Reality Steve

The Bachelorette 9 - Desiree

The Bachelorette Desiree Recap Including Ratings News & More Bad 80’s (and 70’s) Movie Clips

-Once the rap video got released online a couple weeks ago, the actual video making part of last night’s group date became somewhat anti-climactic since we knew what role everyone was playing and that it was a parody of a lot of former contestants. Even though it took me about three viewings before I figured that out. That video was not done to show off Desiree’s dancing or rapping skills, nor was it done to put on any of the guys’ demo reels for future work as Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ opening act. It was what it was. A video spoofing themselves and the show, and for that, I give them credit. Rarely happens on this show, if ever, where they acknowledge how ridiculous they can be. The funny thing is, in a roundabout way, for a show that claims they’re about love, they are essentially saying that even though we believe in this silly fairytale that you can find your significant other on this show, and even though we try and pretend to weed out those who aren’t here for the right reasons with our extensive interview process, sit downs with psychologists, and 1,000 question questionnaires, every season inevitably there are those that just happen to slip by us and make for good drama. Every. Season. Below is the video they made in its final product. Not sure why they didn’t show the whole thing last night:

-I’m still in utter amazement that Soulja Boy agreed to appear on the show last night. Soulja Boy. “The Bachelorette.” Tell me you never thought in a million years you’d ever thought those two would collaborate. Yeah, neither did the rest of the rap community. I’m sure all his entourage is VERRRRRRY impressed with his work last night and isn’t clowning him at all. Does some high up exec at NZK Productions have naked pictures of him or something? For the life of me I can’t imagine why Soulja Boy agreed to that. Sure he got paid, but was it worth losing his dignity and street cred in the process? I mean, we’re talking about the same guy who released one of the more iconic rap songs in the last 5 years with “Crank That,” or better known to rap fans as “Superman that Ho.” If you don’t understand it, google it. I try to keep this column PG-13. “Try” being the key word. Here is the clean version of “Crank That,” where instead of saying “Hoooooooo,” they just say “Ooooooooohhhh.”

-Something cut from the final video was basically Brandon’s whole schtick. Probably for good reason since, well, Brandon can’t remember lines and was half naked. I get that his role was that of Kasey Kahl’s (hell, he even kinda looks like him and has the same over-the-top intensity for Des that Kasey did for Ali), but I don’t remember Kasey walking around the place pantless, do you? No idea where that came from. Brandon is definitely one intense dude that we haven’t seen probably since Kasey. If Brandon lasted more than next week, safe to say he would’ve been a perfect candidate to get a “Desiree” tattoo somewhere on his body. All parts were in the running, including his face. Even the small of his back in hopes that when Des and him are role playing, she’d be able to visually…forget it. Is this guy serious with some of the lines he was dropping last night? Judging by today’s press release for next week’s episode, when Brandon gets the boot next week, there will a flood of man tears all over the mansion. He. Will. Be. Devastated. I hope they hid all sharp objects from him.

-After the video is made, all the guys head into that winery castle for the after party. Des is so excited. “The group date couldn’t have gone any better. These guys are marriage material.” You don’t say? I must’ve missed something, since they all just acted like a bunch of ass clowns dressed in costume for an overproduced, horribly rhymed rap video that makes Biz Markie look like a lyrical genius. Zak is the first guy to get some alone time, and maybe I missed something, but exactly when did we skip ahead about 8 episodes? Since when are guys allowed to start giving the lead gifts in Week 2? That’s a first. Zak somehow went to the $.99 store recently and bought Des an antique journal. He bought a journal for a girl to start writing in just in case he’s the guy she ends up with in the end? Essentially that’s like if I go on a first date with someone, and in the middle of it I tell her, “Look, I don’t know where this is going, but in case we’re still married 20 years from now, we can show this to our kids someday and talk about how daddy creepily gave you a journal on the first date because he wanted you to jot down everything you thought about him at the time.” If she has her own journal, she’ll write about you in it. If not, stop pressing the issue. I thought it was quite presumptuous of him to give her a gift like that. Why not just give her some condoms and say, “You know, just in case it works out between us, I want to be ready.”

-While Zak is trying to score points, Brandon is back with the rest of the boys talking about the group date rose. “If you force something, it’s not gonna work. Love is like a butterfly. You hold it in your hand, you hold it too loose – it’s gonna fly away. You hold it too tight – it’s gonna die. I’m not gonna be that guy to squish it.” Yet, that’s exactly what he ends up doing later on when he got his time with her. Holy crap dude. Let the woman breathe. “I’m not an Ivy league school guy, I don’t own a billion dollar business, didn’t have an amazing family with tons of money…” Very few people in this world own “billion dollar businesses,” so bad example there, Brando. I understand you’re trying to relate to Des’ on the same level, but frankly, you’re coming off as a Stage 5 clinger and you’re coming off as the male version of Gloria Cleary in “Wedding Crashers.” Remember how last week I said I was convinced Drew would jump in front of a bus for Des after seeing him talk about her? Yeah, he’s been replaced by Brandon, who I’m now convinced would do these things for Des: 1) drink a bottle of rat poison 2) cut off his penis and 3) go pant-less in a rap video wearing his tighty whities. Oops. He already did that. Turn it down about 17 levels Brandon. Seriously. You’re scaring the children.

-Our first confrontation of the season happens when Mikey is talking to Desiree, and in walks Ben to get some alone time. This seems to have all the guys’ panties in bunch, even though this happens EVERY SINGLE SEASON without fail. They’re already pissed he got a rose the first night, but now that he wants to talk to her, god forbid anyone ever interrupts someone’s alone time. Do these guys watch the show? For those who 25 seasons in are still unaware, ANYTIME that ANYONE interrupts someone else’s alone time, it’s because they were told to by producers. Nothing is done spur-of-the-moment and without a little coaching. You might say, “Then why doesn’t Desiree just tell the person interrupting to hold on?” Because they don’t want her to. Her job is to just go with it, unless the interruptor is someone that she doesn’t give a sh** about, then they’ll hold them out. Otherwise, this is where the whole “scripted” part of the show comes in. Without a doubt, Ben was told to go interrupt Mikey’s time with her to set up some confrontation. And then once he started jamming his tongue down her throat after that interruption, well, he became public enemy #1 in the house. Brandon saw Ben kissing Des through the window, and needless to say, his heart was shattered into a billion pieces. And I think he wet himself.

-Michael informs Desiree that he truly is here for the right reasons, and if anyone isn’t, he’s gonna step up and say something.” Which is essentially planting the seed for the Michael/Ben head banging we’ll see leading up to their 2-on-1 date. They had a couple foreshadowing moments this episode and that was one of them. I respect the fact that Mikey took Ben outside to tell him, “Dude, bro, kid, not cool. Don’t be interruptin kids like that. Swoopin’ in on Des was BS.” Yeah, Mikey likes calling the other guys in the house “kid.” Usually we just hear guys whining and sniveling behind others backs about it, so at least Mikey told him to his face. However, it was completely done to make sure that everyone watching was made clear that Ben was given a warning by other guys not to do it again, only to have him later, well, do it again. Like I said, a lot of foreshadowing going on here. I think Mikey and Ben even hugged it out afterwards. Or fist pumped. Or shared the same needle. Not sure. Whatever the case, when they left that conversation, they seemed to be on good terms. Until the cocktail party when Ben pisses in their Cheerios again and they fl** their shit over something that’s happened every season since the show’s inception. Go figure.

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  1. vessel

    June 4, 2013 at 12:07 PM

    Ali Fedotowsky is still blogging the show.

  2. addicted2rs

    June 4, 2013 at 1:21 PM

    Fleiss and company are casting men that aren’t desirable. No one wants to end up with a d-bag, so why would women want to watch a show where the majority of the guys are women’s worst fear of ending up with?

  3. bigfatwoman

    June 4, 2013 at 2:11 PM

    My thoughts on last night:

    Des is a nice, sweet, simple girl without a ton of personality.

    Brooks. See above only substitute boy for girl.

    James is kinda handsome in a thick neck football player kinda way.

    The Ben thing is overdone and dumb dumb dumb

    RS, I hate when you insert videos into your blog for filler or comic relief. One is enough.

    Otherwise, let the boring season continue!

  4. rob22

    June 4, 2013 at 2:45 PM

    Mikey = Ronnie from Jersey Shore

  5. rob22

    June 4, 2013 at 2:48 PM

    Am I wrong, or did Desiree keep saying “Soldier” boy instead of Soulja Boy? After the diverse Bachelor Sean season, this has to be the whitest cast in history. Even the black dude couldn’t dance & was almost whiter than the white guys. The raps were just embarassing…. ya know, some white people can dance and rap….. just not any of the people on this show.

  6. iheartvino

    June 4, 2013 at 3:23 PM

    Hasn’t the Bachelorette always competed with The Voice on Mondays? I didn’t think that was anything new this year.

  7. iheartvino

    June 4, 2013 at 3:24 PM

    I mean for as long as The Voice has been around, anyway.

  8. bzliteyear

    June 4, 2013 at 6:06 PM

    i don’t get it!
    desiree goes from clean cut sean to a feminine loser with bad haircut, oily hair that hasn’t been washed in a week, and looks like he showers once per week(if that)?

  9. kjopo84

    June 4, 2013 at 8:38 PM

    I don’t think Brooks’ hair is greasy, I think he just uses product in it. It’s no worse than Drew and James’ wet helmet look. I think Brooks is cute, I wouldn’t mind a haircut, some of his google pics where his hair is a bit shorter definitely ups his hotness factor, but those DIMPLES. Dimples and twinkly eyes are my kryptonite. I think most of the guys seem nice but just sort of dull.

    Zak W. may have given a cheesy gift, but he definitely stepped up his game a bit and showed more of himself. I can’t wait to see Chris more, because I loved his shoe-tying bit when he met Des. Also looking forward to more of Drew, even though he looks like a little boy version of Jake Pavelka; hes still cute and giddy.

    I don’t think Ben is horrible for interrupting Des’ time with Michael, but he does come across as a bit douchey to me. Just kind of arrogant and annoying.
    Other thoughts: I know Brian will be the one with the gf showing up, but is anything revealed about Brydens situation during the course of the show I wonder? We may have to wait til MTL or ATFR.

    I see Brandon and hear the psycho theme in my head. He’s the neediest guy ever.

    Finally, I wonder if we will ever hear Brad or No-Neck Zach speak.

  10. kasey31

    June 4, 2013 at 11:48 PM

    Iheart- Yes, for as long as I can remember it has! Last year I believe the premiere of the Voice aired right after Superbowl, and the Bachelorette aired in the beginning of March..

  11. karynr

    June 5, 2013 at 2:17 AM

    First…..The Voice….only because this show is so much more entertaining than the Bach. This season is really boring. TEAM MICHELLE.

    Random thoughts
    I find Brooks quite unattractive. The teeth and hair are really unappealing. He does seem to be a sweet guy.

    If that first scene was a preview of Chris’s clothing line, I’m not impressed. It looked like he forgot to take off his pajama top before leaving for work.

    Bryden….If he was buried in the sand up to his neck, someone could have worked on that awful do. The shape of his head reminds me of Charlie Brown.

    Dez and Brooks dancing was so awkward. I have two left feet, so I probably shouldn’t talk.

    Mikey…..I know a Howie, and the older I get, the harder it is to call a grown man Howie. It reminds me of my neighbors growing up, Arfie and Philsi…..yuck.

    I don’t know how I feel about Ben yet. The show is so contrived, it’s hard to tell this early. My gut says he’s a major player and possibly a dbag to women.

    Good recap, RS!

  12. lisa e

    June 5, 2013 at 7:29 AM

    Oh ABC! It’s THE GUYS! That’s the reason for the low ratings. Des is a gorgeous, modest sweetheart. Emily was a pain in the butt. She was high-maintenance, and proud of it!

    These guys are easily the worst batch I have seen yet! So many of the other castings were rich with All-American boys we would be proud to bring home to our parents. This one is just a bunch of cast-offs that you hope will produce drama. That’s not what we want for The Bachelorette!!
    We want romance, sweetness and light! This is our turn for the FANTASY, the Cinderella story. We are not interested in Little Boy Drama. That’s our nightmare…

  13. lilybug13

    June 5, 2013 at 8:19 AM

    Brooks looks like a young Billy Drago (The Untouchables, Children of the Corn) :

  14. ccrider

    June 5, 2013 at 8:42 AM

    Did anyone happen to watch the new show Mistresses?

  15. vessel

    June 5, 2013 at 8:58 AM

    @lilybug13, I just googled “Billy Drago” and wow, you are so right!

  16. kjopo84

    June 5, 2013 at 11:44 AM

    Holy cats lilybug, he totally DOES look like Billy Drago!

  17. iheartvino

    June 5, 2013 at 1:52 PM

    I do see some resemblance to Billy Drago, but I think Brooks looks a lot more like the guy from Joe Millionaire, Evan Marriott. (But Evan is slightly better looking in my opinion) Anyone remember that train wreck of a show?

    ccrider- nope, didn’t watch Mistresses. If you watched, how was it? It looked God awful from the previews so I stayed away.

  18. crushonspivey

    June 5, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    Des got the biggest contingent of meatheads I have ever seen on this franchise. They are dull. Unless your idea of fun is to watch dudes pick things up and put them down, while chugging protein shake while slamming their supplements.

    The casting director choked.

  19. randais

    June 5, 2013 at 4:50 PM

    cc- I’m with Iheart, “Mistresses” held no appeal for me at all.

    I am going to try “Under the Dome”, I love anything scifi (ish).

    The Voice – I’m not so much a Michelle fan but I LOVED Holly…so sad to see her go. 🙁

  20. randais

    June 5, 2013 at 4:50 PM

    Oh yeah, oops, SPOILER ALERT….my bad.

  21. elizabeth82

    June 5, 2013 at 4:54 PM

    Brooks seems nice–and I do like longer hair when it’s not greasy from product in it–but his voice is so girly. He’s also kind of effeminate in his mannerisms/gestures. I also didn’t like the chunky ring he had on (was that a class ring? Either way not a good look). I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s gay, maybe bi? But he’s just not doing it for me in the manly department. My fav guy is Michael (manly, good job, cute but still kind of an interesting face), though I wish he’d steer clear of the Ben drama. I also am looking forward to seeing more of Chris because he seems actually normal and like he has a good sense of humor from his intro to Des. So many of these guys need to go, pronto: Brandon (too many issues), Ben (arrogant and manipulative, politican vibe), Mikey and James (meatheads), Drew (gay), Brian, Brad.

    Do you guys think Des having to ask Bryden to kiss her means she’s more into him than he is into her? I’m thinking about the spoiler that he leaves on his own and if he already knows he’s not interested or what. Curious to see that play out.

    Anyone interested in that upcoming show “Whodunnit?” I might check it out (Clue’s my fav board game after all, ha).

  22. jillbeau

    June 5, 2013 at 6:53 PM

    Hey everyone…it’s been awhile. This season has been pretty underwhelming so far (the whole 2 episodes it’s been on). I found myself fast-forwarding through the majority of Monday’s episode.

    As a side note…I’m convinced that Mikey and James are the same person.

  23. jenhering

    June 5, 2013 at 7:46 PM

    Thanks Steve for these recap posts. You make me smile!

  24. kasey31

    June 5, 2013 at 10:17 PM

    Elizabeth, normally I would say no about Des having to ask for the kiss first (I think Emily asked Jef for a kiss first), but in this case, I’m going to assume yes. Mainly because it sounds like the men weren’t too impressed this season with Des- I guess it was a two-way street. I’m kind of wondering if some men dropped out when they found out that Des was the Bachelorette? Not sure why, but I just have a hard time believing they wouldn’t have a better group of guys for her. Maybe the guys that made it were the ones that production thought she would weed out?

    Hi, Jill! You made me laugh out loud with your assessment that Mikey and James are one and the same.

    Thanks for the recap, Steve. It doesn’t surprise me at all that this is an all-time low for the Bachelor franchise. I’m actually trying to get through the season. I now think Lindsay would have been a better choice, and there is no doubt in my mind that the caliber of men on her season would have been > Des’.

  25. karynr

    June 6, 2013 at 5:59 AM

    kasey….your words are so true as far as “getting through” this season. It’ like a bad habit this season. I a very bored, but keep hoping it will get better.

    Randais….I liked Holly a lot too. I think it may come down to a Michelle/Danielle finale, but who knows. This show is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. This is the first season I’ve tried to watch or record every show.

    SYTYCD,,,,is anyone watching? This is a great show too.

  26. ccrider

    June 6, 2013 at 6:19 AM

    iheart & randais…..Mistresses intrigued me as a nice summer escape show….sexy, steamy, soap opera kind of stuff! For me, it got off to kind of a slow start but I guess it was more to introduce the characters and set the backgrounds for each of them. However, the ending of the first episode and the scenes for upcoming episodes has me interested enough to tune in.

  27. theraphosidae

    June 6, 2013 at 7:24 AM

    Okay, correct me if I’m wrong, but Steve, in the episode-by-episode recaps you say it’s BRIAN with the girlfriend, but then in this recap you say it’s BRYDEN? It’s definitely Brian with the girlfriend, he’s the one in the pictures.
    Just wanted clarification!

  28. everglades

    June 6, 2013 at 8:04 AM

    @randais YES! Watch “Under the Dome”. I am a Stephen King fan and have read the book multiple times (just finished again to make sure it’s fresh in my mind). Trust me, that show is going to be INCREDIBLE!

  29. elizabeth82

    June 6, 2013 at 10:06 AM

    @theraphosidae: Steve said they both have gfs. Brian’s is the one who shows up and confronts him. But Steve said Bryden went into the show with a gf.

  30. randais

    June 6, 2013 at 10:11 AM

    Karynr – Anythings possible. While I like the Swon Brothers, I was shocked that they stayed over Holly :\. I, too, LOVE SYTYCD…I’ve been watching for years.

    Ever – well there you go, I didn’t even know there was a book! I think the previews look interesting. Look forward to dishing with you once it starts.

    Eliz – I, too, used to be a die hard Clue fan. I may check that one out as well (Whodunit, I mean).

  31. kaleyt

    June 7, 2013 at 7:57 PM

    The rating really aren’t surprising. Been watching since Jason’s season and I’ve never seen a more boring season than this. There have been times when I wasn’t interesting in the lead, but this one takes the cake. Des is so boring I can’t stand it. And what’s with all these meat-heads they cast this season?! blehck!

  32. motherduck

    June 10, 2013 at 10:38 AM

    Having watched a lot of the Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, I actually liked “Ready for Love” (RFL) on NBC better. Too bad they moved it to the site after only two episodes. The guys were far better candidates, and the MatchMaker’s screenings actually got terrific girls. Fleiss and Co. are still casting bimbos most of the time. Des is a nice gal, but that’s it. Not much passion or sparks. So far, it’s a boring season. The whole format of RFL is better. The only shortcoming is that they need to show more and longer interaction between the guys and the women. Especially the final three. Also since that show wrapped in mid August last summer, the three guys and their F1s had to be in hiding for 10 months. That’s far too long. Tim Lopez and Jenna are still going strong and look like they will be heading for the alter. I was impressed by the show. Too bad NBC pulled the plug. But….a lot of morons live at NBC.

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