-We are in Bali and the dates immediately begin. Not too much standing around doing nothing. Well, at least in the beginning of the episode. They saved that for the end. I mean seriously? They started a rose ceremony with 3 girls and only one getting eliminated with 30 minutes left in the show. Good Lord that dragged on longer than the Oscars. Of course, 3 months ago you knew he was going to pick Becca over Kaitlyn last night, but not just because I told you. Hell, I SHOWED you when I gave you this video of Chris and Becca in Strawberry Point, IA on Nov. 21st, the day before the final rose ceremony:
And yes, once the previews started running during the show and once Chris pulled Becca aside, the full freak out mode started with a lot of people. “OMG…I thought you said Kaitlyn goes home this episode! He’s sending Becca away!” Really? Even though you have video evidence of her making it to the final in Iowa? Some people, I swear. Just goes to show no matter what info I give people, no matter how solid my intel is, there will always be people who don’t believe and doubt. Oh well. I’ll just chalk it up to poor parenting.
-The week in Bali begins and Kaitlyn is up first. Before you ask, I do not know the actual order they were filmed in versus what we saw last night. I actually think Whitney went first, but that’s just a guess and based on a little info from back in November but it could be wrong. Does it really matter though? I mean really. That’s about as irrelevant as you can get. Lets talk about all this drum banging in Bali. Do people just line the streets to beat drums? Do they get paid for this? Was this just for show? Please help me out here because Chris and Kaitlyn walking the streets was pretty f***ing boring. Although Kaitlyn did jump into his arms and wrap her legs around him when he first saw her, so we’re off to a good start. They go to a local temple where no kissing is allowed. I believe that place was called “Ye Temple of Blue Balls.”
-After that they end up walking the streets of Bali chillin’ with the commoners. The best part about Bali to me is how the humidity makes Kaitlyn’s hair look disgustingly gross. Talk about nappy and stringy. Geez. Get some conditioner woman. Your frizzies are killing me. I can only imagine the split ends you were dealing with out there. If you need any product, I’ll help you out. That’s what I’m here for. He even introduces Kaitlyn to one of the locals as his “girlfriend.” What he didn’t specify was that, “Yeah, she’s my girlfriend, but just for today. I got a couple other ones too coming, and I’ll call them my girlfriend too.” Not sure if this makes Kaitlyn feel special or annoyed. Why not just number her while you’re at it? “Ummmm, this is girlfriend #3. Say hi.” When Chris then let monkeys climb all over him to eat bananas and relieve themselves on his shirt, you could tell the monkeys were #TeamKaitlyn. They knew she was going home. They knew she was Girlfriend #3. So they took it out on Chris shirt. That’s what you get Chris. Don’t ever dis Kaitlyn and her monkeys ever again, ya hear? They will go ape sh** on you. Get it? Sort of? Kind of? I’m hilarious.
-Kaitlyn and Chris start talking about her hometown date and she feels it went better than she thought it would, even though she thought it would go well. Ok. She knows she struggles with opening up and she needs to do that before her ass is sent packing. “Definitely scared to tell Chris how I’m feeling…I have my guard up…feel if I let that down…weird fear of loss.” So this obviously becomes Kaitlyn’s storyline for the ending of the show. Could it be hers heading into “Bachelorette?” Absolutely. I think they should pick Britt. If they pick Kaitlyn, she’ll be fine as well. It’s not like either one would completely bomb the show. The lead doesn’t make the show anyway. Kaitlyn would be fine as the lead, I just prefer Britt. But am I still gonna watch and spoil if it’s Kaitlyn? Of course. That’s why I don’t really care who gets the role. It won’t affect me either way. I’ve already started on “Bachelorette” spoilers, already have guys set to confirm, might already know a location or two they’re headed, so I’m fine with whoever they decide to go with. I’m not gonna throw a temper tantrum or anything if it’s Kaitlyn. I’ll just have to brush up on all my Canadian jokes for next season. I’m sure Canada will love me after that.
-Uh oh. It’s Fantasy Suite card time. “Chris & Kaitlyn, welcome to the magical island of Bali. Hope you enjoy your stay. If you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay together as a couple in the fantasy suite. We’ve installed sound proof walls, and we swear we aren’t hiding any mics anywhere in the room so we can hear Kaitlyn moan, “Oh Chris, you hoser, eh” during passionate love making. Kaitlyn: “I can’t imagine saying no to that.” Chris: “I think we deserve this.” This was basically the biggest no brainer of all no brainers, right? I mean for Christ sakes, this was the girl on the Jimmy Kimmel date who told him that she didn’t care if he banged the other two girls during overnight dates because it was “part of the process.” So to any of you who inevitably ask every season, “Does the lead sleep with all three girls,” the answer is no. Every season differs. But if you really have to ask if he slept with Kaitlyn, well then, you haven’t paid attention this season. I mean, c’mon. He totes did.
-When you give a couple a tub of roses in water, they kinda have to do it don’t they? I mean, that’s basically like giving them a giant jar of lubricant. Kaitlyn is starting to feel pressure to tell Chris how she feels. Exactly. Probably because her nether regions are overheating at this point and if she doesn’t tell him she loves him, he might forget about her the next morning. Kaitlyn: “I’m completely falling in love with you.” Chris: “I’m falling in love with you too.” Hmmmm, is that the same as telling him she’s in love with him? No. She’s still giving herself an out, and still not being 100% vulnerable, and still not….ahhhh, what the hell does he care. That’s good enough to go test out the box springs, isn’t it? Double or triple reinforcement you think? I think Kaitlyn said what she needed to do to make sure that the sex meant at least something. To her. Chris liked her, he was falling for her, but he knew he wasn’t picking her. No different than any other lead in the past that slept with more than one girl on overnights knowing who they really wanted. Your “Most Sincere” Bachelor ever, America!