Reality Steve

The Bachelor 19 - Chris

The “Bachelor” Chris Episode 1 Recap Including Next Week’s Dates

-We begin with Chris on his farm in Iowa, doing dirty work, telling us about life in a small town, hanging out with family, telling us his family owns 6,000 acres of land in Iowa, and I believe he was eating grass. Or hay. Or corn. Hell if I know what he was doing. I’ve never been on a farm in my life. And oh yeah, in case you didn’t know because they’ve kept it pretty much a mystery at this point, but Chris is a farmer. I know. I was stunned to see that too. He lives in a small town and he doesn’t meet a lot of women, therefore doing something like the “Bachelor” really will open his eyes to meeting women he never would’ve met otherwise. They skip over the fact the guy was once engaged and it was called off close to the wedding date, but eh…details. Don’t want to let the facts get in the way of a good story now, do we?

-The video montage really did nothing to help us understand why Chris doesn’t meet women. I mean, when you sit on the steps of a bank that opened in the 1800’s waving at cars as they drive by, you look like a homeless sap who’s going to be single forever. That was supposed to depict life in a small town? Shoot me now. Have fun in Arlington, Whitney. Looks like a real blast. I’m sure once Arlington gets running water, electricity, a gas station, grocery store, and a movie theater, you’ll be excited beyond belief. Until then, don’t burn down the farm when you’re lighting candles and lanterns to help you see and throwing coal into the furnace to keep you warm.

-Chris can’t help himself because, well, he’s the “Bachelor” and immediately spits out a lame metaphor to begin the season. “Love is a lot like farming…plant a seed, hope it grows, sometimes the weather isn’t on your side, but with luck something beautiful can come from it.” I don’t want to say that there will be a lot of farming references this season, but FarmersOnly.com’s stock price set a Dow record yesterday by jumping 187 points. Ok, I’m kidding. I’m kidding in that that didn’t happen, but I’m not kidding when I say I have no idea if that sentence even makes any sense. Sounded good, so I wrote it. I don’t play the stock market. Sorry.

-Chris continues on telling us how this is such a rare opportunity for him, but it comes during harvest season, so he’s leaving at the most important time for his family business, and that’s a big deal. If you thought “journey,” “connection,” and “here for the right reasons,” are the key words and phrases to throw into any “Bachelor” drinking game, you might wanna add “harvest” for this particular season. Holy crap. How many times did he say “harvest” last night? 713? I’m not going to begin to even pretend I know how important harvest season is to a farmer, I’ve just been told it is. But if it wasn’t something other people in his family couldn’t have taken care of while he was gone (which they obviously did), then him leaving just this ONE time during his 33 years on the planet I’m sure will be ok. Lets not pretend that his whole family is gonna lose their 6,000 acres of land and they’ll be eating off the floor and drinking out of jugs because Chris left for two months to film the show. Yes, harvest is important. We get it. Lets just not harp on it all season since you were able to film the show and as far as I know, you still own every bit of land as you did before you left. I’m guessing he’ll be ok.

No point in re-writing these. This next section through the end of the page is what I wrote in Dec. 30th’s column regarding the 7 intro videos that were shown to us.

-In the past, they’ve put more of them up on ABC’s website after the first episode aired, so maybe they’ll do that again. But this season, they just showed 7. Here they were:

Britt: The 27 year old waitress from Hollywood tells us that the last relationship she was in was for 3 years, and they never had sex (cough…bullsh**…cough). “I’m a very touchy person. I’m a feeler.” Yeah, but no sex for 3 years. Got it. They show Britt walking Hollywood & Highland carrying a little piece of paper that says “Free Hugs” as she walks around giving random strangers free hugs. This is a theme throughout the episode with her.

Jillian: A 25 year old national news producer who is doing back handsprings on the grass in Washington D.C. I wonder if it’s in the same location Lesley Murphy stood outside holding a “Sean & Lesley 2016” poster? Whatever the case, Jillian likes to work out. And hard. She could probably kick Juan Pablo’s ass. She says she can probably dead lift more than most guys she knows, and judging from the video, she’s probably right. I’ll predict that Jillian will fireman carry Chris once he inevitably dumps her.

Amanda: 24 year old ballet teacher from Lake of the Hills, Ill. We even hear the producer ask her, “Why are you still single?” Her response? “Can I say because I’m f***ing crazy?” Amanda then proceeds to tell us she’s currently living at home with her mom. Why? “I like not paying bills, I don’t cook, and I don’t like cleaning.” Wonderful first impression, Amanda. I’m sure guys will be lining up around the corner wanting to get with you.

Whitney: 29 year old fertility nurse from Chicago, Ill. Look, you know the deal on her by now if you’ve been reading this site the last 3 months. What I will say is that you might want to prepare yourselves for Whitney’s voice. It’s very baby-ish, it’s very high pitched, and quite nasally. I know you absolutely think I’m exaggerating. I don’t think I am. Of course like anything, we all have our likes and dislikes. Some of you will think it’s annoying, some of you will be fine by it, and some of you will be driven up a f***ing wall by it. It’s that different. It almost sounds cartoonish to me. I’m just warning you. I can’t think of any former contestant in the history of this show that sounds like her, and it’s not even close.

Mackenzie: She’s 21 years old and a dental assistant from Maple Valley, WA. She tells us she already has a man in her life, and that’s her son Kale. 21, already with a kid, already posted pictures on Instagram since she got back from filming with her baby daddy that she’s since deleted once I pointed it out. Next.

Alissa: A 24 year old flight attendant from New Jersey, with easily the cheesiest intro video we’ve seen in years. They show her giving her air waitress speech at the front of the plane (even though I’m sure it’s a fake plane set and the cameras never actually went on a real plane, with real passengers, heading to a real location and had her spew out this nonsense). Some of things she says:

“Smoking is not permitted on this aircraft, unless you’re smoking hot. Hey Chris.”
“Roses may be handed out if you’re interested in continuing this journey to find love.”
“And if you aren’t here for the right reasons, your nearest exit may be in the limo behind you.”

Barf.

Kelsey: She’s 25 from Austin, TX and is a school counselor. Her big thing is she’s been a widow for 1 year and 4 months as her husband suddenly died one day when his heart stopped as he was walking to work. She tells us she does believe soulmates exist and “you can meet more than one soulmate.” Wait, isn’t that completely contradictory? I thought soulmate meant there’s one person for everyone? Or have I completely been oblivious to the definition of soulmates my whole life?

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21 Comments

21 Comments

  1. heliofan

    January 6, 2015 at 1:36 PM

    As an alumnus of THE Ohio State University, I won’t be watching next week. Will DVR and watch on Tuesday. Go Bucks!

  2. rob22

    January 6, 2015 at 2:15 PM

    I couldn’t make it past the first little bit. I did see Josh being led around by the collar. And I woke up briefly to see Brooks out himself with an “I Love Chris” sign. Good job Brooks. Be loud, be proud. But seriously, this show is a great solution for insomnia. I slept better last night than I have in a month. I’ve seen the drunk ho routine before. I didn’t need to see it again. Nothing else of much interest. I did wake up and catch Whitney for a sec. Her voice was a little odd, but it didn’t bother me that much. It may be one of those things that starts to get to you after a while. I had a girlfriend once that giggled incessantly. At first it was cute. Then is was tolerable. Then it was I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Maybe that’s the way it will be with Whitney.

  3. jezziebezzie

    January 6, 2015 at 2:34 PM

    ABC has to be happy with last nights ratings over last year considering the ad spends side by side…
    I don’t recall seeing more than a couple of ads for Farmer Te…er, Chris. Compare that to how much they put into that ridiculous “Juan-uary” Campaign they did, which…to my sadistic delight…blew up in their faces & gave them ZERO payoff in return.

  4. kmril

    January 6, 2015 at 4:03 PM

    I watched this show with my daughters who are in college last night. We like to read your final four first and then watch. I like Chris more than I thought I would. I just don’t see many of these girls being the “farming” type. Whitney’s voice is so annoying. I can’t believe she wins based on her voice. Kim Kardashion look a like acts just like Kim. They need to change the format or something though. 3 hours was way too long! Maybe have first impression rose chosen by tweets or add a rose chosen by viewers. It’s just so boring and the edits are pretty obvious. That one girl can’t help it if she has big eyes. That was so mean! My youngest daughter only lasted 11/2 hours and couldn’t take it anymore. The promos about something happening during the rose ceremony were bogus as usual. I usually start watching when the number of women dwindles down to 10 or so. Just watched last night because my girls were home. Impressions: Chris isn’t as bad as I thought. The women are pretty but obviously desire fame not farming. Thankful I can read your site – makes watching a little better.

  5. lcs85

    January 6, 2015 at 4:49 PM

    @Kmril Only the studio audience part of last night was live. Filming finished months ago, so it would be impossible to have people at home watching choose who should get the first impression rose or an extra rose. Unless they have a time machine to use for next year, now that would be a gimmick to get people to watch. Not like they need ways to get people to watch though…

    The girl with big eyes could kind of help it. She was basically opening up her eyes as wide as possible and staring at Chris. It was creepy. I’m guessing someone once told her that her eyes are her best feature, so she tries to make them as noticeable as possible.

  6. ladyjane747

    January 6, 2015 at 7:15 PM

    I don’t really think the whole Juanuary thing or even choosing JP DID blow up in their faces. His was one of the highest rated Bachelors ever – just look at RS’s numbers in this column. They don’t care that everyone hated him and he didn’t propose – more controversy, more people talking about it, more people watching = more money.

  7. bazooka

    January 6, 2015 at 9:08 PM

    Anyone else notice it was light outside by the time they did the exit shots after the rose ceremony? That’s brutal!

  8. deedee99

    January 7, 2015 at 1:45 AM

    Britt didn’t say she dated someone for 3 years and they did not have sex…she said that her last relationship was 3 years ago, and they did not have sex.
    I’m paraphrasing…

    She could’ve been with the guy only weeks or months, who knows?

  9. arco5986

    January 7, 2015 at 6:31 AM

    Just curious, is Whitney’s nose job speculation or fact? The pictures of pre-nose job were posted 30 weeks ago on Instagram it says, and 29 weeks ago for post-nose job. This wouldn’t really make sense since it takes longer than a week to heal (i.e. take off bandage & not have bruises and swelling) from a nose job. I’m guessing it’s just the angles.

  10. erolyn

    January 7, 2015 at 7:36 AM

    I honestly didn’t believe “crazy eyes” were a thing until I saw Ashley S.’s face. She has the CRAZIEST EYES I have ever seen.

  11. ccc312

    January 7, 2015 at 10:01 AM

    @arco5986 The date someone posts a photo on Instragram is not directly correlated to the date that particular photo was taken. She’s clearly had a nose job. I don’t think it’s a big deal, though. It definitely gives her a more refined, elegant appearance. (She likely had a hyponasal quality to her her voice prior to rhinoplasty, but it likely made it worse, considering how much the nasal cavity was narrowed.)

  12. sunday

    January 7, 2015 at 10:13 AM

    I had to laugh at the whole ‘red carpet’ theme last night! Could they get any more over the top? The crowd standing on the red carpet consisted of past bachelor and bachelorette contestants who were supposed to be interested in who Chris Harrison was talking to during interviews…however, instead they ignored him and only looked his way when propmted by Chris after he said “Give it up for Nicki” (or whoever). Then they turned around and clapped quickly, then went right back to talking to each other. That was a cluster-you-know-what! The one horrible thing that stayed stuck in my mind though was after the premier, Chris H. asked Michelle Money what she thought of Britt (the waitress) and all Michelle had to say was that she heard Britt never took a shower (or something to that affect) OMG! That girl’s claws are long! What a rude remark. I think M. Money is messed up in the head, personally.

  13. rob22

    January 7, 2015 at 10:33 AM

    The whole Faux Red Carpet thing is just a ripoff of a typical Corporate America gadget. They invite their clients to events, have a red carpet, and employees act as paparazzi and fans. Nobody at the event, of course, is famous, a paparazzi or a fan. It’s just all contrived to look that way. Everyone is coached ahead of time on how to act. It’s pretty stupid really, but clients seem to enjoy the attention…. just like the ex-Bachelor contestants love the attention. That’s the only reason they’re there, of course. When you get an opportunity to extend your 15 minutes, you take it. I mean Brooks? He’s known for getting to the F2 and bailing out in an epic cry-fest (leading to an epic RS fail), being suspected of being gay in the gayest Bachelor ever, and for liking to nail older women (Mommy issues?). That’s not exactly fame to be proud of. But there he was. Butt-kowski was there too…. gag…. signing autographs. I mean really? How does this guy keep getting invites? Who is he blowing that keeps getting him these gigs?

  14. kelly5

    January 7, 2015 at 12:27 PM

    Wow, when I read in the recap that Chris H slapped Farmer Chris across the face, I thought Reality Steve made it up! I thought this season is so boring, now RS is throwing random stuff in there to make it more interesting. So I was actually surprised and had to rewind and watch the awkwardness twice when it happened on the show. What the heck was that? I would’ve edited it out.

  15. karynr

    January 7, 2015 at 2:22 PM

    Don’t have time to write my thoughts yet….just watched it last night.

    But I totally agree with you Rob. Why are we still being subjected to Puke-owski. I had just eaten dinner and it made me kind of nauseous to see his sleazy face again.

    That red carpet event was so funny.

    More later.

  16. juicylipz29

    January 7, 2015 at 4:06 PM

    The red carpet was a waste of time..No one cares about these past contestants they all hungry for fame…And i agreed with you steve nikki did got a boob job.

  17. tamara

    January 7, 2015 at 8:51 PM

    Whom else was on the red carpet? I couldn’t remember some of them. I think I saw Dylan.

  18. bachelorfan4ever

    January 8, 2015 at 7:27 AM

    I wasn’t surprised that Brittany Fetkin didn’t get a rose, maybe Chris was thinking, she might have a boyfriend back home lol, following in the footsteps of bachelorette contestant wrestler Justin “Rated R” Rego. Whenever anyone in the entertainment industry comes on the show it casts a shadow of doubt that they are really there for love.

  19. sweething

    January 8, 2015 at 12:45 PM

    You know I love your blog tremendously! You are rarely wrong! 😉
    However, Brit said the “last time she was in a relationship was 3 years ago and they didn’t have intimacy” That’s a little different than “3 years in a relationship without intimacy” Although it is possible! You know my 3 beautiful daughters and Tenley and their stories 🙂

  20. cjscjs711

    January 8, 2015 at 2:15 PM

    That Chris had the ‘luck’ to be engaged once before really says nothing about current prospects in a small town. Not to mention that your pool of serious partners gets smaller with age, even for men over 30. The guy obviously wants a big family so for that his best bet is a woman under 30. Just the way fertility works. So he’d really have to go driving around searching other cities to try to find a connection.

    Andi/Josh remark about not really planning the wedding sounded like trouble and he acted like he could hardly wait till it was over (I was hoping, the Red Carpet, but guess it was more…) and Andi was stroking his back as though for one of the last times.

    I’d been so over-prepared for Whitney’s voice that when I finally heard it, it didn’t sound as bad as I’d imagined. She’s one who should really look into voice therapy. It would help her and the people around her more than I think she realizes.

    The eyes – as a photographer I see that type of wide-eye in amateurs often. If cameramen really cared, they’d have told her to relax her eyes – that’s what we usually do. Instead they moved in with a wide angle to exaggerate them for television.

  21. pattycakes

    January 8, 2015 at 2:59 PM

    Nikki had the boob job before going on the bachelor. Can’t believe you didn’t notice. Just FYI. 🙂

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