-The guys arrive in Venice on a boat like they’re the Pirates of the Caribbean. Without the eye patches. And horrible Johnny Depp accents. We see Andi on a gondola in the canals of Venice talking about how excited she is for this week. I’m venturing to guess that Andi’s gondola ride in the actual city of Venice is quite different than the private, 2 person $75 gondola ride at the Venetian in Las Vegas that’s 12-15 minutes. But hey, at least you get to see the Canal Shops and what not, so that’s gotta be worth a few extra bucks, no? Ok, you’re right. Maybe not. Hey look, you know the Venetian is my favorite hotel so I gotta pump it up somehow. And before you ask, no, I’ve never been on the gondola at the Venetian. Nor do I think I ever will. When Andi meets the guys, she says there’s no date card, and the first 1-on-1 starts now. Everyone thinks it’ll be Cody. Man, even Nick knows it. Nick: “There’s zero chance I’m getting the 1-on-1 date.” Translation: He’s getting the 1-on-1 date. Cody isn’t too pleased that he’s been on the show essentially a month at this point and has yet to go on a date with Andi. Cody: “I’m like the pet dog of the group.” Actually no Cody, since I think a pet dog gets more love than you do on this show.
-Already our first commercial break, and it’s the Salon Hair Confidential. Who is it this time? Maybe Emily? Jen Scheft? Jillian? Uhhhhh, no. They plucked Renee from last season. Huh? Did they owe her a favor or something? Or was her hair that bland and boring last season, she needed it the most? Wow. The 4th place finisher on a season panned by critics. Next week are we gonna get Naomi? Maybe Shawntel? How about you throw Kacie B in there (now Kacie Gaston)? I think I get more excited to see which former has been from this show gets to plop themselves on the chair every week to try and act more than I am for the rest of the season. Suave, you’ve outdone yourselves this time. Renee. Wow.
-The next segment was essentially another product placement spot as all the guys arrived at the Abano Grand Hotel and basically gushed about it for a minute. Wait, I thought Mohegan Sun was the nicest place you’ve ever stayed at? Or was it last week in France? Whatever the case, the guys are swingin from the Abano Grand Hotel’s nuts for a little bit so they can get their publicity out this episode they so greatly traded NZK Productions for.
“Make sure the guys say how luxurious our place is.”
“Luxurious, got it.”
“Have them say it’s the most beautiful hotel in the world.”
“Most beautiful hotel, check.”
“And if they could, maybe skip the fact our WiFi costs $25 every 10 minutes.”
Outside on the balcony, Chris & Cody are not discussing WiFi. They are breaking down the fact that Cody is the only guy left who hasn’t gotten a 1-on-1 date, and now Nick has had two. They BS a bit about how Andi chose him a second time because after last week’s blowup, she really needs to find out if he’s worth keeping. Uh huh. Sure, you tell each other that. Or maybe it’s just that she treats Cody like a leper on this show and would rather go on dates with guys she actually likes? Novel concept.
-Nick and Andi are walking the streets of Venice as they let pigeons sit on their head. Isn’t it a form of bad luck if a pigeon sh**s on you? I wonder if basically Nick knew right then, “Awwww sh**, I’m screwed.” Lets stop playing with the pigeons. Feeding the pigeons grew old after about the age of 5. Lets get on to more important things. Like eating. So Nick and Andi get to grub on some pizza. Now that’s more like it. Needless to say pizza in Italy > frog legs in France. Brian must be sobbing at the fact he got stuck in a kitchen with Andi making crap he’s never eaten before while Nick and Andi get to chow down on pizza. In Italy! Brian is totally going to toss a folding chair across the court now. He’s livid. But enough about him. Andi is in Venice and she loves it. Andi: “It’s hard not to fall in love in Venice.” Exactly. Which is why they put you in these unrealistic venues for your first dates with someone. Oh she sure thought she was falling in love. Was she? Of course not. Especially not with Nick.
-Now it’s their turn to take a gondola ride together and Nick is immediately talking about last week and owning up to what a complete douchenozzle he acted towards Cody. I think. I was writing stuff down but all I heard Andi say was she was so happy how Nick opened up about being an ass clown last week, so I just assumed he apologized for acting like a complete dillweed. Seems like everything is squashed from last week now, and these two can move on with their lives. As we all can. Even though Nick the arrogant ass shows his face again tonight at the cocktail party. And then again next week where he rubs more people the wrong way. Pretty much exactly what I told you earlier this season. Came across as a slick salesman to the guys. Chris even uses the word “salesman” next week. And isn’t it ironic that Nick and Andi got to ride in the gondola with the inscription on it? “Don’t fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, but the one who makes the world more beautiful.” That’s great and all, but what E-Card did they steal that from? Is that a Jef Holm special? Am I forgetting or did he use that line in a poem to Emily? Did Jef say anything original that season?
-The night portion of Andi & Nick’s date was a little freaky deeky. And by that I mean, Andi arrived on a gondola wearing an “Eyes Wide Shut” mask. You know, the movie where Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were a real life married couple and people were having sex with masquerade masks on and that essentially led to their divorce. Well, one of the reasons. The other being he’s a complete lunatic who enjoys the same type of company as John Travolta. Andi is wearing a very elegant gown, and Nick has on a tux. Not a Harry Dunn special, but a tux nonetheless. They sit down for dinner, and Nick is pissed. I mean, he is livid I tell ya. A whole plate of food and no Cheetos appetizer? What kind of cuisine is Italy serving here? Homie can
t get a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos with the cool Chester the Cheetah on the front wearing his shades? Disappointing. I’m sorry Nick. I know you chow those things down like they’re your last meal, but in Italy, you get nothing. The least they could’ve done is gotten you some breadsticks from Olive Garden for your troubles. Or the focaccia bread from Macaroni Grill.
-They sit down at dinner and Andi starts the grilling of what went down last week. You know what she’s finds attractive Nick? Well, besides Josh. Andi: “This may seem shallow, but I find it very attractive of a man who others like.” Welp, then I guess you don’t like Nick. On the show, yeah, not too well liked. But that was sooooo two months ago. A quick look at Nick’s Twitter account this past weekend saw that Chris came and visited him in Chicago and they took a bunch of selfies together. So yeah, you can easily dislike someone during the show, but once it’s over, unless you hold major grudges, these guys get over it pretty quickly. And do you honestly think Chris would go visit Nick in Chicago if…forget it. There’s no point. If you don’t believe by now, you never will until the finale airs. Andi also confronts Nick about what he told Cody last week:
Andi: “Do you think you’re a front runner?”
Nick: “I don’t like the word…I will cherish the connection we have and I don’t take it for granted.”
Funny, when Cody asked Nick last week if he thought he was the front runner, Nick had no problem answering. Now when his little girlfriend asks him about it, he goes the politically correct route. Nice try.
-Nick falls in line behind Marcus who’s already beaten him to the punch, but he tells her he’s “definitely falling in love.” Andi: “Good. I like hearing that.” Eeeeeekkk. Could that have been a more snobby answer? I guess if you’re one of her dudes, you might as well bow at her feet and proclaim your love to her at all hours of the day, and then maybe she’ll be pleased with you. Or not. I’m sure she’ll find something else to nitpick at. However, this date couldn’t possibly end with out throwing out the metaphors. Nick felt he opened up a bit and became vulnerable by telling her he’s definitely falling in love. So Andi takes him outside where a mini orchestra is playing, but since they’re in a Masquerade Hall, they must wear their masks to dance. Nick says that he feels it’s appropriate because he feels his mask coming off a little bit by opening up to Andi. And I feel my intestines opening up a little bit as a hurl my dinner all over the floor after hearing you say that. So thank you.