-We begin with Chris on his farm in Iowa, doing dirty work, telling us about life in a small town, hanging out with family, telling us his family owns 6,000 acres of land in Iowa, and I believe he was eating grass. Or hay. Or corn. Hell if I know what he was doing. I’ve never been on a farm in my life. And oh yeah, in case you didn’t know because they’ve kept it pretty much a mystery at this point, but Chris is a farmer. I know. I was stunned to see that too. He lives in a small town and he doesn’t meet a lot of women, therefore doing something like the “Bachelor” really will open his eyes to meeting women he never would’ve met otherwise. They skip over the fact the guy was once engaged and it was called off close to the wedding date, but eh…details. Don’t want to let the facts get in the way of a good story now, do we?
-The video montage really did nothing to help us understand why Chris doesn’t meet women. I mean, when you sit on the steps of a bank that opened in the 1800’s waving at cars as they drive by, you look like a homeless sap who’s going to be single forever. That was supposed to depict life in a small town? Shoot me now. Have fun in Arlington, Whitney. Looks like a real blast. I’m sure once Arlington gets running water, electricity, a gas station, grocery store, and a movie theater, you’ll be excited beyond belief. Until then, don’t burn down the farm when you’re lighting candles and lanterns to help you see and throwing coal into the furnace to keep you warm.
-Chris can’t help himself because, well, he’s the “Bachelor” and immediately spits out a lame metaphor to begin the season. “Love is a lot like farming…plant a seed, hope it grows, sometimes the weather isn’t on your side, but with luck something beautiful can come from it.” I don’t want to say that there will be a lot of farming references this season, but FarmersOnly.com’s stock price set a Dow record yesterday by jumping 187 points. Ok, I’m kidding. I’m kidding in that that didn’t happen, but I’m not kidding when I say I have no idea if that sentence even makes any sense. Sounded good, so I wrote it. I don’t play the stock market. Sorry.
-Chris continues on telling us how this is such a rare opportunity for him, but it comes during harvest season, so he’s leaving at the most important time for his family business, and that’s a big deal. If you thought “journey,” “connection,” and “here for the right reasons,” are the key words and phrases to throw into any “Bachelor” drinking game, you might wanna add “harvest” for this particular season. Holy crap. How many times did he say “harvest” last night? 713? I’m not going to begin to even pretend I know how important harvest season is to a farmer, I’ve just been told it is. But if it wasn’t something other people in his family couldn’t have taken care of while he was gone (which they obviously did), then him leaving just this ONE time during his 33 years on the planet I’m sure will be ok. Lets not pretend that his whole family is gonna lose their 6,000 acres of land and they’ll be eating off the floor and drinking out of jugs because Chris left for two months to film the show. Yes, harvest is important. We get it. Lets just not harp on it all season since you were able to film the show and as far as I know, you still own every bit of land as you did before you left. I’m guessing he’ll be ok.
No point in re-writing these. This next section through the end of the page is what I wrote in Dec. 30th’s column regarding the 7 intro videos that were shown to us.
-In the past, they’ve put more of them up on ABC’s website after the first episode aired, so maybe they’ll do that again. But this season, they just showed 7. Here they were:
Britt: The 27 year old waitress from Hollywood tells us that the last relationship she was in was for 3 years, and they never had sex (cough…bullsh**…cough). “I’m a very touchy person. I’m a feeler.” Yeah, but no sex for 3 years. Got it. They show Britt walking Hollywood & Highland carrying a little piece of paper that says “Free Hugs” as she walks around giving random strangers free hugs. This is a theme throughout the episode with her.
Jillian: A 25 year old national news producer who is doing back handsprings on the grass in Washington D.C. I wonder if it’s in the same location Lesley Murphy stood outside holding a “Sean & Lesley 2016” poster? Whatever the case, Jillian likes to work out. And hard. She could probably kick Juan Pablo’s ass. She says she can probably dead lift more than most guys she knows, and judging from the video, she’s probably right. I’ll predict that Jillian will fireman carry Chris once he inevitably dumps her.
Amanda: 24 year old ballet teacher from Lake of the Hills, Ill. We even hear the producer ask her, “Why are you still single?” Her response? “Can I say because I’m f***ing crazy?” Amanda then proceeds to tell us she’s currently living at home with her mom. Why? “I like not paying bills, I don’t cook, and I don’t like cleaning.” Wonderful first impression, Amanda. I’m sure guys will be lining up around the corner wanting to get with you.
Whitney: 29 year old fertility nurse from Chicago, Ill. Look, you know the deal on her by now if you’ve been reading this site the last 3 months. What I will say is that you might want to prepare yourselves for Whitney’s voice. It’s very baby-ish, it’s very high pitched, and quite nasally. I know you absolutely think I’m exaggerating. I don’t think I am. Of course like anything, we all have our likes and dislikes. Some of you will think it’s annoying, some of you will be fine by it, and some of you will be driven up a f***ing wall by it. It’s that different. It almost sounds cartoonish to me. I’m just warning you. I can’t think of any former contestant in the history of this show that sounds like her, and it’s not even close.
Mackenzie: She’s 21 years old and a dental assistant from Maple Valley, WA. She tells us she already has a man in her life, and that’s her son Kale. 21, already with a kid, already posted pictures on Instagram since she got back from filming with her baby daddy that she’s since deleted once I pointed it out. Next.
Alissa: A 24 year old flight attendant from New Jersey, with easily the cheesiest intro video we’ve seen in years. They show her giving her air waitress speech at the front of the plane (even though I’m sure it’s a fake plane set and the cameras never actually went on a real plane, with real passengers, heading to a real location and had her spew out this nonsense). Some of things she says:
“Smoking is not permitted on this aircraft, unless you’re smoking hot. Hey Chris.”
“Roses may be handed out if you’re interested in continuing this journey to find love.”
“And if you aren’t here for the right reasons, your nearest exit may be in the limo behind you.”
Kelsey: She’s 25 from Austin, TX and is a school counselor. Her big thing is she’s been a widow for 1 year and 4 months as her husband suddenly died one day when his heart stopped as he was walking to work. She tells us she does believe soulmates exist and “you can meet more than one soulmate.” Wait, isn’t that completely contradictory? I thought soulmate meant there’s one person for everyone? Or have I completely been oblivious to the definition of soulmates my whole life?