Dr. Reality Steve,
Normally I would not write in about something like this but I thought I would get a non biased male opinion. I am a 22 year old girl and I live in a college town. I work at a place where a lot of other college age kids work. It is a very social workplace and it is common for coworkers to date. At the beginning of last summer I met a new guy at work (he is 24). We sat near each other and worked very similar hours as each other. We hit it off immediately. We had a lot in common and always had a great time at work together. From the beginning I was never attracted to him and always thought of him as a friend. We started becoming even closer and shared personal things with each other (family stuff, past relationships, etc.). I would tell him about guys I was currently interested in and he would give me advice. He would also tell me about girls he was interested in, most of whom we worked with. We started hanging out outside of work. We would never go on dates – it was always just hanging out. People at work started to ask me if we were dating which really bothered me. Can a guy and girl not just be friends??
Anyway, school started in August and everyones schedules changed. I never ever saw him at work anymore. He would text me all the time. Snapchat me all the time. He started saying things to me about how he was jealous of the guys I was going out with. I always shot that down immediately when he would say things like that to me. He would say weird things to me quite frequently and he knew I was not interested. This started to really bother me. I felt like he was suffocating me. He would not take no for an answer. he would show up at my apartment with no notice. One day he said, “I have no interest in being just friends with you.” I was sad that he said that to me (this was around the end of September). I was sad that he wanted to throw away our friendship because I did not want to date him. We stopped talking after that.
Then after a few weeks he started texting and snap chatting me again. He was acting like nothing happened and like he had never said he did not want to be my friend anymore. I was annoyed of his immature behavior so I would not respond to his texts/snapchats (yes, that was also immature of me too). I would just get really annoyed when I saw his name pop up on my phone and I had no interest in being part of the dramatic situation that he had created. I was also going through a really hard personal time. He knew a little bit about it and was always bugging me with questions and was always wanting to know the details – that bothered me a lot. I kept getting texts saying, what’s wrong?! What happened?! (idiot). At the beginning of January, it had been about 3 months since we had talked (well since I had responded to him). I was worried about seeing him at work (our schedules had changed again to accomodate the new semester). I knew I would run into him and I did not know how he would act, nor how I should act. It turns out he was going to avoid me and not make eye contact with me. I don’t blame him for this because I had been avoiding his texts for months. It was very awkward. People at work were noticing that we were not talking and asking me what had happened. I was seeing him enough at work that I was uncomfortable and quite honestly, it was immature the way we were both acting. I wanted to be able to be civil at work with him though I did not want to hang out outside of work with him.
I contacted him after a few weeks of awkward tension and let him know that I wanted us to be able to be cordial at work with one another. He agreed with me. When we would run into each other at work we would talk for a moment and be on our way. It was nice. Then he started texting me again – quite frequently. He kept asking me to hang out. I had no interest in hanging out with him and knew it would only lead to trouble (and lots of drama). I kindly came up with an excuse when he would ask me. After a while of this he started acting really cold towards me. He would not talk to me for a week and then the next week would act like everything was fine. It was totally hot and cold with him. Part of me wonders if I should ask him if something is wrong. Another part of me wonders if I should just let him act like a baby and not worry about it. The only thing is…. there is a small possibility that he could become my supervisor at some point. That is the only reason I am worried about what is going on with our friendship (or lack thereof?). I know I was not perfect and could have handled things better but I feel like he is acting very immature. Is he still upset that I do not want to date him? Because of the supervisor issue, should I try and mend whatever is going on? For the record, I do not care to be his friend and only put on a friendly face at work so there is not an awkward situation for either of us.
Sorry, this is a bit of a jumbled mess. I’m writing when I have a few minutes here and there at work. I would just like your opinion on the situation.
Aggravated in Arizona
Comment: A jumbled mess indeed. He sounds like a 24 year old dweeb who’s bummed he can’t get in your pants, but keeps trying in hopes that you change your mind.
Yes, he’s acting very immature. However, if he does become your supervisor and holds it against you in some way, I would suggest maybe looking for other work. Only because there would be no way to prove he’s purposely holding something against you at work, or not promoting you or whatever. Has he said something about that? Is he hinting that he’d make your life miserable or something? I would just wait it out and see how things go IF he becomes your supervisor. If not, then there’s really nothing to worry about because you can just carry on like you have been. Other than that, he’s just being a spoiled baby because he can’t get what he wants. Let him. Be the bigger person and don’t give him the time of day.
Dr. Reality Steve,
I’m the girl who wrote you last week about meeting up with an ex I hadn’t seen in 10 years and was wondering if he was meeting up with me to see if there was a way where we could be together again. Well, I think he maybe was. He didn’t come out and say it, but I could tell he was trying to kiss me or something. Want to know what he did? I thought he was just walking me back to my car, but he got in my car and sat in the passenger side and talked to me for an hour. It was odd. When he was getting in, I thought, “what are you doing”. I kept on saying how much I love being single so that way he won’t think there is anything. Anyway, I didn’t get the Asian chicken salad that you thought I would get. We met at a local farmers market and I had a hot dog and fries, but he did pay for it.
Anyway, I need your help with something else now. Back in high school I worked with this guy at a movie theater and I had a big crush on him. I’m not sure if he knew or not. Anyway, he saw me on plenty of fish and sent me a message. In his first message to me, he said he liked my profile and seemed like a nice girl or something like that. Anyway, I knew who he was, and I thought does he not remember me? I was relieved and kind of scared at the same time he didn’t. Anyway, then he sent me another message telling me, “oh now I remember you. We used to work together back in the day.”. And I just played dumb. I said, “oh I thought you looked familiar”. Maybe he did think he knew me and thought maybe if we talked for a bit he could figure it out. I never gave any hint that we knew each other.
I told him how they’re turning the old theater we used to work at into an iMax and he didn’t know and asked if I have been to the theater that was built about a year ago that was turned into a dinner and a movie. I told him know and he said we should go one day. My question is, is he asking me out on a date or not? I really liked him back in the day. I don’t want to get my hopes up. I mean me and him were never really friends when we worked together. Does he see me as a potential girlfriend? Any help would be great! Thanks so much!
Comment: You seem to be meeting up with a bunch of your ex’s from high school. If I’m not mistaken, the ex from last week was your HS boyfriend as well. Or maybe college.
I mean, you met this guy on a dating site and then he asked you to go to a dinner and a movie place. Sounds like a date to me. I think you’ll be able to tell more as you talk to him heading into the date. As for if he sees you as a potential girlfriend? Hell if I know. He hasn’t even gone on a date with you yet. Lets not put the cart before the horse. That’s what he’s asking you out for. To see if there’s potential as a girlfriend. So don’t overdo it and don’t come across as super giddy because you’re dating a guy you thought was the bees knees in high school. A lot has happened since then. He may be a complete douche now, you never know.
I have a doctor Reality Steve question that I would like a males perspective on.
I am a successful mature woman who can take care of herself. I have been single by choice for about 10 years. I am not really looking for someone, but have dated some. I am not against having another serious relationship if the right person came along, but not really actively pursuing one.
My question to you is why are men intimidated, turned off by a successful non needy woman. I cannot figure that one out.
Love your articles,
Stumped and Clueless
Comment: This is not nearly detailed enough for me to answer. You say you’ve been single for 10 years by choice, would be interested in a serious relationship but not really pursuing one, then saying men are intimidated by successful non needy women. It’s a pretty blanket statement to throw out there regarding all men. Maybe it’s just the ones that you’re dating? It sounds like you’ve dated a lot of duds and you’re not in the greatest frame of mind right now when it comes to the opposite sex. You need to change that. Sounds like you already have a negative attitude going in, and my guess is it’s showing. Kinda hard to say though because you didn’t provide much info, but I’ll go with that for the time being because I’m a genius. Good luck.
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