Reality Steve

Dr. Reality Steve

“Reader Emails,”& “Dr. Reality Steve”

Dr. Reality Steve

Dear Steve,

I know you aren’t doing Dr. Steve emails right now but I have a guy question that is bugging me.

A little back story:

I met this guy 3 months ago through a mutual support group. I thought he was cute from the get go but didn’t want to rush anything. We saw each other everyday at meetings and it felt like he was flirting with me. We went out to eat, just the two of us a few times, and he paid. We would hug hello and goodbye. Then he text me one day and asked if I knew he wasn’t looking to date anyone. That got me nervous and paranoid, like am I being overly flirtatious? So it got awkward for a few days, but then we talked about it and everything was back to normal.

Back story on him: he’s been divorced 2 times and just got out of a 2 year relationship about 6 or 7 months ago. He doesn’t seem to have a lot of confidence in himself relationship wise.

Continuing on: We started going out to eat, the two of us or groups, and spending time with each other. He text me one night that he was sorry we couldn’t hang out because he ended up hanging out with some other people but next time it could be just us. But then he would act casual when we were face to face. We talked about not doing the friends with benefits thing, but did end up having sex twice now. The second time was the day after he hurt his knee which I thought was quite ambitious. That was 3 weeks ago. We haven’t talked about the sex thing since then. I took care of him for the week after he hurt his knee, getting food and stuff for him, going to see him and hang out, etc. Since then we hang out almost every day, and he texts me during the day asking how my day is going. He also thanked me for being such a good friend. And, last week I was having a rough day. He had text me earlier in the day (the “how’s the day going” text), and I told him what was going on. Then he text me that night to see how I was and I ended up going over to his house to talk to him about it. And, he has been cooking supper for us a lot too. He usually pays.

A friend of ours asked me one day what’s going on with us. She basically was asking if we are dating. I said no, we’re just friends. I told him what I told my friend, that we’re just good friends who hang out a lot.

So, my paranoid brain has some questions:

1. Is he sending me mixed signals? Like, does he like me but he’s not sure about how he feels? He’s told me before that he’s not sure where this will go, and he doesn’t know what he wants. He wants friends with benefits.

2. Did I make a bad move telling him about my conversation with our friend? I basically laughed it off while telling him because I didn’t want him to think I was still pining over him. Trying to act casual about it. I think it was fine that you told him that you told your friend what was going on. The fact he knows you told your friend “we’re just good friends who hang out a lot” and didn’t try and refute that or say “Is that all we are” to me tells me he’s happy with where things are. Not to mention, you probably shouldn’t be jumping into anything with a guy twice divorced and 6 months removed from an additional 2 year relationship.

3. This whole sex thing is bugging me. I feel like he’s second guessing having sex in the first place, but I don’t know how to ask him about it. If you want to see where you stand in the relationship you have to ask. If you don’t ask about the relationship, then the sex thing probably isn’t going to come up either. Either just continue on the way things are going now and give him more time since he seems to hint that he doesn’t want anything right now, or, bring it up and see how he reacts. Can’t get what you want without asking.

Hopefully I gave you enough information, but if not please feel free to reply with questions. I like this guy, but I don’t want to pressure him into a relationship. And, he’s told me before that he doesn’t want another relationship, but I feel like I’m getting signals that he likes me as more than a friend. Thoroughly confused.

Looking forward to any insight you might have.
_________________________________________________________

Hi Dr. Steve,

So essentially I am in love in my colleague who is much older than me – I am in my late twenties and he’s in his late 40s. He is not married nor does he have kids. He is not my boss or immediate supervisor but we do work in the same department and sometimes closely together on tasks. Also, he works in our Boston office while I work out of NYC. Despite most of the above factors not being in my favor, it’s been about a year that I have had these feelings, and sometimes he sends signals that I believe may indicate they may be reciprocated. While he’s always kept it professional, we have numerous inside jokes together, are very chatty and jokey on the phone and via email, he’s never shy to compliment me or my work, he likes when I review his own work, and I know for a fact that he doesn’t speak to anyone else the way he speaks to me. Last week when he was sick with bronchitis, he emailed me just to apologize for not being chatty this week and that even speaking on the phone is physically exhausting (he did NOT have to do that). I know he would not have sent anyone else an email like that. Nor does he have inside jokes with others. Usually his emails to others are quite banal. Sometimes I push the buttons with him to get him to open up (full-court press let’s call it), sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t. Also, may I add that I am an attractive female. Anyways, while it’s impossible to know what’s going on in his head (for all I know this could all simply be admiration/respect for me as a colleague), it’s becoming an enormous strain for me not to say anything to him about it. I realize the risks involved, and the litany of reasons as to why I shouldn’t. I could even envision a situation where he responds with shock and concern, before politely telling me nothing can happen. However I’m not afraid of rejection, I just want to get it off my chest already. Perhaps his rejection would even allow me to manage my expectations enough for my feelings to dissipate. As long as my job does not get put in jeopardy, I’m okay with telling him. Based on all the above, do you think there is a chance feelings are reciprocated? Do you think it would be preposterous and moronic to tell him how I feel?
Thanks Doc.

Comment: I can’t say one way or another exactly what he’s thinking or if I think the feelings will be reciprocated. I don’t know the guy. But one sentence stuck out to me that you wrote: “However, I’m not afraid of rejection…” Well then you should do it. Unless this will somehow jeopardize your career and/or your current job, if it’s bothering you that much, then say something.

With that said, my only concern is that he’s in his late 40’s, never been married, and has no kids. That screams to me someone that has no intention of doing either. Is that something you want to get involved in if he is accepting of your advances? What if he’s just horny old man that wants some arm candy? Be careful of that.


But if it doesn’t bother you if you’re rejected, then you might as well say something.
_________________________________________________________

Hey,

Long time no chat. I’ll try to make this quick, bc Lord knows I can write a novel:

I’ve been dating a guy for 4 months…his family loves me, and I love them. He’s head over heels and so am I. I made the mistake of telling him that I want complete honesty from him at all costs. I know he has issues with his filter, but I’m at a breaking point. He pointed out to me every single woman he ever had a thing for / hooked up with at work, church, wherever. Considering we go to the same church, I have to face these women – and it’s ALL of them (in our age group). I’m so uncomfortable being there because all I can see when I see them is the images of the past. I know you’re supposed to let go of the past, and he’s with me, therefore I shouldn’t be a pansy – but this is where it get’s worse: He keeps having dreams about these same women. And the dreams tend to be of sexual nature. He also describes them as if the women are coming after him and he’s trying to deny them. He says that he started having dreams bc we started fighting about these women. Then he told me that one in particular has been on his mind – on 2 separate occasions in the last 4-5 months we’ve been together. He also says that he’s bad at explaining stuff bc he makes it sound worse than it is.

I know he’s had a learning disability throughout his elementary/high school/college life, so I suppose it makes sense. But now his stories don’t even line up, and it’s stupid stuff. For ex, one night, when he was working, I was hanging out with our mutual friends and bc of a certain topic, it slipped out of my mouth that he liked every single woman in the church, and he exploded at me when I told him about it. Mind you, they were kind of on his side, telling me to let it go. I couldn’t understand why he was reacting the way he was, and then he told me he liked this black girl, who happens to be one of our mutual friends in the group. She’s dating somebody else and, quite frankly, I’ve never seen them talk or anything that would cause me to even be concerned. The contradiction is that when we first started dating and doing the small talk, he said that he generally isn’t into black girls but now all of a sudden, after I “hurt” him by saying that one comment, he decides that he liked this woman and that he generally DOES like black women. Look, whatever floats your boat, but the inconsistency of what he says is killing me. Especially since he told me he pointed everyone out, and now all of a sudden he forgets about this one. When we first started dating, he made the comment that if I were to ever cheat on him, he would forgive me. Now that I threatened to break up with him bc this girl keeps floating in his mind, he told me he would break up with me too if roles were reversed. A part of me thinks he’s insecure so he’s making stuff up to get me jealous. Another part of me thinks I’m the insecure one and I need to learn how to deal with it. The more this sh*t keeps happening, the less I want to be with him and, quite frankly, I don’t think I deserve that. I’m not one for horoscopes but even our “signs” say we will have a “short-lived” relationship. I just need a guy’s opinion. What do you think?

P.S. I’m writing only because you’ve convinced me with this: I’ve been voted the best relationship expert by a reality show blogger. Granted, I’m the only one who voted, but still. I’m here to help.

Comment: Well immediately, lets forget what signs you are. I think that stuff is garbage and anyone who puts any stock into whether or not they’re gonna be with someone based on how the sun and the moon line up is a bit looney.

I’m still a little confused actually as to why he’s telling you he’s having dreams about women that all hang out in your circles. What’s the point of that? Seems a bit immature to do that. And not only just casually telling you he had dreams about them, but going into sexual detail? This guy is a moron.

The fact he told you he would forgive you if you ever cheated on him is a red flag. That doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe he could say he’d forgive you, but your relationship would never be the same.

This guy is kind of a head case. Seems to be a little too much drama in his life and seems like a horrible communicator. Not because of anything astrological, but I don’t see it lasting long between you two. This is all just weird.
_________________________________________________________

Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.

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17 Comments

17 Comments

  1. angelfish

    January 8, 2015 at 11:57 AM

    Whitney’s tweet is cute. Proves she either has a decent sense of humor, or a little snark in her soul. Good for her either way.

    I’m a little confused on how Chris’ sisters would have gotten the “Jade is a Playboy-posing skank” info to him, unless they learned it from her during the makeover. Or did they just not like her & tell him to ditch her?

    Too cold here in Florida to make sense of it, my brain is freezing…*LOL*

  2. lcs85

    January 8, 2015 at 12:02 PM

    Just went and looked at episode one exit interviews from seasons 14-Current. Season 14 was the only other season where it was light outside during the exit interviews. Season 15 looked like the sun was just about to come out and 16-18 it was still dark out.

    So no Steve, your readers don’t have short term memories. It is not like that every season.

  3. rob22

    January 8, 2015 at 1:38 PM

    angelfish: yeah, I’m not sure either. The F4 Rose Ceremony is right after home towns. So, Chris would have been in THEIR home towns and wouldn’t have seen his family, right? I’m a little unclear whether The Bachelor is kept in total radio silence during the process (no cell phones, or at least monitored conversations), or whether (if there is radio silence) that eases for the F4/F3 as everyone is back state side. So, I gather what RS is saying is that a family member/friend could have called Chris after RS published the Jade pics/vids and told him that Jade is twirling her landing strip on camera…. and presumably that convo caused Chris to dump her.

  4. kokopuff2144

    January 8, 2015 at 2:21 PM

    Oh Steve, either you knew this was coming or you called it exactly right: Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray have split. Saw it coming, especially Monday night when she was groping all over him and his body language wanted out of there ASAP. Good call!

  5. angelfish

    January 8, 2015 at 2:55 PM

    And all the Nick Viall fans are dancing in the streets!

  6. bazooka

    January 8, 2015 at 3:44 PM

    Thank you @lcs85

  7. juicylipz29

    January 8, 2015 at 4:14 PM

    I knew they were not gonna last …and that interview they did on the red carpet had so many red flags. Next please

  8. missannmcd

    January 8, 2015 at 5:16 PM

    I had a look at some of Jade’s photos and is it me or does anyone else think her vajay jay looks well used and even saggy? lol I’m over 50 and mine looks a lot prettier than that! rofl!

  9. lcs85

    January 8, 2015 at 7:25 PM

    @Missannmcd Not all vulvas look alike. Some labia minoras are longer then the labia majoria. It has nothing to do with the amount of sex you’ve had. If that was the case I would think most 50 year olds would Be saggy.

    Although I would think most 50 year olds are mature enough to use correct terminology for their body parts

  10. Dianne

    January 9, 2015 at 10:23 AM

    Annnnnd..it’s official. Andi and Josh are done, done and done. Amazing how they kept it looking all hunky-dory on Monday, then 3 days later..boom!

  11. keddo

    January 9, 2015 at 10:51 AM

    Last (3rd) Dr. Reality Steve letter writer:

    Your request for complete honesty at all costs, including his thoughts about his romantic interest in other women was a completely bad idea. A much better request to make is that he never lie to you and that he never intentionally misleads you. If the two of you attend a Bible-preaching church, you know that all of us are by nature sinners and the only way for an otherwise mentally healthy Christian to make significant progress in fighting that is to regularly be in His Word and in prayer. THAT is the place for us to confess our temptations, especially if they don’t lead to an outward expression. It may also help for us to talk to a mature fellow Christian (of a gender that we are not romantically/sexually attracted to) to help us deal with this.

    People who have been happily married for years or even decades still find themselves attracted to people other than their spouses. This is completely natural and is not in and of itself sinful. Sometimes this is fleeting, and sometimes it can be an attraction to a particular person that lasts for years. The key to dealing with this while remaining faithful is to NOT dwell on these thoughts when they happen, and to NEVER let these thoughts lead to an external expression that either the spouse or the object of attraction are aware of. To do otherwise at best leads to the kind of angst that you are experiencing, and at worst leads to infidelity and everything that flows out of that. By asking him about his attractions, you are forcing him to remember those feelings and to dwell on them, and are placing a stumbling block in front of his feet.

  12. rob22

    January 9, 2015 at 12:22 PM

    Agree with all on Andi and Josh. Josh is not a very good actor. He was clearly uncomfortable and wanted to be somewhere else. While Andi, who also knew they were already done, was able to fake it up big, just like she did in her season. Boy, she really turned out to be a manipulative phony. It made for good TV during her season, but I’ll bet Josh had more than enough of it. Off camera I imagine she’d be intolerable. A phony, lawyer, wanna be celeb. If that not the holy trinity of awfulness, I don’t know what is.

  13. rob22

    January 9, 2015 at 12:27 PM

    As for Chris, I think he’s a decent guy, but just because he Has money, that doesn’t mean he’s super sharp. He looked completely befuddled repeatedly on night one. I suspect this will be a theme throughout the show. He’s in way over his head. I don’t really mean this in a bad way. To really own the moment you have to be a straight up phony like Andi. He’s not that. I think he really believes he’ll find a wife and I hope he and Whitney will be very happy together.

  14. missannmcd

    January 9, 2015 at 7:32 PM

    cs85 All I can say is ROFL! Yeah, like I’m gonna go around saying “labia minora” and “labia majoria”! Bwahahaha! Well, the proper naming for

  15. lcs85

    January 9, 2015 at 8:16 PM

    @Missannmcd I was commenting on the fact that you needed to call it a “Vajay jay”. Seems like something a teenager who can’t say the proper name without giggling would say.

    But then I also wouldn’t think a 50 year old would be slut shaming someone over something they can’t control. By 50 you probably have had enough sex to realize that your “vajay jay” doesn’t get saggy and stretched out from.

  16. cjscjs711

    January 9, 2015 at 8:43 PM

    Looking at those pictures of Jade makes me feel sad for her that she did this. I think it’s going to close more doors for her than it will open because I don’t think she’s very good at this. Granted, the photographer may not be the best, not very good, but she herself is not sexy at all in most of them. Looks very posed, forced, and canned.

  17. Sunnyside422

    January 11, 2015 at 8:42 AM

    Bet despite his adoration of Andi, bet Josh and and his family just could not get passed her “test driving” Nick as well as Josh. Not a supporter of all three of them, so not surprised they failed…and even sooner than those media hounds Juanny and his now former big boobed idiot girlfriend!

    Agree that even though Chris may be wealthy, his family has the money also so he may not be the sharpest knife in the box. Definitely picked the most unattractive girl out of all he had to choose from.

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