-So now that everyone is in the mansion, Chris starts getting more alone time with “The Others” and some of the girls from the first batch. The one that stood out the most was Kaitlyn because she had taken off her dress and put leggings on so she could teach Chris how to breakdance. Chris sees Kaitlyn as the wild child this season. Called her a “firecracker,” but definitely into her.
-Carly told Chris that she looked up weird laws online in Iowa and she found out that you can’t be an ice cream truck owner in Iowa. I have no idea if that’s true or not, but that’s what she told him. And we remember Carly from her brother Zak’s hometown date with Des when he showed her the family snow cone business. I want her to bust out that mini karaoke machine later on this season so I can hear the girls belting “I Will Survive.” Isn’t that the universal “girl power” song that every drunken flock of women will sing on Karaoke Night? Or is it just the theme song to 90% of sorority houses in the United States? One of the two.
-They cut to a conversation between Britt and Amber asking “Who do you think is the crazy one?” From there, they immediately cut to Ashley S. who is giving an ITM outside the mansion talking about how “everyone is an onion…and there’s layers…and you peel back the layers…” blah blah blah. Then we see Ashley interrupting Chris and Brittany’s conversation to talk to him. Ashley tells him she wrote on a bucket list she wants to run through a sunflower field. And ride a horse. All things she could do with Chris. Oh yeah, in case you haven’t noticed, Ashley S. is bat sh** crazy. Then we see a shot of her back talking in her ITM outside and going on and on about onions and how she’s obsessed with him. She looks to her right, and swears she sees an onion growing in the plants. So much so, that she tells the camera to pan over there as she walks over and picks the onion off the tree, only to realize it’s a pomegranate. She’s a couple sandwiches short of a picnic, no doubt.
-All while Chris is mingling with girls, Tara is getting shmammered. She lets us know that her three best friends are “Jameson, Johnny Walker, and Jack Daniels.” Thanks for that Tara, we could kinda figure that out by now considering you’ve been mainlining alcohol since you stepped foot in the mansion.
-Jade tells Chris the story of when she first moved to LA, the second day she was there, she went to 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica. Coming from a small town in Nebraska, she never had to deal with traffic like that before, so after driving around for an hour looking for parking, she turned around and drove home and cried because she couldn’t find a spot. I guess that was her way to try and melt Chris’ heart and tell her she has the roots of a small town girl so they could relate. I’m sure it did. Until, you know, he saw her hoo-ha spread eagle on the internet then realized he probably made the right decision.
-Chris gives Britt the first impression rose in the least shocking reveal of the episode. And they kiss. Quite a few times. Only girl he kissed that night. Britt tells him: “This is gonna be trouble. I actually really like you.” Uh huh. Just setting the stage for Britt’s exit and clear path to being the “Bachelorette.” If there was one major storyline to pull from the first episode it’s that Britt Nilsson absolutely nailed her audition to be the next “Bachelorette.” Attractive, likable, gave a lot of hugs, and basically just checked off every box in what they’re looking for. Sure we’re a couple months away from it being announced and certainly things can change, but after one episode, it damn well looks like it’s gonna be her at this point.
-Rose ceremony time. Is this the first time a rose ceremony has started, and Chris Harrison isn’t standing there giving a mini speech before introducing the lead? I think it is. We see both Chris’ behind the curtains so to speak, talking about what he’s gonna do before he goes out, then Chris Soules walks out by himself. Not a major deal, but different. And by the way, this whole Chris and Chris thing is gonna bother me to no end this season. Yes, I know you’ll all know who I’m talking about most of the time when I say “Chris,” but still, it’s f***ing annoying. Never cast another lead with the name of Chris ever again please. Thank you.
-Farmer Chris, the floor is yours. “Want to thank all of you…truly amazing women…gut wrenching…nothing feels good about letting anyone go home…well, except for the chicks that wanted to talk to me tonight but producers wouldn’t let them because they knew they were just night one fillers.”
Britt already has a rose. Chris gives the next 13 roses to Kaitlyn, Jade, Samantha, Ashley I., Tandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Megan, Alissa, Amber, Juelia, Becca and Trina. He takes a break because Tara’s hot messedness is beginning to play out. She can barely stand up, she is stomping her feet, her eyes are rolling back in her head, and she’s sweating whiskey. Not a good combo. Farmer Chris goes and talks to Host Chris (there, I’ll just do that) and says he was gonna give her a rose, but she’s stinking drunk now and doesn’t know what to do. Obviously she was kept on for entertainment purposes, lets not kid ourselves. Farmer Chris continues with the roses. Next batch goes to: Mackenzie, Tracy, Tara, Jordan, Jillian, Whitney, and Carly, with the final rose going to Ashley S. Onion girl. In reality, of course it made no sense. But in TV sense, of course there was no way Ashley S. was getting sent home. She’s TV gold. And if you don’t think “Bachelor in Paradise” is in her future, you don’t pay attention to this show.
In my column yesterday, I was only solid on 19 of the 22 that made it through last night. Those 19 ended up being right. My 3 guesses were Jordan, Brittany, and Amanda. Ended up being Jordan, Alissa, and Jillian. Damn. I had those girls last week. Oh well. 20 out of 22 ain’t bad. I should’ve thought that 3 girls they gave intro videos to wouldn’t get eliminated. Stupid me.
Not much about any of the girls leaving that was overly dramatic, except Kimberly says she wants to go back inside and talk to him. This is where they cut it off and leave us with a “cliffhanger” for next week. You know already from back on page 1 that he ends up keeping Kimberly. 5 girls get eliminated next week. My guesses as of now will be: Tandra, Alissa, Jordan, Jillian, and Tara. Of course, if I get any new information this week, I’ll be sure to share it on Thursday or tweet it out. See you then.
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