Reality Steve

The Bachelor 19 - Chris

The “Bachelor” Episode 3 Recap Including Proof the Wedding Crashing Was Staged

-When the show began, I was shocked to see Jimmy Kimmel appearing in Chris’ room and waking him up. I mean, I wish the show would’ve promoted it more that Jimmy Kimmel was essentially co-hosting this episode. Can they give us a little heads up maybe? At least tell us about it or something. Look, Jimmy Kimmel has actually helped this show in many ways over the years. Can’t say I’m the least bit surprised they let him do that for an episode. Kinda shocked it didn’t happen sooner. This season definitely changed things up in terms of how they did certain things. Having a comedian and popular late night talk show host co-host an episode is one of them. I can see why they did it, and I’ve always said the reason why this show is so ridiculous (among other reasons), is that they take themselves too seriously. Last night, they didn’t. When you can poke fun at yourselves, mention things that are usually taboo (sex on the overnight dates), then you’re kind letting everyone peek behind the curtain so to speak. So in that aspect, I actually thought it was a brilliant idea to change it up early in the season, since we’re at a point where there’s so many girls, not many people know who is who.

-With that said, I think Chris Soules has a man crush on Jimmy Kimmel. I’ve been listening to Kimmel every since he was the sports guy on KROQ for the “Kevin & Bean” show. He’s been around forever, and those that grew up in Southern California knew of him well before “The Man Show” days, the “Comedy Central Roasts,” and now his late night talk show. Kimmel is very funny. He and Jimmy Fallon have the best late night bits going on TV. From his “twerking fail” prank, to his Halloween candy pranks, to Cousin Sal’s Man on the Street interviews, he’s got a good thing going. But the way Chris Soules was giggling uncontrollably at every word out of his mouth was kinda disturbing. And no, not just because it wasn’t nearly as funny as Chris was making it out to be. But that laugh. My GOD, that laugh. Could it be any more high pitched and girly? Didn’t think so. So he has no upper lip and now has a machine gun laugh that’ll make a dogs ears ring. Unfortunate.

-So Jimmy introduces himself to the girls and tells them they’ll have an Amazing Jar, where people have to put a $1 in every time they utter the word amazing this week. Before any of you ask, of course the money filled up at the end of the episode wasn’t really put in by the girls. C’mon. Jimmy hands out the first date card, and it goes to Kaitlyn. He disguises it by writing it to sound like it’ll be something extravagant, when in reality, we all saw the previews at the end of last week’s episode, and we knew they went to Costco. So that basically did nothing. Although, that may have been the first time anyone ever took a limo to shop at Costco. Here’s my issue with stores like Costco, Sam’s Club, etc. I don’t need that many of what you’re selling. Ever. Granted, I’m just one person and I understand a family of say, 4 or 5 needs to buy things in bulk, but even then, those things are so ginormous, does anyone ever really go through everything they get from Costco? Didn’t think so. Best part of Costco? Their giant slice of pizza I’ll get, even if I’m only in the store for 5 minutes to get one item. I don’t shop there a lot. Can probably count on one hand how many times I’ve actually gone in there for myself. But I always get a slice of pizza. Always. Good on you, Costco.

-So basically Chris and Kaitlyn walked up and down the aisle shopping for food for a BBQ they were having later that night back at Chris’ place where Jimmy was gonna join them. He gave them his grocery list to stock up on things, and no, I don’t know or care whether or not those items were actually ever purchased. Not sure why you needed 50 things when all you were doing was grilling steaks. But hey, it’s television so they had to spice it up a bit. We found out that Kaitlyn likes ketchup. Like, tons of ketchup. On everything. I’ll just chalk that up to her being Canadian for no reason whatsoever. She just seems like a ketchup girl. Wasn’t the other known Canadian from this franchise, Jillian, obsessed with hot dog toppings too? Must be something in the bagged milk up there, eh hoser? These two then rolled around the aisles in an inflatable ball pushed by little kids. Granted, it wasn’t quite the zorbing that they did last season in New Zealand with Juan Pablo, but, the point was the same. Squeeze two people into an inflatable ball so they’d eventually kiss. And they did. So subtle.

-Once back at Chris’ place, they start to grill out. Kaitlyn thinks that there “isn’t anything more romantic than cooking dinner together.” Kaitlyn, I can think of a half a hundred:

1) Long walks on the beach
2) Candlelit dinners
3) Staring lovingly into each others eyes
4) Writing each other poetry
5) Having sex while cooking dinner together

I’ll just stop there. You get my point. Chris tells her he leads one of the “least glamorous lifestyles.” Kaitlyn, in her best lying voice she can, “That’s what I actually like about you.” Look, we know none of these girls cast are ever gonna come on and say, “Yeah, I’m not into the whole farmer thing. I can’t see it at all. Not really the type of guy I’m into, nor will I ever be. I just don’t see it between us.” I get it. But it is funny what people will say in the moment when they know that’s exactly what Chris wants to hear. You like that he’s a farmer and lives in Bumblef**k, Iowa in the middle of nowhere, which is not really a hop, skip, and a jump from Canada? Really? Sure you don’t.

-One thing I applaud Kaitlyn for is calling Chris out for his girly laugh. We needed that. Someone had to do it, and it might as well be the girl who has a deeper laugh than him. Actually, pretty much every girl in that house has a deeper laugh than Chris. Maybe except Whitney. Do you think the sound these two make during sex is equivalent to a tea kettle?

That’s what I thought. Man, I would hate to be Chris & Whitney’s neighbors.

-Jimmy comes and interrupts Chris and Kaitlyn mid make out, although, with that much lipstick on, do you really want a full on make out? Easy there Taylor Swift. We don’t need the full tube of bright red lipstick all plastered on at once. Kimmel gets down and dirty and starts asking the questions we all want to know. Basically asked her if Chris ends up picking her in the end, and they’re watching these episodes back and she sees he went into the fantasy suite with all three girls, would she be mad if she found out he had sex with all three? Kaitlyn: “I think that is to be assumed…no, I wouldn’t. I can’t be. It’s part of the process. You can’t take out the car without test driving it.” And that ladies and gentleman is why Becca was dumped at the altar. In 19 seasons of this show, has any male lead ever picked a virgin? No. Will they ever? No. We’ve had two known virgins get to the final two: Sadie from Prince Lorenzo’s season and now Becca. It’s just not gonna happen. Sorry ladies. But here’s a nice chastity belt for participating this season. You can engrave Chris’ name on it if you want.

-They then jump in the hot tub to make out some more, all while Jimmy stays in there with them and eats wings. Or whatever the hell he was eating. Is there a reason Chris and Kaitlyn pecked away at each other like they were trying to eat bird feed? What the hell was that? I mean, maybe Chris knew he was in for a week of sucking face with practically every girl on the show this week so he wanted to try something different with Kaitlyn, but that was just bizarre. You’re not a pigeon, Chris. You’re a man. Kiss her like you mean it. Hell, you practically fell to your death making out with Ashley I. on the balcony and you kiss Kaitlyn, who’s on top you ready, willing, and able in her bikini in the hot tub, like she’s got food on her face. Disturbing. Maybe his lack of an upper lip really gets in the way of him trying to kiss someone like a normal human being. I don’t know. But I was half expecting Kaitlyn to emerge from that hot tub with a bloody face after all that nonsense.

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25 Comments

25 Comments

  1. amybris

    January 20, 2015 at 12:11 PM

    “Man, I would hate to be Chris & Whitney’s neighbors.”

    Luckily, in Bumblef*ck, Iowa, you have no neighbors!

  2. hkhazzard

    January 20, 2015 at 12:55 PM

    The scene where Juelia tells Chris about her husband’s suicide was brutal and I agree with RS — totally wrong. I had a hard time watching that.

    The tea kettle bit… brilliant RS!

    Did anyone else notice when Chris and Ashley I. were making out on the balcony, she had this weird pose happening?

  3. angelfish

    January 20, 2015 at 1:22 PM

    I’m gonna write down all the comments about Jillian being a tough chick…”Jillian can hit you so hard, your blood will bleed. Jillian can strangle you with a cordless phone”

    Priceless! *LOL*

  4. danaddlee

    January 20, 2015 at 1:52 PM

    How about when Ashley I was mad about the cocktail party being switched to a pool party? She was putting on makeup (WHY?! Usually when I get in a pool, my face gets wet, therefore wearing makeup is pretty ridiculous.) and bitched to another contestant (can’t remember who) that she had been looking forward to putting on her “Kardashian look.” Are you kidding me?!

  5. ksherm

    January 20, 2015 at 2:16 PM

    Chris could not kiss Kaitlyn with tounge because she fought it off with all her might. She is not even the least bit attracted to him. She’s just using this show as an audition, hoping to steal Joan Rivers’ empty seat on “The Fashion Police.”

    Jillian is definitely not there for Chris either, She is there for Britt 😉 Watch closer people! :p

  6. rob22

    January 20, 2015 at 3:11 PM

    I was afraid that after the “farm date”, Old McDonald would have to whack all of the girls. Have them kneel down and give them one in the back of the head. You know, to make sure they didn’t go back and tell all the girls that he actually likes what farm wives have to….errrrr…. get to do. Yeah, no way are Chris and Whitney lasting…. unless she just hates having actual people around & doesn’t mind talking to livestock as she shovels out their barn. It’s not like Chris is going to talk to her. He’ll just curl his upper lip (oh wait, it’s just naturally like that) and stare at her uncomfortably. Dude is not exactly a conversationalist. Can’t the producers tell him what to say all the time. Can’t they throw him a lifeline and give him a Take 2… or 3…. or 20 until he actually sounds like he can speak intelligently? Wow, this season is painful. I’ve figured it out. Chris is the male version of Desiree. Without the benefit of being good marriage material like Desiree. She was boring, but super nice, good looking and didn’t live in Bumphuck, Egypt. Chris is just boring.

  7. angelfish

    January 20, 2015 at 3:12 PM

    I think young women are much more affectionate towards each other these days than they used to be. Kids of both sexes are hugging each other and showing friendly affection WAY more than they did when I was growing up in the 70′ and 80’s.

    Teen guys I knew would NEVER do the customary “Bro-hug” back then that is so commonplace today.

    And even if Bitt & Jillian were layin’ on the lady-love, more power to ’em! Get it, Girls! *LOL*

  8. closetfan

    January 20, 2015 at 5:39 PM

    I enjoyed Steve’s recap as per usual, but there are three things I really wanted to address:

    1. Becca didn’t get a pity rose. In fact, it was the opposite: Chris was intrigued precisely because she wasn’t throwing herself at him like all the other women have done thus far. People want what they can’t (at least immediately) have.

    2. Chris Harrison did mention that woman’s husband’s suicide in his blog.

    3. So what if Jade has posed nude? Does that somehow mean she’s not deserving of marriage? If so, someone please explain why that would be, because it makes no sense to me whatsoever.

  9. andihollisrn

    January 20, 2015 at 6:38 PM

    I am going totally off the topic that you gave us to comment on and just give a freaking Kutos to Reality Steve for keeping me in stitches reading the above 6 page recap. For the record I could give a rats ass if he is right or wrong about his predictions, he is SPOT ON with his gift of killing the synopsis of the Bachelor. You say everything we all want to say with less four letter words than I could ever use in describing these girls and Chris. The verbiage is quite eloquent. Lol! I find myself laughing alone and my kids coming by saying, “mom, what is so funny”? I am a supporter of your work, Steve, let the critics bash and say you got it wrong. The fact is you have it Oh so right;) and in the end I am sure you have the pick correct and if you don’t who gives a flying f?$!

  10. cpwest

    January 20, 2015 at 6:45 PM

    Obviously Steve needs to read instead of skim ….

    Chris Harrison did mention the Juelia situation, and as much as it was not necessary to air that, why not? It’s real life and if you’re sharing your past, this is about as real as it gets. For this show, anyway.

    ” The party started out on an incredibly emotional note as Juelia told Chris about her past and how her husband committed suicide. If nothing else comes from this moment on the show, I’m glad we could once again help shine a light on an issue that is far too often swept under the rug in our society. Juelia is an incredibly strong woman and I’m grateful she shared her story on our show.”

  11. ladyjane747

    January 20, 2015 at 8:57 PM

    Wow, I agree with so much of what everyone else has already written. Chris is dull and a poor conversationalist. Kaitlyn is soo not into him; she was almost pulling away when he kissed her. Jillian looks soo into Britt. LOL Ashley I is annoying with her Kardashian crap all the time and if she’s upset about not being able to dress up for a pool party, how’s she going to feel down on the farm. Juelia’s conversation with Chris made me feel very uncomfortable, like I shouldn’t be watching. Ugh.

  12. cjscjs711

    January 20, 2015 at 11:58 PM

    Your comments about the Jade episode are hilarious, RS. Personally, I realize a lot of people will think someone who’s done Playboy etc. is never wife material, but I don’t see it that way. I think it’s part of the male fantasy that for these performers it’s not just a job and they lead separate lives outside of it. To me, it just highlights why she’s done this – to promote herself on TV and further her career. She seems very into her career and the likely, big, erotic nude prospects in Iowa small town are obviously nil compared to LA or wherever she hopes to end up. So you can’t take her playing up to Chris seriously.

    I was glad they edited Ashley S’s bogus crazy act into oblivion.

    I agree the show’s much better when they stop taking their “franchise” so seriously.

    It actually sounded to me like that was a real wedding that really took place and not one they staged. The “crashing” part I don’t think anyone in the world would believe was not cleared in advance and I think all the too-loud protesting to the contrary is tongue in cheek by all who do.

    The airing of the suicide – you may not have liked her words but people affected do that all the time. Become spokespeople for the illness, share their experience. She obviously has not finished grieving. A commercial for suicide prevention would have been gratuitous. Same for Dylan and his family members’ death. They try very hard to avoid deep and controversial subjects but death you can’t. JMO

  13. caffeinequeen

    January 21, 2015 at 1:56 AM

    “It actually sounded to me like that was a real wedding that really took place and not one they staged.”
    The wedding was real. The “crashing” part was fake. I didn’t find it believable even before reading the bride’s Instagram post. Who wouldn’t notice uninvited guests at such a small wedding? It was a bad idea anyway. They should have brought Jimmy Kimmel along. And paid for whatever they ate and drank.

  14. deedledee

    January 21, 2015 at 3:22 AM

    I completely agree with closetfan about Jade. I like RS’s snark generally but it’s strange to act like because she’s enjoyed taking sexy photos in the past that she’s not deserving of a relationship. She may or may not be wholesome, but sl0t-shaming is generally not my bag.

    Overall, I’m glad that I don’t like who Chris ends up with because he pretty much sucks. He’s boring, first of all and he’s acting like his goal is to get his man bits off as much as possible instead of finding a wife. Kissing someone to establish chemistry is different than the groping makeouts he’s continually engaging in. Gross. I get that they hype up the competing aspect to the girls, but really he’s the prize? They should all be so lucky to take a hard pass.

  15. karynr

    January 21, 2015 at 3:49 AM

    I agree with so much of some of the previous comments.

    Chris is very boring and walks like he just got off a horse or has to go to the bathroom badly, and not number one. He’s probably a nice, simple guy, but even more uncharismatic than Sean.

    Jade posing nude doesn’t mean she’s undeserving of a relationship. I think she could care less about Chris (I can’t even remember his name half the time) and likes the limelight. I really dislike the slut-shaming too. She doesn’t deserve it. Calling her a “ho” was downright mean.

    Kaitlyn was so not into the kissing. She almost seemed repelled.

    Am I wrong, or has Steve referred to Juelia’s deceased husband as an “ex” a couple times? I didn’t realize they were still married when it happened. She is still grieving so deeply. I hope this adventure brought her some happiness and new scenery for a brief time.

    Ashley I is really annoying and her eyelashes are ridiculous.

    Whitney’s voice doesn’t get to me that much. She seems pretty genuine, as does Becca.

    Jimmy Kimmel went from mildly amusing to old very quickly. I hope he keeps his day job.

    Jillian is so into Britt. The way she looked at her when she had her arm around her on the couch was filled with lust and longing. She gets on my nerves with her eye-rolling during rose ceremonies.

    I’m glad to hear Britt leaves. She looks like she’s observing things pretty closely and determines he/.the show is just not for her.

    At this point, I don’t care how much is staged. It’s entertainment, corny and fun to read comments from ignorant people who still think it’s a show about romance .

    I wish Chris and Whitney luck, along with Shannon and Nick!

  16. angelfish

    January 21, 2015 at 5:38 AM

    I also disagree with slut-shaming UNLESS the female in question is lying through her teeth.

    Jade obviously is. She doesn’t want a husband, much less Chris, Iowa, or farm life. She’s there for exposure and notoriety. She’s competing because she has a competitive nature and wants to be on TV.

  17. rob22

    January 21, 2015 at 6:03 AM

    I agree with angelfish: I don’t think it’s slut-shaming to call out Jade for her self promotion efforts. She’s a nude model pretending to be interested in being a farmer’s wife for God’s sake! Tell me that’s not at least a 9 on a scale of 10 ridiculous. She deserves ridicule, in fact, she wants ridicule. It gets her attention, clicks, and opportunities. That’s why she’s on the show. The last thing she wanted was to go quietly off the show the first night… which was highly unlikely unless she completely booted it by getting drunk or acting like a ho. She’s playing it straight and it keeps buying her another episode. Every episode = cha-ching for Jade. She knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. Kudos to her for executing the plan to perfection. She got far…. but not too far. Perfect. Everyone on the planet is going to know who Jade is before it’s all done. All the media rags will run stories on her, some of them linking to her nude pic sites. But you can’t execute a plan like that and not get a few arrows fired at you. I think RS has actually been fairly moderate in that regard.

  18. jakolean

    January 21, 2015 at 6:52 AM

    Hilarious about whoever made the lactose-intolerance comment during the milking of the goat, as goat milk is lactose free!

  19. lori1234

    January 21, 2015 at 8:38 AM

    Kaitlyn seemed totally into Jimmy Kimmel. She kept touching his arm and flirting with him. Major tv star or farmer, hmmmm, tough choice.

  20. lcs85

    January 21, 2015 at 8:48 AM

    @Jackolean Reality Steve is the only one who made a comment about lactose-intolerance.

    On the show Kimmel specifically said “Do we know if anyone is allergic to goat’s milk?”

  21. kateleigh

    January 21, 2015 at 9:33 AM

    I was totally upset over the whole Juelia’s storyline on her husband’s suicide. I am a survivor of suicide. My son passed away 8 years ago from this and in no way would I want it put out there like that. As a mother, I’d probably be waiting for her at the airport to smack the you know what out of her! I was literally sickened by it all.

  22. mariet

    January 21, 2015 at 3:00 PM

    Totally agree kateleigh. So awful. And then, you have to ask, he tells her about a suicide note and she does nothing? No signs of depression prior? She didn’t try to get him help? Where was his family? Where was her family? Ugh. And I’m so, so sorry for your loss, kateleigh. No one can possibly understand the devastating heartbreak unless they’ve been through it.

  23. SazzyAzzy

    January 21, 2015 at 5:00 PM

    This has to be the most boring bachelor EVER. No conversation, just Chris kissing as much as possible. He says he is there to find is wife, is he doing through testing their saliva?

  24. sheoo

    January 22, 2015 at 7:54 AM

    This is the funniest sh*t I’ve read all week. I never thought I could laugh so hard at a tea pot whistling, then the eyebrows. Good stuff that RS.

  25. gobsmacked

    January 23, 2015 at 4:18 PM

    kateleigh and marlet have it right. It was sickening. Kat, so sorry for your loss. Maybe as a mother you have some insight and can’t image what that’s like. It must be awful for his family to have her put it all out there so callously. And on a dating show? Maybe she is the sick one

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