Dr. Reality Steve
I love your blog about the Bachelor and Bachelorette reality shows. When I watch those shows I often laugh shaking my head at the number of people betting they can find long lasting love quickly.
I find that humorous because of my own brush with love at first site which turned out to be a 20 year roller coaster. I will offer you the very abbreviated version and relish the thought of reading your comments. I noted that people write to you about personal relationships besides questions regarding your blogs. I will ask my question of you if you can bare with the story…please and thank you.
Me: It’s Halloween, the day before my sweet 16th birthday (I am in the 11th grade living in Oregon though my family is in Reno at the time the following events take place).
Him: Working at Circus Circus in Reno dressed as a Tourist, camera and all, operating a game upstairs. (My parents were gambling downstairs and yes they often left me alone for hours each year we visited relatives in Reno since I was 12 or so).
Both: I caught him watching me with his piercing brown eyes. He was older and mysterious. He let me play the game for free and gazed into my eyes every chance he had. Each time he spoke, well, his great DJ voice made me feel giddy. He was a sophomore in college then working several jobs to support himself. He asked for my local number and I gave it to him. He asked my parents for permission to take me out the next day, though it was my birthday. (Never rmind the fact that my parents who were normally very strict, let me go out with him.) We went to the college and spent the day together where he took a few pictures of me (nice ones) I still have one, and we watched a movie on campus, the Blues Brothers. Then he took me home and had been a perfect gentleman (of course I realized many years later that is was likely because I was jail bait). I celebrated my birthday with family that evening. Then I was allowed to go out with him one more time before going back to Oregon. He took me to the roller skating rink where he also worked, as a DJ, and dedicated songs to me. Since I was leaving the next day, his last song for me was “Have you seen Her by the Chi-Lites). We exchanged addresses and vowed to write which, we did through my 11th and 12th grade. Once in awhile we spoke on the phone. I told him my senior prom was coming up but I wasn’t going. He said he would take me. He flew to Oregon for the weekend. I am only 17 and so he was a perfect gentleman. My family offered to have him stay at my Aunt’s house next door. We drove around the countryside, to a nearby lake, walked on the catwalk, playing “trust” games by each of us taking a turn closing our eyes and being guided over the catwalk. Later, we had a romantic riverside 3 course French dinner where he gave me a ring but I said I wouldn’t accept a promise ring as that felt so serious, so he called it a friendship ring and I accepted it. Then we went to see the end of the prom. He had to leave the next day so we called it a night and I got my one and only peck on the lips kiss. We continued to write but I started feeling sad and so my mother, unbeknownst to me until her near death bed confession 10 years later, had started ripping up and throwing away his letters. He assumed I moved on a got a girl friend and a year later I had a boyfriend in my first year of community college.
Me: I decide to join the USAF after I break up with my boyfriend of 4 years. Before leaving for basic training, I decided to look Him from Reno up. I no longer had his phone number, he wasn’t listed in directory assistance, so I called his old job at the roller skating rink. The current owner gave me the previous owners name and number. I called her and she said well, he obviously doesn’t work for me anymore but we go to the same dentist and here is the number of the dentist. I called and explained that I was trying to reach an old friend and gave her his name. She literally gasped and said You aren’t going to believe this but I just got off the phone with him regarding scheduling an appointment so I know he is home. Give me your number and I will call him with it. Within a couple minutes he was on the phone with me. I told him I broke up with my boyfriend and wanted to talk to you and he said he had just broken up with someone too so he said it was fate, that we were meant to be together! I said I was going to leave soon for the USAF. He demanded that I not go but it was too late, I was just waiting to leave for basic training. I explained it wasn’t the end of the world and I was in tears as he kept telling me it was fate, that I couldn’t nor shouldn’t leave. We didn’t speak again until….
Me: Months later I am in the service and scared to death of being alone so I decide to marry the first guy that proposes even though I wanted it to me Him from Reno. In fact, I tried to call him hoping he would talk me out of it. He wouldn’t come to the phone so I told his roommate that I was getting married and left my number. I think of him so often while I am in a loveless extremely abusive marriage and I even tried to reach him again through the former roller skating rink owner but she yelled at me to leave him alone asking if I hadn’t cause enough damage and told me to never call again. My thoughts were, Oh my Lord, what had I done?! I worried about him for years, through the end of one marriage then through the end of a second. NOW here is where it get’s interesting again (if you think it ever was)…Literally, Monday, after my second husband moved out of our house that weekend, I received an email from HIM. I became giddy thinking yea it really is fate, we really are meant to be!!! He and I argued, laughed, shared, and just chatted about our daily lives almost every day for a couple months. THEN I got the idea that in August of 2000, I would fly to Reno to see him face to face. I was feeling really good about myself, looked pretty good then and took the leap of faith….flew there, rented a mustang convertible, and called him from my hotel…..
Him: Didn’t you realize by my silence after you told me you were coming that I didn’t want you to come. I don’t know if my life would be made better by seeing you after all of these years. I will not see you.
Me: I was so sure that looking into each others eyes face to face was all we needed to start something real or gain some closure. So, since that wasn’t going to happen, I got drunk at the hotel bar, ordered room service then the day before I was going home, I drove to Virginia City, shopped til I had no more checks and used my Visa the day of my flight to write him a note, spray a tad of perfume on it, kiss it so lipstick showed on the flap and paid a personal courier to hand deliver it to him at work. I don’t recall what I said sadly. Months later we were exchanging emails as friends, sort of, and that lasted for years.
Him: Hey we should get together sometime. Maybe meet half way. Can you get away?
Me: Um as exciting as that sounds. you know I am still in a relationship and I am not a good liar so I don’t see how I could work it out. Another year or so goes by and I am finally single again.
Him: So you wanted to know what is going on with me? Well, rant rant rant, hey can you get away to come see me? My job is changing so that I am going to be crazy busy (He works and has worked for Fox11 News in Reno pretty much since he graduated from college). He said there would be no pressure and I could have my own room in his home so I wouldn’t have to pay for lodging or food.
Me: I don’t know if I can come up with the money for a plane ticket to come to visit that quickly….
Him: Silent treatment then his new position started and he was too busy to really chat when I tried.
Me: I wrote him an emotional email but it was received though not well. We barely exchange messages at all. I “unfriended” him on Facebook last year when he forgot my birthday and he didn’t care or didn’t notice until he received an email greeting card for his birthday this year. Then, he asked to be added as a friend again.
So Reality Steve, what do you think? Believe it or not this is the very short version. There were many things said in our chats that indicated caring at the least that I left out. I mean were we two ships…blah blah blah? Did he blow it? Did I blow it? I tend to think we both screwed it up and it is too late now. Some of our timing was so uncanny that it really seemed like fate. Though my feelings towards him have waned, I have never been able to get over the “look into my eyes” effect leading to something or ending it completely. On an lighter note, I have thought seriously about turning this story into a screen play someday even if it never makes it to the screen….Thanks for your time and please excuse grammatical errors….
Comment: Uhhhhhh, I have no idea what to say to a story like that. It almost sounds made up. If it’s not, then you need to let go. Doesn’t seem like there’s anything there. And if you’re hanging on to the way he looked into your eyes over 20 years ago, I think you definitely need to let that one go as well. “The Notebook” this isn’t.
When you mentioned that you knew a couple that pretended not to be living together but actually did; are you by any chance talking about Donna Martin and David Silver? I think we all saw that situation doesn’t work, especially once crazy Mrs. Martin finds out and David starts abusing drugs. Plus, according to the new 90210 they aren’t still married. If the girl that asked you for advice does decide to do that then she should make sure that her best friend/ boyfriends step sister doesn’t also move in. That just gets awkward when she gets stuck in the middle!!
Comment: Anytime someone can turn around a “Dr. Reality Steve” email into a Donna/David co-habiting discussion, I’m all for it. But no, that wasn’t who I was referring to.
For the sake of argument though, lets be realistic and understand that David and Donna’s marriage couldn’t possibly have lasted. Not with that bitch Elise Martin around. She never liked David. Or Ray Pruit. Or DeShawn Hardell. Lets just say Elise was a snobby, racist bitch. But beyond that, we realize that Donna only slept with one other guy in her “life” before marrying David, and that was Noah. Like 18 seconds after her and David broke up. So yeah, I’m guessing Donna probably slutted it up once her and David got divorced to make up for lost time. Remember, she was about to sleep with Ray in Palm Springs before he decided to throw her down a flight of stairs.
You know, I talk a lot about how fans of the “Bachelor/ette” blow me away with how serious they take the show, and if you say one bad thing about someone they like, you’re like the worst human on the planet. Or the nutjobs who say, “I can’t believe Emily picked Jef. She’s meant to be with (fill in name here). The way they looked at each other in the third episode was what true love was all about.” You get my point. But what’s funny is, the Donna Martin crazies kinda started this all. Back when the Palm Springs episode aired, remember Jamie Walters (Ray) had just started his music career. You listen to any interview he did after “90210” and he basically said the character on the show ruined his career, because people couldn’t separate what he did to Donna on the show from his music career. Hence the reason when they brought him back, they had him make amends with Donna and had him with a new girlfriend. That is so awesome and so ridiculous all at the same time. The fact that people were openly mad at Jamie Walters in person because of his character pushing Donna down the stairs pretty much confirms this country is headed to hell in a handbasket. The fact we had people in the 90’s walking around who thought that way, and now they’re grown adults and probably the same people who are fanatics about this show is scary. These people need to be locked up and the key thrown away.
Dear Dr. Steve,
I have a bit of an odd relationship situation and am a pretty loyal follower of yours, so I thought I’d get your input. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and are starting to talk seriously about marriage. He is honestly a perfect boyfriend (far from a perfect person, but an incredible boyfriend), treats me unbelievably well and has told me that he has no doubts I’m “The One”. I’ve moved states for him and he’s given up his dream job because it wasn’t near me, so we’re very committed. We’re in our mid-twenties, are both pretty stable career-wise, have met each other’s families/friends, have the exact same values/priorities and are in a constant state of bliss. A. CONSTANT. state. of. bliss… meaning we’ve never had a single fight.
We talk about how well we get along and I’ve expressed concern to him that we have no idea if we can get past a rocky relationship patch. He just smiles and says that he’s just very easy-going (it’s true) – he’s been in one other serious relationship of a year and a half and apparently they never fought either. So to him, this is all fine, we’re just really compatible and he’s already looking at rings. I on the other hand, am not totally at ease about it. I’ve also had one other serious relationship and we fought daily. Obviously that wasn’t healthy, but in general I’ve always thought a couple needs to make sure they know how to fight before they know they’ll last. That being said, it seems silly to wait for engagement until we have a fight. In every way we are more than ready to get married in the next 1.5-2 years, yet we show no signs of fighting in the near future. And we’ve discussed every possible disagreement topic I can think of (kids/finances/parents/religion/politics/careers), have created plans for each of those topics, and I think by this point we’re beyond the honeymoon-phase.
What do you think? Am I being paranoid and creating an issue where there is none? Or should I wait to see if we can survive a rough patch before tying the knot?
Comment: Wow. I understand why you’d like to see how you survive a fight, but let it come naturally. How are you going to manufacture one? Seems even if you do, you still won’t really know. If it happens, it’ll happen. I don’t know why you’re so on edge about having that first fight. Shouldn’t this be a good thing?
I mean, there’s a difference between fighting and having a disagreement. Are you saying you guys haven’t even disagreed on anything? That I’d find totally bizarre as opposed to not fighting. If he’s not a confrontational person, then you probably won’t fight. If he’s very easy-going, then it seems like when you do have your first fight, it probably won’t last long, nor will it be very earth shattering. I think you’re expecting the worst when you really shouldn’t. Just enjoy what you have and stop hoping for a fight that may or may not come.
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