-We begin by recapping what happened at the end of last week’s rose ceremony when Chris did the gentlemanly thing and gave Michelle his rose
because someone new was showing up because he wanted to have sexy time with Elise in Chicago. Even though he denies he’s ever slept with her, which is about as believable as Chris saying he doesn’t care about this franchise. Which is to say he’s lying through his teeth. A date card is back at the house for Robert. It says “Choose a woman to set sail with you tomorrow.” For some reason, Michelle still has a glimmer of hope that Robert is into her, even though he’d just given his rose to Sarah. Michelle is holding out hope, but to no avail. Robert chooses Sarah for his date and Michelle is back in her room crying that no one wants her. Well, Marquel does. As long as you lay off the booze. And Robert did, like two days ago. But then didn’t. Such is life in “Bachelor in Paradise.”
Date #1: Robert and Sarah
-Before Sarah’s date, she wants her hair done. And hey, look what hair stylist just happens to be at the resort? Michelle Money, that’s who. I wonder if Michelle really gave her the best do’ possible, or if she made it a tad ratty so that Robert wouldn’t be as impressed? This show is turning into one giant commercial for all the clothes Michelle wears and the hair styles she does. Anyone who thinks any of these people didn’t go on the show to promote themselves or their brand is lost. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but lets just call it for what it is. Why do you think these people are constantly tweeting and instagramming companies brands on the jewelry, clothing, and bathing suits they’re wearing during the show? They get free sh** from these companies, and in return they tell their thousands of followers what it is they have on. Smart business model on both ends, just don’t sit there and tell us how much you want to find love. Promoting your brand comes first and foremost for you agreeing to go on this show, and if you get a relationship out of it, it’s just a bonus. That’s what this show has turned into.
-Sarah and Robert’s date is in Playa del Carmen because, well, that’s pretty much where every date has been besides last week’s, right? How many different places can you go within a 100 yard radius of the resort? Yeah lets face it, this show couldn’t be more opposite than the “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” in that aspect. Those shows accentuate the over-the-top romantic dates, and this one basically shows two people sitting at a private dinner for two minutes before going back to the resort and focusing on the drama. Of course for Sarah who doesn’t get asked out much, this is like the greatest date ever…”Oh my God…sooooo coooooolll…hot guy….absolutely breathtaking…” I think from now until the end of time, if two people on a TV show are on a date on a boat, it’s written into their contracts that they must stand at the front of the boat and re-enact Jack and Rose’s “King of the World” from “Titanic.” Lets stop. It’s nauseating. Please. Just…no. And to top it off, these two decided to scream “YOPO!” on top of it, which had Jack Dawson turning over in his grave. Or at the bottom of the ocean.
-Sarah loves being on this date. Sarah loves being on this show. Sarah loves everything. “This is definitely turning into Sarahdise.” Oh geez. Well, you’re gonna have to fight Clare over that one since she already claimed “Clare-adise.” I’m not sure which one of you can claim it as your own, but please, lets settle this as quickly as humanly possible before I lose my lower intestines from throwing up so much. Sarah and Robert go snorkeling and we learn something about Sarah. “The ocean makes me feel really vulnerable.” Vulnerable like she feels like she’s become shark’s prey, or vulnerable in that if the timing were right, she’d have sex in the ocean right now with Robert. Clare said last week she liked Zack’s pheromones. Maybe the Tulum waters have some pheromones in them that are getting Sarah’s lady bits all excited? I have no idea why the ocean makes her feel vulnerable, but hey, I’ll take her word for it. Or maybe it’s the phallic symbol that snorkeling represents, coupled with the pheromones that are making Sarah super giddy. Robert, time to take care of that buddy. This chick has already been on two dates and had one fake kiss from Marcus. You gotta give her a little somethin’ somethin’.
-In a deleted scene from last week, Robert surprised Sarah with some ice cream then these two had some fascinating conversation:
The “tell me one thing I don’t know about you” question was easy, and Robert had a brain fart. How about you tell her you once dated Des’ roommate, then when you showed up on Des’ season and she asked you if you remembered who she was, you said no, which ultimately led to you not getting a rose. Or maybe Sarah already knew that story. Nonetheless, it was funny.