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Bachelor in Paradise

“Bachelor in Paradise” Episode 4 Recap Including When is the Next “Bachelor” Going to be Announced?

-Clare confronts Zack and they have yet another talk. She tells him she rejected Cody’s date because “it’s only fair to give it a shot between us.” She then questions him about other girls. “Jackie comes around and you get so awkward.” Yeah, that’s because he’s looking for a way to pounce on that without you knowing. Duh. But then in the same conversation, somehow Zack has thoroughly convinced her he’s 100% all about Clare and that’s who he wants. Clare has been suckered in yet again by another guy on this show. “Zack has seriously stepped up…” Oh boy. This is not gonna end well tonight. Well, at least for Clare it isn’t. I’m sure Zack was sad Clare left for about, oh I don’t know, 18 seconds before moving in on Jackie. The girl he ultimately wanted in the first place that even Clare called him out on. So Clare has now been bitten twice on this show by guys pretending to like her more than they did. Lets hope she learns her lesson and doesn’t show up again next season. Who am I kidding?

-Oh boy. It’s the return of Kalon. Nobody likes him. Like, nobody. At all. Not even the dudes. But especially Michelle. “He’s an a**hole.” I’m so glad they recapped Kalon’s run on Emily’s season where he called Ricki “baggage” ultimately leading to Emily telling him to “get the f**k out.” Michelle is/was close with Emily at the time and remembered all of it. Even Kalon tweeting a picture at baggage claim once saying he was just waiting for Emily. Ha ha. Hilarious dude. Which made it all the more bizarre Michelle initially agreed to accept his date offer. For what? She hated him from the get-go. Was she really that desperate for someone, anyone to love on her? Apparently. At least for 12 hours she was. She got her head on straight and decided the next morning to tell him she couldn’t accept his date because it would be disrespecting her friend, Emily. Of course, it wasn’t until last night I’m sure that Michelle saw what Kalon said about her with his “I want to zipline right into her t**s” and “I’d motorboat that sh**.” Classy guy he is. Michelle sure thinks so with her tweet last night:


Gee Michelle, tell us how you really feel. Soooooo, you’re saying you don’t like the guy? I can’t tell.

-Kalon then moves on to Jackie and Sarah after calling them “sun lizards.” So, is he just trying to get under everyone’s skin immediately, or it’s just part of his charm? I understand he’s hamming it up for the cameras and loves every bit of attention he gets from this show, but the guy couldn’t come across as more of a douche if he tried. Holy crap. So after Jackie and Sarah reject him, Kalon decides to go on the first 1-on-none date in show history. It was glorious. Talk about an ego stroke for this guy. Kalon: “After 3 seasons, I’m finally going on a date with someone I like.” I’m sure Lindzi Cox appreciated that comment. The fact she fell for this guy, and hard I might add, makes me question her sanity as well. Not to mention she knew he was cheating/had cheated on her, and still wanted him back. Women. Psssshh.

Date #3: Kalon and Himself

-To quote Seth MacFarlane at the Donald Trump Roast, when talking about Donald Trump’s ego, he “videotapes himself masturbating, and then masturbates to that video.” That’s pretty much Kalon in a nutshell for ya’. Kalon goes spelunking at the Cenote Maya. And of course, in true Kalon fashion, he has another brilliant quip for us. “I’ve never rappelled into a giant Mexican hole, but I’ve rappelled into a tight Mexican hole.” That was allowed on network TV before 10:00pm? Hell, it was allowed on network TV at all? Yikes. Good thing Olivia and Nicholas were already sleeping when I came home to watch this. They might’ve been scarred for life. I think Kalon’s goal in life is just to say something offensive every time he appears on TV. He’s basically got it down to a science now. He’s playing a role. I get it. But you can’t say stuff like that on TV, then just claim “Oh, I’m just having fun,” and then expect people to take you serious on anything. He’s a douche and not worth talking about anymore. He’s made it pretty clear what type of guy he is.

-Back at the resort, Jesse Kovacs arrives. Oh yay, another has been from numerous seasons ago that no one cares about. Man, they sure know how to cast em’ this season, don’t they? After declaring in an ITM, “I wanna go on a date with every single girl here,” he asks Jackie. Yes Jesse, we know. We saw your act on the first “Bachelor Pad” where you had sex with Elizabeth Kitt on camera and then treated her like dog sh** and threw her out like yesterday’s trash. Pretty much what we can expect in his treatment of Christy this season. Whether or not they had sex is still up for debate. The show will absolutely make it seem like they did tonight, and will even insinuate a threesome happened with Jesse, Christy, and Lucy. Of course they will. There was no threesome, and I don’t believe there was any sex either. Just some serious, uhhhhh, petting. I think.

Date #4: Jesse and Jackie

-Their date is at Rio Secreto. I have no idea what that is, then again, I’ve never been to Mexico, so I wouldn’t have a clue where any of these places are. I just know it’s not somewhere I plan on going anytime soon. These two get to have a private dinner in a cave. With bats. Lovely. What an awesome date. So he toasts and says that if you toast without making eye contact “apparently it’s 7 years of bad sex.” Ok, can we just stop with these dumb superstitions. No, it’s not. You know why? Because I know I can toast someone, not look in their eyes, and still have great sex. So there. I guess Jesse just needed a talking point to let Jackie know he wants to get in her pants as soon as possible because he’s Jesse Kovacs, and if he’s not having intercourse with a female within 10 minutes of being on TV, he loses his powers. Or something like that. Jackie is falling hook, line, and sinker for his B.S. as you’ll see when she gives him the rose over Marquel at the beginning of the episode. Oh yeah, they also got a private concert from Andrew Ripp, whoever the hell that is. In fact, I don’t give a rip about Ripp. Man, I’m hilarious. I thought of that one all by myself.

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  1. picklesmcgee

    August 26, 2014 at 11:38 AM

    Uhh, pretty sure the ocean makes Sarah feel vulnerable because she only has one arm. I thought that would be an obvious assumption.

  2. bigfatwoman

    August 26, 2014 at 12:18 PM

    I had vowed not to watch this show….but I’ve been glued since episode 1. It is so trashtastic. I love it.

    Answer me this about Sarah…..I think she’s a lovely girl, beautiful inside and out and way too normal for this show….but, does anyone know why she doesn’t wear a prosthetic arm? I’m sure she has her reasons and I’m sure she doesn’t need one to function any better, but aesthetically it would just look so much better. There is nothing gross about her missing arm, it’s just that it’s so distracting to the eye (at least for me).

    I saw Arie’s tweet last night about “have fun at the farm” and I thought, “wow, I was unsure this guy was a douche, but he certainly just confirmed it.” What a sore loser.

  3. ashleigh11

    August 26, 2014 at 12:46 PM

    AshLee’s apology to Clare might have sounded a little more sincere if she hadn’t wandered away for it muttering under her breath that she’s such a b*tch. I think AshLee has learned how to meticulously fake that she’s a nice and classy person, but she just isn’t. And all of that after Clare gave up her date with Graham to placate sourpuss AshLee on day one. I’m glad Clare called her out on it. That was incredibly shady of her and a pretty low blow.

    Re Kalon – I actually thought he was pretty hilarious. He’s not a guy you’d date (sadly, I know this after having dated a Kalon clone for years), but he’s good TV and he nailed every cheesy romantic one-liner cliche perfectly. I also love the charity work he does for shelters and animal rescues with GiveBones in his private life, so he’s not a bad guy – just a bad romantic prospect.

    Even though BIP is a total gong-show, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I’m thoroughly enjoying it.

  4. JovisMom

    August 26, 2014 at 12:58 PM

    bigfatwoman – I know we have disagreed w\ things in the past but I agree 1000% with you on the Sara deal.
    She seems very sweet and I have also wondered why she doesn’t wear a prosthetic arm… I have a feeling that perhaps she does own one but the show asked her not to wear it for the show for the “drama”… No sure.

  5. oyoung1117

    August 26, 2014 at 3:08 PM

    About Sarah and her lack of a prosthetic. I think when a person is really self-conscious about something, thinking that somehow you can hide it on some level is really inhibiting. You are always afraid of the moment your secret “gets out” and you feel like you are lying about who you are because you are ashamed of it. But the moment you allow yourself to come out of hiding–you are free. Terrified and still probably pretty self-conscious, but free. You don’t have to worry about the moment someone realizes you don’t have an arm, they recognize it the moment they see you. It is who you are and you are okay with it.

  6. rob22

    August 26, 2014 at 3:34 PM

    The thing is with Sarah is that if you’re going to go with the stump rather than a prosthetic, then you really need a little attitude behind it…. Or add a little humor, or something. If you go with the stump and then are super self conscious, then you come across as someone who you have to tippy toe around and constantly build up or the insecurities will constantly surface. Guys are instantly going to feel awkward, typically…. And especially on this show where guys have the depth of a kiddie pool…. If it really bothers Sarah as much as it seems to, and I don’t blame her at all for feeling insecure, I’m sure most of us would feel that way…. Well, then go with the prosthetic and feel comfortable. I find myself wondering if she does have a prosthetic and the producers bullied her into not wearing it. That would explain a lot for me.

  7. cjscjs711

    August 26, 2014 at 9:04 PM

    I’m sure Sarah has her reasons for not having or wearing a prosthesis. Outside of wearing a long-sleeved shirt, I’m not sure there’s much she could do about the obviousness of it. I don’t know if she’s ever discussed the details of it but I actually think it would be interesting to hear. Maybe she doesn’t want to seem like a poster child for disabilities, but just like this discussion – we’re clueless about the options or problems.

  8. shari253

    August 27, 2014 at 12:59 AM

    I think that the reason Sarah does not wear a prosthetic arm is that she was born with her arm the way it is. She has been this way her whole life. It is different than someone who lost their arm in an accident or military service. I agree that her partial arm is a bit disconcerting but I admire her courage to be free of a prosthetic.

  9. Scout

    August 27, 2014 at 8:00 AM

    RE: Sarah and a prosthetic.
    I don’t know why, nor do I actually care, but I follow her on social media and I’ve never seen her with one. So I don’t think its a producer thing. What I do think may be producer manipulation would be getting her to talk about it. ie: “oh sarah, don’t you feel like your one arm gives you limitations? don’t you feel insecure. you’re different because you have one arm” and then get her reaction. She probably doesn’t even think about it in her day to day life because, like shari253 said, she was born without it.

  10. rob22

    August 27, 2014 at 11:03 AM

    Scout, good point. I’m sure the producers dig into her insecurities pretty hard. I feel for the girl. The Bachelor franchise, especially BIP is completely wrong for her. But, just because she seems sweet and lost an arm, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t enjoy the attention and notoriety just like everyone else. And because she only has one arm, people are more inclined to go easy on her. So she avoids the sledgehammers delivered via social media that most everyone else has to endure.

  11. molliebsmith

    August 27, 2014 at 1:14 PM

    thoughts on this week’s episode:
    kalon’s date was the funniest part
    poor marquel

  12. Cndgirl

    August 27, 2014 at 5:44 PM

    Maybe this is our opportunity to explore with ourselves why we feel uncomfortable about Sarah. I’m also a little uneasy, but I’ve been trying to think about that, and understand what that means about me and about what I see – I don’t think the solution should be that Sarah should get a prosthetic so the rest of the world feels more comfortable. I give her full props about being vulnerable and putting it out there – whatever her reasoning is.

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