-The group date was interesting to say the least as 11 guys got to play basketball. But not before getting a history lesson from Andi. “New England is actually the birth place of basketball.” Impressive. Andi can read Wikipedia. Great. Brian however, is giddy with excitement. His basketball shorts are all on fire now that he gets to show off in front of Andi. I’m sure he’s got a basketball boner over this. I mean, c’mon. He played basketball. He now coaches basketball. This is the perfect date for him. You know, every season this show airs, I find myself asking, “You know what they need to integrate into this show? The WNBA.” Prayers answered last night. I mean, there’s that one girl who’s the good dribbler. Oh! Oh! Oh! And her over there, that’s the one tall blonde who can shoot. And that other one whose names escapes me? Yeah, she’s good too. Man, it’s like a who’s who of WNBA superstars out there, and I mean that literally. Call it sexist, but as my old radio partner Dave Smith used to say, “The reason the WNBA isn’t successful isn’t because men don’t watch it, it’s because women don’t watch it either. I bet you can’t name one female friend of yours that is a fan of the WNBA.” It’s a niche audience, and that niche audience isn’t very big.
-So they thought it’d be fair to put the guys in a game vs the WNBA’s best. It was a horrible idea. The only score we ever saw on the board was 30-8 and my guess was Brian had all 8 pts for the guys. I hate to tell Brian this, but I’m convinced I could beat him in a free throw shooting contest. I haven’t shot a ball in probably 2 years, but I’m pretty sure I could step into a gym today, take a few warm-ups, and make 80 out of 100 free throws. I mean, you really want some of this Brian? (You’ll have to wait through the first guy before you see some real highlights):
Yeah, you don’t want none of this.
-The guys got slaughtered, embarrassed, and humiliated. So the better idea was to have them play against each other and the winning team got extra time with Andi. The teams were, Team Rosebuds: Nick, Cody, Andrew, Eric, Marquel, & Brian. Team Five of Hearts: Josh, Tasos, JJ, Chris, and Patrick. Brian was super fired up before this one to give a pep talk to the boys. Brian: “Hustle and defense wins championships.” True, but it also helps if you have a little talent, and that team you’re coaching has none. But hey, good luck. It’s not like you’re playing against the 92 Bulls. You’re up against 5 guys who have their jerseys turned inside out with a heart drawn sharpie on the front. Not the most intimidating team to say the least. The first half of this game was a hot mess. So lets see, so far on group dates they’ve stripped, sang Boyz II Men, and played basketball. Is there anything these guys can do well other than scarf down protein shakes? And in two weeks we get to see them mime? Lord.
-So at halftime, the score was 6-6. If my math serves me correct, assuming they were playing normal basketball rules and each basket counts for 2 pts, that means three baskets were scored by each team. In a half. Wow. They suck. The game kinda resembled when John Travolta learned how to play basketball in “Grease.” Yes, that bad. Coach Brian got the troops fired up for the second half because they came out smokin’. Although we never saw the scoreboard shown in the 2nd half, according to Andi, the Five of Hearts only had one basket all second half, and Brian’s team wiped the floor with them. Team Rosebuds for the win and they couldn’t be happier. But seriously, do you think for a second that Brian was going to let any team that he was playing on lose? He’s Coach Brian. He speaks in coaching clichés. Not a chance in hell they were gonna lose. Good thing though because my guess is that he would’ve laid into them with a tongue lashing the likes of which we haven’t heard since the Bobby Knight era. You know, like this all-time rant during halftime of a game in the late 80’s (WARNING: Some serious f-bombs dropped in this one):
-The Five of Hearts are completely dejected they lost and don’t get to spend time with Andi. I can’t decide if Josh is about to cry or punch a hole through the wall. He’s pissed. Hey, maybe Nick was right about that temper thing. The Five of Hearts do realize that they’re not all being kicked off the show and will see Andi in a couple days, right? Holy crap. Get your chin up, boys. This isn’t the end of the world. Hey, you gave it your best effort. You know what they say in sports. “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s playing with a sharpie’d rose on your inside out jersey and then getting your ass handed to you by a team with one good player.” Or something like that. Five of Hearts sulks, curses, drink beer, and mope around while Team Rosebuds celebrates by dousing each other in champagne. Do you realize how pissed Andrew was that he didn’t have Patrick there with him to celebrate with a champagne shower? He must’ve been devastated as well. Although he probably got over it quickly knowing that it was only a matter of time before Patrick would go all golden shower on him again. I really see a romance budding here. So nice for them to show us their relationship.
-At the cocktail party, they show us Eric and Andi’s conversation which was absolute foreshadowing for what was to come later. Andi says their relationship isn’t progressing and it’s stalled. Eric says he definitely wanted things to be different. Every time he had with her is so formal and wants just to be normal with her. Andi: “It’s like we can’t keep that flow up.” Eric started to open up more and talk about his family, but this seems to be the crux of their problem. I didn’t understand how Andi could say that Eric didn’t open up to her before that. He told her a story about Syria and him almost dying and having to text his family that he wasn’t gonna make it. He told her about his Global Odyssey project of traveling to 195 countries before 2016, and Andi was totally on board with it. I think it’s safe to say there just wasn’t a romantic connection between the two of them, and they both dug for reasons as to why it wasn’t clicking. Eric most definitely opened up by sharing those stories on their first date, so not really sure where Andi was coming from with that. More on this later.
-Brian took Andi back down to the court because apparently that’s the only place where she finds him sexy and hot. He taught her a few basketball moves which went over horribly since she was dressed in a tight leather dress and had heels she could barely walk in, not to mention she was standing on a slick basketball court. Not quite the workout clothes you need to learn the game of basketball. Andi challenges Brian to make a half court shot. Although nothing is at risk since Brian didn’t make any sort of bet out of it, he makes the half courter and Andi practically melted on the court. She called him hot over and over and completely flabbergasted that someone made a half court shot in basketball. Andi, I know you’re not quite the basketball expert, but it was a half court shot. He didn’t jump over the moon. Lets calm down a tad. Of course, Brian gets nothing out of the date except a hug since he wasn’t ballsy enough to put something on the line for the half court shot. And I don’t care that she referred to Brian as hot, but her referring to him as “coach” 592 times = friend zone. Even though she went straight from the court with Brian to making out with Nick, Brian got the rose since this was his day to shine.