-Chris Harrison starts us out in front of the mansion blabbering on about how this is, no, not the “most dramatic season ever,” but the “most controversial.” Says who? Because Sean Lowe tweeted out he thought it was degrading to have two “Bachelorettes?” Not quite. There’s nothing controversial about what they did. They were bored of having the same exact thing happen on every first night episode, so they decided to change it up and have two girls instead of one. Really not a big deal. The hilarious part is every social media post and every interview for the last week has the show having to pretend like who the guys pick is some big surprise. I mean geez. You guys had THREE public dates where you sent out emails to viewers asking them to show up and be a part of the “Bachelorette,” yet you turn around and promote the show with, “Who will the guys choose?” So dumb and makes them look so amateur. Granted, there are plenty of people out there who’ve lived under a rock for the last 2 months and didn’t have a freakin’ clue who the “Bachelorette” was, but to pander to that audience is ridiculous.
-We then see clips of Kaitlyn and Britt’s journey on Chris’s season, or what I like to call “The lucky girls who didn’t end up having to fake like they were excited to move to Bumblef**k, Iowa.” You know, like Whitney’s been doing the last two months. We see them at the photoshoot for their promo shots and Britt looks natural having done this before. Kaitlyn looks nervous and unsure of what to do when posing for a camera. Of course, what they didn’t show is these two behind the scenes bad mouthing the other one. Of course that’ll never get out and these two have been playing nicey nice to the media because, well, they have to. But make no mistake, they are not friends, neither cares for the other, and each has bad mouthed the other one behind their back. These two couldn’t be more opposite and basically are just putting on a show for the public in the last couple weeks. Neither liked being in the situation they were in and they made it known. Just wish they’d actually cat fight about it and stop pretending to be BFF’s.
-Now we get our intro videos to 9 of the guys. They are:
Jonathan: He’s 33 from Detroit, Michigan and works in the automotive industry. He’s also the father of a 5 year old son named Skye and we see them frolicking around in the snow a lot. He’s also black which means, like a horror movie, he doesn’t last long. He says he’d like for the “Bachelorette” to be Britt.
Joe: He’s 28 from Columbia, KY and has the thickest country accent we’ve heard in a while. Gomer Pyle comes to mind. Well Shazaam! He’s throwing the tennis ball with his dog which is the universal sign for “I’m the relatable guy that they want their audience to like. Not to mention I can blow into a jug with the best of them.” He’s always that you treat people how you want to be treated. Which I guess is his way of saying he’s a Southern gentleman that’s gonna charm the pants off Kaitlyn. Literally and figuratively. He says he’s hoping the “Bachelorette” will be Kaitlyn.
Josh: He’s 27 from Chicago and graduated law school. Needed to find a job to pay for college, so he decided stripping was the way to go. In this staged video where people were told to come in and be part of, Josh shakes his money maker on stage, all while picking up girls to straddle him, take money out of their mouth with his mouth, and forcefully have them rub their hands on him. I’m sure this will be on his video reel when he applies for “Thunder Down Under.”
Brady: He’s 33 from Nashville, TN and our resident musician this season. He says he’s gotten to travel all over the world playing his music, but true love has escaped him the most. Says he’s hoping that Britt is the “Bachelorette.” Brady got his wish and don’t think that was coincidental either. I’m not saying they already knew what they were going to do with Brady, I’m just saying it certainly didn’t happen organically. Nothing on this show does.
Joshua: He’s from Kuna, Idaho which by the looks of this video makes Arlington, Iowa seem like New York City. Another small town boy, living in a loooooonely woooooorrld. Or something like that. He chops wood in his wife beater, can’t meet any chicks in Kuna, and is given the first metaphor of the season to say: “Love and welding have something in common. With the right amount of heat and connection, two pieces can become one. Sparks are gonna fly.” Great. And I’m gonna hurl.
Ian: He’s 28 and lives in Venice Beach, CA. He ran track at Princeton but almost died after being hit by a car and was in a coma for a day and a half. He’s absolutely there for Kaitlyn and wants her to be the “Bachelorette.” Well there you go, Ian. That’s why you’re on the show. Well that and you help their lacking minority quota every season.
Jared: From Warwick, Rhode Island and makes it known he knows what he wants. He’s looking for love. His super hero alter ego is Love Man and here’s there to rescue the “Bachelorette.” How about you try and save all of us from your corniness and give it a rest, pal? Embarrassing.
Tony: Tony is Mr. Meditation. “The further I drift away, the closer I get to where I want to be.” So once you drift off this show, will you be closer to never being on our TV again? He’s into flexibility therapy, is a healer, and he’s always been sensitive. No sh** Tony? Never would’ve guessed that. And oh yeah, he talks to plants, which makes the plants the smartest thing in that room.
Ben Z.: He’s a personal trainer from San Jose, CA. His mom died when he was 14, so expect that to be shoved down our throats for the next few weeks. When it doesn’t work out for him and Kaitlyn I’m sure he won’t regret at all coming on this show.