Reality Steve

Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve,” & The Most Negative Batch of “Reader Emails” Regarding a Season That I Can Remember

Dr. Reality Steve

Hi Dr. RS,

I don’t normally seek out a lot of advice when it comes to dating, but I feel I just need an unbiased man’s opinion on this. I’m 27 and started dating someone new. He’s 29 and currently studying for the bar exam – it’s essentially his full-time job this summer. We’ve only gone out a few times, but it seems to be going really well and I like him a lot. My only hang up is that each time we’ve gone out, I’ve paid my portion. I am pretty traditional when it comes to dating and I think in the beginning, when a guy asks you out, he should pay. Once you get into a relationship, I think it’s only fair that both people contribute and I have no problem doing that. But in the beginning, it just doesn’t feel like I’m being taken out on a date when I’m paying for myself. (To clarify, on the first date I paid for the tip because his portion of the bill was higher, but since then we’ve split it equally.)

I know he’s not able to work right now so his income is basically non-existent and I appreciate that he’s making time to spend with me during this busy time. I haven’t said anything to him about how I feel because I don’t want to insult him and come across as some greedy b. But I’m just disappointed that he hasn’t actually taken me out to dinner. It’s not something I’m used to.

So. I’m curious what your thoughts on this are. Is this something I should just get over? Is it a sign that he’s not traditional or just not very gentlemanly? How big of a deal is paying for a girl the first few dates?

Thanks in advance,
Cheap Date

Comment: I’m amazed by how many emails I’ve received like this. It baffles me that not every guy out there is paying for every date. I do. And I know plenty of others that do too. I don’t get it. You ask a girl out, you pay. It’s pretty simple. If you’re having financial trouble, then don’t ask her out. It sounds like he is, so, this sounds like something that if you are going to continue with him, you’re probably gonna have to get used to.

Then again, I pay for everything all the time and it’s gotten me nowhere, sometimes not even a “thank you” or a fake grab to the purse to at least pretend she’s interested in paying, so maybe I should start acting like an ass and going dutch on every date.

There could be a number of reasons why he’s not choosing to pay. Has he said anything about it, or is it like the white elephant in the room? I mean, when the bill comes, he just asks you for your money? Or just assumed you’re paying? Wow. That makes me cringe just writing it. That sucks.
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Hi Steve! I’m a long time reader of your column and look forward to it every week. I don’t so much have a question, but would like your opinion on my relationship. I’m a 40 year old woman who is in a year long relationship with a 31 year old guy. That being said, I was just wondering if you have any thoughts on older girl/younger guy relationships. I was married 10 years ago, that marriage lasted less than one year but produced a beautiful little boy. I had a really tough few years in between these two relationships and actually this is the first serious relationship I’ve been in since my divorce. My guy now treats me well, is kind to my son and overall we are happy. I guess what I’m kinda looking for is your opinion as to if you think this could work. Initially, I never wanted to get remarried but as this relationship progresses I find that my mind is changing. He also says that he would like to get married. More children is out of the question (not medically, but i’m just done with that!). I don’t know – do you think eventually he will want a younger girl? He’s extremely good looking so sometimes I just don’t even understand why he’s with me. I guess I am just looking for an honest opinion. I hope you are well and keep up the good work! 🙂

P.S. – Oh yeah – one last thing – he doesn’t have any children and says he doesn’t want any – I think he may change his mind.

Comment: Seems like you’re dooming the relationship before it even starts. I know the feeling. Obviously there’s plenty about your relationship I don’t know about, but why don’t you think you’re able to pull a guy 9 years younger who’s extremely good looking? Don’t sell yourself short. You’ve been with the guy a year, so it’s not like this is brand new or something. I could see you having those doubts if it was early on, but he’s lasted a year, so I’m not sure where your insecurities are coming from. Seems like you’re on the path with him as far as marriage and kids, so what’s the hang up? And what makes you think he may change his mind about kids?

Either there’s more to the story than you’re not telling me, or, you’re just paranoid some guy is gonna leave you because I don’t see where this is coming from. You’re a year in. Sounds like it’s going well. I think you’re just being paranoid that he’s younger and good looking. Who knows? Maybe he will leave you for a younger woman. You don’t know that. I don’t know that. Any guy could leave any girl for any BS reason whatsoever in a relationship, and vice versa. So sitting around waiting for it to happen isn’t helping you much. I speak from experience, even though it seems to happen to me every time as well.
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Dr. Reality Steve,

Hey Steve! Okay I’ve got an issue, and I would love some outside insight. I have been dating “Andy” for quite some time, and we’ve started talking about marriage pretty often lately. I am so happy with him, and I think we could have a great life together. The problem is my best friend.

“Jessica” and I have been best friends since high school. We have all the same friends, and we spend quite a substantial amount of time together. She is happily in a relationship that is also at the point of talking about marriage. Unfortunately she has made it pretty clear that she doesn’t think Andy is right for me. She goes on and on about how we have different personalities. He has a very dry sense of humor, and is very sarcastic (I feel like you can relate), while I am very reserved and sweet. Jessica and her boyfriend are very similar to each other. They have the same sense of humor, they’re both very goofy, etc. I think that is great and I have always supported their relationship, but I can’t seem to get it through her head that it doesn’t HAVE to be that way. I have seen so many successful marriages between people that have different personalities and interests.

I should add that my family loves Andy. He has good morals, a great career, and just a good head on his shoulders. I am the youngest in my family, so we’ve spent a lot of time with my siblings’ and their spouses and kids. He gets along with all of them so well. So there are no red flags or any major reason why he shouldn’t be right for me.

I am just really not sure what to do now. I have tried talking to her, and she ends up saying she agrees. Now she just acts like there is nothing wrong and she’s “so happy for us.” But I am constantly hearing about what she said to another friend when I wasn’t around, and anytime I try to get us all to hang out together, she has some reason that she can’t make it. I would think there was some jealousy issues behind it, but she has her “perfect man.” It is just so frustrating that she can’t even give Andy a chance. I shouldn’t have to choose between my best friend and the man I love. I can’t have a maid of honor in my wedding that hates the man I’m marrying. Any thoughts Steve?

Comment: Yeah, without knowing anything about Jessica, it’s hard to see where she’s coming from in this one. My first answer would’ve been she’s jealous of you, but that was shot down when you said she’s in a relationship of her own and talking about marriage. Although, there could still be jealousy there. Maybe her relationship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and she’s hiding stuff from you, and she actually sees YOUR relationship as better than hers, so she’s trying to bring you down. Is she the competitive type? When you guys were talking about your respective relationships, whose potential marriage got brought up first, yours or hers? Maybe she wants to beat you down the aisle? Maybe she really isn’t close to getting married, but just saying she is to make you think she’s got a great relationship?

If she’s your best friend, and she’s the only one in your inner circle that doesn’t like your boyfriend, there’s got to be a reason other than “your personalities are different.” Your family likes him, you like him, your nieces and nephews like him, but your best friend doesn’t. There’s something she’s not telling you because that reason doesn’t make much sense. Does she really hate him, or she just doesn’t care for him? Has he ever talked to her about it? Is he aware your best friend doesn’t like him? I get that maybe she’s concerned for a friend who’s with a guy that maybe she doesn’t feel is right for her, but she needs to get over it if you’re happy. If she can’t, then you tell her that her attitude is making it more and more difficult to hang out with her. If she can’t deal with that, then you probably need to take a break from each other. If she hasn’t come around by wedding time, then I don’t think she’s much of a friend.
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Dr. Reality Steve,

So, I met this guy at my cousin’s wedding in December (he was the Best Man). We instantly connected and became friends real fast. He was so easy to talk to and seemed to have all the qualities I ever wanted in a guy. We work and live in different cities so most of our friendship was developed on long telephone conversation calls (some times as long at 4-5hours daily). In the first couple of months, he would call me really early in the morning, during the day and late at night. I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me exactly but I was always there to pick his calls and respond to his text messages. He would tell me personal and intimate things about his work, friends, relationships and family but he never said anything about having a girlfriend. He would flirt and call me all sorts of pet names. I traveled to his town on a business trip a couple of times; we met up at his apartment both times, just had lunch, watched TV and nothing else.

After a couple of months, the calls became less frequent sometimes once in three days. I was initially unsure why but assumed he was just going through a hard time at work. At this point I had gotten so used to his calls and messages that I felt like I was missing something. Sometime recently (known him now for a total of 6 months), I was tired of the mixed signals and wanted to know if he liked me or not so I could move on. I wrote him a note (emailed it to him) highlighting our journey up till that point and told him he occupied too much of my thoughts which came up at random, uncontrollable times and I had no idea what to do with them.

He responded by saying, he was sorry and that all he wanted was friendship and nothing more. I was shocked because I was absolutely certain he liked me more than a friend. I couldn’t believe he had spent that much time and told me all those things if all he wanted was a friendship. I am absolutely certain there is no way he could afford to give that amount of time to all his female friends. Anyway, I kept my cool (even though I was hurting inside) and told him it was alright. He still calls me late at night and sends text messages during the day. I really don’t know what to do but I know I have to move on because he seems confused right now. I need help deciding whether to hold on or stop picking his calls?

Comment: And he hasn’t mentioned anything about dating anyone in the last 6 months? There’s gotta be another woman in the picture. No one would spend that much time talking to another woman about the stuff he talked to you about if he wasn’t interested in something more. You just don’t do it. Guys aren’t wired that way. Unless he’s gay and wants a female friend, then yeah, I could see it. But by what you described, to me it sounded like he was interested in you, but something came along more geographically desirable to him, and he went with that.

Props to you for coming right out and telling the guy, “Look, what the f*** are you doing” and at least forcing him to give you answer, regardless of how full of sh** I think it is. I’d keep the texting and calling to a minimum from here on out. You told him how you felt, he said he wanted to just be friends and nothing more, so there. Unless you want to continue to be this guy’s sounding board, just keep the communication at a minimum.
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Send all emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you next week.

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21 Comments

21 Comments

  1. Athena

    June 27, 2013 at 10:09 AM

    Ok, this season is sooo boring that now I’m feeling compelled to fantasize about Steve’s dating life. He and the person who wrote the email about Sarah Herron’s blog were both spot-on – she is HILARIOUS! How cool would it be if the two of them got together?!? Why? Because Sarah needs more dancing in her life and Steve seems like just the kind of guy who could give it to her, and becuse she’s just the kind of gal who could equal him in sarcastic dry humor We could all write haikus or or make up silly poems about it – like this one: “Steve and Sarah sitting in a tree, d – a – n – c, i n g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes blogging and a baby carriage.”

  2. mariet

    June 27, 2013 at 11:17 AM

    I see Sean has hired an agent. He won’t be leaving LA to go back to Texas to sell insurance without a fight. ugh

  3. Sunnyside422

    June 27, 2013 at 11:49 AM

    So not surprising! Everyone one of these nothings from the franchise believe themselves to be the next amazing star! Guess Hollywood made him a better offer than God ever did.

    Why can’t ach of them take their 15 minutes and walk off into the sunset!

  4. freeasabird

    June 27, 2013 at 1:37 PM

    Whatever happened to Sean’s 1/3 interest in Factory Girl?

    To whoever is following Ash(I’m adopted)Lee and Brad.. any updates? I think maybe it was BFW.

  5. bigfatwoman

    June 27, 2013 at 1:59 PM

    Yes it was me following AshLee, but I unfollowed her a while ago. She tweets too much ridiculous stuff about getting organized, etc.

    Twitter is a very interesting look inside someone’s ego. I’m not on Facebook, never have been, but I do like Twitter. I like to follow people that I find interesting (for good or bad reasons), but I keep it private, I rarely tweet and I have zero followers. It’s a great way to keep up on trends and the news of the world.

    Having said that….I told you already Catherine blocked me, but I do still follow Sean. Yes he has had an agent for a while and yes, I think he is totally full of himself and Catherine has become his very willing sidekick. They are both sucking up their 15 minutes of fame with vigor and they gross me out. I will laugh when they break up because it’s inevitable.

    Sean has also been campaigning for Jef to the be new Bachelor and I feel the same way about him. Like Steve said, total opportunist.

    The only Bach couple that I like is JP and Ashley and maybe Trista and Ryan. They seem like real people.

  6. rob22

    June 27, 2013 at 2:14 PM

    Regarding Nick Wallenda the “batshi*” crazy guy who crossed the Grand Canyon (and previously crossed Niagra Falls), he is the grandson or great grandson of Karl Wallenda, who used to do the same stunts years ago (before network TV), and got a fraction of the pay. He’d do walks between skyscrapers, across deep gourges, and all the same stuff as Nick is doing. He did it until his mid 70s when he fell during one of his stunts, in Brazil I think, and died. Nick, like Karl, is in great shape and practices his stunts dozens and dozens of times (at lower heights). He even introduces variables like wind, rain, etc. so he learns to handle them. These days, with the money involved in these shows, he doesn’t just show up somewhere and do the stunt. He practices the specific conditions for months. So, by the time he actually does the show, he knows that he’s not going to fall. It’s a special talent, no doubt, but he spends a lot of preparation time and effort. So, it’s not as crazy as it seems. Still, like with Karl, he only has to make a mistake one time to pay with his life.

  7. rob22

    June 27, 2013 at 2:19 PM

    Gotta call out RS on the Brooks, Brooks, Brooks tweet. So, he puts that out there, doesn’t explain it & thinks there’s going to be no curiosity?? What? It was an obvious tease, with the purpose of getting people interested…. and there is no other reason for a tease than to keep people reading, despite his protestations to the contrary. Come on RS, stop the BS. It’s pretty transparent what you’re doing & please stop playing innocent. It’s irksome to read your complaints when readers react to your nonsense.

  8. karynr

    June 27, 2013 at 2:24 PM

    Athena, after reading Sarah Herron’s blog, which is a really fun read, I think she needs to meet Chris from Des’ season.

    Don’t forget, Jen Frase is hysterical too! I think Sarah just joined the ranks of my top three favorite Tuesday reading, including RS and Jen.

  9. Athena

    June 27, 2013 at 3:12 PM

    About all the criticizing we all do of the “contestants” who then think they are “stars”: the fact is that just about anyone who experiences any level of fame then wants more of it. It’s really kind of like a drug high. It’s not pleasant to watch, but it’s really pretty normal to then want “more”. I’m not going to criticize any of them for going for it as I’m sure most all of us, or at least me, would do the same. As my mama used to warn me: “heroin makes you feel soooo good, it’s almost impossible not to get hooked”. Despite my checkered past, I can’t speak to the truth of this, but from what I’ve seen, I think she was pretty close to right.

  10. elizabeth82

    June 27, 2013 at 3:43 PM

    My post didn’t show up so take two. . .

    I have to agree with rob22 about Steve teasing “oh Brooks, Brooks, Brooks” and then saying he’ll reveal what he meant when the time is right and putting down people who ask about it. C’mon, dude, that is some BS.

  11. Sunnyside422

    June 27, 2013 at 4:04 PM

    Karynr: thanks for the Jen Frase reference! Totally forgot about her this season! She is awesome so if you are in the mood to laugh, do check her blog! Just read all the episode recaps. There is nothing serious about her blog…just taking apart the men (using the term loosely) and Des. Good read.

  12. mariet

    June 27, 2013 at 5:11 PM

    Yes, BFW, I totally agree with your third paragraph. Gross indeed! And freeasabird, I think the “Managing Partner” of Factory Girl was just a ruse after he became the Bachelor. Being a State Farm or Allstate agent–whatever– (which is exactly what he was on Emily’s season) was not cool enough for whoever he thinks he is. Sad.

  13. jsocial12

    June 28, 2013 at 8:51 AM

    I definitely love Steve’s spoilers and inside information; however, I find the TV without pity recaps to be a lot funnier (and shorter!). The whole “Oh Brooks, Brooks, Brooks” tweet..I agree with rob22, and it’s exactly why I don’t follow him on Twitter. Because of BS tweets like that.

  14. vessel

    June 28, 2013 at 12:01 PM

    Another great bachelor/ette blogger is “babefromtheburbs” She is absolutely hilarious. Very dry and snarky/sarcastic.

    To the woman 9 years older than her boyfriend: I am 10 years older than my husband (I’m 46, he is 36). We’ve been happily married for 5 years and have a 4 year old son together. Age just has never been an issue in any way for us because we don’t make it one. If you’re happy together it’s all that matters and I agree with Steve about not looking for trouble. Just because it’s more common in big gaps that the guy is the older one shouldn’t matter if you’re compatible. Go with it and be happy!

  15. elizabeth82

    June 28, 2013 at 12:21 PM

    @jsocial12: I love Television Without Pity’s recaps, too.

    @vessel: I think 10-year gaps are OK. Older than that and it may start to get weird. Anyone else see how James Woods (66) has another 20-year-old gf?

  16. rob22

    June 28, 2013 at 4:43 PM

    Yeah, 10 year age gaps are fine…. unless you’re 25. Jus sayin. James Woods is definitely a creeper. Has he been on anything, except for his frothing at the mouth appearances on Fox News, in the last 10 years?

  17. Kali

    June 29, 2013 at 8:23 PM

    I have a comment for Cheap Date (who wrote to Dr. RS) – your letter is a bit confusing. Either you’re willing to pay your way on a date, or you’re not. If you are, why are you complaining about it? If you’re not, why are you doing it? A bit of advice: What you accept, you teach. He’s learned you’re willing to pay your way, and it’s a bit late to change the lesson you’ve taught. If I were you, I’d (1) continue to pay my way and quit letting it bother me, or (2) split up with him and, when you start over, never offer to pay your way, if that’s the way you want your new relationship to be.

  18. gailer

    July 1, 2013 at 10:26 PM

    Let’s bring back Brad Womack again for the next Bachelor. Third time’s the charm! LOL

  19. chefmom3

    July 2, 2013 at 4:12 AM

    Another TWOP’er here!! Have been reading the forums for years but the funniest has to be the forums on the dumbest show ever to be on TV – The Following – omg so much snark & really funny stuff on those forums!

  20. gg24

    July 2, 2013 at 6:53 AM

    Kasey and Michael act like teenage girls who love drama and gossip. They still have alot of growing up to do and are extremely annoying when they whine. I was embarresed for “Mr. Prosecuter” who actually squirmed like a scared child when James sat next to him on the couch. He does not across as a real man, but an immature man/child. I can not wait until he is booted off.

  21. sunrisehawaii

    July 2, 2013 at 9:01 AM

    Michael, Drew, Kasey, definitely bromance, so not sure how they got passed the interview as straight men. How Michael’s excitement about James’ departure, was so much more important to him then the reason for being there (like he won and loved it). Now you’re showing your true colors Michael, yet when James was being real about what all of you are thinking, but afraid to say, wasn’t acceptable. Now that James is gone, we’re left with the most boring, uninteresting crew. I really may not continue to watch. I mean who does she have to choose from? A bunch of gossiping, rumormill men. Seriously? Who will they try to squeeze out next?

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