Reality Steve

The Bachelor 19 - Chris

The “Bachelor” Episode 3 Recap Including Proof the Wedding Crashing Was Staged

-What Chris Soules episode wouldn’t be complete without some farming element to one of its dates? This one sure wouldn’t. Jimmy tells the girls they will be competing in a Hoedown Throwdown. Unfortunately, Jade isn’t on this group date, so it’s not truly a hoedown. Jimmy explains to them that there will be 5 different parts to the race: 1) Corn shucking 2) Getting an egg from the chicken pen 3) Milking goats then drinking it 4) Shoveling manure 5) Wrestle a pig. The first woman to get through it completely wins. Jillian is convinced she’s going to take it for the sole fact she’s already done 1,000 crunches, 500 dips, and 500 pushups before any of the other girls woke up this morning. Jillian is the most fit chick we’ve ever seen on this show, and it’s really not even close. Like I’m genuinely scared of her. She could take out the other 17 girls right now probably with her pinkie. Blindfolded. And standing on her head. Chuck Norris has nightmares of Jillian Anderson. Jillian can hit you so hard, your blood will bleed. Jillian can strangle you with a cordless phone. Jillian can kill two stones with one bird. She’s a bad ass chick is what I’m trying to say.

-Of course, with her own build up to how she fully expected to win this race, you knew she wasn’t going to. I think the part most struggled with was milking a goat, then drinking it. Carly is lactose intolerant, yet somehow managed to do both. Ahhhh, what some women will do for love. However Amber never even got to the goat milking stage of the race. And it’s a good thing she didn’t. Amber: “I heard the milk was salty and warm. That’s not what I like in my mouth.” And on a related note, Amber got eliminated last night. Shocking, I know. Didn’t realize they still made women like you. The final four came down to: Nikki, Carly, Kelsey, and Jillian. Don’t ask me why practically every scene of Jillian shows a black box around her lady parts. I’m sure it’s nothing more than editing giving people something to talk about. She’s obviously not naked, so unless every article of clothing she owns rides up her ass and crotch, producers are over exaggerating it. And it’s working since I keep getting asked about it.

-Carly ends up winning the race by capturing the pig first once all four of them were in there. You know the only reason why Jillian couldn’t catch any of the pigs? Because they all knew they’d be dead if she did so they valued their life and practically ran right into Carly’s arms. Would you rather meet your maker during a silly reality show, or run into the arms of a harmless blonde with a permanent surprised look on her face caused by an awful eyebrow job she had done? Seriously, whatever stylist she asks to do that needs to lose their license. What is this?

Carlyseyebrows

A half moon crescent that practically wraps around her whole eye? Is that a look now? Am I just not hip to women’s eyebrow fashion? Good. For a second there I thought I was crazy, but no, it’s just her whack eyebrows. Anyway, at the group date cocktail party held at the Loews Hollywood Hotel, Carly immediately steals Chris away first because she feels left out. You know, left out of the fact that everyone has already sucked on Chris’ tongue for hours except her, so she wants in on the action. “You’re a man, I’m a woman. I just wanted to take advantage of that.” She then proceeds to tongue molest him, which Chris obviously doesn’t disagree with. Chris would make out with Jimmy Kimmel at this point. He’s not the least bit concerned with setting a world record for the amount of women kissed on a reality show through two episodes. Bob Guiney looks at Chris and thinks, “Hot damn this guy is a giant horn dog.”

-Amber pulls him aside and asks to dance with him, which was really just a clever way of adding her tongue to the list of ones that Chris tasted this episode. Man, Amber got a makeout session last week as well. She must be trying to make up for her “I don’t like warm and salty things in my mouth” comment since, well, that’s like the worst thing you can ever say. Right after they show Chris making out with Amber, they show a shot of him digging into Jillian’s molars as well, bringing the total number of girls he’s made out with this episode to 4, and we’re not even half way done. Mackenzie feels like calling him out on it now. Since she got the first kiss of the season, she thought that maybe she was special or something. You’re not Mackenzie. Especially after your obsession with big noses and aliens. But go ahead, confront him about it. I’m sure this will go over well. Mackenzie: “Why are you kissing everyone else too?” Chris: “Ummmm, because it’s part of my job and I’m as horny as a dog in heat right now.” Or something like that.

-Britt was another one a little bothered by the fact that Chris needs to taste test everyone’s saliva on the show. Britt: “I’ve never been kissing someone that’s been kissing other people.” Well, not that you know of. You said your last relationship had no sex. Remember?

So we go from Chris tonguing down everyone, to getting some alone time with Becca, virgin #2 in the house. Although she hasn’t told him yet, her whole game of “Don’t think I don’t want to kiss you because I do, but I don’t want to rush it” is probably making Chris lose his hard on at this point. I mean, when every single other girl in the house is ready and able to basically get on their knees for him and Becca strolls in with her “no kisses for you” attitude, that’s gotta be a mood killer, right? Have fun with that Chris. Chris enjoyed not kissing Becca so much that he ended up giving her the group date rose. I guess it was out of pity or something. Kind of like, “Awwwww it’s so cute you don’t want to kiss me. You’re like one in a million who won’t do that. Here. Here’s a rose for you tonight you precious little thing.”

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25 Comments

25 Comments

  1. amybris

    January 20, 2015 at 12:11 PM

    “Man, I would hate to be Chris & Whitney’s neighbors.”

    Luckily, in Bumblef*ck, Iowa, you have no neighbors!

  2. hkhazzard

    January 20, 2015 at 12:55 PM

    The scene where Juelia tells Chris about her husband’s suicide was brutal and I agree with RS — totally wrong. I had a hard time watching that.

    The tea kettle bit… brilliant RS!

    Did anyone else notice when Chris and Ashley I. were making out on the balcony, she had this weird pose happening?

  3. angelfish

    January 20, 2015 at 1:22 PM

    I’m gonna write down all the comments about Jillian being a tough chick…”Jillian can hit you so hard, your blood will bleed. Jillian can strangle you with a cordless phone”

    Priceless! *LOL*

  4. danaddlee

    January 20, 2015 at 1:52 PM

    How about when Ashley I was mad about the cocktail party being switched to a pool party? She was putting on makeup (WHY?! Usually when I get in a pool, my face gets wet, therefore wearing makeup is pretty ridiculous.) and bitched to another contestant (can’t remember who) that she had been looking forward to putting on her “Kardashian look.” Are you kidding me?!

  5. ksherm

    January 20, 2015 at 2:16 PM

    Chris could not kiss Kaitlyn with tounge because she fought it off with all her might. She is not even the least bit attracted to him. She’s just using this show as an audition, hoping to steal Joan Rivers’ empty seat on “The Fashion Police.”

    Jillian is definitely not there for Chris either, She is there for Britt 😉 Watch closer people! :p

  6. rob22

    January 20, 2015 at 3:11 PM

    I was afraid that after the “farm date”, Old McDonald would have to whack all of the girls. Have them kneel down and give them one in the back of the head. You know, to make sure they didn’t go back and tell all the girls that he actually likes what farm wives have to….errrrr…. get to do. Yeah, no way are Chris and Whitney lasting…. unless she just hates having actual people around & doesn’t mind talking to livestock as she shovels out their barn. It’s not like Chris is going to talk to her. He’ll just curl his upper lip (oh wait, it’s just naturally like that) and stare at her uncomfortably. Dude is not exactly a conversationalist. Can’t the producers tell him what to say all the time. Can’t they throw him a lifeline and give him a Take 2… or 3…. or 20 until he actually sounds like he can speak intelligently? Wow, this season is painful. I’ve figured it out. Chris is the male version of Desiree. Without the benefit of being good marriage material like Desiree. She was boring, but super nice, good looking and didn’t live in Bumphuck, Egypt. Chris is just boring.

  7. angelfish

    January 20, 2015 at 3:12 PM

    I think young women are much more affectionate towards each other these days than they used to be. Kids of both sexes are hugging each other and showing friendly affection WAY more than they did when I was growing up in the 70′ and 80’s.

    Teen guys I knew would NEVER do the customary “Bro-hug” back then that is so commonplace today.

    And even if Bitt & Jillian were layin’ on the lady-love, more power to ’em! Get it, Girls! *LOL*

  8. closetfan

    January 20, 2015 at 5:39 PM

    I enjoyed Steve’s recap as per usual, but there are three things I really wanted to address:

    1. Becca didn’t get a pity rose. In fact, it was the opposite: Chris was intrigued precisely because she wasn’t throwing herself at him like all the other women have done thus far. People want what they can’t (at least immediately) have.

    2. Chris Harrison did mention that woman’s husband’s suicide in his blog.

    3. So what if Jade has posed nude? Does that somehow mean she’s not deserving of marriage? If so, someone please explain why that would be, because it makes no sense to me whatsoever.

  9. andihollisrn

    January 20, 2015 at 6:38 PM

    I am going totally off the topic that you gave us to comment on and just give a freaking Kutos to Reality Steve for keeping me in stitches reading the above 6 page recap. For the record I could give a rats ass if he is right or wrong about his predictions, he is SPOT ON with his gift of killing the synopsis of the Bachelor. You say everything we all want to say with less four letter words than I could ever use in describing these girls and Chris. The verbiage is quite eloquent. Lol! I find myself laughing alone and my kids coming by saying, “mom, what is so funny”? I am a supporter of your work, Steve, let the critics bash and say you got it wrong. The fact is you have it Oh so right;) and in the end I am sure you have the pick correct and if you don’t who gives a flying f?$!

  10. cpwest

    January 20, 2015 at 6:45 PM

    Obviously Steve needs to read instead of skim ….

    Chris Harrison did mention the Juelia situation, and as much as it was not necessary to air that, why not? It’s real life and if you’re sharing your past, this is about as real as it gets. For this show, anyway.

    ” The party started out on an incredibly emotional note as Juelia told Chris about her past and how her husband committed suicide. If nothing else comes from this moment on the show, I’m glad we could once again help shine a light on an issue that is far too often swept under the rug in our society. Juelia is an incredibly strong woman and I’m grateful she shared her story on our show.”

  11. ladyjane747

    January 20, 2015 at 8:57 PM

    Wow, I agree with so much of what everyone else has already written. Chris is dull and a poor conversationalist. Kaitlyn is soo not into him; she was almost pulling away when he kissed her. Jillian looks soo into Britt. LOL Ashley I is annoying with her Kardashian crap all the time and if she’s upset about not being able to dress up for a pool party, how’s she going to feel down on the farm. Juelia’s conversation with Chris made me feel very uncomfortable, like I shouldn’t be watching. Ugh.

  12. cjscjs711

    January 20, 2015 at 11:58 PM

    Your comments about the Jade episode are hilarious, RS. Personally, I realize a lot of people will think someone who’s done Playboy etc. is never wife material, but I don’t see it that way. I think it’s part of the male fantasy that for these performers it’s not just a job and they lead separate lives outside of it. To me, it just highlights why she’s done this – to promote herself on TV and further her career. She seems very into her career and the likely, big, erotic nude prospects in Iowa small town are obviously nil compared to LA or wherever she hopes to end up. So you can’t take her playing up to Chris seriously.

    I was glad they edited Ashley S’s bogus crazy act into oblivion.

    I agree the show’s much better when they stop taking their “franchise” so seriously.

    It actually sounded to me like that was a real wedding that really took place and not one they staged. The “crashing” part I don’t think anyone in the world would believe was not cleared in advance and I think all the too-loud protesting to the contrary is tongue in cheek by all who do.

    The airing of the suicide – you may not have liked her words but people affected do that all the time. Become spokespeople for the illness, share their experience. She obviously has not finished grieving. A commercial for suicide prevention would have been gratuitous. Same for Dylan and his family members’ death. They try very hard to avoid deep and controversial subjects but death you can’t. JMO

  13. caffeinequeen

    January 21, 2015 at 1:56 AM

    “It actually sounded to me like that was a real wedding that really took place and not one they staged.”
    The wedding was real. The “crashing” part was fake. I didn’t find it believable even before reading the bride’s Instagram post. Who wouldn’t notice uninvited guests at such a small wedding? It was a bad idea anyway. They should have brought Jimmy Kimmel along. And paid for whatever they ate and drank.

  14. deedledee

    January 21, 2015 at 3:22 AM

    I completely agree with closetfan about Jade. I like RS’s snark generally but it’s strange to act like because she’s enjoyed taking sexy photos in the past that she’s not deserving of a relationship. She may or may not be wholesome, but sl0t-shaming is generally not my bag.

    Overall, I’m glad that I don’t like who Chris ends up with because he pretty much sucks. He’s boring, first of all and he’s acting like his goal is to get his man bits off as much as possible instead of finding a wife. Kissing someone to establish chemistry is different than the groping makeouts he’s continually engaging in. Gross. I get that they hype up the competing aspect to the girls, but really he’s the prize? They should all be so lucky to take a hard pass.

  15. karynr

    January 21, 2015 at 3:49 AM

    I agree with so much of some of the previous comments.

    Chris is very boring and walks like he just got off a horse or has to go to the bathroom badly, and not number one. He’s probably a nice, simple guy, but even more uncharismatic than Sean.

    Jade posing nude doesn’t mean she’s undeserving of a relationship. I think she could care less about Chris (I can’t even remember his name half the time) and likes the limelight. I really dislike the slut-shaming too. She doesn’t deserve it. Calling her a “ho” was downright mean.

    Kaitlyn was so not into the kissing. She almost seemed repelled.

    Am I wrong, or has Steve referred to Juelia’s deceased husband as an “ex” a couple times? I didn’t realize they were still married when it happened. She is still grieving so deeply. I hope this adventure brought her some happiness and new scenery for a brief time.

    Ashley I is really annoying and her eyelashes are ridiculous.

    Whitney’s voice doesn’t get to me that much. She seems pretty genuine, as does Becca.

    Jimmy Kimmel went from mildly amusing to old very quickly. I hope he keeps his day job.

    Jillian is so into Britt. The way she looked at her when she had her arm around her on the couch was filled with lust and longing. She gets on my nerves with her eye-rolling during rose ceremonies.

    I’m glad to hear Britt leaves. She looks like she’s observing things pretty closely and determines he/.the show is just not for her.

    At this point, I don’t care how much is staged. It’s entertainment, corny and fun to read comments from ignorant people who still think it’s a show about romance .

    I wish Chris and Whitney luck, along with Shannon and Nick!

  16. angelfish

    January 21, 2015 at 5:38 AM

    I also disagree with slut-shaming UNLESS the female in question is lying through her teeth.

    Jade obviously is. She doesn’t want a husband, much less Chris, Iowa, or farm life. She’s there for exposure and notoriety. She’s competing because she has a competitive nature and wants to be on TV.

  17. rob22

    January 21, 2015 at 6:03 AM

    I agree with angelfish: I don’t think it’s slut-shaming to call out Jade for her self promotion efforts. She’s a nude model pretending to be interested in being a farmer’s wife for God’s sake! Tell me that’s not at least a 9 on a scale of 10 ridiculous. She deserves ridicule, in fact, she wants ridicule. It gets her attention, clicks, and opportunities. That’s why she’s on the show. The last thing she wanted was to go quietly off the show the first night… which was highly unlikely unless she completely booted it by getting drunk or acting like a ho. She’s playing it straight and it keeps buying her another episode. Every episode = cha-ching for Jade. She knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. Kudos to her for executing the plan to perfection. She got far…. but not too far. Perfect. Everyone on the planet is going to know who Jade is before it’s all done. All the media rags will run stories on her, some of them linking to her nude pic sites. But you can’t execute a plan like that and not get a few arrows fired at you. I think RS has actually been fairly moderate in that regard.

  18. jakolean

    January 21, 2015 at 6:52 AM

    Hilarious about whoever made the lactose-intolerance comment during the milking of the goat, as goat milk is lactose free!

  19. lori1234

    January 21, 2015 at 8:38 AM

    Kaitlyn seemed totally into Jimmy Kimmel. She kept touching his arm and flirting with him. Major tv star or farmer, hmmmm, tough choice.

  20. lcs85

    January 21, 2015 at 8:48 AM

    @Jackolean Reality Steve is the only one who made a comment about lactose-intolerance.

    On the show Kimmel specifically said “Do we know if anyone is allergic to goat’s milk?”

  21. kateleigh

    January 21, 2015 at 9:33 AM

    I was totally upset over the whole Juelia’s storyline on her husband’s suicide. I am a survivor of suicide. My son passed away 8 years ago from this and in no way would I want it put out there like that. As a mother, I’d probably be waiting for her at the airport to smack the you know what out of her! I was literally sickened by it all.

  22. mariet

    January 21, 2015 at 3:00 PM

    Totally agree kateleigh. So awful. And then, you have to ask, he tells her about a suicide note and she does nothing? No signs of depression prior? She didn’t try to get him help? Where was his family? Where was her family? Ugh. And I’m so, so sorry for your loss, kateleigh. No one can possibly understand the devastating heartbreak unless they’ve been through it.

  23. SazzyAzzy

    January 21, 2015 at 5:00 PM

    This has to be the most boring bachelor EVER. No conversation, just Chris kissing as much as possible. He says he is there to find is wife, is he doing through testing their saliva?

  24. sheoo

    January 22, 2015 at 7:54 AM

    This is the funniest sh*t I’ve read all week. I never thought I could laugh so hard at a tea pot whistling, then the eyebrows. Good stuff that RS.

  25. gobsmacked

    January 23, 2015 at 4:18 PM

    kateleigh and marlet have it right. It was sickening. Kat, so sorry for your loss. Maybe as a mother you have some insight and can’t image what that’s like. It must be awful for his family to have her put it all out there so callously. And on a dating show? Maybe she is the sick one

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