-When the show began, I was shocked to see Jimmy Kimmel appearing in Chris’ room and waking him up. I mean, I wish the show would’ve promoted it more that Jimmy Kimmel was essentially co-hosting this episode. Can they give us a little heads up maybe? At least tell us about it or something. Look, Jimmy Kimmel has actually helped this show in many ways over the years. Can’t say I’m the least bit surprised they let him do that for an episode. Kinda shocked it didn’t happen sooner. This season definitely changed things up in terms of how they did certain things. Having a comedian and popular late night talk show host co-host an episode is one of them. I can see why they did it, and I’ve always said the reason why this show is so ridiculous (among other reasons), is that they take themselves too seriously. Last night, they didn’t. When you can poke fun at yourselves, mention things that are usually taboo (sex on the overnight dates), then you’re kind letting everyone peek behind the curtain so to speak. So in that aspect, I actually thought it was a brilliant idea to change it up early in the season, since we’re at a point where there’s so many girls, not many people know who is who.
-With that said, I think Chris Soules has a man crush on Jimmy Kimmel. I’ve been listening to Kimmel every since he was the sports guy on KROQ for the “Kevin & Bean” show. He’s been around forever, and those that grew up in Southern California knew of him well before “The Man Show” days, the “Comedy Central Roasts,” and now his late night talk show. Kimmel is very funny. He and Jimmy Fallon have the best late night bits going on TV. From his “twerking fail” prank, to his Halloween candy pranks, to Cousin Sal’s Man on the Street interviews, he’s got a good thing going. But the way Chris Soules was giggling uncontrollably at every word out of his mouth was kinda disturbing. And no, not just because it wasn’t nearly as funny as Chris was making it out to be. But that laugh. My GOD, that laugh. Could it be any more high pitched and girly? Didn’t think so. So he has no upper lip and now has a machine gun laugh that’ll make a dogs ears ring. Unfortunate.
-So Jimmy introduces himself to the girls and tells them they’ll have an Amazing Jar, where people have to put a $1 in every time they utter the word amazing this week. Before any of you ask, of course the money filled up at the end of the episode wasn’t really put in by the girls. C’mon. Jimmy hands out the first date card, and it goes to Kaitlyn. He disguises it by writing it to sound like it’ll be something extravagant, when in reality, we all saw the previews at the end of last week’s episode, and we knew they went to Costco. So that basically did nothing. Although, that may have been the first time anyone ever took a limo to shop at Costco. Here’s my issue with stores like Costco, Sam’s Club, etc. I don’t need that many of what you’re selling. Ever. Granted, I’m just one person and I understand a family of say, 4 or 5 needs to buy things in bulk, but even then, those things are so ginormous, does anyone ever really go through everything they get from Costco? Didn’t think so. Best part of Costco? Their giant slice of pizza I’ll get, even if I’m only in the store for 5 minutes to get one item. I don’t shop there a lot. Can probably count on one hand how many times I’ve actually gone in there for myself. But I always get a slice of pizza. Always. Good on you, Costco.
-So basically Chris and Kaitlyn walked up and down the aisle shopping for food for a BBQ they were having later that night back at Chris’ place where Jimmy was gonna join them. He gave them his grocery list to stock up on things, and no, I don’t know or care whether or not those items were actually ever purchased. Not sure why you needed 50 things when all you were doing was grilling steaks. But hey, it’s television so they had to spice it up a bit. We found out that Kaitlyn likes ketchup. Like, tons of ketchup. On everything. I’ll just chalk that up to her being Canadian for no reason whatsoever. She just seems like a ketchup girl. Wasn’t the other known Canadian from this franchise, Jillian, obsessed with hot dog toppings too? Must be something in the bagged milk up there, eh hoser? These two then rolled around the aisles in an inflatable ball pushed by little kids. Granted, it wasn’t quite the zorbing that they did last season in New Zealand with Juan Pablo, but, the point was the same. Squeeze two people into an inflatable ball so they’d eventually kiss. And they did. So subtle.
-Once back at Chris’ place, they start to grill out. Kaitlyn thinks that there “isn’t anything more romantic than cooking dinner together.” Kaitlyn, I can think of a half a hundred:
1) Long walks on the beach
2) Candlelit dinners
3) Staring lovingly into each others eyes
4) Writing each other poetry
5) Having sex while cooking dinner together
I’ll just stop there. You get my point. Chris tells her he leads one of the “least glamorous lifestyles.” Kaitlyn, in her best lying voice she can, “That’s what I actually like about you.” Look, we know none of these girls cast are ever gonna come on and say, “Yeah, I’m not into the whole farmer thing. I can’t see it at all. Not really the type of guy I’m into, nor will I ever be. I just don’t see it between us.” I get it. But it is funny what people will say in the moment when they know that’s exactly what Chris wants to hear. You like that he’s a farmer and lives in Bumblef**k, Iowa in the middle of nowhere, which is not really a hop, skip, and a jump from Canada? Really? Sure you don’t.
-One thing I applaud Kaitlyn for is calling Chris out for his girly laugh. We needed that. Someone had to do it, and it might as well be the girl who has a deeper laugh than him. Actually, pretty much every girl in that house has a deeper laugh than Chris. Maybe except Whitney. Do you think the sound these two make during sex is equivalent to a tea kettle?
That’s what I thought. Man, I would hate to be Chris & Whitney’s neighbors.
-Jimmy comes and interrupts Chris and Kaitlyn mid make out, although, with that much lipstick on, do you really want a full on make out? Easy there Taylor Swift. We don’t need the full tube of bright red lipstick all plastered on at once. Kimmel gets down and dirty and starts asking the questions we all want to know. Basically asked her if Chris ends up picking her in the end, and they’re watching these episodes back and she sees he went into the fantasy suite with all three girls, would she be mad if she found out he had sex with all three? Kaitlyn: “I think that is to be assumed…no, I wouldn’t. I can’t be. It’s part of the process. You can’t take out the car without test driving it.” And that ladies and gentleman is why Becca was dumped at the altar. In 19 seasons of this show, has any male lead ever picked a virgin? No. Will they ever? No. We’ve had two known virgins get to the final two: Sadie from Prince Lorenzo’s season and now Becca. It’s just not gonna happen. Sorry ladies. But here’s a nice chastity belt for participating this season. You can engrave Chris’ name on it if you want.
-They then jump in the hot tub to make out some more, all while Jimmy stays in there with them and eats wings. Or whatever the hell he was eating. Is there a reason Chris and Kaitlyn pecked away at each other like they were trying to eat bird feed? What the hell was that? I mean, maybe Chris knew he was in for a week of sucking face with practically every girl on the show this week so he wanted to try something different with Kaitlyn, but that was just bizarre. You’re not a pigeon, Chris. You’re a man. Kiss her like you mean it. Hell, you practically fell to your death making out with Ashley I. on the balcony and you kiss Kaitlyn, who’s on top you ready, willing, and able in her bikini in the hot tub, like she’s got food on her face. Disturbing. Maybe his lack of an upper lip really gets in the way of him trying to kiss someone like a normal human being. I don’t know. But I was half expecting Kaitlyn to emerge from that hot tub with a bloody face after all that nonsense.