Reality Steve

The Bachelor 19 - Chris

The “Bachelor” Episode 3 Recap Including Proof the Wedding Crashing Was Staged

-No cocktail party this week and that’s because Jimmy insists on a pool party instead. I guess it’s better to try and convince Chris that he needs to keep you while you bounce around in a two piece rather than a formal setting where the girls are covered up. Smart. Maybe every day of the rose ceremony they should ditch the cocktail party and just go with bikini’s by the pool in the afternoon. If it’s gonna give us what it gave us last night, then I’m all for it. Cocktail parties are too formal and stuffy anyway. Lets get more chicks in bikinis laying poolside. Chris is more inclined to start making out with them if they are. When you’re all suited up and the women are in evening gowns and cocktails you gotta be all formal stuff. Dumb. Hell, lets just make the rose ceremonies casual wear from now on. Maybe it’ll get people to start acting more normal than trying to pretend they’re someone they’re not. I’m all for this. Hey, if you’re gonna switch things up this season with only one place of travel out of the country and have Jimmy Kimmel hijack an episode, why not take it a step further? I should be producing this show.

-The first girl to pull Chris aside at the pool party is Juelia, because what better way bring the mood down than to bring out the ol’ my-husband-committed-suicide-and-here’s-how-he-did-it storyline. There will be people that disagree with me on this and that’s fine, but in my eyes, her outing her ex-husband’s suicide on national television was flat out disgusting. You think his family appreciated that? My guess is no. Obviously it’s a major part of her life and it’s something that’s going to come up in any relationship she has for the rest of her life, but c’mon. She hadn’t even had a date with the guy yet. There were cameras in her face. It’s not something you go into detail with that early. Did she not realize the only reason she was even cast on this show in the first place was so she could tell that story? If the show was so sympathetic to her and her past, how come at the end of the episode, or even at commercial break, they didn’t give the viewers any suicide prevention information like they did with Gia? It’s because they exploited Juelia and she went with it. And it wasn’t so much she told Chris her ex committed suicide (of course she’d tell him that), but to go into detail about it? What purpose did that serve? Sheer exploitation. We see it every season on this show in some way, shape or form and this was no different. I mean, Chris Harrison and Chris Soules cared SO much about Juelia’s story, that neither of them even referenced it in their blogs today recapping last night’s episode. Pathetic. Moving on.

-Once we’d moved on from the sad part of the pool party, it was time for Chris to get his mack on. And boy did he ever. He made out with Britt for the third episode in a row because he can’t help himself. Who wouldn’t make out with Britt? I think most women watching this show would even make out with her. Then came Jade. Oh Jade. So sweet. So innocent. So pulling the wool over Chris’ eyes. In the middle of the conversation, Jade has to think of a clever way to get Chris back to his room so she concocts this, “A lot of the girls were talking about your place. Maybe you could show me?” Good one, Jade. How many times has that worked for you in the past with photographers? Or is it the other way around? You know, like when you did this photo shoot for TheChive.com?

Jade1Jade2Jade3Jade4Jade5

-Then Jade utters the line of the night saying they decided to test out Chris’ bed. Oh if Chris only knew then what experience Jade had testing out beds. I mean, patio chairs. I mean, antique cars. Whatever. And if Chris and Jade are on a bed and she’s in a bikini, chances are there’s going to be some making out. And there was. Of course, a lot of you thought her boob was exposed during this make out. Not that we haven’t seen enough of Jade’s boobs everywhere already, but this was actually one time where it wasn’t. It was actually a nude colored bra she had on. You can clearly see it here:

Jadeboob

You know, if I hadn’t already seen Jade’s lady bits everywhere on the internet already, I’d say that maybe she was interested in just talking to Chris and getting to know him while laying down on her back half naked. But no. Crazy, huh?

-The other hubba balloo at this pool party was Jillian stealing time from some of the other girls, mainly Megan, Mackenzie, and Ashley I. Although Ashley I. went in full freak out mode because of it. Right after Chris was done swabbing the inside of Jade’s mouth with his tongue, he immediately dove into Jillian’s chompers as she was waiting for him in the hot tub right outside his door. No mouthwash? No gum? No breath strip? Nothing? Just straight from Jade’s mouth to Jillian’s. Nice. Their mothers watch this show, right? What exactly do they think of their daughters behavior? Actually, this is Jillian’s second time tonguing down Chris in three days, as she got a little somethin’ somethin’ on the group date after party. So even though she could easily bench press Chris and probably drop kick him over the mansion like a young Clark Kent did to that football in the original “Superman,” Chris reeeeeealllly likes making out with her apparently.

-Ashley I. did get her own time as well. After whining about Jillian taking too much of Chris’ time, spilling her drink down the driveway, and crying until her fake eyelashes almost came falling out, Chris finally gets around to pulling Ashley I. aside to ask what’s wrong. She kind of explains why she’s crying. Or laughing. Or both. Whatever she was doing, it earned her sympathy points, as these two start going at it like they’re on a time crunch or something. They were making out over the edge of the balcony that had me thinking these two are going to plummet to their death. I’m sure at this point, plenty of women watching this show are furious at Ashley for just being plain annoying and a whiner. And that she’s clearly trying to be a Kardashian clone. Hell, she doesn’t even try to hide from that fact, but considering how disliked they are by the public, it’s not going too well for Ashley. You know what else people are having a hard time buying? That Ashley has never had a boyfriend or ever had sex before. Hey, maybe it’s true, but the way she carries herself on this show, it is becoming awfully hard to believe.

-So for the record if you weren’t keeping track this episode, Chris made out with 8 different girls. Last week was only 6. He outdid himself! Congrats Chris! You win! The 8 girls were: Kaitlyn, Carly, Amber, Jillian (2x), Whitney, Britt, Jade, and Ashley I. Impressive. 8 out of 18. That’s almost 50% in one episode. And if Becca wasn’t such a kissing prude, he would’ve slobbered on half of them! Chris Soules may be our greatest Bachelor ever.

-Rose ceremony time. Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already with roses. Chris’ turn to speak. “Ladies…this has been an amazing..err..incredible week…all want you to know…intentions are 100% true…here to find my wife…decisions not easy…especially when Jade is half naked on a bed underneath me. It took everything in my power for me not to violate her every which way but Sunday.”

Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki, and Jillian get roses.

Jimmy comes out in replace of Chris Harrison. “Ladies, Chris. This is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.” You know, it’s not so easy to come out and do that. Jimmy really struggled with getting that down.

Ashley I. gets the last rose of the night. No suspense there since we know from previews she lasts much longer this season. South Dakota to be exact.

Next week, we get 2 group dates and Jade’s “Cinderella” date picked out by Chris’ sisters. Oh boy is that gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel. Geez, I mean at least make it somewhat challenging to make fun of your show. Jade? Cinderella? Bhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tomorrow.

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25 Comments

25 Comments

  1. amybris

    January 20, 2015 at 12:11 PM

    “Man, I would hate to be Chris & Whitney’s neighbors.”

    Luckily, in Bumblef*ck, Iowa, you have no neighbors!

  2. hkhazzard

    January 20, 2015 at 12:55 PM

    The scene where Juelia tells Chris about her husband’s suicide was brutal and I agree with RS — totally wrong. I had a hard time watching that.

    The tea kettle bit… brilliant RS!

    Did anyone else notice when Chris and Ashley I. were making out on the balcony, she had this weird pose happening?

  3. angelfish

    January 20, 2015 at 1:22 PM

    I’m gonna write down all the comments about Jillian being a tough chick…”Jillian can hit you so hard, your blood will bleed. Jillian can strangle you with a cordless phone”

    Priceless! *LOL*

  4. danaddlee

    January 20, 2015 at 1:52 PM

    How about when Ashley I was mad about the cocktail party being switched to a pool party? She was putting on makeup (WHY?! Usually when I get in a pool, my face gets wet, therefore wearing makeup is pretty ridiculous.) and bitched to another contestant (can’t remember who) that she had been looking forward to putting on her “Kardashian look.” Are you kidding me?!

  5. ksherm

    January 20, 2015 at 2:16 PM

    Chris could not kiss Kaitlyn with tounge because she fought it off with all her might. She is not even the least bit attracted to him. She’s just using this show as an audition, hoping to steal Joan Rivers’ empty seat on “The Fashion Police.”

    Jillian is definitely not there for Chris either, She is there for Britt 😉 Watch closer people! :p

  6. rob22

    January 20, 2015 at 3:11 PM

    I was afraid that after the “farm date”, Old McDonald would have to whack all of the girls. Have them kneel down and give them one in the back of the head. You know, to make sure they didn’t go back and tell all the girls that he actually likes what farm wives have to….errrrr…. get to do. Yeah, no way are Chris and Whitney lasting…. unless she just hates having actual people around & doesn’t mind talking to livestock as she shovels out their barn. It’s not like Chris is going to talk to her. He’ll just curl his upper lip (oh wait, it’s just naturally like that) and stare at her uncomfortably. Dude is not exactly a conversationalist. Can’t the producers tell him what to say all the time. Can’t they throw him a lifeline and give him a Take 2… or 3…. or 20 until he actually sounds like he can speak intelligently? Wow, this season is painful. I’ve figured it out. Chris is the male version of Desiree. Without the benefit of being good marriage material like Desiree. She was boring, but super nice, good looking and didn’t live in Bumphuck, Egypt. Chris is just boring.

  7. angelfish

    January 20, 2015 at 3:12 PM

    I think young women are much more affectionate towards each other these days than they used to be. Kids of both sexes are hugging each other and showing friendly affection WAY more than they did when I was growing up in the 70′ and 80’s.

    Teen guys I knew would NEVER do the customary “Bro-hug” back then that is so commonplace today.

    And even if Bitt & Jillian were layin’ on the lady-love, more power to ’em! Get it, Girls! *LOL*

  8. closetfan

    January 20, 2015 at 5:39 PM

    I enjoyed Steve’s recap as per usual, but there are three things I really wanted to address:

    1. Becca didn’t get a pity rose. In fact, it was the opposite: Chris was intrigued precisely because she wasn’t throwing herself at him like all the other women have done thus far. People want what they can’t (at least immediately) have.

    2. Chris Harrison did mention that woman’s husband’s suicide in his blog.

    3. So what if Jade has posed nude? Does that somehow mean she’s not deserving of marriage? If so, someone please explain why that would be, because it makes no sense to me whatsoever.

  9. andihollisrn

    January 20, 2015 at 6:38 PM

    I am going totally off the topic that you gave us to comment on and just give a freaking Kutos to Reality Steve for keeping me in stitches reading the above 6 page recap. For the record I could give a rats ass if he is right or wrong about his predictions, he is SPOT ON with his gift of killing the synopsis of the Bachelor. You say everything we all want to say with less four letter words than I could ever use in describing these girls and Chris. The verbiage is quite eloquent. Lol! I find myself laughing alone and my kids coming by saying, “mom, what is so funny”? I am a supporter of your work, Steve, let the critics bash and say you got it wrong. The fact is you have it Oh so right;) and in the end I am sure you have the pick correct and if you don’t who gives a flying f?$!

  10. cpwest

    January 20, 2015 at 6:45 PM

    Obviously Steve needs to read instead of skim ….

    Chris Harrison did mention the Juelia situation, and as much as it was not necessary to air that, why not? It’s real life and if you’re sharing your past, this is about as real as it gets. For this show, anyway.

    ” The party started out on an incredibly emotional note as Juelia told Chris about her past and how her husband committed suicide. If nothing else comes from this moment on the show, I’m glad we could once again help shine a light on an issue that is far too often swept under the rug in our society. Juelia is an incredibly strong woman and I’m grateful she shared her story on our show.”

  11. ladyjane747

    January 20, 2015 at 8:57 PM

    Wow, I agree with so much of what everyone else has already written. Chris is dull and a poor conversationalist. Kaitlyn is soo not into him; she was almost pulling away when he kissed her. Jillian looks soo into Britt. LOL Ashley I is annoying with her Kardashian crap all the time and if she’s upset about not being able to dress up for a pool party, how’s she going to feel down on the farm. Juelia’s conversation with Chris made me feel very uncomfortable, like I shouldn’t be watching. Ugh.

  12. cjscjs711

    January 20, 2015 at 11:58 PM

    Your comments about the Jade episode are hilarious, RS. Personally, I realize a lot of people will think someone who’s done Playboy etc. is never wife material, but I don’t see it that way. I think it’s part of the male fantasy that for these performers it’s not just a job and they lead separate lives outside of it. To me, it just highlights why she’s done this – to promote herself on TV and further her career. She seems very into her career and the likely, big, erotic nude prospects in Iowa small town are obviously nil compared to LA or wherever she hopes to end up. So you can’t take her playing up to Chris seriously.

    I was glad they edited Ashley S’s bogus crazy act into oblivion.

    I agree the show’s much better when they stop taking their “franchise” so seriously.

    It actually sounded to me like that was a real wedding that really took place and not one they staged. The “crashing” part I don’t think anyone in the world would believe was not cleared in advance and I think all the too-loud protesting to the contrary is tongue in cheek by all who do.

    The airing of the suicide – you may not have liked her words but people affected do that all the time. Become spokespeople for the illness, share their experience. She obviously has not finished grieving. A commercial for suicide prevention would have been gratuitous. Same for Dylan and his family members’ death. They try very hard to avoid deep and controversial subjects but death you can’t. JMO

  13. caffeinequeen

    January 21, 2015 at 1:56 AM

    “It actually sounded to me like that was a real wedding that really took place and not one they staged.”
    The wedding was real. The “crashing” part was fake. I didn’t find it believable even before reading the bride’s Instagram post. Who wouldn’t notice uninvited guests at such a small wedding? It was a bad idea anyway. They should have brought Jimmy Kimmel along. And paid for whatever they ate and drank.

  14. deedledee

    January 21, 2015 at 3:22 AM

    I completely agree with closetfan about Jade. I like RS’s snark generally but it’s strange to act like because she’s enjoyed taking sexy photos in the past that she’s not deserving of a relationship. She may or may not be wholesome, but sl0t-shaming is generally not my bag.

    Overall, I’m glad that I don’t like who Chris ends up with because he pretty much sucks. He’s boring, first of all and he’s acting like his goal is to get his man bits off as much as possible instead of finding a wife. Kissing someone to establish chemistry is different than the groping makeouts he’s continually engaging in. Gross. I get that they hype up the competing aspect to the girls, but really he’s the prize? They should all be so lucky to take a hard pass.

  15. karynr

    January 21, 2015 at 3:49 AM

    I agree with so much of some of the previous comments.

    Chris is very boring and walks like he just got off a horse or has to go to the bathroom badly, and not number one. He’s probably a nice, simple guy, but even more uncharismatic than Sean.

    Jade posing nude doesn’t mean she’s undeserving of a relationship. I think she could care less about Chris (I can’t even remember his name half the time) and likes the limelight. I really dislike the slut-shaming too. She doesn’t deserve it. Calling her a “ho” was downright mean.

    Kaitlyn was so not into the kissing. She almost seemed repelled.

    Am I wrong, or has Steve referred to Juelia’s deceased husband as an “ex” a couple times? I didn’t realize they were still married when it happened. She is still grieving so deeply. I hope this adventure brought her some happiness and new scenery for a brief time.

    Ashley I is really annoying and her eyelashes are ridiculous.

    Whitney’s voice doesn’t get to me that much. She seems pretty genuine, as does Becca.

    Jimmy Kimmel went from mildly amusing to old very quickly. I hope he keeps his day job.

    Jillian is so into Britt. The way she looked at her when she had her arm around her on the couch was filled with lust and longing. She gets on my nerves with her eye-rolling during rose ceremonies.

    I’m glad to hear Britt leaves. She looks like she’s observing things pretty closely and determines he/.the show is just not for her.

    At this point, I don’t care how much is staged. It’s entertainment, corny and fun to read comments from ignorant people who still think it’s a show about romance .

    I wish Chris and Whitney luck, along with Shannon and Nick!

  16. angelfish

    January 21, 2015 at 5:38 AM

    I also disagree with slut-shaming UNLESS the female in question is lying through her teeth.

    Jade obviously is. She doesn’t want a husband, much less Chris, Iowa, or farm life. She’s there for exposure and notoriety. She’s competing because she has a competitive nature and wants to be on TV.

  17. rob22

    January 21, 2015 at 6:03 AM

    I agree with angelfish: I don’t think it’s slut-shaming to call out Jade for her self promotion efforts. She’s a nude model pretending to be interested in being a farmer’s wife for God’s sake! Tell me that’s not at least a 9 on a scale of 10 ridiculous. She deserves ridicule, in fact, she wants ridicule. It gets her attention, clicks, and opportunities. That’s why she’s on the show. The last thing she wanted was to go quietly off the show the first night… which was highly unlikely unless she completely booted it by getting drunk or acting like a ho. She’s playing it straight and it keeps buying her another episode. Every episode = cha-ching for Jade. She knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. Kudos to her for executing the plan to perfection. She got far…. but not too far. Perfect. Everyone on the planet is going to know who Jade is before it’s all done. All the media rags will run stories on her, some of them linking to her nude pic sites. But you can’t execute a plan like that and not get a few arrows fired at you. I think RS has actually been fairly moderate in that regard.

  18. jakolean

    January 21, 2015 at 6:52 AM

    Hilarious about whoever made the lactose-intolerance comment during the milking of the goat, as goat milk is lactose free!

  19. lori1234

    January 21, 2015 at 8:38 AM

    Kaitlyn seemed totally into Jimmy Kimmel. She kept touching his arm and flirting with him. Major tv star or farmer, hmmmm, tough choice.

  20. lcs85

    January 21, 2015 at 8:48 AM

    @Jackolean Reality Steve is the only one who made a comment about lactose-intolerance.

    On the show Kimmel specifically said “Do we know if anyone is allergic to goat’s milk?”

  21. kateleigh

    January 21, 2015 at 9:33 AM

    I was totally upset over the whole Juelia’s storyline on her husband’s suicide. I am a survivor of suicide. My son passed away 8 years ago from this and in no way would I want it put out there like that. As a mother, I’d probably be waiting for her at the airport to smack the you know what out of her! I was literally sickened by it all.

  22. mariet

    January 21, 2015 at 3:00 PM

    Totally agree kateleigh. So awful. And then, you have to ask, he tells her about a suicide note and she does nothing? No signs of depression prior? She didn’t try to get him help? Where was his family? Where was her family? Ugh. And I’m so, so sorry for your loss, kateleigh. No one can possibly understand the devastating heartbreak unless they’ve been through it.

  23. SazzyAzzy

    January 21, 2015 at 5:00 PM

    This has to be the most boring bachelor EVER. No conversation, just Chris kissing as much as possible. He says he is there to find is wife, is he doing through testing their saliva?

  24. sheoo

    January 22, 2015 at 7:54 AM

    This is the funniest sh*t I’ve read all week. I never thought I could laugh so hard at a tea pot whistling, then the eyebrows. Good stuff that RS.

  25. gobsmacked

    January 23, 2015 at 4:18 PM

    kateleigh and marlet have it right. It was sickening. Kat, so sorry for your loss. Maybe as a mother you have some insight and can’t image what that’s like. It must be awful for his family to have her put it all out there so callously. And on a dating show? Maybe she is the sick one

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