Here are all your bios for Andi’s guys, and as I perused all of these, I had at least one thought about each guy:
Andrew: His longest relationship was 2.5 years but it didn’t work out because he was still too young and had a lot of life to live. Translation: I didn’t want to just have sex with one woman the rest of my life. It’s ok Pacey. You’ll always have Joey to fall back on.
Bradley: Points for him having “Spaceballs” in his top 3 movies of all-time. Minus 1,000 pts for your answer to “What does your ideal mate look like?” “She looks like the one that is right for me!” Dude, shut up and stop using exclamation points in your answer. And secondly, answer the freakin’ question. You know what they were asking. Goober.
Brett: I’m curious why they’d be asking the guys who their favorite actor is? Shouldn’t they be asking their favorite actress? Ryan Reynolds? Really, Brett? You realize Ryan Reynolds has yet to be in any blockbluster movie in his life? Or you just like him cuz he gets to bang Blake Lively every night before bed? Ohhh, gotcha. Yeah, me too.
Brian: In case you couldn’t tell, Brian is into sports since 80% of his answers seemed to have some sort of jock reference. Impossible to not like “Hoosiers.” If you didn’t say that being a basketball coach, I would think something is wrong with you. 3 items he’d bring to a deserted island: The Bible, sunscreen, and a surfboard to “keep me busy and safe.” Yes, because the #1 concern of someone living on a deserted island would be how many UV rays they’re soaking in. Priorities.
Carl: This has gotta be a first. Has anyone ever worn on a hoodie with drawstrings in their bio picture? I highly doubt it. Is this the first impression you want to make to America Carl or did you just come back from walking along the beach? OMG…someone who does Crossfit and wants to talk about it? No way! He should get together and go bowling with Marcus then.
Chris: I think I’d like Chris a lot more if he somehow could grow an upper lip. His biggest date fear is “accidental diarrhea.” Is this a common occurrence for him or something? I mean, I think that’s a given we’d have that as a fear, but I’m guessing they want to know something that has probably happened to you on multiple occasions. But hey, if you suffer from IBS, then my bad.
Cody: Man, Cody just comes across as so humble doesn’t he? I mean after answering the “Do you have any tattoos?” question with “You don’t put bumper stickers on a Mercedes” then following it up with pushing the limo as his entrance & going with the t-shirt and popped collar look with the sports coat for his night one attire, you can tell he’s totally down to earth, unassuming, and really shy. I hope at some point he comes out of his shell.
Craig: His worst date memory is “puking on her.” You, Craig? Never would’ve figured you as the loud, partying, drink-til-I-yak kinda guy. Not at all.
Dylan: Not much to comment on in his profile other than another stupid question being asked of him. “Favorite juice?” Who is writing these questions, V Stiviano?
Emil: His favorite type of dancing is twerking. Please no, Emil. Just save it. But his most bizarre answer was to the question, “What is the most romantic present you have ever given? Why?” “I gave my girlfriend a card and in that card I had written a sentence about what happened that day, everyday for three months since we started dating.” This brings up so many questions: Were these cards mailed? Hand delivered? If mailed, wouldn’t they be arriving 2-4 days after you mailed them? Why the f**k would the girl your dating care what you did during your day a few days ago – and get those EVERY DAY FOR 3 MONTHS. She either wasn’t getting them, or was just throwing them away. Does this guy not know how to text? Why not just call her and tell her what you did during the day? At any point did he actually send her something where he complimented her, or, for 3 months he just kept telling her what he did during the day? I need answers and I need them now.
Eric: Greatest achievement was the backflip he did off the high dive in 6th grade. The triple lindy?
Jason: What will he not do for love? “Forsake my family.” Too late, Jason. You already went on this show and lasted one night. Surprised they haven’t disowned you by now.
JJ: Occupation: “Pantsapreneur.” Enough said.
Josh B.: Most romantic gift he ever received was a picture collage of his girlfriend for their one year anniversary. Wow. She really thought outside the box on that one. Isn’t that essentially what any hand made gift ends up being? Surprised she didn’t tack on a macaroni necklace and a picture of a Thanksgiving turkey by outlining her hand.
Josh M.: I know Josh doesn’t have any say in what they will list his occupation as, but “Former Pro Baseball Player” is not an occupation. Like, right now. What are you doing right now? Nobody in their right mind when filling out a profile of themselves would knowingly write “Former Pro Baseball Player” when it says to list their occupation. Deserted island he wants to bring a gun to kill animals and a knife to carve them. Holy crap, they’re like two peas in a pod. Their honeymoon will consist of them hunting wild boar and eating it with their bare hands. Now I know what to get them as a wedding gift: Front row seats to the next NRA meeting.
Marcus: Sounded like Marcus was just trying to say all the right things in his bio. “Describe your idea of the ultimate date.” “Being alone on an island, walking on a beach with a full moon and drinking, eating, talking on the beach the rest of the night. It’s corny but corny is good, I think.” He couldn’t think of anything better than something seen in probably 80% of all Match.com profiles?
Marquel: His job is in sales/promotion for the UFC and he lives in Vegas, yet in describing a typical Saturday night, he says it consists of “Netflix, cookies, and a glass of wine.” Ummmm, sure it is Marquel. How about poppin’ bottles at Tao? Netflix, cookies and wine my ass. And oh, if he could be someone else for a day, it’d be Batman. “He’s a beast.” You know Batman isn’t a real person, right? Just checking.
Mike: I’m getting a little tired of people saying they gave scavenger hunt’s as their most romantic gift. I guess I need to change up my routine since everyone’s doing it now.
Nick S.: Very goal driven. “When I truly set a goal and my mind is clear on that goal then nothing can stop me. I accomplish my goals.” Well excuuuuuuuuuse me, Goalie McGoalerstein. Let me get out of your way here why you go conquer the world. One battle you’re definitely losing is with your hairline. Hey, it happens to the best of us. I feel ya’ pal.
Nick V.: He had a girlfriend once who gave him a list of 100 reasons why she loved him. I’m sorry to tell you this Nick, but I’d say at least half of them were exaggerated. 100 things to love about someone? That’s a lot. At that point, you’re just naming the smallest, most insignificant things just to make the number larger. “Your toes,” “The way you put on your socks,” “The tiny strands of hair coming from your ears,” on and on and on and on.
Patrick: Fun for him is going on top-down drives and sailing. So basically he wears sweaters tied around his neck, drinks mimosas at the country club and is an all around elitist snob. Got it.
Ron: Most romantic gift he’s ever received is a card. Wow, Ron. It’s like you’re a walking Nicholas Sparks novel. The romanticism in your life is killing me.
Rudie: He uses the words “killer,” “rad,” and “dude” in his profile. Unless you’re gonna pronounce “killer” like Keith Urban does, stop using that word. 1981 called and wants you to stop using the word “rad.” It’s ok to use the word dude for the most part, I do. But when you’re using it to describe the Dalai Lama, ummmmm, couldn’t you think of a better term?
Steven: I don’t know a thing about Steven, but I have a hunch he’d be totally fine chillin’ with Woo from “Survivor” for a weekend of bong rips. And there’s a lot of things Steven would do for love, but one thing he won’t do is change his cellphone carrier because he’s grandfathered in with unlimited data. Might be the most random, least important thing someone wouldn’t do for love in the history of this show. Steven, if your girlfriend was on a different phone plan than you, and lets say you couldn’t FaceTime because of it, and she asked you to upgrade to where you could FaceTime and you said no because you’re grandfathered in to unlimited data already – you would no longer have a girlfriend.
Tasos: If he could live in any other time period, he chose “Ancient Egypt, 2686-2181 B.C.” Wow. Without breaking out any history books, how random to choose those 505 years to live in. Am I missing something? Don’t usually people say like, “Oh, it’d have been cool to grow up in the 60’s or 70’s. Or maybe Colonial America.” To say you wanted to live over 4,000 years ago? Really? I’m guessing you would’ve been bored silly, Tasos. Is he from this planet?
Send all links and emails to: firstname.lastname@example.org. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you soon.