Reality Steve

The Bachelorette 10 - Andi

What Happens in the First Episode & What I Think of Andi’s Guys Bios

Here are all your bios for Andi’s guys, and as I perused all of these, I had at least one thought about each guy:

Andrew: His longest relationship was 2.5 years but it didn’t work out because he was still too young and had a lot of life to live. Translation: I didn’t want to just have sex with one woman the rest of my life. It’s ok Pacey. You’ll always have Joey to fall back on.

Bradley: Points for him having “Spaceballs” in his top 3 movies of all-time. Minus 1,000 pts for your answer to “What does your ideal mate look like?” “She looks like the one that is right for me!” Dude, shut up and stop using exclamation points in your answer. And secondly, answer the freakin’ question. You know what they were asking. Goober.

Brett: I’m curious why they’d be asking the guys who their favorite actor is? Shouldn’t they be asking their favorite actress? Ryan Reynolds? Really, Brett? You realize Ryan Reynolds has yet to be in any blockbluster movie in his life? Or you just like him cuz he gets to bang Blake Lively every night before bed? Ohhh, gotcha. Yeah, me too.

Brian: In case you couldn’t tell, Brian is into sports since 80% of his answers seemed to have some sort of jock reference. Impossible to not like “Hoosiers.” If you didn’t say that being a basketball coach, I would think something is wrong with you. 3 items he’d bring to a deserted island: The Bible, sunscreen, and a surfboard to “keep me busy and safe.” Yes, because the #1 concern of someone living on a deserted island would be how many UV rays they’re soaking in. Priorities.

Carl: This has gotta be a first. Has anyone ever worn on a hoodie with drawstrings in their bio picture? I highly doubt it. Is this the first impression you want to make to America Carl or did you just come back from walking along the beach? OMG…someone who does Crossfit and wants to talk about it? No way! He should get together and go bowling with Marcus then.

Chris: I think I’d like Chris a lot more if he somehow could grow an upper lip. His biggest date fear is “accidental diarrhea.” Is this a common occurrence for him or something? I mean, I think that’s a given we’d have that as a fear, but I’m guessing they want to know something that has probably happened to you on multiple occasions. But hey, if you suffer from IBS, then my bad.

Cody: Man, Cody just comes across as so humble doesn’t he? I mean after answering the “Do you have any tattoos?” question with “You don’t put bumper stickers on a Mercedes” then following it up with pushing the limo as his entrance & going with the t-shirt and popped collar look with the sports coat for his night one attire, you can tell he’s totally down to earth, unassuming, and really shy. I hope at some point he comes out of his shell.

Craig: His worst date memory is “puking on her.” You, Craig? Never would’ve figured you as the loud, partying, drink-til-I-yak kinda guy. Not at all.

Dylan: Not much to comment on in his profile other than another stupid question being asked of him. “Favorite juice?” Who is writing these questions, V Stiviano?

Emil: His favorite type of dancing is twerking. Please no, Emil. Just save it. But his most bizarre answer was to the question, “What is the most romantic present you have ever given? Why?” “I gave my girlfriend a card and in that card I had written a sentence about what happened that day, everyday for three months since we started dating.” This brings up so many questions: Were these cards mailed? Hand delivered? If mailed, wouldn’t they be arriving 2-4 days after you mailed them? Why the f**k would the girl your dating care what you did during your day a few days ago – and get those EVERY DAY FOR 3 MONTHS. She either wasn’t getting them, or was just throwing them away. Does this guy not know how to text? Why not just call her and tell her what you did during the day? At any point did he actually send her something where he complimented her, or, for 3 months he just kept telling her what he did during the day? I need answers and I need them now.

Eric: Greatest achievement was the backflip he did off the high dive in 6th grade. The triple lindy?

Jason: What will he not do for love? “Forsake my family.” Too late, Jason. You already went on this show and lasted one night. Surprised they haven’t disowned you by now.

JJ: Occupation: “Pantsapreneur.” Enough said.

Josh B.: Most romantic gift he ever received was a picture collage of his girlfriend for their one year anniversary. Wow. She really thought outside the box on that one. Isn’t that essentially what any hand made gift ends up being? Surprised she didn’t tack on a macaroni necklace and a picture of a Thanksgiving turkey by outlining her hand.

Josh M.: I know Josh doesn’t have any say in what they will list his occupation as, but “Former Pro Baseball Player” is not an occupation. Like, right now. What are you doing right now? Nobody in their right mind when filling out a profile of themselves would knowingly write “Former Pro Baseball Player” when it says to list their occupation. Deserted island he wants to bring a gun to kill animals and a knife to carve them. Holy crap, they’re like two peas in a pod. Their honeymoon will consist of them hunting wild boar and eating it with their bare hands. Now I know what to get them as a wedding gift: Front row seats to the next NRA meeting.

Marcus: Sounded like Marcus was just trying to say all the right things in his bio. “Describe your idea of the ultimate date.” “Being alone on an island, walking on a beach with a full moon and drinking, eating, talking on the beach the rest of the night. It’s corny but corny is good, I think.” He couldn’t think of anything better than something seen in probably 80% of all Match.com profiles?

Marquel: His job is in sales/promotion for the UFC and he lives in Vegas, yet in describing a typical Saturday night, he says it consists of “Netflix, cookies, and a glass of wine.” Ummmm, sure it is Marquel. How about poppin’ bottles at Tao? Netflix, cookies and wine my ass. And oh, if he could be someone else for a day, it’d be Batman. “He’s a beast.” You know Batman isn’t a real person, right? Just checking.

Mike: I’m getting a little tired of people saying they gave scavenger hunt’s as their most romantic gift. I guess I need to change up my routine since everyone’s doing it now.

Nick S.: Very goal driven. “When I truly set a goal and my mind is clear on that goal then nothing can stop me. I accomplish my goals.” Well excuuuuuuuuuse me, Goalie McGoalerstein. Let me get out of your way here why you go conquer the world. One battle you’re definitely losing is with your hairline. Hey, it happens to the best of us. I feel ya’ pal.

Nick V.: He had a girlfriend once who gave him a list of 100 reasons why she loved him. I’m sorry to tell you this Nick, but I’d say at least half of them were exaggerated. 100 things to love about someone? That’s a lot. At that point, you’re just naming the smallest, most insignificant things just to make the number larger. “Your toes,” “The way you put on your socks,” “The tiny strands of hair coming from your ears,” on and on and on and on.

Patrick: Fun for him is going on top-down drives and sailing. So basically he wears sweaters tied around his neck, drinks mimosas at the country club and is an all around elitist snob. Got it.

Ron: Most romantic gift he’s ever received is a card. Wow, Ron. It’s like you’re a walking Nicholas Sparks novel. The romanticism in your life is killing me.

Rudie: He uses the words “killer,” “rad,” and “dude” in his profile. Unless you’re gonna pronounce “killer” like Keith Urban does, stop using that word. 1981 called and wants you to stop using the word “rad.” It’s ok to use the word dude for the most part, I do. But when you’re using it to describe the Dalai Lama, ummmmm, couldn’t you think of a better term?

Steven: I don’t know a thing about Steven, but I have a hunch he’d be totally fine chillin’ with Woo from “Survivor” for a weekend of bong rips. And there’s a lot of things Steven would do for love, but one thing he won’t do is change his cellphone carrier because he’s grandfathered in with unlimited data. Might be the most random, least important thing someone wouldn’t do for love in the history of this show. Steven, if your girlfriend was on a different phone plan than you, and lets say you couldn’t FaceTime because of it, and she asked you to upgrade to where you could FaceTime and you said no because you’re grandfathered in to unlimited data already – you would no longer have a girlfriend.

Tasos: If he could live in any other time period, he chose “Ancient Egypt, 2686-2181 B.C.” Wow. Without breaking out any history books, how random to choose those 505 years to live in. Am I missing something? Don’t usually people say like, “Oh, it’d have been cool to grow up in the 60’s or 70’s. Or maybe Colonial America.” To say you wanted to live over 4,000 years ago? Really? I’m guessing you would’ve been bored silly, Tasos. Is he from this planet?

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14 Comments

14 Comments

  1. angelfish

    May 14, 2014 at 11:45 AM

    Aw, I’m bummed that we don’t get to see Hy making his evaluations at the cocktail party. I was looking forward to that, and Bukowski. At least Bukowski will provide some manufactured man-pain to laugh at!

  2. erin4

    May 14, 2014 at 2:22 PM

    grown-ass-man Bukowski. has he not humiliated himself enough, yet?

  3. angelfish

    May 14, 2014 at 2:45 PM

    Obviously not. He’s got to polish up those acting chops for Bachelor in Paradise!

    I think it would have been SO hilarious to show Hy strolling amongst the guys. And NOT telling them who he was. Just say “Andi likes older guys, so we decided to raise the age limit”.

    Didn’t Sean have some chick bring her grandma to the first cocktail party of his season?

  4. marybods

    May 14, 2014 at 11:31 PM

    What does womp wooooooomp mean?

    OMG that would of been so freakin funny to see Hy saying he was there to represent her interest in older guys….to funny

  5. rob22

    May 15, 2014 at 12:47 PM

    So, Josh Murray is a former baseball player? aka unemployed. So, the idea that he’s looking for love, and not fame and goodies, is looking even less likely. But at least the two of them can go out int the country and mow down some varmints. So, they’ve got that going for them. That should be more than enough for them to justify a few donkey punches in the honeymoon suite. And well, IDK, maybe they’ll both be into the cash and prizes enough to say “I do” on national TV. It could happen.

  6. momma3j

    May 15, 2014 at 3:26 PM

    LMAO @ “Goalie McGoalerstein”.

  7. ugagirl93

    May 15, 2014 at 8:07 PM

    Josh M isn’t unemployed – he works in finance but I’m sure they figured (former) pro baseball player sounded more fun. totally does make him sound unemployed though, wtg abc!

  8. ugagirl93

    May 15, 2014 at 8:08 PM

    & Steve yeah he did move to Atlanta in January – he lived in Athens prior to that, about 1.5hrs and a world away from ATL.

  9. sunday

    May 16, 2014 at 7:34 AM

    In reference to Emil’s romantic card he once gave to a girlfriend, I understood him to mean that he gave his “every day for 3 months” list all in one card – He didn’t send her a card every day for 3 months. That’s how I took it.
    I’m sure most of the bizarre answers these guys give on their questionnaires are bogus anyway. The only thing the majority of them worry about is for the casting director to notice them so that they make it onto the show.

  10. rob22

    May 16, 2014 at 10:22 AM

    I was thinking about the logical choices that Andi and Josh could make. What is the most logical decision to make? Break up and face media ridicule? People and Us Weekly articles about how you cheated on one another, TMZ video of the aftermath of a domestic disturbance, he said/she said dualing interviews on E? Or, get married on national TV to a swooning audience, receive a very nice pay day and an automatic paid invite to every future Bachelor event. Maybe the recent trend towards more actual weddings is just people figuring out how to cash in and avoid negative press.

  11. karynr

    May 17, 2014 at 1:52 PM

    I was really looking forward to seeing Hy at the first cocktail part. Bummer!

    I was also bummed when I read I won’t see Mr. Grown Ass be humiliated on national tv once again. Though, I have no doubt there won’t be a long wait before he does it a couple dozen times on the new and improved Bachelor Trash this summer.

  12. bachfan00

    May 18, 2014 at 1:36 PM

    Marybods: woomp woomp is a sound effect used on old tv shows and cartoons when something bad or sad happened. They used it a lot on Charlie Brown. It’s basically just a sarcastic way to say too bad so sad.

  13. rbmom123

    May 18, 2014 at 4:24 PM

    Dude, you’re hilarious. I was literately laughing out loud at your bio comments, esp. Ron and Josh M. Can’t wait for the show to start to hear you make fun of it!

  14. rbmom123

    May 18, 2014 at 4:26 PM

    Oh, and I agree with “sunday”, I think it was a single card with all the sentences from the past few months. Still kinda of odd though.

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