Reality Steve

Bachelor in Paradise

“Bachelor in Paradise” Episode 5 Recap Including the Official Announcement of Chris As the “Bachelor”

The worst kept secret in America was made official this morning on “Good Morning America” when Chris Soules was officially named the “Bachelor,” as Arie sat in his two bedroom condo with his roommate and probably threw a burrito at the TV set. Don’t let Arie’s tweets fool you. He’s PISSED he didn’t get the gig. The show can claim all they want how they didn’t decide until the last couple days, as Chris Harrison is trying to sell everyone on, but lets face the facts. When I mentioned in Andi’s episode-by-episode spoilers back on May 13th it was Chris’s gig, and then he ends up getting the gig three months later, do you honestly think I was just taking a random stab in the dark it was him? They wanted him, he wanted to do it, and he got it. If Chris Harrison wants to argue semantics with me all day long, then so be it. Bottom line was I told you over 3 months ago it’d be him, and it is. Marquel was never a serious candidate, neither was Nick, and Arie was thrown out there just to drive conversation about the show. They were never going to give him the gig, despite him thinking he actually had a chance.

As I say every season, the lead does not make the show. The 25 women, the dates, the travel, the locations, the over-the-top buffoonery and all that the “Bachelor” has come to represent over the past 11 years and 28 seasons is what people will come back and watch for. Look, I don’t care if you don’t like Chris as the “Bachelor” and aren’t going to watch. Not my concern. And frantically telling people on social media how upset you are at this choice is falling on deaf ears. No one cares that you’re not going to watch a show. This is a job to me. I really don’t care who they cast in the lead role because my job is make fun of it and spoil it. That’s what I do. I’m not interested in who he has a connection with, or will some girl move to Iowa or whatever. I don’t care. He said this morning he’s willing to compromise on that, so his job will be to sell America on if he really is willing to do that. My guess is no, but hey, that’s just me. And they don’t need to find someone to move to Iowa for this to work with the viewing audience. They just need to convince someone to pretend that they’re interested in moving, and that’ll do just fine.

Memo to all the women appearing on Chris’ season. If you really are going on the show to advance your modeling career, or you just want to be able to hook up with other guys in the franchise (which will inevitably happen), or you want to be in tabloid magazine, or just want more Twitter and Instagram followers, or you just want to be the next “Bachelorette,” just at least pretend you’re interested in moving to Iowa. The second you get called out as the girl not there for the right reasons, there go your “Bachelorette” chances. You have to be likable, make the top 4, not piss people off in the house, do what the producers say, and at least pretend to have an amazing connection with Chris. That’ll improve your chances, I promise. Good luck to you all. I will be revealing some of you in the near future. So pretty soon, all of Juan Pablo’s girls can kiss their 15 minutes goodbye, since they will be yesterday’s news once I start revealing Chris’ girls, and all the horndogs from other seasons can start pouncing. You’re welcome.

Speaking of yesterday’s news, looks Elise has finally given up her dream of being famous as she’s decided to go back to teaching. Ahhhhh, the children are our future. And now we have a former Yule Log Hottie and “Bachelorette” skank helping them to achieve their dreams. Only in America. I wonder how many parents are thrilled this chick is handling their kids right now? Can’t say I’d be all that jazzed about it.

Overnight ratings from last night are in, and BIP stayed consistent with what they’ve been doing. Same 1.3 in the 18-49 demo, and a little more than 4.8 million viewers last night. Only 2 weeks left in the show, so I expect the last 2 episodes will probably draw over 5 million each. Almost every episode this season has drawn more than any one episode of “Bachelor Pad 3,” so that’s a positive for them.

“Reader Emails” and “Dr. Reality Steve” is a little light right now, so if you want an email answered tomorrow, get them in by the end of the day and I’m sure they’ll appear.

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  1. mkk2

    August 27, 2014 at 12:26 PM

    Robert told Lacy he was romantic when she asked him whether he was or not on their date.

  2. bigfatwoman

    August 27, 2014 at 12:58 PM

    ^^^^^ comment above……huh?

    I think Jesse Kovacs is one nasty looking dude. Perhaps his greasy personality clouds my opinion, but he does nothing for me except make me want to take a shower.

    Lucy needs to do herself a favor and dump the whole free spirit schtick. There is nothing sexy about her prancing around naked. She comes off as vapid and trying way too hard.

  3. mush

    August 27, 2014 at 1:12 PM

    I hope Lucy was paid by the show to act the way she did and that shes really not like that. she was even too sleezy and weird for hornball jesse.

  4. angelfish

    August 27, 2014 at 1:49 PM

    Yay for the announcement! I’m really looking forward to this season. I think Chris is going to surprise a lot of people.

    And to the folks huffing & puffing “I’m not going to watch!” or “I’m done with this show!”, just go ahead and get that new screen name ready.

    Because you know you WILL watch. And we KNOW you will watch. And you WILL need to comment. And when you show up posting, after swearing you won’t, you will be the biggest lying liar that ever lied. *ROFL*

  5. mush

    August 27, 2014 at 5:00 PM

    I said I wouldn’t watch andis season and I didn’t. just read the recaps and commented here, but I will watch chris soules season. I think he’ll surprise us with some whimsical behavior.

  6. mush

    August 27, 2014 at 5:01 PM

    also, didn’t anyone see that deleted scene from andis season that steve posted in his recaps, with chris soules dancing out a scene from Night at the Roxbury? he is funny.

  7. mariet

    August 27, 2014 at 5:40 PM

    I have been meaning to go back and find this story ever since Sarah was on the first time (Sean’s season). Thought you all might find it interesting.

  8. angelfish

    August 27, 2014 at 5:42 PM

    That makes no sense to me, mush. Just reading the recaps. Why bother? It’s like throwing the candy bar away and just licking the wrapper. Is it a time thing, or no access to a TV or computer? I just don’t get it. If somebody doesn’t care, then they don’t care. Is not watching the actual episodes some kind of “line in the sand” between a waste of time and a productive activity?

    And yes, the video of Chris dancing was adorable. As I said, I think he’s going to surprise some people.

  9. sarajuliet

    August 28, 2014 at 6:35 AM

    Steve, thoughts on Andi signing with the PR company?

  10. rob22

    August 28, 2014 at 6:41 AM

    Well, I suppose Chris could be OK. Maybe he could whip up some corn mash for the overnights. A good blackout evening could provide hilarity the morning after like with Andi and Huan Pah-Blow. I suppose they could go to the local chicken wing stand for a picnic lunch and pick up some 40s, drive through the corn fields doing donuts, and creating crop formations. Maybe Chris could get into a drunken altercation at the local billiards establishment defending someone’s honor. So, there are salvageable possibilities here. And certainly the girls trying to dress the part in jean shorts and tank tops would be a pleasant diversion. I guess I’m talking myself into liking Chris as The Bachelor. Really the best seasons were when they had total tools, idiots, or both as The Bachelor. Everyone’s still referencing JP Blow and there was a recent popular book written about Ben Flatdick. So, maybe MF does know what he’s doing…. Though I’d have to say that Arie could have been a triple threat with the likelihood that he’d additionally sleep with most of the contestants and shatter Bob Guinney’s revered and sacred record. OK, that’s it. I’m all in!

  11. Justalittlefan

    August 28, 2014 at 7:21 AM

    Ok – so I used to really like reading Reality Steve’s column – but lately, the language toward women is unacceptable. Calling Elise a “skank” and saying he wouldn’t trust his kids with her? A bit much, I think. The light joking about how quickly she falls for a guy is fine – but the rest is uncalled for. Then there is the constant reference to women’s breasts (Lacy) and rear ends (Ashlee), totally misogyntistic. So with that, I’m done reading. I’d rather read Sharlene Joynt’s, lighthearted but not mean spirited. Good luck Steve, and perhaps take a lesson in charm school – not cool.

  12. Justalittlefan

    August 28, 2014 at 7:24 AM

    Forgot the comments about Sarah and men not looking happy after being with her. Pretty crappy Steve, you’re going down the path of bullying – very unkind and unnecessary.

  13. rob22

    August 28, 2014 at 9:04 AM

    For the record, I’m surprised the “skank” comment took so long to appear. When I saw it, I thought “oh-oh”, the ladies aren’t going to like that. I must have missed the Sarah must be bad in he sack comment…. assuming that’s what justalittlefan was saying in her above comment. I guess I’ll have to stop skimming so much. Yeah, that would be a little harsh. But, I don’t think that type of comment is anything new in this blog. RS definitely rankles the feathers pretty regularly with the stuff he writes. I doubt that will be something he’ll change.

  14. bpfan

    September 5, 2014 at 1:01 PM

    Anyone else notice the tags still hanging on Lacy’s dress during the puking scene? Funny to see she didn’t cut them.

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