-The show starts out with Andi arriving in New England first and walking about pretending like she knows a thing about the culture. Then of course, we get voiceovers from Chris saying, “One place I’ve always wanted to travel to is New England.” He’s making it seem like New England is on the other side of the world. Then again, when you’re corn bumpkin from the middle of Iowa, I guess you would think of New England as somewhere exotic. Then when Chris arrives at Mohegan Sun, he just about loses his sh**. “Hands down this is the nicest hotel I’ve ever stayed in.” What??? Mohegan Sun. It’s possible that the Revel in NJ looks at Mohegan Sun and kinda chuckles at how average it is. But hey, we are talking about Chris here so any building with running water, taller than a tractor, and where you don’t have to kill your own dinner is probably 5 star to him. I can only imagine what he’ll think of France, Italy, Belgium, and the Dominican Republic. The guy might wet himself.
-JJ gets the date card and I guess they told the guys to ramp up the excitement since there was a lot of cheering and clapping for a tall, gangly dude walking over and grabbing a 4 x 6 card. Easy there fellas. He’s only going to read to you, not start making it rain from money in the envelope. The card reads: “Our relationship is picking up steam.” Get it? Train? Locomotive? Steam? Man, they are so good with words. I wish I could be a writer for them. Although my date cards would probably read a tad different. Like for Dylan’s last night, it’d say: You’re gonna ride on a train all day then have dinner on it. Lets hope she choo-choo chooses you to be a recipient of a rose. Ok, so maybe that was from an episode of the “Simpsons” with Ralph giving Lisa a Valentine’s Day card, but that’s not important right now. What is important is I can write date cards that have more than six words on them and I won’t be nearly as ridiculous. Gimmie the job dammit. Maybe since I know all the dates in advance, I’ll start writing my own date cards before the episode airs and put them in this column every week. Sweet. In two weeks, Josh has a 1-on-1 with a concert in it and Brian has a 1-on-1 that’s a food date. Here are my date card predictions for those 1-on-1’s. Ready?
Josh: “Tongue Me.”
Brian: “Eat Me.”
Bam! Told you I could write for this show. Now, I would try and come up with my own guess for the mime group date, but I actually already know what it says. No joke, the mime date card has nothing on it. Marquel actually guesses it has something to do with mimes since the card is blank. Add that to your list of spoilers.
-Andi and Dylan are taking the Essex Steam Train up the Connecticut river. And since they’re doing that, Andi must throw in a metaphor. Andi: “Dylan and I’s relationship is gonna take a turn today…it might pick up a little steam.” Bhahahahahahahahahahaha. I totally get it. The train. The steam. The…just f***ing stop already. Jesus. Not to go all “Back to the Future 3” on you but, well yes, to go all “Back to the Future 3” on you, is this the same train that Doc Brown came back to 1985 in with Clara Clayton and his two boys? I think it is. Andi and Dylan are actually riding on a train that was invented by Doc Brown in 1885 and can travel through time. Awesome. I think they should travel ahead about 6 hrs on this date and actually eat their food. You’re gonna leave a plate of potatoes, broccoli, and chicken un-eaten? Are you guys even American? How could you possibly let a plate like that go to waste? Eat your food or you can’t watch TV tonight. Both of you. No dessert. Head straight to your room and do your homework. Sorry. Five days with Nicholas will do that to me sometimes.
-Dylan asks Andi to describe her ideal date. She doesn’t really have an answer. “I don’t know…dinner, dessert, and drinks” then I think she said the most common answer strangers give when asked this question in that, “Well, it doesn’t really matter what we do, it matters who we’re with.” It’s like Andi was filling out a Match.com profile answering this question. Said her last relationship lasted 3 to 3 ½ years and it just ended because she couldn’t see herself marrying the guy. Or he just had his own opinion on things and it made Andi fly off the handle so she dumped him. Whatevs. Dylan says he had an 8 year relationship that ended, and she ended up getting engaged the day after his brother’s funeral. Ouch. Although he says he’s happy for her, that one definitely had to sting a little. Look, I get people grieve in different ways, but is this really a show Dylan wants to be coming on 5 months after his brother died? He really wants to subject himself to this? Then three months later he’s off to film “Bachelor in Paradise?” Hey, it’s his life, but I just would never want to do something like this so soon to someone passing. I don’t get it.
-We got the Salon Hair Confidential commercial again and they repeated the DeAnna one. Or was it a second commercial they filmed with her? Can’t really say I paid attention to every word out of her mouth, but yeah, probably was a repeat. Filming one of these was bad enough, could you imagine two? The guy doing the girls hair, now, I don’t want to say he could be the meat in a Patrick & Andrew sandwich but, well, he could. And he’d enjoy it immensely. I hope DeAnna, Desiree, and Catherine get a year long supply of Salon Hair products for this, otherwise it wasn’t worth it. I don’t even get the point of it. Because they were on the show they get special treatment for their hair? It’s all too confusing. Anyway, on a separate Catherine note…remember how I said in this last Thursday’s chat that I had not yet received a thank you note from Sean & Catherine for my wedding gift? Guess I had spoken too soon since it arrived last week when I was in CA. It was in my batch of mail I went and got today, so thank you to them.
-After spending all day on the train, guess where Andi and Dylan’s dinner is gonna be? On the train! I mean, it would’ve only made sense to have a private concert by Train, no? I mean sure, they’d be the only group in show’s history to have a repeat performance (Brad’s 1-on-1 with the once Jackie Gordon had a Train performance), but it was only fitting. Then again, if I have to hear “Your lip-stick staaaaaaaaains…” again, I might lose it on someone (sorry to steal your phrase, Andi). Andi knows that Dylan is being a little shy and wants him to come out of his shell. Like now. Andi: “I wanna see the real Dylan sooner rather than later.” Bossy, bossy. But hey, it’s Andi we’re talking about here. This shouldn’t surprise anyone. Dylan tells the story of his sister overdosing on drugs 4 years ago when he was in college, his brother had a hard time with her death, he got into drugs, was in and out of rehab, Dylan got a call from his grandpa one day his brother was in a coma and, you know the rest. He died this past November and their father is nowhere to be found. Dylan clearly earned points with the female audience last night. How could you not? Horrible tragedy. Will make it that much worse when he’s one episode away from hometowns. Although, Dylan does seem a bit reserved. I’m not sure this show is for him at all. “Bachelor in Paradise?” Even more random he chose to do that.
-Andi thinks it was a very big honor that someone opened up to her like that and shared his story so Dylan gets a rose. Well of course he opened up to you like that, you practically brow beat him into it. Look, there was zero chance that Dylan wasn’t gonna get cast on this show with a backstory like that, and there was an even less than zero chance that once he was cast that he wouldn’t tell his story. It’s what this show does. They LOVE stuff like this. And I totally see it on the show’s end. What reality show out there doesn’t pick contestants who have a backstory? They all do. And they all get them to share it at some point and break down and cry. I’ve just never quite understood it from the contestants side as they have no problem telling America personal, intimate details like that. On shows like “Idol” and the “Voice,” where there’s an actual prize at the end and you need the audience’s vote to win? Sure. But on this? I just don’t get it. And 5 months removed from losing his second sibling? To each their own. Dylan seems too normal for this show.