Dr. Reality Steve
Dr. Reality Steve-
First off, thank you for bringing back the doctor. I love reading other peoples situations and your responses always make sense to me.
Here’s my situation. I’ve been dating my husband for 13 years, and we just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary. We started dating in high school, and we were both “jocks.” He played football, baseball, and wrestling, and I played year round soccer and cross country. Being fit has always been really important to me, and I have always played sports, so it’s never been an issue.
When we both went away to college (to the same college), I started running marathons to keep in shape and I’m still an avid runner now at 30, and workout daily. He stopped working out after high school since he wasn’t playing sports anymore. He is really big into golf and bowling now, but other than that, he refuses to work out and over the years, he’s probably put on about 30-40 lbs. He is one of the lucky people that doesn’t look that fat despite being overweight, but definitely out of shape and has a belly, and just generally, not fit nor healthy. He is 29, so it hasn’t caught up to him completely yet, but I know that age doesn’t help when it comes to this, and it will only get worse.
I obviously love him, but over the years, I’m started to find myself less physically attracted. I have tried to get him to go to the gym with me and encourage him that way, and make healthy meals for dinner, etc, but he is one of those people who doesn’t want to work out, so he doesn’t. He is very confident in himself besides being overweight and doesn’t really care what people think. He does work very hard at his job and is successful, and says things like “I work hard all day, I don’t want to go workout and do something I don’t want to do when I’m not at work.”
How do I get him to get back into shape without being a bitch about it or essentially calling him fat? I don’t want to hurt his feelings or let him know that it’s affecting my libido, but it is. I don’t have anywhere near the confidence he has, so I’d be crushed if he ever mentioned my weight- though I work my ass off- literally- to stay fit. I just want to motivate him to get fit and healthy somehow without being mean.
Thanks Dr. Steve!
-Concerned Wife in Chicago (sorry that alliteration sucked)
Comment: Ahhhh, the ol’ the-person-I-married-gained-weight issue. Tough one. Obviously when you married, you said “til death do you part,” but that basically means nothing anymore since the divorce rate in this country hovers around 50%. The person you married on your wedding day doesn’t look the same right now, this wasn’t what you signed up for, and now you don’t know what to do. Comes across as superficial, but really, it isn’t.
Of course you want to be attracted to your spouse. Who wouldn’t? And if they let themselves go after marriage and choose not to live a healthy lifestyle, that affects both of you. I think maybe you do need to be a little bit of a bitch or hard ass to somehow light a fire under him. Because if you don’t, this is going to linger, you will become less and less attracted, your sex life suffers, and then I think your relationship will as well. It’s not only the physical appearance that has essentially turned you off, but I’m sure it’s his lack of motivation as well. Not very attractive that he doesn’t look like what he once used to, but he doesn’t seem to care that he doesn’t. That’s a problem.
I don’t think this is something that you make a comment about here or there. It’s a sit down, here’s-how-I-feel issue. The worse part is he sees you working out and staying healthy, and that still hasn’t motivated him enough. That’s a problem. He basically is content with how things are and doesn’t care, and ultimately, this is gonna drive you nuts. If it bothers you this much now when he’s 29, just think what it’ll be like when he’s 40 if he never exercises in the next 10 years? Not only for your benefit, but for his health, it’s something he should take more pride in.
It goes well beyond “Oh, he doesn’t look attractive anymore.” I get that. He’s lazy, he’s unmotivated, and he doesn’t seem to care about your stance on this. I would try to rectify this as soon as you or else it’s gonna get worse before it gets better.
Dr. Reality Steve,
I have a really close male friend who is great at keeping it real about other guys’ intentions. I just can’t get on board with something he tells me all the time, though, & I’m wondering to what extent you agree. Pretty much any time I tell him a story of a guy going out of his way to do something nice or considerate for me, he chalks it up to “no guy is trying to be nice, they are only trying to sleep with you.” I’m not so naive to think that that’s certainly up high on the priorities of any guy who’s into you, but it can’t always be the only thing, right? What is the distinction these days between someone trying to be a gentleman and a guy who’s just got really good game?
Comment: Hey, we kinda had a question like this on the last page. Every situation is different. You can’t possibly say “all” or “none” to something like this. Of course if a guy flirts, it means he’s interested. He’s interested in you and seeing where it can go, and most likely if there’s reciprocation there, that would involve sex at some point. That’s no secret. I’m sure girls flirt in return because they’re interested as well in seeing where it could go with the guy. Sex probably isn’t the first thing on their mind, but it’s usually in play. Of course, there are some girls out there that just wanna flirt for fun because it’s a game to them, so you do have that.
I just don’t think you can say every guy is being nice because he’s trying to sleep with you. A lot are, but not all. Treat each situation differently. Maybe your friend is just saying that because HE wants to get in your pants. Or already has. Not sure. Could be his motivation.
Dr. Reality Steve,
This is really hard and kinda complicated so hear me out. I won’t make this too long and try to get to the basics. I’m a 23 year old lesbian. I think. I’ve dated boys in the past, but I find myself seriously more attracted to women now. I have some close girlfriends that I think want to experiment but I haven’t had the courage to make a move. And neither have they. But here’s where it gets complicated.
I’m not what you would call a “lipstick lesbian.” Far from it. In fact, I’d rather be a guy. And I think that’s why I’m attracted to women so much now. I grew up with brothers. I played sports. I also choose to always go in to the men’s bathroom because I can pull it off. Yes, no one’s ever questioned me and I’d be shocked if they did.
I’ve read a lot about transgender stuff and am thinking I eventually want to do that, but have no idea how. Or how expensive it is? Bruce Jenner has all the money in the world, so he can easily pay for his (I’m assuming that’s what he’s doing by shaving his Adam’s Apple and growing his hair shoulder length), but I’m 23 years old fresh out of college, and working at Baja Fresh. I don’t have money coming out of my ears.
So long story short, what should I do? I don’t really like being a girl. I think if were a guy, it’d be much easier to have a relationship with a female. I’m too nervous to try anything out on my female friends now because it could completely backfire. Any help you could give would be appreciated. I know this is pretty random and I don’t think you’ve gotten an email like this before, but I figured I’d try.
Comment: Ummmmmmm, I don’t think I’m the right guy to be offering advice on something like this other than talk to those close to you. Does your family know? Would they be accepting? Do they know you’re out? There’s a whole list of questions I can run down, but for this, I’d say talk to family or a doctor. Sorry I couldn’t be of much help. Wish you the best.
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