Reality Steve

The Bachelorette 9 - Desiree

The Bachelorette Desiree Recap Including Next Bachelor Talk & A Change to One of the Spoilers

-Des’ date with Zak is up next, but honestly, after the James’ curse fest on the previous date, seemed like anything Des and Zak did was going to be a giant letdown. So what’d they decide to throw in? Naked men! Right up Zak’s alley. They go into an art studio where they are supposed to sketch some guy that I believe stole his beard from the dude in Hunger Games. I forget his name. Never read any of the books, but saw the movie. It was decent, and I’ll go see the 2nd and 3rd movies. But I didn’t think it was a great as people made it out to be before I saw it. And what’s with those people’s beards anyway? I’ll be honest. Beards scare me. All types. The tightly shaved ones, the unshaven ones, and then the Elan ones which completely go against what any male should ever have growing off his face. To each their own I guess. If that looks works for him and somehow someway that landed him in Casey Shteamer’s pants before she unceremoniously dumped him, hey, all the power to the guy. Just not something I’d personally endorse. Nor should any guy. Unless your home is on a park bench.

-Des says she’s excited to see how Zak expresses himself in art. Did Zak really draw the picture of Hunger Games dude, or did someone else do that for him? Not like it was the Mona Lisa or anything, but it was halfway decent compared to what we saw his drawing of Des looked like. Holy crap. That was something I would’ve drawn in 6th grade art class. Or now. I can’t draw/sketch/paint for shit, so that’s exactly how my Des would’ve turned out too. How could he have two such drastically different drawings? I’ll chalk it up to him being flustered by the nude model who came in between the drawings. Had to be. Apparently naked men make Zak all nervous and sweaty. And how come we never got to see either of their drawings of naked guy? Don’t you think it would’ve been appropriate to see what Zak’s interpretation of that guy’s junk would’ve been? I mean, he couldn’t stop looking at it quite frankly, even though he tried to pretend not to. We’re on to you, Zak. Don’t hide it. This whole priesthood thing is making a liiiiiitle more sense now.

-Des: “Zak and I have a friendship that is growing into a romance.” Uh oh. Translation: Zak is currently in the Friend Zone, and only General Zod can break him out. Go see “Superman 2” for that reference. Screw “Man of Steel.” Piece of sh** that should’ve never been made. No, I’m not bothered by that movie at all. Over dinner, Zak tells Des, “Well, what do you need to know about me?” I think she asked what’s important to him. “Priests.” Oh wait, he didn’t say that. He said to have the relationship his parents have and that he has the spirit to be adventurous. Also, he thinks that’s why he might still be single, because he likes being naked all the time. Or in his tighty whities during art classes. I have no idea. He’s kinda all over the map. Of course then he tells Des that he’s crazy about her and they make out. He gets a rose. Zak did one smart thing on this date. He didn’t bring up James’ name. Wow. Imagine that? A guy getting some alone time with Des and not talking about another guy. Who’d have thought of such a brilliant idea? Maybe because Zak only cares about two things life: being naked and making snow cones. Please tell me on his hometown date we’re gonna get to see that snow cone truck his family owns. Awesome. Snow cones fascinate me. Here’s a cone, here’s some shaved ice, here’s some colored syrup for you. Enjoy! The second my Snoopy snow cone maker broke after two days when I was child was the second I stopped caring about snow cones.

-Oh hey everybody, Zak is as completely delusional as any of the other guys left. He just had his first 1-on-1 date of the season, and you know what’s coming pouring out of his mouth right now? “I’m absolutely in love with this woman and I have no hesitation in saying that.” Really? No hesitation whatsoever? Not even a little bit? You’ve spent a total of maybe 16 hours with her and you already know you love her? Wow. I can’t imagine what you’re like with someone you spend a whole weekend with. How do you know Des likes snow cones? What if she has an aversion to them like I do? I mean, your parents marriage is what you want to emulate in life, so, if Des isn’t all that keen on a family business centered around shaved ice with colored corn syrup extract thrown on top, how will you two succeed? I think for his hometown date, it would be a crying shame if they don’t let Des at least make one for herself and name one of the flavors. Like maybe make a fluoride flavor to resemble Zak’s teeth. Or “Orange Spray Tan” to resemble, well, his orange spray tan. The possibilities are endless. I’m sorry, but I’m stopping the ice cream truck 10 times out of 10 over the snow cone truck. Gimmie my Nestle Crunch ice cream bar or a bomb pop and let me bask in all my happiness.

-Hey guess what? We’ve gone almost 15 minutes without bringing James into the picture, and since this is the Execution of James Case episode, after Zak’s date they immediately transition into James confronting Drew since he was the initial p***y to bring James’ story to Des. This did not go well. Drew got furious. Like, so furious to the point where his hair almost un-parted itself. Yeah, that bad. For a second I thought he was gonna haul off and throw his glass of milk across the room, that’s how bothered he was. The argument was much of the same. James told Drew he’s being realistic that if he didn’t win, it is ok to think about what life would be like without Desiree. But since Drew is there to guard and protect Desiree’s heart and no one is allowed to say one mean thing about her, he thinks that every guy in the house should focus every living, breathing second that they’re there to Desiree. I’m sorry, but you cannot convince me that none of these other guys ever had the thought of becoming the next “Bachelor” cross their minds at any point during the filming of the show. Yes, James is an idiot for talking about it publicly, but these guys overreaction was ridiculous. They acted like he committed a crime against humanity. So if/when Drew becomes the next “Bachelor,” you’re somehow going to convince me that the thought NEVER crossed his mind until the second he was eliminated from the show? Uh huh. Sure it didn’t.

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31 Comments

31 Comments

  1. corkystclair

    July 2, 2013 at 9:02 AM

    Ugh. Even the “drama” this season is so boring. They tried to make James out to be a Bentley-sized villain but he actually came off as kind of sympathetic. His crime was speaking the language of the real world instead of bachelor lala land like the other guys. In the real world it would be ridiculous to be so committed to a person you’ve been out with once that you can’t even imagine ever dating anyone else. But in bachelor land you pretend that this is not only reasonable but the noble thing to do (while secretly hoping you’re the next bachelor and end up with hotter girls than Des).

  2. karynr

    July 2, 2013 at 9:23 AM

    Goodbye Juan Pablo, you gorgeous hunk of a man!

    I slept through most of it, waking up right before the rose ceremony. Perfect timing. I’m not even going to bother watching it again. TOO BORING!

    I just wanted meathead James to leave. I could care less how or when it happened.

    RS is right about Drew being the next Bach. CH is pimping him on another blog. He said, “This is the week everyone will fall in love with Drew.” NOT. I have no interest in watching a season of someone who looks like their 12, wearing too much hair gel and possibly wanting a boyfriend versus a girlfriend. I will not watch that season. Dudley Doright is cute in a little boy way, but as a lead…..no way.

  3. karynr

    July 2, 2013 at 9:24 AM

    they’re not their

  4. Sunnyside422

    July 2, 2013 at 9:55 AM

    James…not attractive at all…sweating through his too tight shirt. Reminded me of Sean last season when he looked like he was about to burst through his short sleeved shirt the night he was eliminated…after thinking “there is my wife” just before Emily axed him for Jeff and Arie!

    Drew is a little girl and this is the best they can come up with as next bachelor! Won’t be a must see season for me if it is true.

    Zak sparkly teeth and those eyes that seem to pop open! He is scary looking.

    Still see nothing even remotely attractive about Brooks in any way shape or form! We all know that relationship will fizzle quickly especially when he discovers all the fun James and Kasey are having with the Chicago chickies!

    Again, didn’t see all the show (preferring my book) so missed some of what Steve recapped. Looks like I didn’t miss much.

  5. elizabeth82

    July 2, 2013 at 10:06 AM

    I enjoyed this recap more than the episode, so thanks for that, Steve. This season is seriously dragging. Des was my fav on Sean’s season but this is a weird group of guys. Why did the James drama have to span the whole episode? It rivaled the Jersey episode with how boring it was.

    I’ve had no problem boycotting previous seasons of “The Bachelor” when I don’t have any interest in the lead (Brad 2.0, Jason, and Jake) and I will probably do so again if Drew is the next Bachelor. He’s gay (with a side of emotional immaturity), so what’s the point? If they have to pick any of these effeminate guys, I can stand Zak the most. I did like Michael but now he’s just annoying me.

  6. jsocial12

    July 2, 2013 at 11:20 AM

    What a bunch of whiny little girls, especially Michael, Kasey and Drew. They get their panties in a twist because meany James says that there is life after the Bachelorette? Gasp! How dare he.

    Also, does it drive anyone else NUTS that Reality Steve won’t tell us the guys who do not like Des, yet he keeps slipping that in left and right in all of his recaps? Hopefully it’s not just me, because it’s annoying. Either tell us or stop talking about it.

  7. kjopo84

    July 2, 2013 at 11:54 AM

    Oh my! Steve you’re a great uncle. Zak in my opinion would make the best bachelor of this group. And I liked how he, Brooks, and Juan Pablo didn’t get involved in the James drama.

  8. kbtlr09

    July 2, 2013 at 11:56 AM

    I agree. Drew is a little girl. I can’t picture him as the next bachelor. He’s too feminine.

  9. rob22

    July 2, 2013 at 12:02 PM

    The wife and I made it to the 45 minute mark before falling asleep this time. Well, she made it about 25 minutes and I was only half paying attention. I thought that maybe as we got to know the guys better it would get better, but it isn’t. I’m trying to see the attraction to the metrosexual Brooks. And, I guess to a certain type of woman, they’re just going to like an effeminate guy with girl hair. I suppose it’s no worse than Emily enjoying a little boy who rides a skateboard and pulls his love quotes off of greeting cards. But, at least Jef (or the editors) hid it a little better…. OK, not that much better.

  10. rob22

    July 2, 2013 at 12:07 PM

    Did anyone notice the decline in Des’s looks? Those dark circles around her eyes are back & she is starting to look a little skeletal. Someone feed that girl a BLT, stat! I mean, she’s nice. But what do you say to her? She doesn’t have anything at all to say…. she just has above average looks, a nice smile and a good back story. Other than that…. nothing. I can see why the guys aren’t into her. With Emily, there was an edgier person inside that southern belle exterior…. and well, the girls were spectacular. They have to do better next time. Too bad we never got Emily O.

  11. rob22

    July 2, 2013 at 12:13 PM

    On James, I don’t think he did anything terribly wrong other than speak freely in front of a bunch of little girls. But James as a type is disgusting. He, like Mikey, would appeal to the girls that like spray tans, gold chains, steroid fed muscles and STDs. Yes, the Jersey Shore groupies. When ugly New Jersey chicks go for that stuff, I can live with it…. but are there really other girls out there that like his type?? If so, wow.

  12. blueice

    July 2, 2013 at 12:50 PM

    Regarding the guys that didnt like Des, I guess as they get eliminated RS will make his reveal. Frankly except for dainty ‘wall kiss wannabe’ Drew I dont see any of the guys being super in to her.
    Meanwhile that WTF preview, shown at the end, was nothing new. Someone leaves mid season and then comes back at the end to claim the rose and lady. Drama and Scene. YAWN.

  13. jsocial12

    July 2, 2013 at 1:04 PM

    blueice, Gotcha. I guess that makes sense…haha. It just seemed like he was teasing us with it.

    I guess the guy who left in Germany, the guy whose GF showed up, Mikey and James aren’t into Des. I’m all caught up then.

  14. oyoung1117

    July 2, 2013 at 1:08 PM

    Rob22–totally agree about Des having nothing to say. That really sums up the entire problem with her as a lead. She really tries, you can just tell she is a boring person to talk to.
    Reality Steve is irritating me again. He is dangling secrets and never telling them for no reason. I get why he gives a hint and then holds off on the big reveal for a long time to drum up interest, but to just not tell things he knows because it’s not his place or whatever is annoying. Also he refuses to ever speculate on the motivation behind the most interesting decisions made on the show and I love speculation. But to his credit he did say how he felt about whether James really had done anything wrong or not which is not usually his style, but I did appreciate.
    I really, really hope he is wrong about them recycling a contestant to be the next bachelor. I’m ready for fresh meat! But I am sure he is right.

  15. wavecatchingmom

    July 2, 2013 at 1:35 PM

    “Drew got furious. Like, so furious to the point where his hair almost un-parted itself. Yeah, that bad. For a second I thought he was gonna haul off and throw his glass of milk across the room, that’s how bothered he was.”
    classic RS quote right there. and brings up the superman image yet again. isn’t superman kinda white toast too? I sort of have some expertise in how archetypes and myths work. 75 years of superman mythology can’t trump thousands of years, so I haven’t seen the show, but perhaps they are going to another source in order to better capture the collective. speaking of that, this week’s theme, and RS unconscious female bashing with references to men “on their periods”, is how reversing the myth (really cinderella is a reversal, in all of known history there’s never been a situation in which women control their romantic destiny) causes role reversal in general. and how that role reversal can get your panties in a bunch apparently (another negative reference to feminine/masculine). I rather enjoyed the men grappling with this situation this episode, minus the 45 minutes of the James vs. boymen. Lets face it men, in this brave new world we are dealing with old archetypes battling a new situation where women have more power than they ever have. Des herself is so confused by this that she can’t help but react positively to a manly man like James, who is actually more in touch with himself and more real than the others. and RS, just to keep it real, being on your period is no joke, and women need men’s support to calm all of these hormones that allow us to carry your seed to its fruition. just sayin…

  16. bigfatwoman

    July 2, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    Count me in as one who had an early crush on James. He has a very handsome face, but he’s all meathead from the chin down….not usually my type, but definitely not my type now.

    It’s not what he said, it’s the fact that he was dumb enough to say it. His pathetic back peddling was a total turn off.

    Des is a nice girl without much personality. She has a pretty face and a nice figure, but the way she walks kinda pigeon toe, bow legs with ankle weights is very un sexy to me.

    I think ABC screwed up on casting her more so than screwing up casting the guys.

  17. mctownse

    July 2, 2013 at 4:11 PM

    I’ve watched every season since Jillian, but this season is unwatchable. Does Des know any words besides “aww” and “yay”? Does she have any interests? Does she know any jokes? Apparently not.

    The guys are a yawn, too, but I wonder if that’s just because they’re bored to tears with the lead. I sure would be.

    I would love to see them cast someone goofy, nerdy, sassy, INTERESTING on this show. I guess all those folks are too smart to sign up for it? Seriously, if they would hire RS to help with casting the show might just be watchable again.

  18. Caroll

    July 2, 2013 at 4:41 PM

    Interesting that they cut out any “good-bye” footage of Kasey this week. Usually the cast-offs get to say a few words!

  19. emerald3358

    July 2, 2013 at 6:39 PM

    You are killing me with the Brooks, Brooks, Brooks stuff!! However…thank you for bringing some anticipation to this season!

  20. rl1991

    July 2, 2013 at 8:41 PM

    About that Brooks, Brooks, Brooks… I have a theory. Maybe, Brooks, Brooks, Brooks is the only thing we hear Desiree saying from the Fantasy Suite. And maybe, there’s the word Oh in front of it. Just my own speculation 🙂

  21. elizabeth82

    July 2, 2013 at 9:13 PM

    @rl1991: No, I don’t think so. Steve hinted that the “Brooks, Brooks, Brooks” moment is next episode and we’re not at the fantasy suite dates yet. Unless your comment was a total joke.

    Brooks is so effeminate, by the way . . . This season is off.

  22. kasey31

    July 2, 2013 at 9:52 PM

    Hi, everyone!!! Hope you all are doing well.. it’s been a while since I checked in, so I just wanted to stop by and say hello : ) I am not watching this season.. I gave it a solid 3 episodes, and I tried my hardest to get into it, but it just wasn’t happening for me for some reason.. and that’s weird bc I have not loved every season, but I always, always watch regardless.. this is the first time I have ever not watched, not even channel surfed by it to get a quick peak..

    Anyway, hope everyone is great.. and for those continuing to tune in, you are all troopers!

    Any other good shows on right now? I tried Under the Dome and thought it was ridiculous..

  23. elizabeth82

    July 2, 2013 at 10:01 PM

    Hi Kasey. I kind of like “Whodunnit,” ABC’s new show on Suns. at 9. Only two episodes so far. If reality show combined with murder mystery appeals to you you might check it out. I prefer books to TV but have actually tuned in for this one. 😉

  24. kasey31

    July 2, 2013 at 11:10 PM

    Hey, Elizabeth! Yes, I have heard of it, but haven’t checked it out yet and wasn’t sure when it was on.. I didn’t know there was a reality aspect to it? I do like murder mysteries, so I might have to give that one a try.. thanks! : )

  25. natasha179

    July 2, 2013 at 11:31 PM

    I don’t understand why so many women drool over Drew and say he looks like a Ken doll. Sure, he has blonde hair and is tall, but there’s something off about his face- his eyes are really close together, and his nose is weird. He’s kind of a butterface. James on the other hand, has a gorgeous face. But I agree he is too meathead-y, if you will, from neck down. Not so impressed by any of the men this season. As for the poster who said Emily Maynard was gorgeous, she had duck lips (injected), thin bleached blonde hair, and fake boobs- they should have a natural beauty, who is accomplished (doctor, scientist, what have you) be the next bachelorette, there are plenty of them.

  26. rob22

    July 3, 2013 at 6:02 AM

    Natasha, for the record, I never said Emily was gorgeous. I said the “girls” were spectacular. (cue laugh track). Anyways, I don’t think anyone would argue that she was far more interesting than Des. As far as looks, on Emily, I agree with you…. she’s pretty fake & not my type at all. I like the poster who stated that the only words Des can say are Wow and Yay! That is hysterical and true, if you throw in the stock “amazing” comment she makes about two dozen times a show.

  27. mcbb

    July 4, 2013 at 6:14 AM

    One thing is now obvious and no longer subject to question. After the Munich and Barcelona episodes the cat is finally out of the bag. Desiree may be a basically good person; but she is not what she’s been advertised to be … a devout born-again Christian with strong convictions and high standards.

    For those of you not wise to the ways of German beer: The average alcohol content of German beer is 18%. The standard 12 oz. can of American beer is 6.5%. You do the math. In Munich, Des took on a half-gallon of local brew and never even blinked. Having a glass of wine at the weekly Rose Ceremony cocktail party is one thing … but what she did in Munich was something entirely different. The gal is an experienced guzzler.

    Then during the Barcelona episode, Des had to be “bleeped” out several times to edit out bad language. And it’s not the first time she’s let her tongue slip. I caught a slip the very first night; after greeting one of the men as he exited the limo she looked squarely at the camera and blurted out a loud and clear “Damn!”

    Any questions I’ve had about Des have now all been resolved; and now I have no doubts at all. Desiree is a fraud and the audience is a victim. Despite anything you hear to the contrary, Desiree is the stereo-typical California fun-in-the-sun Bikini Beach girl and is definitely into the Hollywood lifestyle. I would describe her as being 27 going on 16, with the maturity of a sophomore.

  28. bnfan

    July 4, 2013 at 9:20 PM

    If Steve is correct about Drew being groomed as the next Bachelor, then I think the production is behind the buying of his block of fake followers and maybe even paying for it.

  29. inflighthoney

    July 6, 2013 at 9:43 PM

    James should totally be the next bachelor!

  30. sowrong

    July 6, 2013 at 11:38 PM

    mcbb, I’m sorry, but you are INSANE. The average alcohol content in German beer is from 4,5% to 6%. I have NO idea where you got your 18% from. Oh, and I’ve lived in Germany for 5 years now. Trust me. Anyone can drink as much as Desiree did without blinking. No reason for judging her for that.

  31. natasha179

    July 10, 2013 at 7:54 PM

    rob22, Emily’s “girls” weren’t spectacular, lol. Men in the US are so easily impressed by fake, plastic boobs. If you want to see women with gorgeous REAL curves, much shapelier than her, you should check out Lebanese/Arabic women, Persian women, or the actresses in Bollywood. They are gorgeous, and genetically blessed with real curves, not the fake plastic balls women here get! Nothing compares to real, natural beauty.

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