Reality Steve

The Bachelor 19 - Chris

The “Bachelor” Chris Episode 5 Recap Including the “Women Tell All” Taping & When Does the “Bachelorette” Begin Filming

-We start off with the ladies being told by Chris Harrison to pack your bags, you are headed to the gorgeous, luxurious, tropical island of…just kidding. You’re going to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Womp womp. Although Megan the Ditz thinks they’re going to Mexico and are headed out of the country. The fact that Megan has managed to say something ridiculously stupid every single episode this season makes me think she’s purposely doing it for attention. I’m sorry, you’ve heard of New Mexico and you know it’s a state. Stop acting like a complete blonde bimbo. Not a good look. How much you wanna bet after Chris Harrison made the announcement, one of the girls was like, “Did you really say New Mexico? What the f**k?” You know they were all fired up to start traveling abroad, see the world, and visit exotic places they never would’ve dreamed of. Nope. Instead they probably took a little puddle jumper to New Mexico, the Land of Enchantment. Well after last night, more like the “Land of Strange Sh*t Happening on this Show.” What an utterly bizarre night. One of the weirdest episodes they’ve had in a while. And that’s saying something considering 3 weeks ago we had Ashley S. running around with a paintball gun howling at the moon practically.

-The girls are sooooooo excited to get to Santa Fe. They even get to their room and go check out the view and basically they see hills, dirt, and I believe a patch of grass. Man, not really what you thought you signed up for, is it ladies? Chris had told them there will be two 1-on-1’s and a group date this episode. Immediately, Ashley and Kelsey are making it known they haven’t had 1-on-1’s and would really like one at this point, which is basically nothing different than we’ve heard for 28 previous seasons. Date card arrives and it’s for Carly: “Lets come together.” Ummmm, how exactly did they spell that? And when did this show turn into Skinemax? Geez. Although after watching that date, there might’ve been some truth to that date card. It’s safe to say that Carly easily had the most awkward, uncomfortable date that we’ve probably ever seen in the show’s history. I don’t even think words can describe it, so I hope you all saw. I’ll do my best, but really, does it get any more freaky than breathing heavily into another man’s face and it NOT be during sex?

-Carly and Chris are seeing a “love guru,” which up until last night, I just thought was a bad Mike Myers movie that no one saw. Hell, I think I would’ve rather watched that On Demand than watch the suffering Carly and Chris were put through. The love guru’s name was Tziporah Kingsbury, which was about par for the course. She reminded me of the fortune teller that told Pee Wee his bike was at the Alamo in “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.” Chris is convinced this gypsy isn’t a love guru, but more of a sex guru. I think she was basically trying to get them to do every Kama Sutra position there is. She wanted them to focus on their intimacy and sexuality, and by doing this, she basically turned Carly into Anastasia. She blindfolded Chris and fed him chocolate covered strawberries and other fruit. Hey, didn’t Megan do that last week? We’re losing some originality here. And I’m sorry, but nothing about this exercise is making me horny. It’s making me hungry. I think if Carly rubs Chris one more chocolate covered strawberry around his mouth, he’s gonna snatch it from her hand and chuck it across the room.

-Carly lets everyone know that, well, she hasn’t been with a man in a while. “I haven’t been like physically shedding my clothes for a man in a long time.” Oh poor Carly. I’m sorry to hear that. You mean this weirdo meditating love guru isn’t warming you up to that prospect? I can’t imagine why not. You know who wouldn’t have been the least bit uncomfortable on this date? Jade. But no, we have to give her some BS Cinderella date where she’s fully clothed and all decked out. I thought these producers were smart. Who do we want on the intimate, sexual date? The girl who hasn’t been laid in 18 months, or the girl who shows the world her goodies for free? What an idiotic decision and I hate everyone on this show now. Booooooooooooooo. Carly tells Chris she’s uncomfortable and really doesn’t want to continue with this NC-17 side show and wants to keep some level of dignity. Chris agrees. I have a feeling this date has now scarred Carly for life and she’ll never want to take her clothes off for any man ever again. What a shame. You’re missing out, Carly.

-Just when you think it’s over…it isn’t. Now the nutball fortune teller wants Carly to straddle Chris so they can just listen to each other breathe – no kissing. Oh this should be good. So these two rub all up on each other panting into each other’s faces without any kissing, all while the Dalai Lama over there just looks on with her pocket rocket probably set to level 10. What is she getting out of this? Like, this is her job? Someone pays her to watch couples breathe heavily on each other? Man, some gig she has. Lets hope Chris and Carly invested in some breath strips before this exercise or else as uncomfortable as it is for us to watch, it’s not nearly as bad as what they’d have to be going through. Touching, breathing, feeling – Carly and Chris are exploring their bodies without kissing in a way I bet they never thought they would ever have to do. On a side note, Carly is now pregnant.

-Back at the hotel, Kelsey decides to finally tell the group about her husband who died 18 months ago. He was walking to work, he collapsed and died. Ashley I. isn’t really too hip on Kelsey’s act. “We’ve been here for 5 weeks now and this is the first time she tells us. Just a little weird.” Yet again, another case where a contestant is told to speak in episodes and not actually real time. That day was Oct. 12th, roughly 2 ½ weeks since filming started. But since we’re in episode 5, Ashley has to make sure she gets that right. And if she didn’t, they’d make her re-shoot it and say it correctly. The date card arrives. Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley, and Kelsey are on it. “I’m rapidly falling in love.” Well, at least it wasn’t laced with the most explicit sexual innuendo this show has ever had like the last date card. I think there’s a good chance “rapidly” was referring to how quickly this episode was declining but I wasn’t sure. Oh, it referred to the white water rafting on the rapids? My bad.

-Carly and Chris head to The Bishop’s Lodge for the night portion of their date. Carly: “Oooohhhh it’s so fancy.” Ummmm, Carly it’s a room with a sofa, a fireplace, and some pillows. And you’re still sitting on the floor with him. There is nothing fancy about this date. Quit kissing New Mexico’s ass because their tourism board forked over $100k for this episode. Gee, think that was worth it? Holy crap. You’re supposed to use this as a 2 hour commercial to come visit your city, and all we got was a creepy gypsy getting off to watching two people mount each other and a view of a bunch of hills from a hot air balloon. Money well spent people.

-Carly seems to be having self-esteem issues because her last boyfriend that she was with for 18 months never touched her. No, not just that he didn’t have sex with her. He never even touched her. For a year and a half. I hate to tell ya’ this Carly, but you might wanna be on the lookout for red flags a lot sooner than that. If your boyfriend doesn’t like touching you, that’s a problem. And if you allow that non-touching to go on for 18 months, then that sucks. Sorry. But hey, look on the bright side. You know who will touch you? Plenty of creepers from this franchise when you meet them on “Bachelor in Paradise 2,” some of which may be friends of your brothers. So you can always look forward to that. This led to Chris talking about his insecurities in relationships, mostly of the “are these women really gonna want to move to Bumblef**k, Iowa for me?” Well, the answer is no, but they’ll pretend to for the time being so they can last longer on the show. Carly gets the rose and Chris is the first man in a while who allows her to feel like she’s in a reciprocating relationship. Until this summer in Mexico when plenty of guys will want to reciprocate all over her.

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22 Comments

22 Comments

  1. caffeinequeen

    February 3, 2015 at 11:50 AM

    Hmmm. A few (unrelated) comments–
    Jade – I don’t know if that’s a legitimate “condition,” but I experience that too in moderately cold conditions. She might have poor circulation or Reynaud’s syndrome. It makes your feet and hands ache when it occurs, and it’s pretty uncomfortable. I assume that in Nebraska she’d be wearing gloves and boots. She didn’t have any protection from the cold in the raft.

    That Carly/Chris date. Jesus. That defines awkward. I actually like her and her sense of humor. I wouldn’t mind seeing her as the bachelorette. I feel like Britt is looking for career advancement more than a husband. Nothing wrong with that, but it doesn’t make her a great potential bachelorette when it seems so obvious.

    Kelsey. She seemed pretty detached, not sarcastic, as the person who emailed suggested. It didn’t seem like great timing to be snogging with Chris after sharing that sobering story…nd then to talk about herself and her amazing story that “she loves,” she comes across as extremely self-involved. That whole ITM was cringe-worthy. The panic attack might be legit, but I just feel like this woman needs to get some counseling.

  2. enndea

    February 3, 2015 at 12:11 PM

    I think the email about producer manipulation is a good one, but I don’t entirely buy it, and here’s why–Kelsey was on Twitter last night basically saying the exact same thing. (“Sander’s death was absolutely devastating, but my finding a way to live through it and my strength to survive is amazing.”) Perhaps she was implying the “amazing” thing about her story is her own strength–but it still is a very odd thing to say about your husbands passing. Especially when followed by “I love my story.” I think there are things you can love about what you learn from an experience like that…..but wow. It seemed cold and a little crazy to me.

  3. nora j

    February 3, 2015 at 1:28 PM

    Maybe the next Bachelorette won’t be from this season? After last night I hope it’s not Britt. Sorry but who wears all that make up to bed? Doesn’t the bright pink lipstick just end up all over her pillow. It’s so weird. She just seems way too immature to be The Bachelorette. And she’s a waitress? Her credentials don’t seem that great.

  4. fcew

    February 3, 2015 at 1:47 PM

    Just an FYI, as a person from New Mexico, I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked the most ignorant questions about New Mexico. “But you’re so white?” (Yup, blonde and blue eyed too!) “Your English is really good!” (Mmmmhmmmm. First language.) “I can’t take a Mexican ID.” (REALLY?! That one was at a mortgage company! In CALIFORNIA.) “Did you have to get a passport to come here?” (I was in Illinois!) “What’s the weather like? You have palm trees right?” (No, New Mexico doesn’t have palm trees, at least as far as I’ve seen. Maybe way down south. And New Mexico experiences all 4 seasons. There are mountains and even SNOW.) Sadly, this behavior from Megan is actually quite typical, and while I laughed as I watched her, I cringed inside. Because stuff like that has happened to me more times than I can count. Whenever people from New Mexico leave the state, it’s expected that people will ask questions or make statements like the ones I described above. Depressingly, in my experience, its people from Texas, Colorado and Arizona that know New Mexico is a state, and it’s people from the Mid West that are really the worst offenders.

    So my go to line has become “It’s a STATE. In the UNITED STATES.” I don’t care if I sound rude. If I have to whip that line out, it’s because you sound uneducated! Go back to third grade!

  5. rob22

    February 3, 2015 at 2:35 PM

    You can say that Britt is getting a bad edit and won’t be the Bachelorette. But, remember Ali? She was edited as the wicked b*tch of the west & bloggers, including RS, were commenting on what an ice queen she was. But, they gave her time on WTA to rehabilitate her image then, voila! She’s the Bachelorette…. and a pretty popular Bachelorette, at that. Andi wasn’t that far off from that & a lawyer to boot (insert lawyer joke here). If you buy what RS is selling…. that the Bachelorette will be someone from the final four & it can’t be Becca (F2 timing & believability issues) or Whitney (F1, taken) & it absolutely won’t be Jade (self promoting nude model/aka not believable as the Bachelorette)…. well, do the math. The WTA will have her rescuing puppies, feeding starving kids and showing off her gourmet cooking skills while showing off the bod that God…. and (mostly) her personal trainer…. gave her. She’ll be fine.

  6. yankees4life

    February 3, 2015 at 2:52 PM

    If Jade has Raynaud’s she was definitely not faking! I have it and my fingers get numb sometimes when it’s 70 degrees out, so falling in ice cold water would definitely do it!

  7. auntiecairo

    February 3, 2015 at 3:30 PM

    The interesting (or disturbing) part about Kelsey’s “amazing” story – is that she makes it about herself. How she’s dealt with it. Everyone deals with grief in a different way — but this woman seems in need of serious counseling — her demeanor was kinda creepy — if it was 48 Hours she’d be a suspect in her husband’s death. At the very least – going on a reality show 18 months after the death of the alleged love of your life – is suspect. Was equally interesting seeing the non-reaction from the other women when Kelsey had her attack. Starting to think this Bachelor would have been better off on Farmersonly.com. …

  8. kims123

    February 3, 2015 at 4:16 PM

    As fcew mentioned earlier, it is not sadly common for people not to know New Mexico is a state. However, I am surprised that RS doesn’t realize that Santa Fe is a world class destination. It is constantly rated one of the top destination cities and the most romantic cities to visit. He has clearly never been there.

  9. arod

    February 3, 2015 at 5:23 PM

    I am very surprised by people hating on Britt. The whole time all I could think was: “there is no way her hair looks that good and people are always hugging her if she doesn’t shower”

    Kelsey… I don’t know. I really want to think editing made her look that way but it just seems her behavior is odd.

    If people want/need more bachcaps check: http://wp.me/p5AbHT-3P

  10. hattiebloom

    February 3, 2015 at 5:55 PM

    Regardless of editing, I decided last night that I don’t want Britt as Bachelorette. I don’t care if she showers once a year, she’s a total phony baloney. I don’t think I could stomach her “who……me???” personality for an entire season.

    Kelsey is a sociopath.

    The End.

  11. gemsnob

    February 3, 2015 at 7:29 PM

    This is in response to Nora from comments above. Don’t you remember Ali Fedowsky? She quit her job and moved out of her apartment to be the bachelorette. I think Britt being a “waitress” trumps “jobless” and homeless”!

  12. elizabeth82

    February 3, 2015 at 7:39 PM

    hattiebloom, I agree.

    Kinda surprised Steve thinks Britt’s “bad edit” only has to do with the stupid showering joke. I guess he really wants her to be The Bachelorette! The real problem with her is that she comes across like she might be acting and just not the most genuine.

  13. myrtlebeachbabe

    February 3, 2015 at 8:49 PM

    There are so many issues with these girls, what a train wreck. Kelsey is a sociopath, her next husband should be worried. Jade is lost, disgustingly fake and has no morals. Ashley I is superficial, immature, and insecure, and lose those lashes, it’s not a good look on you. MacKenzie(?)-21 yr old with son who believes in Aliens, way too immature for Chris, sweet, just too young. You could go on and on with the whole bunch, what a joke. So many cringe worthy moments Chris has to watch unfold. WTA will be a riot to watch. It will be interesting to see who will be the next Bach and who will be in BIP2, more train wrecks coming down the tracks. Such a guilty pleasure watching this scripted show but the manipulation of the girls for ratings is shameful, but as RS states, they signed up for it… It’s a true narcissistic group https://www.csub.edu/~cgavin/GST153/CelebrityStudy.pdf

  14. bianca

    February 3, 2015 at 9:50 PM

    There’s something off about Brit and I can’t quite figure it out, but it’s clear Steve is all about her cuz he keeps trying to find ways to justify her questionable edit (lol). I was also enamored with her when the season started, but again, as it progresses, I feel there is something not quite right about her. It remains to be seen I suppose…

    As for Kelsey’s ex – I agree with the poster above! Her reaction almost seems fodder for an episode of 48 hours, and I almost wonder if the cause of her husband’s death really might be worth investigating further!

  15. ladyjane747

    February 3, 2015 at 11:33 PM

    Britt is so fake and she ridiculously overreacts to everything. How big can she make her mouth when she’s trying to act surprised or excited? And I’ll bet she has hair extensions. LOL I don’t care if she’s the Bachelorette or not; I don’t have to like the lead (I usually don’t) to be entertained by the show; in fact, it’s almost better if I dislike the lead – more to make fun of!

  16. hattiebloom

    February 4, 2015 at 4:12 AM

    @arod,

    I clicked the link to your blog.

    A). It’s written in the exact same format and feel as Sharleen Joynt’s blog.

    B). Pretty tacky to come on another blogger’s site to promote your own.

  17. melbel1811

    February 4, 2015 at 10:44 AM

    My sister used to work with Kelsey….
    my sis said she’s fake/not genuine. What you saw of her on this episode is her true self!!! NOT AN EDIT. She really is this way in real life!!!!

  18. kbray06

    February 4, 2015 at 11:00 AM

    They ended the episode before the rose ceremony on Bachelor in Paradise just this past summer. Maybe it got them a ratings spike so they figured they would try it again.

  19. ksrsfan

    February 4, 2015 at 11:05 AM

    Oh my gosh, I can’t believe the weirdos they casted this season! I think they are all fakes, seriously, can Megan be THAT stupid??? Ashley (or as someone else called her, “Kardashley”) telling Carly that Chris wants a “real” woman while wearing way too much makeup and huge fake eyelashes! Are we sure she is not related to Erica Rose, for all her entitlement attitude??? ie: the Cinderella date was supposed to be mine!!

    And did anyone else notice that when Carly was talking with Chris after their date, she said “like” at LEAST 30 times? True, I re-watched it and counted!

    I wonder if Britt uses some sort of lotion or water-less bath product if she doesn’t shower and still smells good? You really cannot cover up weeks of BO with perfume.

    And the icing on the cake, well since the other Ashley got booted anyway, is Kelsey! I do not believe the producers had to encourage or fake her edit at all, she was LOVING having a “tragic but amazing” story to tell Chris to try to stay around! Then, when he cancelled the cocktail party, she surely realized that the reason he was upset was because he was planning on sending her home after just hearing her story, and he knew that would hurt her. So she had to try another ploy to get to stay…….Oh my! I am having a panic attack!!! BS!! I have seen panic attacks and the person is not laughing soon afterward! And I would be embarrassed and not want Chris to see me, not ask for him! I agree, they need to look into her husband’s death, if he was truly that amazing, and she was so devastated by his death, how could she even think of being on this show!

  20. super1

    February 4, 2015 at 12:01 PM

    In the last episode, Kelsey mentioned something about, not understanding the timing of it all regarding her spouse’s passing. Well, according to his obituary which RS posted a link to: Kelsey graduated college with her Master’s degree on May 18, 2013. Her spouse passed away within less than a week after that. (obit posted May 23 and services May 24). That had to be the hardest thing on earth for her to deal with. I am giving Kelsey a break. She probably isn’t done mourning her spouse. In hindsight, this show wasn’t a good idea for her.

  21. rosenfie

    February 4, 2015 at 12:33 PM

    Hi Steve,
    First time writing in!
    I have a couple comments on some of your thoughts about this week’s episode.

    Regarding Jade’s “circulation condition”, it sounds like she has Renaud’s Disease where your fingers, toes, etc go white and numb with the slightest chill. I have this “condition” (which isn’t at all serious), but it can be a total pain in the ass. I’ve walked around in flip flops in 80 degree weather and as soon as I go inside somewhere, my toes are white and numb. Truly uncomfortable and annoying. Or she could be full of $hit.

    Also, I don’t think Kelsey’s panic attack is real. When I saw her building up to it (it was very obvious what she was attempting to do), I turned to my husband and said “Uh oh – fake panic attack!”. And voila, there it was. I’ve had personal experience and can spot a good or bad act. There are many people out there who have a lot of anxiety, but there’s a difference between heightened anxiety and a full-blown panic attack.

    Thanks!

  22. robsbitch

    February 4, 2015 at 1:09 PM

    Finally they moved the show out of the country for an episode this season!

    Just kidding :p

    Really though, I never realized how much I watched this show for the travel until it was gone. Charlie O’Connell had the personality to carry a show in one location (wasn’t he in Tijuana the whole season – in actual Mexico?) Farmer Chris does not have the charisma to pull this off without the locale changes . I hope this isn’t a trend…

    And for the love of grammar Steve, it’s “all of a sudden”. Please let someone proof your blog – it’s painful.

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