Dr. Reality Steve
Took a season off, but we’re back. I don’t care if it’s one email a week or fifteen. We are doing Dr. Reality Steve right here every Thursday come hell or high water. So get all your relationship/sex/marriage/infidelity/friendship/friends-with-benefits questions in and I guarantee it’ll appear here every Thursday. The first two questions were sent back in February I think. Sorry for the delay. Oops.
Dr. Reality Steve,
About six months ago I began seeing a guy I met through a mutual friend. He lived in the same town as me but worked out of town. When we first started talking, he was out of town full time for work because he had just started. We texted and talked on the phone constantly and he was telling me all the time how he was so into me and couldn’t wait until we could finally be officially together. Our first date was great… He drove to see me one night and I was afraid he was going to wreck because the whole way home he kept texting me telling me how much fun he had and how he couldn’t wait to just kiss me again. We kept dating and it was going great. We would see each other about once a week and talk every day. We didn’t have sex or even get close really. We are both fairly conservative so it never was a big deal. His job was pretty demanding so there would be some days where we would only text back and forth a few times and that was all. On days that he was off, I looked forward to hearing from him as soon as I woke up and we would talk/text until we went to bed. When we would go out, it was really comfortable, like we had known each other forever. It was like a perfect relationship to me because we were such good friends but we also had intense chemistry. He finally got to the point in his job where he could come back home. He kept telling me how excited he was to be able to be with me more and just know I was close to him. I was so excited too. He moved back home about two months ago. Around a week after he got back, he started talking to me less and less. I would wake up expecting to talk to him and then not hear from him all day. Then, he would text me but he would be very short. I never texted him or called him first because I don’t want to seem desperate. I basically got to the point where I decided he doesn’t want to be with me anymore so I have been trying to just forget him and move on. It just happened so suddenly. One day we were fine and he was talking about us being together officially and the next day its like he is a different person. We are friends on facebook and have mutual friends and as far as I know there is no other girl. The problem is he never gave me any sort of closure whatsoever. I don’t want to ask him what happened because, again, I feel it would seem desperate or clingy. I have never been this crazy over a guy before. I am 20 years old but I feel like I’m back in junior high.
Usually when a guy I’m seeing breaks it off or vice versa, I move on rather quickly. But with this guy, I think about him constantly and I don’t know how to stop. I just have no idea where it went wrong. I know we only dated for a little while, but while we were together it seemed perfect. He never even hinted at anything other wanting to be with me. On top of having no closure, he still texts me randomly about once a week or once every two weeks, but he won’t talk much and doesn’t seem interested. I am so confused. I just want to move on but there is a part of me that keeps hoping that he is stressed with his new job and maybe once he gets used to it, he will want to be with me again. I hate being this attached to someone because I am usually extremely independent. What should I do? And what do you think happened with him?
Comment: Impossible to tell what went wrong with him. Since you’re 20, I’m assuming he’s roughly the same age, so I would just chalk it up to him being an early 20’s guy that’s fickle. As much as you may think it’s not another girl, there’s probably a good chance it is. It happens. You’re only 20. I understand you like him a lot, but trust me, you’ll get over him the second you meet someone else more interested in you and someone that doesn’t blow you off like he did. To quote “Sixteen Candles,” I know it hurts. That’s why they call them crushes. If they didn’t, they’d probably call them something…just let him know, you wear the pants in the relationship. Ok, forget that last part.
I’ve been good friends with this guy for several years. Every once in a while, if we spend a lot of time together and aren’t seeing anyone else, we’ll hook up for a while. It always fizzles out when I realize that he just wants a friend with benefits whereas I would like to date him for real. You’d think after the third or fourth go-round that always ends the same I would learn, but that’s not my real problem. Right before the holidays we started getting flirty again, and one night he pulled out all the stops – took me to a really nice restaurant, wined and dined me, AND gave me a really nice Christmas present (about $300). Of course it worked, I fell for it, and he ended up staying the night. Since then … nothing. I realize it’s a little late now, but should I have returned the gift? Now I just feel awkward and, frankly, a little cheap. Why would he do that? I’d be interested to hear your take on it. Thanks.
Comment: F**k that. Keep the gift. If he wants to blow money on you then ignore you, that’s his problem, not yours. I wouldn’t even consider for a second returning his gift. It doesn’t even sound like he’s asked for it back, which is yet another reason why you shouldn’t worry. And even if he did, that’d look tacky on his part. Some guys think they can buy women’s affection. If he was already getting it from you, not sure why he threw the gift on top of everything, but whatever. Not my concern. He did, and you got a nice gift out of it so I wouldn’t think about it too much.
Hi Dr Steve
This isn’t a relationship question but I would love your advice!
Some girlfriends and I have an annual girls long weekend in Mexico that one friend organizes every year. I recently reached out to this friend and let her know that I would have to cancel this year….I confided that I felt my drinking had become a problem and I had decided to get professional help..this weekend is basically just drinking so not good for my well being right now. Well today I see on Facebook that she has invited in my place a girl who has treated me horribly in the past and basically we can’t be in the same place ( we originally fell out over a guy, shocker!)
I feel like this is really tacky and insensitive and given the reason I wasn’t going she should have considered my feelings. Thoughts? Help!?!
not drinking in Denver
Comment: I think your decision to not go because you’d be around a lot of drinking when you yourself are trying to stay away from that is a smart one. Although, if you watched this past Sunday nights episode of “Total Divas” on E!, the exact same scenario happened and the girl who is a recovering alcoholic went to a Bachelorette party and everyone was drinking. Nobody knew about her past, she avoided drinking all weekend, but had a tough time with it since nobody knew she was a recovering alcoholic. So she eventually opened up and told them and they were respectful of her. Do I think you could’ve gone, told everyone where you stood and just not drank all weekend and had a good time? Yes. But I don’t fault you at all for not going. Your reason is perfectly understandable as well.
As for her inviting a friend who’s an enemy of yours in your place, I don’t think that’s a big deal. Maybe funds had already been paid and they didn’t want your spot to go to waste? At least she didn’t invite this girl when she originally thought you were going.
I wouldn’t think too much about it since you’re not going.
And thank you for our first alliteration of the new “Dr. Reality Steve” season. Awesome.
I have a problem that I hope you can help me with or give me advice. I’ll try to keep in short. My mom, sister, and I were all planning to go to TN in June and my sister wants to bring her boyfriends daughter along for the trip. Her boyfriends daughter is about 7 years old and I really feel that she shouldn’t come on the trip because it’s too far away from her home. We live on the Philly area. It’s not like driving two hours to the beach. This is going to be a very long road trip. The mother of the daughter hates my sister and I can see the little girls mom telling my sister that it was ok for the little girl to go to TN and then say she never said it was ok and would try to have my sister arrested for kidnapping. I have tried to explain to my sister that it would be better if the little girl states home. Also, what if that little girl gets hurt? My sister cannot make medical decisions on her.
Every time I explain to my sister that’s she’s just the fathers girlfriend she gets upset. I don’t say that meanly at all. I explain it to her the nicest way. Now this little girls mom is not the best mom. The little girls mom doesn’t take good care of her like my sister does. However, at the end of the day my sister is not the legal guardian. My sister is that type of person who acts before she thinks and then things blow up in her face.
What do you think? Do you think I’m right that she shouldn’t bring her, or do you think the little girl should come anyway? Also, what would it say of my sisters boyfriend if he allowed his daughter to go to TN which is very far from Philly without him? If you had a child with another woman other than your current girlfriend, would you let your daughter go? Thanks so much in advance. I’m looking forward to your advice.
Comment: A lot of questions here. I’ll try to address all of them, but first I have some questions.
What kind of trip is this? Just a girls weekend? By possibly bringing the 7 year old, is it going to prevent you guys from doing things you would’ve normally done without her? Or would she fit right in to this trip?
I’ll answer the questions assuming that if the 7 year old was brought everything would be fine. I highly doubt your sister is going to be arrested for kidnapping if 3 other people are with the girl, and the father and mother both know where she is and consented on you taking her. That seems a little extreme. Well, a lot extreme.
If the little girl gets hurt? I mean, of course it’s possible but that’s possible in any situation in life with anyone. You could get in a car accident two minutes after leaving your house. I would think if there’s any sort of accident, the father and/or mother would be contacted immediately and you would ask them how to proceed. And if any injury happens serious enough, I’m guessing one of them would get in a car or get on a plane immediately to come to their daughter’s aid.
I think a lot of this depends on what kind of trip you’re taking. If it’s not putting a complete damper on your plans to bring your sister’s boyfriend’s daughter, and if she wants to bring her, then why not? If your sister’s boyfriend is comfortable with it, and they’ve been dating long enough and this is even an option for her to go, then he must be ok with it. I don’t think it says anything negative about him. But then again, I don’t know anything about their relationship. Has his daughter ever been left alone with your sister?
It’s too hard to answer the hypothetical that you posed because I don’t have a child, and I can’t visually put myself in that place where I know what I’d do right now. I could say something now, but then actually having a kid, my answer might be completely different.
I say if it doesn’t cramp your plans, both her boyfriend and the baby mama are fine with it, then bring her along. Just know this is a 7 year old you’re bringing and I don’t know what you guys had planned on this trip, but it does limit what you’d be able to do. Good luck.
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