-Group date with Chris, Nick, Brian, and Dylan. In case you didn’t know, Dylan is a contestant on Andi’s season. Not sure if any of you knew that. I’m here to help. They go to some ancient ruins then ride rail bikes. I’d never seen or heard of a rail bike before last night, so ummmmm, I guess I learn something new every day. Since Andi is a queen and must be treated like one at all times, she sits in the middle, while the other 4 guys pedal the bike and I’m sure feed her grapes at the same time. The grapes part was edited out for time’s sake. I think. Anyway, this apparently is a long bike ride that Andi had in store for the guys. Andi: “It’s not a short ride. Pace yourselves.” Yeah, that’s what she said. I guess she thinks they’re all two pump chumps or something so she wants to make it known immediately that they need to spend more time perfecting their craft for her to be satisfied. And not tiring themselves out on the bike ride would help too. They arrive at a monastery where she basically tells them they will have blue balls all day since there is no kissing on the premises. Man, what a tease. What kind of date is this? Another note to self: Never go on a date to a monastery. You won’t get any.
-Chris steals Andi away for some alone time and they make pottery together trying to re-enact the scene from “Ghost” and failing miserably. Patrick Swayze is rolling over in his grave watching these two. I mean, think back to that scene last night and tell me if it in any way resemblances this:
Yeah, not quite. Hell, it kinda looked more like this:
RIP Leslie Nielsen. The original “Naked Gun” is one of the 5 funniest movies of all time. No, you can’t argue with me on that. Sorry. Now get off my lawn. Anyway, so yeah, Andi & Chris’ Pottery Barn time wasn’t nearly as exhilarating as those videos is what I’m trying to say. They tried to make it sexy. It didn’t work. There’s nothing sexy about these two together and when we’ve seen her with Josh and Nick, these two just look uncomfortable and forced.
-After getting back from her time with Chris, Andi points out that there is a rose on this date but that not only will the person receiving it be guaranteed a hometown date, but they’ll also be given extra 1-on-1 time with her while the other three will be sent back to the hotel. Man, way to kill Chris’ boner Andi. You sure know how to bring the mood down. So she steals Dylan away for some time and we literally see her ask him one question: “Who would I meet if I went to your hometown?” Dylan says his grandparents and his mom and that they’d have a fun day planned. That’s it. Immediately we’re back to the other three guys sitting around because this episode is focused on Nick and his antics. But thanks for your participation this season Dylan. We barely knew ya’. We have a t-shirt waiting for you in the production van that says, “I got to travel the world with Andi Dorfman but all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
-Brian, Chris, and Nick are sitting around talking about the rose and Nick is confident he’ll get it. Of course he is. He’s been confident about anything and everything since Day 1. Brian: “I don’t respect Nick. He’s fake.” But in case you don’t know, Brian has been all over Nick’s jock strap since the show ended tweeting incessantly about “#TeamNick.” All you need to know is this happens every season. While they were filming did the guys care for Nick? No. They thought he was a slick salesman and they questioned his motives. All of them made that perfectly clear last night. However, they’re guys. Guys hold grudges for maybe 17 minutes. So is it all that surprising they are “buddies” on social media now? It shouldn’t be. We see this all the time. Whether it’s the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” people that have beefs on the show, then make to social media while the show is airing to make it known that they no longer have a beef with that person. Or, at least on the surface make it seem that way. I don’t know why these people do the things they do. Ask them. Nick bothered them on the show, they made it known, then once the show is over, they’re over it and move on. Is what it is but nothing we haven’t seen before. People in this franchise talk sh** about others all the time, then saying something completely opposite on social media. It’s all about perception and feeling the need to be liked. That’s what they do and it goes on waaaaaaaay more often than you think.
-But Brian realizes he’s behind the eight ball that is Nick Viall, so he’s just gonna sell his soul to the producers and lay it all on Andi. It’s his last chance so he comes out all guns blazing. Brian (to Andi): “I legitimately think I’m falling in love with you.” Ummmm, no you’re not Brian. It’s just right before that scene, a producer pulled you aside and probably said something to the effect of, “You know this could be the last chance you get with Andi. Some of the other guys have already stepped up to the plate and told her they loved her. You think she’ll really give you a rose tonight if you haven’t told her how you felt? You probably should.” That’s the way it works on this show. So I’m guessing Brian was more or less pressured into dropping that on Andi even though he’s had one 1-on-1 date with her, we’ve barely seen much interaction between them, and she kisses him like she’d kiss her brother. Or how Josh kissed Brian after he didn’t get the rose at the rose ceremony. You see that? It’s the last episode before hometowns. Every season we get the contestants starting to spill their guts to the lead because they have to do whatever they can to try and convince them they’re more in love with them than they really are. So they say ridiculous things like this. Outside of Dylan, every guy this episode made sure they ramped up their “I’m totally falling in love with you” game with Andi. Wasn’t a coincidence. Dylan was probably just asleep at the wheel and didn’t care. He doesn’t seem to be into this process anyway.
-Nick is at it again. Mr. Arrogance says that “It’s just me. There’s no 2nd or 3rd…she’s going to take me to hometowns.” I’m not sure if any of you are aware of this, but Nick thinks his relationship with Andi is pretty solid. I wasn’t sure if you could tell that by his actions. He then sits down with Andi and, for the second time this episode, someone basically tells her how she’s feeling about him. Nick: “I’ve never felt someone fall…I don’t wanna put words in your mouth…I just feel it.” Translation: You totally want me, I know you totally want me, and I’m totally going to win this thing. Actually, you’re totally not going to win and it’s going to be that much funnier in the end. Remember how I mentioned last week that back in the early 1990 WWF days, there was actually a wrestler named Rick “The Model” Martel who walked around with his cologne called “Arrogance” spraying it on his opponents? Ummmm, I found the footage. This basically sums up wrestling in the 90’s for ya’.
Now yes, that may seem like the silliest, most ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen in your life, but for a 15 year old old me as a freshman in high school watching that, I was traumatized. I think I actually thought that Jake “The Snake” was going to go blind from that. Believe it or not, Jake recovered and it was really only water used in that bottle. Go figure. My point being, this would probably be a hell of a lot more fun to watch Nick on this show if he just went around the hotel spraying Josh, Brian, Dylan, Chris, and Marcus with “Arrogance.” Tell me you wouldn’t be completely entertained by that.
-Needless to say, Nick got the rose on this date, and Brian, Chris, and Dylan are shoved into the back of the van forced to sit in the same row together back to the hotel. Ummmm, can we not get a van with two rows or separate seating? It’s embarrassing enough that Nick is making them all look like punk ass bitches with the amount of screen time and real time he gets with Andi, do they really need to be subjected to this humiliation? If they sat any closer to each other, they’d be able to tell what flavor gum the other was chewing (that was a “Hoosiers” reference for Brian). And after Nick got the rose from Andi, you know what he said in his ITM? Nick: “I feel like she just told me she loves me.” Oh Nick, Nick, Nick. How naïve can one be? Quit overthinking the rose. Unless you get the last rose, does it really matter you got the first impression rose, and had two 1-on-1’s before anyone else? No, it doesn’t. So lets tap the brakes a little on how less important you should feel about getting a group date rose.
-Back at the hotel, the three guys return as Marcus and Josh are sitting in the living room and they tell them that Nick got the rose and they had to come home. And the bitchfest begins on how much all of them don’t like Nick anymore. Marcus calls him a douchebag, Chris says all he does is strategize, he dissects everything that will happen every episode and that “he doesn’t want to be the last guy here, he has other intentions.” Marcus then predicts that if Nick gets to the end, he’ll voluntarily leave. Well that doesn’t happen. We know Andi lets him go. As for how far does Nick make it on the last episode, like, does Andi tell him before the final rose ceremony not to show up like Ali did with Chris and Emily with Arie? That I don’t know. I just know that she’s engaged to Josh. Judging by the plane video, she obviously rejected him which he didn’t agree with and told her, “I disagree.” Whether that was at the “altar” at the final rose ceremony or before that day even happened, I’m not sure.
-But back to Nick basking in all his glory yet again, Andi asks him “What’s been your favorite part so far?” Nick: “Falling in love with you.” Perfect Nick. Right on cue. That’s exactly what she wanted to hear. Again. For the 100th time. Then they broke out into America’s favorite pastime game when you have nothing else to talk about: This or That? You know, where one person lists two things and the person has to choose what they like better between the two? Like, pancakes or waffles? (Tough one. I’ll go with pancakes). Strawberry or grape jelly? (Grape. Not even close). Morning or night? (Ummm, night). I don’t even remember the questions he asked her because I was so hoping he’d drop a “Cheetos or Doritos” on her. He didn’t. Nick, how do you know if this woman can be your wife if she doesn’t share they same undying love for Cheetos as you? That’s like a dealbreaker, you know? What if she doesn’t have posters of Chester the Cheetah all over her wall? What if she likes Cheese Puffs better? Do you realize the long term ramifications this could have on one’s relationship? You need to find these things out before thinking of putting a ring on it. You should know better. With that said, these two kiss some more, and Nick’s ego continues to inflate like a giant balloon.