-Since JJ mentioned last week in an ITM that he wants to be with someone he can grow old together with, he was stuck on tonight’s date. I’m not saying that JJ was slotted to go home at a certain point, but I can tell you that there was no way in hell someone like Josh or Nick or Marcus would ever have been put on this date. No way. At least there was some creativity put behind this date since we’d never really seen anything like it before, but the fact it was a guy that didn’t end up making the final four just screamed “friend zone” to me. The two of them had make up professionally done to make them look 80 years old. Or in JJ’s case, 127. Whoa. Could they have applied more liver spots to him? Holy Jesus. I mean, I know you wanted to make him look old, but did you have to go with the dead corpse look? Especially when for Andi you just threw a white wig on her and gave her a few wrinkles around her mouth, eyes, and cheek. She looked about 65, and he looked in his 100’s. You know, kinda like how Fleiss and his wife will look in 40 years. Because they totally will be together that long. It’s true love, people. Don’t you dare question their commitment to each other.
-So they start walking around a small park in Santa Barbara asking strangers to take pictures of them. I know that JJ is like 7’8″ or whatever and Andi is a midget, but did he have to walk at a 90 degree angle the whole time? That couldn’t have been too comfortable. And why did these two talk to each other like zombies? Is that how I’m gonna sound when I’m 80? Yikes. I’m sure the unsuspecting people in the park were alerted to what was going on after the fact, but I think JJ and Andi might have been a little too obvious as to what was happening. Just a hunch. It’s not like they were over exaggerating last night at all. I think these two should’ve went to the Bingo hall. Or maybe played Yahtzee together. I’m sorry if I offend anyone under the age of 60 that plays Yahtzee, but that’s a game I associate with the blue hairs. And Bingo. “B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name-o.” Don’t mind me. I’m currently typing this paragraph with Nicholas sitting right next to me and he just happens to be singing “Old McDonald.” You can tell I’m getting a hell of a lot done as he eats his bowl of Trix and sings at the same time.
-Back at the mansion, we see Ron getting a phone call and walking away from the cameras since it’s important. Then Ron tells waves the cameraman away because he wants his privacy. Ron was told what show he was on correct? He didn’t just randomly sign up for this silly show not knowing what he was getting into, did he? I mean, he can’t possibly think that something major would go down and they wouldn’t try and film him, did he? Whatever the case, this incident was pretty much scooped under the rug. They show him on the phone, go to commercial, come back and show more of Andi & JJ’s date, then we get a shot of Ron packing, coming downstairs to tell the guys a friend died and that he’s leaving, and that’s it. No ITM’s from Ron or any explanation. Hey, maybe it was better done that way, but that was easily one of the quickest exits we’ve ever seen on this show with zero dramatic effect.
-Back to Andi and JJ’s date and these two did all sorts of things that 80 year old couples do on a reality TV show in the middle of a park: they threw the football, Andi got on his back while he did pushups, he put her on his shoulders, they went on the swings, they rode on a scooter – you know, normal old people things. JJ made it clear that he definitely wanted to grow old with somebody some day. And by the fact that he had to keep asking Andi if he could get a kiss assured himself that he wouldn’t be growing old with Andi. I think JJ might be a bit too intellectual for this show. Or goofy. Or quirky. Can’t quite put my finger on it. He seemed out of place on this date and overall on this show. I can totally see him showing up on “Shark Tank” some day pitching some new innovative product that his Stanford brain has concocted. “Hi, my name is JJ, and I’m the creator and owner of the (fill in the blank product). I’m looking for $100,000 for a 15% stake in my company. Sharks, you how at the end of a long day…” Isn’t that basically how every pitch starts?
-In making sure they shove it down our throats that JJ and Andi are old people today, he gives her a Werther’s candy, because nothing else quite says “old as f**k” than Werther’s. I honestly don’t think anyone under the age of 78 has eaten a Werther’s before, nor should they. Oh I’ve tasted one before, which is why I’d never have one again. Tastes like the smell of moth balls and grandma’s house. They go on the carousel where JJ has to ask for another kiss, something that is practically impossible. I figured JJ might know this, but the law of physics pretty much tells you that trying to kiss someone while on the carousel is damn near impossible unless you are Plastic Man. Since his horse is going up while hers is going down, having that split second where you meet in the middle is awfully tough to pull off. Well, at least if you want to pull off a good kiss. I think JJ needs to reappear on “Price is Right” and stick to that form of TV. I know they don’t take return contestants, but, we need to see him act like he was shot out of a cannon again. I mean, how can you beat this?
Andi: “Happy Happy 50 my JJ.” In her creepiest old lady voice you can think of. I mean, the couple we saw last week at the race track was old and they didn’t talk like that. Not sure why JJ and Andi started talking to each other like they gargled razor blades that morning.
-At dinner, finally the make up is off these two, but don’t think the old person speak stopped. It didn’t. And my skin continued to crawl. JJ thanks Andi for the thought she put into today’s date, which of course had nothing to do with her. They just want to make you think she had an idea in it. She plans nothing. At some point she told producers she’d be interested in going on a 1-on-1 with JJ, and then they choose where and when that happens. But I’m assuming JJ knows this and just plays along to make others believe Andi actually plans these things. She doesn’t. JJ starts talking about how as a kid, he was a huge dork and had to move schools because he wasn’t getting along socially. Well, when you’re 8 feet tall in the 6th grade, I can see where that might have been a tad difficult for him. And I see where he’s coming from. I mean, we all saw his goofiness on the “Price is Right,” that had to come from somewhere. I guess he channeled his inner middle school self to jump around on stage like that. As this conversation is going, you could just see Andi with visions of Josh in a thought bubble above her head. JJ is fun, quirky, and one of the more unique guys they’ve ever had. However, JJ was never going to be the guy Andi ended up with. Just not happening.
-Quick shot back at the mansion and we hear Dylan telling the story to Chris about his brother and sister dying.
Granted I don’t believe any of the cast of “Bachelor in Paradise” saw last night’s episode in the hotel, but this backstory of Dylan is a huge reason as to why I think he and Clare will hook up on this show, if not date afterwards. Automatically they have matching backstories that were focused on, and it makes all the sense in the world for the show to play that up down in Mexico. I’d be pretty surprised if Clare doesn’t show an interest in him. I mean, she already had a little fling with Drew, and both of these guys put roughly the same amount of goop in their hair every day, so yeah, I can see it.
-Andi ends up giving JJ the rose after more talk about past relationships and liver spots. JJ says his longest relationship was 14 months, but it ended because they got too competitive with each other. They started competing on everything like friends. Huh? That’s kinda weird, no? I thought only girls were catty enough to start naming who their friends were and who wasn’t? I can see why that didn’t last then since it seems like something so ridiculously insignificant, that probably drove them nuts. Anyway, Andi & JJ but not before deciding to sneak in more creepy talk to each other. Old Andi and old JJ are doing the young Andi and young JJ a disservice. Lets cut this out before somebody starts spitting up their prune juice. Get these two an oxygen tank why don’t you, because if they aren’t careful, one of them might not make it out of this date without being rushed to the hospital.