-Since Desiree probably already knew which two guys she was sending home, she decides to cancel the cocktail party so they can all frolic in a backyard pool party that was about as homoerotic as you could get. So let me get this straight (probably something all the guys were saying to each other that day as well), Chris tells the 16 remaining guys Des is coming over for a pool party, they’re all waiting in the backyard for her, Ben is hanging out by the door to try and grab her before she pulls up, and NONE of the other 15 guys notice that he’s not in the backyard with them? No one got suspicious? Not the sharpest crayons in the box I tell ya’. So Ben sneaks out and greets her in the driveway, takes off with her for 15 minutes, and it just so happens when he returns, the M&M boys (Michael & Mikey) are hanging out through the back gate and see Ben make out with her before he leaves the car. As you can imagine, these two went into a roid rage and immediately are on a warpath for Ben Scott’s cranium. If these two guys cared any more about Ben and what he did, I’d begin to think they had some sort of bet going on to make sure he didn’t last long. I’ve never seen two guys more obsessed with one person in all my years watching this show. It’s frightening. I hope Ben was sleeping with one eye open every night.
-Why they decided to cram all 16 guys into a hot tub with Des is beyond me. I mean, we’re talking the same tub that a drunken Ed Swiderski swam around naked in. Can’t remember if he banged Sarah in that tub or Jaclyn. Or both. Whatever the case, I’m sure that’s not the only freaky sh** that’s ever gone on in that tub either. Chris, Ben, and Mikey are sitting around and Chris asks Ben if he’s talked to Desiree yet. Ben says no. This makes steam come out of Mikey’s ears. Mikey no like Ben. Mikey very angry at Ben. Mikey want to hurt Ben. All the sudden, Mikey starts turning green and growling like a mad man. Or not. Nonetheless, knowing that he already spied on Ben kissing Desiree, then to hear Ben say he still needs to talk to her, Mikey grabs his partner in crime Medusa, and the two of them confront Ben for what seems like the 37th time in 3 episodes. Are these guys ever going to stop? Michael flat out tells Ben, “I’m never going to like you.” Well isn’t that a shame. And a lot of the audience probably is never going to like you, so I guess we can call it even now. Ben dismisses being double teamed by the M&M boys with, “It’s called the ‘Bachelorette’ for a reason. It’s not called ‘Lets Make Friends.'” Exactly. Because any show called “Lets Make Friends” might be the worst idea ever.
-Brandon’s turn to make a complete ass of himself. He gets Desiree alone and basically tells her he’s in love with her. I sh** you not. Filming started on March 14th. The day he told her this was March 23rd. Brandon has never had a 1-on-1 date with Desiree, yet, Brandon is in love. Brandon is also certifiably bat sh** crazy. You could tell during this whole conversation, considering Des already knew Brandon was going home, the last thing she wanted was to be cornered by this creeper telling her he loved her. I half expected him to ask Des if they could get matching tattoos. And to top it all off, he cannot leave the conversation without trying to kiss her, which made for one of the more awkward moments in show’s history. You know, that moment when you go to kiss a girl that has zero interest in you? Yeah, that kind of awkward moment. Oh she turned her head alright, but that still didn’t stop him, so she gave in and kissed him on the lips out of sheer pity. So if you’re scoring at home, in this episode Desiree kisses Brooks, Chris, Kasey, JP, Bryden, James, Ben and sort of Brandon. So of the 16 guys left, she kissed 7 ½ of them over a 3 day period. And those are just the ones they showed us. That number could be higher which makes her the official kissing female bandit. I don’t ever remember a former “Bachelorette” kissing that many guys in one episode. Hope she brought her Valtrex.
-Rose ceremony time. Chris, Kasey, and James already with roses. Des: “This week hasn’t been easy…such a great time…you guys are so awesome…I trust each and every one of you left…but can you hang on a second, I’ve got a cold sore the size of Montana inside my lip that I need serviced right now. Be right back.”
Bryden: Apparently he joins the “Me no like Ben” brigade next week.
JP: Maybe he passed on the herp to Des? How do you say “herpes” in Venezuelan?
Zak W: He’s herp free this week because his kiss attempt failed miserably. It’s ok. I’m sure he went back to the room and made out with himself.
Brooks: He might be the first human to ever die from a broken finger. Keep an eye out for that.
Drew: He really takes dodgeball seriously. Red flag.
Zack K.: I had no idea he was still on the show if he hadn’t won dodgeball for the blue team. And that got him nowhere.
Brad: I’d love to hear more drunken Brittnee stories. She sounds like quite a catch.
Michael: I think Michael is going to be more upset when Mikey gets eliminated than when he actually does.
Mikey: Read above but reverse the order.
“Desiree, gentleman, it’s the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. I’m totally at a loss how this show continually lets people slip through the cracks in casting that have a significant other back home. No clue how that happens. Every. Single. Season. I’ll get right on that.”
Ben: He should just carry around a punching bag with him at all times and each time the M&M boys feel the need to vent, then can just haul off on that thing.
We had to say goodbye to Dan this episode. Then again, I don’t know if we ever said hello to him.
As you can imagine, Brandon was a wreck leaving the house. “I’m blown away…did not expect that…Ben is the biggest liar…can’t believe that…what a mistake…what a giant mistake.” Then Desiree runs outside to explain to Brandon why she let him go. “You have to have that chemistry…it’s something you can’t explain.” To which Brandon turned into his daddy issues…again. “Someone left me again…way to go Brandon…I can’t even cry anymore…I’m out of tears (as his eyes well up with tears).” Brandon, go read “She’s Just Not That Into You.” Then maybe you’ll understand a bit better. Until then, why don’t you take a break from dating for say a few…years.
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