world. I get it. The more your brand gets noticed on Twitter, Facebook, Vine, etc it all helps bring eyes to your product/show etc. With that said, showing tweets during the “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” now is just about the most worthless thing and adds nothing to the bottom line. And no, it’s not some sort of bitterness on my part because none of my tweets get posted. Please. Are you kidding me? I could tweet out nothing but positive, loving, and endearing comments about the show, Chris Harrison, Mike Fleiss, Robert Mills, Elan Gale, Cassie Lambert Scaletter, Pete Scaletter, Ken Fuchs, the whole crew, whatever, and it still would never get posted. My thing is, if you’re gonna post tweets from fans, how about not every single one is of someone kissing the show’s ass? And from the same 7 people? A little variety wouldn’t kill anyone. Just a suggestion. This show LOVES retweeting things if you’re kissing their ass. It’s what they’re good at. Very transparent and it’s obvious who they tend to favor. Embarrassing. Hence the reason you’ll never see any of my tweets. Well that and they all hate me. It’s all good. I’m doing just fine over here. The next interesting/funny/insightful tweet they post on that show will be the first.

-Des picks Brooks up in her aqua Bentley so she can take him tuxedo shopping because as we know, every guy wants to shop for their wedding attire on the first date. It’s not creepy whatsoever. Their day of trying on tux’s was eerily similar to this:

This leads them to Hollywood Blvd where they took it even one step further than picking out their wedding day clothing, now they’re tasting cakes. What’s funny is when this date was happening back on Saturday March 16th, and some of those crazy ass fans practically on the verge of tears were tweeting and instagramming pictures out, it made us think that this would be a major portion of their date. Not quite. They literally showed :15 seconds of them doing that before moving on. However, :15 seconds was enough to see how ridiculously crazy some people get about seeing people from this show in public. Holy crap. I thought that one woman was gonna kidnap Des and stick her in the trunk of her car and drive away. #Stalker. #Probablypostsonmessageboards.

-They leave Hollywood Blvd and take the Bentley up to the “Hollywood” sign, a place they went to during Ali’s first date of the season with Frank. So yeah, not too original. In fact, this whole was in recycled places. Hollywood Blvd is where Sean and Lesley awkwardly set the world record (I think?) for consecutive minutes of lips touching. I wouldn’t call that kissing. They sit up on one of the letters talking about their past relationships and what not. Brooks: “This is so awesome, it doesn’t seem real. Desiree you’re the best.” Yes she is, because totally planned this one, right Brooks? Is the lead just given a playbook of all past dates on this show, then she just hand picks out, “Yeah, I wanna do what Ali did at the Hollywood sign.” Very not creative, producing team. However, in case you didn’t know, Des feels like and princess and says, “I’m in a fairytale.” I think the “Bachelorette” should just start acknowledging the fantastic work done by the “Burning Love” writers and just start having Des say “fanty-tale” from now on. Anyway, the Hollywood sign is actually a pretty cool date in my eyes for one reason: the 90210 franchise. Who can forget when the original gang changed the lettering on it after graduation? But better yet, for the 12 people that watched the re-boot 90210 including myself, who can forget in season 2 when Jasper tried to commit suicide by jumping off it cuz Annie wouldn’t give up the ass? Really, I need a life.

-So Des and Brooks continue to talk about their future, and marriage, and kids and what not, and Des makes it perfectly clear to Brooks she is ready to settle down. Des: “But I’m ready. I’m so ready,” saying this all while not coming close to looking Brooks in the eye. Oh well. Can’t wait til this breakup happens to remember this watershed moment in their relationship. Brooks is just as giddy as Des. “This could be a first kiss with somebody I spend the rest of my life with.” Yes, it very well could be Brooks. Or, it could be just the first kiss with some random girl on a reality show that you signed up for and you’ll kiss for the next few months before realizing (or her realizing) that this show was strictly done as a career advancement. But hey, good luck you two!

-The third part of their date is none than…wait for it…ANOTHER recycled location. One they were JUST at in the last season of “Bachelor Pad” when Kalon and Lindzi had dinner there and he fooled her into thinking he actually liked her even though he was basically cheating on her the whole time they were together. Yeah, the beginning of that wonderful relationship was on that same bridge. Can’t wait to see how Des and Brooks turn out now. And were we really supposed to think that Brooks was scared of the neighborhood they were in and really didn’t know where they were going even though cameras are following them everywhere, and people are filming you as you move “Road Closed” signs and not screaming, “Noooooooo!!!! Stay the hell out of there!!!!” This show really preys on the stupid I tell ya’. Over dinner (or whatever food they pretended to eat), Des tells Brooks she didn’t grow up with much, you know, in case he hasn’t been made aware of that 1,500 times by now. Her parents were very close, married over 30 years, and is the exact relationship she wants with her future husband. Great. Then why are you doing this show? And why are you brow beating Brooks to tell you about his rather crappy divorced childhood that had him not speaking to his father for 6 years? Ouch. Dump a little salt on that wound, huh? I don’t know what’s worse, Brooks breaking out the tears having to answer that question, or, having to do it all while his greasy mop is getting the frizzies in the cold LA night. Tough one.

-Andy Grammer performed a private concert for them and to say Des and Brooks weren’t Fred and Ginger would be an understatement. Hell, they weren’t Emily and Chris Bukowski for that matter. The highlight of their dance was when they recreated the scene from “Saturday Night Fever” (starts at 1:16):

Awesome. How cool is that to see skinny John Travolta back in the 70’s before he started he painting on his hair and pretending he doesn’t like male masseuses? Which was then recreated in the greatest robot/love story movie ever made, “Short Circuit” (starts at 1:58)

Can you really beat Ally Sheedy in her prime trying to sex up a robot named Johnny 5, all while making Steve Guttenburg jealous? I think not. I would’ve love to have been in the pitch meeting for that movie. “Ok guys, Sheedy is hot right now! Hot I tell ya’! I got a great script here. Some robot comes to life, starts trying to get in Sheedy’s pants, Guttenburg’s got to save him because he’s the only one who believes he’s real, all while falling for the robot AND Sheedy. And in the end, the three run away together and break state laws everywhere for threesomes involving robots. And if that wasn’t enough for ya’, El DeBarge can come out with the catchy ass #1 single to the soundtrack. Who’s in?!!!” There was about a 2 week period in 1986 where “Short Circuit” was easily my favorite movie of all-time. C’mon, you didn’t sing “Who’s Johnny” all day, every day? I mean, just the acting in the video alone should be enough to win you over. Hate to say it El DeBarge, but you are no Menudo. There are about 1 trillion things wrong with that video. SUCH a typical 80’s video, but I don’t care. It’s now in your head for the rest of the day. You’re welcome.

Somehow I have digressed from talking about Des and Brooks dancing on a bridge to a 1986 movie about a robot trying to feel up Ally Sheedy. It’s safe to say that I will never get past my love for bad 80’s movies. Ever. Lets move on.

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  1. vessel

    June 4, 2013 at 12:07 PM

    Ali Fedotowsky is still blogging the show.

  2. addicted2rs

    June 4, 2013 at 1:21 PM

    Fleiss and company are casting men that aren’t desirable. No one wants to end up with a d-bag, so why would women want to watch a show where the majority of the guys are women’s worst fear of ending up with?

  3. bigfatwoman

    June 4, 2013 at 2:11 PM

    My thoughts on last night:

    Des is a nice, sweet, simple girl without a ton of personality.

    Brooks. See above only substitute boy for girl.

    James is kinda handsome in a thick neck football player kinda way.

    The Ben thing is overdone and dumb dumb dumb

    RS, I hate when you insert videos into your blog for filler or comic relief. One is enough.

    Otherwise, let the boring season continue!

  4. rob22

    June 4, 2013 at 2:45 PM

    Mikey = Ronnie from Jersey Shore

  5. rob22

    June 4, 2013 at 2:48 PM

    Am I wrong, or did Desiree keep saying “Soldier” boy instead of Soulja Boy? After the diverse Bachelor Sean season, this has to be the whitest cast in history. Even the black dude couldn’t dance & was almost whiter than the white guys. The raps were just embarassing…. ya know, some white people can dance and rap….. just not any of the people on this show.

  6. iheartvino

    June 4, 2013 at 3:23 PM

    Hasn’t the Bachelorette always competed with The Voice on Mondays? I didn’t think that was anything new this year.

  7. iheartvino

    June 4, 2013 at 3:24 PM

    I mean for as long as The Voice has been around, anyway.

  8. bzliteyear

    June 4, 2013 at 6:06 PM

    i don’t get it!
    desiree goes from clean cut sean to a feminine loser with bad haircut, oily hair that hasn’t been washed in a week, and looks like he showers once per week(if that)?

  9. kjopo84

    June 4, 2013 at 8:38 PM

    I don’t think Brooks’ hair is greasy, I think he just uses product in it. It’s no worse than Drew and James’ wet helmet look. I think Brooks is cute, I wouldn’t mind a haircut, some of his google pics where his hair is a bit shorter definitely ups his hotness factor, but those DIMPLES. Dimples and twinkly eyes are my kryptonite. I think most of the guys seem nice but just sort of dull.

    Zak W. may have given a cheesy gift, but he definitely stepped up his game a bit and showed more of himself. I can’t wait to see Chris more, because I loved his shoe-tying bit when he met Des. Also looking forward to more of Drew, even though he looks like a little boy version of Jake Pavelka; hes still cute and giddy.

    I don’t think Ben is horrible for interrupting Des’ time with Michael, but he does come across as a bit douchey to me. Just kind of arrogant and annoying.
    Other thoughts: I know Brian will be the one with the gf showing up, but is anything revealed about Brydens situation during the course of the show I wonder? We may have to wait til MTL or ATFR.

    I see Brandon and hear the psycho theme in my head. He’s the neediest guy ever.

    Finally, I wonder if we will ever hear Brad or No-Neck Zach speak.

  10. kasey31

    June 4, 2013 at 11:48 PM

    Iheart- Yes, for as long as I can remember it has! Last year I believe the premiere of the Voice aired right after Superbowl, and the Bachelorette aired in the beginning of March..

  11. karynr

    June 5, 2013 at 2:17 AM

    First…..The Voice….only because this show is so much more entertaining than the Bach. This season is really boring. TEAM MICHELLE.

    Random thoughts
    I find Brooks quite unattractive. The teeth and hair are really unappealing. He does seem to be a sweet guy.

    If that first scene was a preview of Chris’s clothing line, I’m not impressed. It looked like he forgot to take off his pajama top before leaving for work.

    Bryden….If he was buried in the sand up to his neck, someone could have worked on that awful do. The shape of his head reminds me of Charlie Brown.

    Dez and Brooks dancing was so awkward. I have two left feet, so I probably shouldn’t talk.

    Mikey…..I know a Howie, and the older I get, the harder it is to call a grown man Howie. It reminds me of my neighbors growing up, Arfie and Philsi…..yuck.

    I don’t know how I feel about Ben yet. The show is so contrived, it’s hard to tell this early. My gut says he’s a major player and possibly a dbag to women.

    Good recap, RS!

  12. lisa e

    June 5, 2013 at 7:29 AM

    Oh ABC! It’s THE GUYS! That’s the reason for the low ratings. Des is a gorgeous, modest sweetheart. Emily was a pain in the butt. She was high-maintenance, and proud of it!

    These guys are easily the worst batch I have seen yet! So many of the other castings were rich with All-American boys we would be proud to bring home to our parents. This one is just a bunch of cast-offs that you hope will produce drama. That’s not what we want for The Bachelorette!!
    We want romance, sweetness and light! This is our turn for the FANTASY, the Cinderella story. We are not interested in Little Boy Drama. That’s our nightmare…

  13. lilybug13

    June 5, 2013 at 8:19 AM

    Brooks looks like a young Billy Drago (The Untouchables, Children of the Corn) :

  14. ccrider

    June 5, 2013 at 8:42 AM

    Did anyone happen to watch the new show Mistresses?

  15. vessel

    June 5, 2013 at 8:58 AM

    @lilybug13, I just googled “Billy Drago” and wow, you are so right!

  16. kjopo84

    June 5, 2013 at 11:44 AM

    Holy cats lilybug, he totally DOES look like Billy Drago!

  17. iheartvino

    June 5, 2013 at 1:52 PM

    I do see some resemblance to Billy Drago, but I think Brooks looks a lot more like the guy from Joe Millionaire, Evan Marriott. (But Evan is slightly better looking in my opinion) Anyone remember that train wreck of a show?

    ccrider- nope, didn’t watch Mistresses. If you watched, how was it? It looked God awful from the previews so I stayed away.

  18. crushonspivey

    June 5, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    Des got the biggest contingent of meatheads I have ever seen on this franchise. They are dull. Unless your idea of fun is to watch dudes pick things up and put them down, while chugging protein shake while slamming their supplements.

    The casting director choked.

  19. randais

    June 5, 2013 at 4:50 PM

    cc- I’m with Iheart, “Mistresses” held no appeal for me at all.

    I am going to try “Under the Dome”, I love anything scifi (ish).

    The Voice – I’m not so much a Michelle fan but I LOVED Holly…so sad to see her go. 🙁

  20. randais

    June 5, 2013 at 4:50 PM

    Oh yeah, oops, SPOILER ALERT….my bad.

  21. elizabeth82

    June 5, 2013 at 4:54 PM

    Brooks seems nice–and I do like longer hair when it’s not greasy from product in it–but his voice is so girly. He’s also kind of effeminate in his mannerisms/gestures. I also didn’t like the chunky ring he had on (was that a class ring? Either way not a good look). I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s gay, maybe bi? But he’s just not doing it for me in the manly department. My fav guy is Michael (manly, good job, cute but still kind of an interesting face), though I wish he’d steer clear of the Ben drama. I also am looking forward to seeing more of Chris because he seems actually normal and like he has a good sense of humor from his intro to Des. So many of these guys need to go, pronto: Brandon (too many issues), Ben (arrogant and manipulative, politican vibe), Mikey and James (meatheads), Drew (gay), Brian, Brad.

    Do you guys think Des having to ask Bryden to kiss her means she’s more into him than he is into her? I’m thinking about the spoiler that he leaves on his own and if he already knows he’s not interested or what. Curious to see that play out.

    Anyone interested in that upcoming show “Whodunnit?” I might check it out (Clue’s my fav board game after all, ha).

  22. jillbeau

    June 5, 2013 at 6:53 PM

    Hey everyone…it’s been awhile. This season has been pretty underwhelming so far (the whole 2 episodes it’s been on). I found myself fast-forwarding through the majority of Monday’s episode.

    As a side note…I’m convinced that Mikey and James are the same person.

  23. jenhering

    June 5, 2013 at 7:46 PM

    Thanks Steve for these recap posts. You make me smile!

  24. kasey31

    June 5, 2013 at 10:17 PM

    Elizabeth, normally I would say no about Des having to ask for the kiss first (I think Emily asked Jef for a kiss first), but in this case, I’m going to assume yes. Mainly because it sounds like the men weren’t too impressed this season with Des- I guess it was a two-way street. I’m kind of wondering if some men dropped out when they found out that Des was the Bachelorette? Not sure why, but I just have a hard time believing they wouldn’t have a better group of guys for her. Maybe the guys that made it were the ones that production thought she would weed out?

    Hi, Jill! You made me laugh out loud with your assessment that Mikey and James are one and the same.

    Thanks for the recap, Steve. It doesn’t surprise me at all that this is an all-time low for the Bachelor franchise. I’m actually trying to get through the season. I now think Lindsay would have been a better choice, and there is no doubt in my mind that the caliber of men on her season would have been > Des’.

  25. karynr

    June 6, 2013 at 5:59 AM

    kasey….your words are so true as far as “getting through” this season. It’ like a bad habit this season. I a very bored, but keep hoping it will get better.

    Randais….I liked Holly a lot too. I think it may come down to a Michelle/Danielle finale, but who knows. This show is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. This is the first season I’ve tried to watch or record every show.

    SYTYCD,,,,is anyone watching? This is a great show too.

  26. ccrider

    June 6, 2013 at 6:19 AM

    iheart & randais…..Mistresses intrigued me as a nice summer escape show….sexy, steamy, soap opera kind of stuff! For me, it got off to kind of a slow start but I guess it was more to introduce the characters and set the backgrounds for each of them. However, the ending of the first episode and the scenes for upcoming episodes has me interested enough to tune in.

  27. theraphosidae

    June 6, 2013 at 7:24 AM

    Okay, correct me if I’m wrong, but Steve, in the episode-by-episode recaps you say it’s BRIAN with the girlfriend, but then in this recap you say it’s BRYDEN? It’s definitely Brian with the girlfriend, he’s the one in the pictures.
    Just wanted clarification!

  28. everglades

    June 6, 2013 at 8:04 AM

    @randais YES! Watch “Under the Dome”. I am a Stephen King fan and have read the book multiple times (just finished again to make sure it’s fresh in my mind). Trust me, that show is going to be INCREDIBLE!

  29. elizabeth82

    June 6, 2013 at 10:06 AM

    @theraphosidae: Steve said they both have gfs. Brian’s is the one who shows up and confronts him. But Steve said Bryden went into the show with a gf.

  30. randais

    June 6, 2013 at 10:11 AM

    Karynr – Anythings possible. While I like the Swon Brothers, I was shocked that they stayed over Holly :\. I, too, LOVE SYTYCD…I’ve been watching for years.

    Ever – well there you go, I didn’t even know there was a book! I think the previews look interesting. Look forward to dishing with you once it starts.

    Eliz – I, too, used to be a die hard Clue fan. I may check that one out as well (Whodunit, I mean).

  31. kaleyt

    June 7, 2013 at 7:57 PM

    The rating really aren’t surprising. Been watching since Jason’s season and I’ve never seen a more boring season than this. There have been times when I wasn’t interesting in the lead, but this one takes the cake. Des is so boring I can’t stand it. And what’s with all these meat-heads they cast this season?! blehck!

  32. motherduck

    June 10, 2013 at 10:38 AM

    Having watched a lot of the Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, I actually liked “Ready for Love” (RFL) on NBC better. Too bad they moved it to the site after only two episodes. The guys were far better candidates, and the MatchMaker’s screenings actually got terrific girls. Fleiss and Co. are still casting bimbos most of the time. Des is a nice gal, but that’s it. Not much passion or sparks. So far, it’s a boring season. The whole format of RFL is better. The only shortcoming is that they need to show more and longer interaction between the guys and the women. Especially the final three. Also since that show wrapped in mid August last summer, the three guys and their F1s had to be in hiding for 10 months. That’s far too long. Tim Lopez and Jenna are still going strong and look like they will be heading for the alter. I was impressed by the show. Too bad NBC pulled the plug. But….a lot of morons live at NBC.

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