Dr. Reality Steve
Hi Dr. Steve,
I have a friend who’s in an interesting situation and I could really use a guy’s perspective. To put it bluntly, she REALLY wants to get married asap. She’s from a family where the parents really push the idea that you are not successful until you’ve found a husband. She’s had probably 3 “boyfriends” in the past 2 months, all of which haven’t worked out.
She recently met this guy online who seems to be want the same things as her, but the rest of us think something’s a little off. He’s 32 and has never had a girlfriend or hook-up of any sorts (apparently only pecked a girl). He’s pretty religious, and I get that – I am also saving myself for marriage but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my fair share of boyfriends and mild hook-ups.
He claims he’s never dated because he’s been too focused on his career until now. But it seems that now he is not only ready to date, but they’re talking marriage/kids 2 weeks after their first date! It’s like he had no interest in dating/intimacy whatsoever, and now suddenly is ready to get married.
I feel bad for judging him, because he seems nice enough (and I’m sure people find it weird that I’m 25 and have never had sex). I just don’t understand the deal with this guy and my friends and I are not only concerned but just plain confused. Any idea what his story could be?
Comment: Ok, that’s just ridiculous. No, not that he’s 32 and hasn’t had a girlfriend, hasn’t had sex, and has only pecked a girl. More so that he’s 32, hasn’t had a girlfriend, hasn’t had sex, has only pecked AND NOW he’s talking marriage to a girl 2 weeks after their first date. There are really people in the world like this? Really? Yikes. I fear for humanity.
I’m a 23 year old girl just out of grad school. A little over a year ago I met a guy at school and we started dating. He was great. Funny, sweet, considerate, etc. I had really never cared for anyone like I did him. My family lived him and I got along great with his family. Our relationship got pretty serious rather quickly. After we had been dating almost 7 months, things started going downhill. He would call me not even 30 minutes after he got off work already drunk out of his mind. I don’t know why he started drinking so heavily but it happened suddenly and had never been an issue before. It really just shocked me because before that point he had never drank much even socially. But it was happening all the time. I finally told him I couldn’t deal with it and he needed to stop for his own health and well being. He basically told me he wasn’t stopping and if that meant me leaving then so be it. It really broke my heart. I even tried a couple of times to get in touch with him a couple of weeks after he broke it off, but he just ignored me completely. Probably a month later, his cousin (who I never got along with because she was nothing but trouble) posted on Facebook “I just love (his name)’s new girlfriend!! She is so kickass”. I knew at that point he was hanging out with the wrong crowd, but I couldn’t help but be even more heartbroken that he already had another girlfriend. I finally just decided I had to move on. I got a new job, moved to a new city, began dating again. My life was actually going pretty well. I deleted him from my contacts and off of Facebook/instagram/etc. I really wanted to forget him completely. I started dating a new guy who is pretty much perfect on paper. I’m really into him and things have been going great.
Then, a week ago, my ex texted me at 1 am just saying “I miss you.” I had deleted his number but knew right away who it was. I’m not stupid, I realize he was probably drunk, but there was a part of me that was heartbroken all over again. I just don’t understand how he still has such a hold on me. The new guy I’m dating is so good to me, and I really do like him, but the feeling I got when my ex texted me felt like I was right back in the relationship with him again. And for a minute I was even excited he had reached out to me even if he was drunk. Part of me is so curious to know what’s going on in his life, how is his family, etc., but I know that talking to him will just make me want him because he is so charming. I guess I have pretty much answered my own question. I know I shouldn’t get back with him. But I am just wondering if I am ever going to really get over him and not wish things could be the way they were before he started drinking. It kills me to know he’s ruining his life. He has so much potential that he is throwing away. And I feel so sorry for his family. I had gotten so close to them, and it’s hard to know they’re having to deal with him like that. As much as I want to move on and put him completely out of my life, there is just something that keeps me hanging on. I’ve had several tough breakups in my life, but I’ve never felt so held back as I do after this one. It’s been almost 5 months since we broke up. I mean we only dated 7 months. I feel like I should be over him by now. And just when I felt like maybe I was over him, he texts me and all of those feelings came rushing back. It kind of scares me and makes me wonder if I only have two options in life: be hung up on him my whole life or go back to him and deal with alcoholism for the rest of my life. Neither sounds like something I want to do. In an ideal world, when he texted me, I would have been able to see clearly that our break up was for the best. But that’s not what it felt like at all. I had such an ache for the relationship we had, and I knew I missed him too. I need some advice badly.
Comment: You’re 23. I’m not surprised you’re hung up on an ex. Just know that if you take this guy back, and dump the boyfriend you currently like, you will end up disappointed in the end. 100% guaranteed. He drinks, he treated you like dirt by leaving you high and dry on such a quick breakup, and now he wants you when he’s horny. If you don’t see the red flags here, there’s a problem.
I know you think now that you’ll “be hung up on him your whole life,” but you won’t. It just seems that way now. You’ll realize your ways, you’ll realize he’s a zero, you’ll realize you don’t need that drama in your life, and you’ll never get involved with him again. If you do, just know that you know what you’re getting into, so no behavior should surprise you. Just know it probably won’t be a great relationship.
Dear Dr. Reality Steve:
I’m hoping to see a counselor this week to work through some of this, but I really wanted a guy’s perspective too! If you need more details, clarification, whatever- just ask. I’m kind of at the point where I’ll share everything because I’m just so hurt and confused.
Yesterday afternoon, Sunday, my husband of four and a half years asked to talk with me. He had been struggling with something all weekend and wanted to get it off his chest. B went to a coworker’s house on Friday night to play some card games. He, four other guys, and his coworker were there. We’ll call the coworker C. She’s what she calls “pan-sexual,” which to her means that she loves everyone. B has shared in previous conversations that C has sexual relations of various kinds with at least four guys, including her husband.
B said that he was getting the feelings of missing out on something. He didn’t have a “traditional college experience” – his words, which to him means that he didn’t go to a four year school, live on campus, drink, have sex with lots of people, etc. He said after being at C’s house and hearing the stories of the other guys, he had the thought to ask for his birthday an encounter with C. B’s birthday is next month, July 13th. I’ll be out of town the 6th-11th because of church camp (I’m the only female adult going, and I’ll have 20 girls, grades 6-12– think kind thoughts for me!). He would like to have this(these) encounter(s) with her while I’m gone. The struggle comes in, I think, because he’s said in the past that marriage is monogamous. I wholeheartedly believe that- and while I’m not immune to temptation, I haven’t gone so far as to think of all the steps to take to execute something like this. He has.
I guess it comes down to this: what do I do? Do I give him permission to sleep with her, knowing it will do (near) irreparable damage to our relationship? Or do I tell him HELL NO and worry he’ll go behind my back and do it anyway?
Comment: Am I in the Twilight Zone this week? You really needed to ask me if you should let your HUSBAND have sex with another woman while you’re away?
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