Hi, hope you’re having a blessed day and hope you can help me out with this situation I’m in.
Back in high school when I was a junior (2001-2002) I was dating a guy for almost the whole school year. Anyway, we broke up. I hadn’t really talked with him or seen him since we broke up all those years ago. He had gotten married.
Anyway, he’s going through a divorce and is now on dating websites. He saw me on match .com and he connected with me there. He could have tried to look me on Facebook , but I go under a different name on there. I use my first and middle name.
Anyway, he asked to meet for lunch to catch up. Now I have no interest in ever dating him again. I know it’s not like it’s been a few years since we have seen each other, it’s been over a decade and maybe he does just want to catch up. However, lots of guys I know have always said it doesn’t matter how long a guy has seen an ex if he wants to meet up to catch up, then it’s because he wants to see if there could be a chance he could have her back.
What are your thoughts? Do you think he honestly just wants to catch up or he wants to do more than catch up?
Comment: Every situation is different, but there certainly is some merit to that. I don’t know the guy so I can’t begin to tell you want his intentions are. However, he obviously is familiar with you and you have a past, so it is a little easier to ask someone out that you know as opposed to a stranger. You won’t know what his intentions are until you go out with him. I’m sure a part of him wants to catch up to see if something else is there. That’s natural. If he does, and yet you have no interest in that, then just let him know. If it ends up being just lunch, then hey, you got a free Asian chicken salad out of it (I’m just assuming that’s what you’ll order based off absolutely nothing other than you’re a female).
Thanks for the spoilers & I`m so glad to hear that Kaitlyn is the next bachelorette!
Anyways, here’s my question. A few weeks ago (Feb 6) I went clubbing with some of my friends. I danced with a guy there that was pretty sweet and seemed pretty genuine (except the part where he asked me for a kiss and I refused because I don’t really go around kissing random people, but now I regret it). I felt like we had a good connection since I got to know him a little and he got to know me. I asked him where his friends were and he said he didn’t care because he was dancing with a pretty girl. At one point my dress kept riding up since it was pretty short and he helped me pull it down (instead of pulling it up to show more leg, so I thought it showed character). He thought I was joking when I told him I was single. He asked for my number (and told me not to give him a fake one) and I gave it to him.
Later on that night, he texted me and asked if I left already because he wanted to dance with me some more. He asked for my Instagram and since I was beyond drunk, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal so I gave it to him. I`m 23 and single so its not like I had anything to hide (he’s 24). But now that I’m sober, I look back upon the texts and I wonder why he kept asking for it? Like, he asked me for it and then he asked me why I haven’t accepted it.
I wanted to play hard to get and so I didn’t text him for a few days because I wanted to see how interested he was (or lack of interest). A week later I still didn’t get a text from him so I decided to reach out to him. We made some small talk but the conversation ended since he was giving a tour of the city to his dad that was visiting.
A few days later (this past Feb the 20) I texted him again just to show that I was still interested. We talked a little and he was playing beer pong, so I told him to text me later with the winking emoji because I wanted to leave it in his court to see if he would text me.
So basically, its close to being a week since we’ve talked, but he liked some pictures on my instagram that I posted. So what does he want from me? Was he just drunk that he was interested? Or do you think he lost interest? Or maybe he doesn’t think I`m his type anymore? What should I do? Should I just drop him or text him again? I don’t want to annoy him….
Comment: Man, the trials and tribulations of early 20 somethings. What a horrible, disastrous situation you’re in. I hope you can pull yourself through this.
So you’re asking me about a guy who’s liking your Instagram pictures but not talking to you? This is a thing? I’d say he’s a 24 year old horn dog that wanted to get in your pants at the club, and the second you left, wasn’t really interested anymore and probably moved on to someone else. This game playing on text and Instagram over the past couple weeks is silly.
Dear Reality Steve,
My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. I hadn’t made any contact with him whatsoever on my behalf after the break up. He tried calling me about a month after the breakup, without a voice mail or text following the missed call. I didn’t return the phone call or try to message him, I simply ignored it. About five days after that, I received an extremely confusing text message from him. He said that he had received a letter from me in the mail that he didn’t realize was from me when he first opened it. He asked me what it was about. I NEVER sent him a letter ever, not even when we were dating. I’ve never been more confused about a text message. I asked my family if they had ever sent him anything even though I know they don’t know his address. I’m so paranoid over it. I decided to ignore this text message as well because I feel like it could be a trap. I’m wondering if he was trying to get me to respond to him by making up some crazy story because he was mad I didn’t answer or return his call from a few days earlier. I also pondered whether his family or friends would send him something as a joke or to confuse him, but after meeting his family and friends and them seeming normal, I would like to think they wouldn’t do something like this. What do you think this could be? Have you ever heard of a guy making up such a bizarre story to get an ex’s attention? I feel like someone is doing something fishy whether it is him or someone else, I don’t feel like it would simply be him confused over a piece of mail he received, knowing from my own personal experience that I’ve never been confused over mail I’ve received. Thank you for your help Reality Steve!
Comment: Absolutely 100% he concocted a BS story to get you to get in contact with him. I’d ignore it. Yes, I’ve heard of this situation before, but the other way around because it happened to me (just not with an ex). However, multiply that by 1000 and that’s what I had to deal with. He’s making sh** up to get you to talk to him. Don’t give in.
Dear Dr. RS –
Sorry in advance – I think I missed the deadline for today but you can include it next week instead. This is going to be a long one…
This past September I discovered my boyfriend of 5 years, who I was living with, was cheating on me for at least the 2nd time (that I know of). I immediately packed up, moved out and never looked back. I shouldn’t have forgiven him after the first time but I thought we could make it work. Obviously not. He’s a loser and will probably die alone (side note – he was “middle-aged softball guy” to a T). About a week after I moved out, I received an email out of the blue from a guy I met on vacation when I was 19 (I’m 31 now, just as a frame of reference). Turns out, he lives 45 minutes from me. We went back and forth a few times with long emails, catching up on each other’s life. After a few emails, he revealed he had been dating a girl for the last 6 years, things had fizzled and he didn’t think she was the one. He was currently living with her and unsure how to go about breaking up with her. I was disappointed to hear he had a girlfriend, since we always had some sort of connection but kept my distance given my own situation and never would want to be “other person.” We met for drinks a few times to catch up, enjoyed each others company but kept it very platonic.
After meeting up a few times, he revealed he really liked spending time with me and was planning on breaking up with his girlfriend soon and moving out of their shared apartment. He wanted to continue to meet for brunch, dinner, whatever. I couldn’t have been happier to hear that but again, reminded him that until he was out of his apartment, we would not be crossing any lines and were strictly friends.
Over the holidays, things really began to pick up, texting daily, calls from him to say goodnight, etc. He told his family about me, said how they couldn’t wait to meet me. He finally moved out of his shared apartment in January and could not wait for me to see his new one. The first time I went to see it, things were a little awkward but we had a nice time hanging out. I had expected him to finally kiss me but he didn’t. Next time we hung out, we decided I would stay the night at his apartment. He finally did kiss me, but just a few times and did not try any other moves or anything. We cuddled and that was basically it. I was a little confused but assumed he was just trying to be respectful. Other than wanting a little more action, things couldn’t have been going better. We both felt a deep connection to each other and things seemed be going great.
We had lunch together on Valentines Day, hung out the rest of the day, I stayed the night again. No action but I just thought we were taking things really slow. I left the next day feeling great about things. He on the other hand apparently took a 180. A few days later he told me he needed some space and he felt like he was rushing into things too soon after just getting out of a relationship. This was the first time he was living alone in his life and needed to figure things out and adjust to things. This caught me completely by surprise since from the beginning he was pursuing me. He said he still wants to hang out sometimes but for now needs to take step back.
I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I understand him needing time but shouldn’t he have thought about it months ago when he was asking to see me 1-2 times a week and calling me every other day? Was I just his crutch to help him through his breakup and move? What the heck happened? Is it weird he didn’t try to do anything more than a few kisses (not even tongue!). Please help make sense of any of this.
Dazed and Confused
PS. Love the 3x week doses of RS – breaks up the work week nicely!
Comment: Another “Dazed and Confused?” Really? How about Dazed and Disappointed? You all suck this week on your alliterations.
It definitely seems pretty extreme, but to his defense, it was a girlfriend of 6 years he had. You say “shouldn’t he have thought about it months ago when he was asking to see me 1-2 times a week?” Sure. But until he saw you those times, maybe he didn’t realize he wasn’t ready. That’s what it sounds like.
I do think it’s weird that you guys did nothing physically and he’s pulling back. Seemed it’d make a bit more sense if you guys actually slept together and moved to quickly and then he was like, “Woah. I’m not ready for this.” But yeah, that is weird. However, what I find a bit more weird is a guy you met on vacation 12 years ago just randomly sends you an email after a 5 year relationship just ended? Were you friends on Facebook or something and he sent it? Or he just remembered your email? How did this guy find you? Seems kinda creepy. Unless you were FB friends and he was just following your status updates and could tell you were single (or was at least hoping), random dude from vacation 12 years ago emailing you out of the blue to ask for you help regarding HIS relationship situation is totally bizarre.
I would just respect the guy’s wishes and take a step back. Although considering the pace you two are on, it’s basically like you’re in a 5th grade relationship now. How interested in this guy are you? Are you ready to get back into something after a 5 year relationship ending? Keep in touch and see where it goes with him because he really could be telling the truth about not wanting to move so fast (even though fast isn’t really fast nowadays). Six years, he’s finally on his own, you’re the first girl who stays the night since his ex, I mean, I can see how he could get freaked out. I think he’s in the minority of guys like that but he definitely could be a little freaked by it.
Hi Dr. Steve,
First of all – I love your site! J I’ve been a loyal reader since Jake’s season and can’t even imagine how many hours I have spent on your website since. Thank you for all that you do.
I’m trying to get a guy’s point of view on my situation – I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 ½ years and our relationship has been better and easier than I ever thought a relationship could be. I know he adores me and he treats me incredibly well, so no issues there.
We’ve discussed it and known for about a year that we will eventually get married. I’m coming up to the point where I’d like to get engaged at some point this year – we’re 26 years old, both have great jobs in our chosen careers and I hope to buy a house by early next year. I’m sick of my money going down the drain in rent. I am not comfortable buying a house together unless we are well into an engagement or married (just my personal values). If we pool our money together we could afford a much bigger down payment and save thousands of dollars on insurance. To be clear, I definitely think we as a couple are ready to be engaged, but this house thing gives me a greater sense of urgency than I would otherwise have.
The problem is, I am very much a planner (which you can probably already tell) and he is more laid back. 99% of the time, I think that’s why we are so compatible, but I’m concerned he hasn’t realized the timing of everything. So far, I’ve only dropped hints by asking when he wants us to buy a house (“by spring of next year at the latest” he says) and he knows my thoughts on waiting until we are nearly married. I’m just not sure if he’s put A- B together to realize we would need to get engaged in the next 6-8 months. He’s not an idiot (has his Master’s in Physics), just not a planner like me. Even for my birthday or Valentine’s, he never plans anything ahead of time and realizes day of that he should do something. I’m normally 100% fine with that, I just will NOT be the one proposing so he’s on his own for this one.
Should I blatantly talk to him about the timeline of engagement and marriage? Would that make me seem desperate or crazy? I don’t want to because it ruins the romance of it all, but I don’t want this year to fly by and everything being delayed by a year because I didn’t say anything. I also don’t want to push him before he’s ready either, although he has told me several times he wants to marry me one day. Any thoughts? If you were the boyfriend, would you want this brought up, or does it ruin the fun/romance?
Comment: I’m with you on this one. I’m also a planner and yes, it can drive me a little batty with someone who isn’t. There’s some give and take, but when you like to plan things, you kinda just expect others to have an idea what planning consists of, and sometimes they don’t. I think in a situation like buying a house and getting engaged, that could end up being a problem. I would have a serious talk about it but not pushy about it. It’s a very slippery slope if you don’t word it correctly. I’ve never had that talk so it’s tough. Do it, just don’t be pushy about it.