-Once the cocktail party started, Kaitlyn didn’t take long to turn into Jokey McJokerstein with her knock knock joke. Of course, since Britt is there looking for her life partner, her best friend, her adventurer and any other ridiculous adjective you can think for being placed on a television show where you have no say who’s picked for you and expected to be engaged to them in less than two months, maybe we see now why the guys chose Kaitlyn. A little more fun, no? Or maybe because they were all led in that direction to vote for Kaitlyn. One of the two. Whatever the case, for 42nd time this episode we’re reminded again that Kaitlyn and Britt are two different people. We get it. Kaitlyn likes sexting, sending nude pics, and has no problem talking about sex in the fantasy suite, yet Britt wants no part of that. What’s that age old saying, “Prudes always lose.” Very old saying. Like, about 30 seconds since I just made it up.
-Ryan B. has a knock knock joke of his own for Britt.
Ryan B.: “Knock, knock.”
Britt: “Who’s there?”
Ryan B.: “Interrupting cow.”
Ryan B.: “Mooooooooooooo!!!!”
Seriously? Can we please stop it with the f***ing knock knock jokes? Are we 6? Has there ever been a funny knock knock joke? Ever? Grown adults need to stay away from two things during first impressions: knock knock jokes and anal toys, both of which we saw last night. This franchise never ceases to amaze me.
-Shawn B. needs to seriously slow his roll because he’s falling in love. “I believe in love at first sight & I actually think it might’ve happened tonight when I saw Kaitlyn out of the limo.” Easy there, bud. Lay off the hyperbole. I wanna take your poor man’s Ryan Gosling’s looks and take you seriously, but when you say stupid sh** like that on the first night, I lose all faith in you as a man. Also, I think we might wanna start backing off the Gosling comparisons since I don’t recall Ryan Gosling having an underbite. Shawn I say play it slow, quit spewing what producers are telling you to say with the whole “love at first sight nonsense,” and just chill out. Usually people who are that giddy on night 1 are done early. Obviously we know Shawn is around til the end, but good golly, act like you’ve liked a girl before. Geez.
-Tony talks to Britt about all his weirdness. Britt never calls him out for saying the same thing to Kaitlyn he said to her out of the limo. Tony says that he initially came on the show for Kaitlyn, but after talking to Britt, he’d changed his mind and decided he will choose Britt. I’m not sure what type of first impression you can make on a girl when you’re staring her straight in the face with a black eye, greasy hair, and a ginormous creep factor vibe you’re giving off. Namaste Tony. Exit stage left and go have sex with your plants. They miss you.
-Clint sits down with Kaitlyn and says he drew her a picture. He didn’t know who the “Bachelorette” was gonna be so he hopes she likes it. It was a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops. This was glorious. Everything you would’ve expected it to be. On Twitter last night, Clint gave the reason why he drew Chris Harrison on a triceratops:
I drew Chris on the Triceratops Bc I'd never seen Chris on a triceratops before & 2 b honest w you I just wanted 2 see Chris on a triceratop
— Clint Arlis (@ClintonArlis) May 19, 2015
Well I guess that explains that now, doesn’t it? Ummmmm, thanks?
-Chris Harrison enters the room and says the voting box is open. Guys can go in there and vote at any time. You place a rose in the ballot box for the one girl you have feelings for. Tony is the first one to step up and immediately went to the voting booth to vote for Britt. “The energy coming from the chest with Britt’s name on it was pulsating.” Tony, you’re a freakin’ whack job. He then puts it in Britt’s box. A lot stuff being put in boxes tonight and that is just too funny not to acknowledge. It’s like the creators of “Burning Love” decided to write the script for this first episode. Too bad after tonight, there’s only one box left to talk about this season. Something I’m guessing Nick already had pictures of before the season began filming based on Kaitlyn’s Seacrest interview yesterday.
-Crazy Tony votes immediately because the Zen Gods told him to vote for Britt. Or maybe it was his plants. Or some rock formation. Whatever the case, he votes for Britt right away then goes back to applying to some concealer to cover up his shiner. Jared is next and he’s really torn about who to vote for. Both made a great impression on him and we see him put it in her box, we just don’t know which girls box he slipped it in. Lets at least hope they know. You don’t want to put it in anyone’s box without them knowing. I’m pretty sure you can go to jail for that. I think Jared kinda looks like someone you’d see in the “Hobbit.” I don’t know if it’s the hair over the ears thing, or the shark teeth, or the fact he looks about 5’2” but I’m missing something on him. But hey, good luck buddy.
-Ben H. asks Kaitlyn about her “bird tattoos” on the back of both her elbows. Immediately Kaitlyn is impressed by this because no one’s asked her that. Not even Chris last season. Ooooohhhhh, shots fired! Nice little dig there by Kaitlyn. She says they are the only birds that always fly home and home is important to her. She’s lived in a lot of places but she always flies home for any important things in her life. Kaitlyn, after what you pulled this season, you could get a giant sunflower on the small of your back and I’d still think you’re the bees knees. And yes, pretty impressive how Kaitlyn has grown on me since last season when I was all about Britt. Of course, it basically all comes down to her decision this season. If she would’ve picked someone, then I certainly wouldn’t have changed my opinion of her. But being the female Brad Womack does have its perks I tell ya’.
-More McDizzy. Shawn E. pulls him outside to ask him why he disrespected his entrance when “I don’t even know who you are.” Drunk McDill’s retort? “Who are you? You do suck by the way. Everything about you.” Don’t you love being in an argument with a drunk person? They think so logically and always have very well thought out answers that make complete sense. It’s like McDill was mad at Shawn for what Shawn did, even though he did nothing. And when any argument you have ends with the drunk person saying, “you suck. Everything about you,” pretty sure you win that battle. ABC has been promoting the hell out of that new game show “500 Questions.” For the love of God, if they had any sense about TV programming, they’d give Ryan the bottle of moonshine that Joe brought to the show, have him down it in record time, then put him up there as one of the contestants. Hilarity would ensue. I should be a TV programmer. And then once Ryan’s appearance on “500 Questions” is over, you set up a faux reality show where he and “Frank the Tank” go streaking in the quad around college campuses.
-Ryan then pulls Britt outside. JJ comes up and says, “The bar said they have another drink for you.” Ryan pleads for 5 more minutes, JJ walks away, and Jonathan comes in to save her. Next scene is Ryan now talking to Kaitlyn telling her how good she looks. He runs his hand down her side then kinda gave a quick slap on her ass saying “Very Ryan approved.” Ben Z. then pulls Ryan aside to say that wasn’t cool, and Ryan says “don’t ever f***ing talk to me again.” We’ve gotten to the stage of drunkenness where Ryan is completely inconsolable on anything. Granted, I figured Kaitlyn to be one who would enjoy a little slap on the ass. Guess not. You think Nikki was at home watching this last night saying to herself, “You know, maybe being with Juan Pablo wasn’t so bad after all.” Funny story about Nikki. I’ve never tweeted anything to her in my life. Nor would I. Yet I saw a couple retweets so I went to her account to see if she said anything about her ex Ryan, and she had blocked me. You know you probably shouldn’t be on social media if you’re blocking people who’ve never tweeted at you before. Talk about thin skin. Poor girl. Loves being on TV and loves the attention – except when it’s negative, which is basically what Twitter has become.
-At this point, Ryan strips down into his speedo and goes in the pool while the other guys watch in amazement. We see him with drink in hand fall down by the pool, then walk into the voting booth knocking the giant picture of Kaitlyn down, then while standing at the boxes choosing who to vote for with rose in hand, he starts talking to both Kaitlyn and Britt’s picture on the wall before chucking the rose across the room. When your BAL reaches the point of a dominant relief pitcher’s ERA, talking to photos on the wall probably seems like the normal thing to do. Once out in the hallway, the greatest conversation you’ll ever hear took place. We see Ryan putting his shirt back on when JJ confronts him. This happened:
JJ: “Why are you taking your shirt off?”
Ryan: “Why am I not raping you right now?”
Ok then. Good talk.
-Security guy in the hat comes into the room a little bit later and says to Ryan, “Chris Harrison would like to speak with you.” Ryan’s response: “Chris Hansen.” Yes, Chris Hansen wants to meet with you. He wants to ask why you arrived at the mansion with some lube, condoms, and handcuffs. Just to talk, right? Chris meets him outside, says he’s not here for the right reasons, and they’re gonna send him home. Really Chris? You couldn’t think of a better send off for Ryan than the ol’ standby of “not here for the right reasons?” How about, “You can’t be piss drunk, you can’t be wildly inappropriate, and you can’t start slapping asses on our show Ryan. This is a family show.” Ryan says, “Is that it?” and then gets into the van. I hate that we don’t at least get a second night of McDill being shmammered. It’s depriving us all. So sad.
-Tanner is sitting with Britt telling her he watched last season and that’s when Britt chimes in with him giving her the tissues. She thinks it was kind of a shot at her for being emotional. Tanner: “That didn’t go over well.” We see him in the next scene in a group of guys saying, “I like Kaitlyn.” Gotta love Tanner doing a 180 on Britt once he realized his tissue joke went over about as well as a fart in church. I’m guessing we all know who Tanner voted for now. If I had to guess (and I’m going with McDill actually ended up successfully putting a rose in a correct box), I’d say Kaitlyn won the vote 14-11 or 15-10. In the short clip we see of Chris Harrison taking roses out of Britt’s box (sorry, can’t help myself), she had at least 6 roses in the pile and I don’t think he was done. But whatever. I don’t think the vote really matters. We’ve known since the day after the vote happened it would be Kaitlyn so it’s not like tonight’s episode should have anybody watching with their jaw to the floor.
-I still don’t know why the show didn’t acknowledge this shortly after it happened. To sit there for the last week and have Britt and Kaitlyn conduct interviews with the media and not be able to talk about anything past night one is just dumb. There were PLENTY of pictures, media outlets, and stories over the last two months where we knew Kaitlyn was the “Bachelorette,” not just this site. So it’s not like only one guy was reporting it and there was no visual evidence of it so they could still mask the secret. The whole thing is just silly because you’re building this hype around who the guys chose since you started promoting the season, and even people who don’t read the episode-by-episode spoilers by now know who was chosen. I think they would’ve been better suited to announce it maybe a week after she was chosen, then start the media firestorm like they would any regular season. What’s worse is the media outlets that kiss ABC’s ass and agree to do these interviews with Britt and Kaitlyn all well knowing who was chosen, just so they can get interviews later on. If you’re a news/entertainment outlet, and you bow down to them and do softball interviews like I’ve seen the last week, just know you look completely embarrassing. When information has been out there for 2 months and you don’t acknowledge, you start to lack credibility. Fine by me. Means it just builds this site’s credibility season after season after season.
-Kaitlyn sitting with Shawn B. after telling him he smells delicious or something like that. They start talking about their niece and nephew, and his nephew drew Kaitlyn a picture of her and it was basically what you’d expect from a kid. Stick figure of a girl. Kaitlyn says in an ITM: “This is the closest I’ve felt to love at first sight.” This on the heels of Shawn saying earlier in the episode that he also might’ve experienced love at first sight when he saw Kaitlyn for the first time out of the limo. Oh boy. This is heading for a serious disaster. Yesterday in an interview with the Huffington Post, Chris Harrison said there’s a “full Mesnick” this season, meaning that at some point, someone will be wailing away over a railing like Jason did after letting Molly go. I don’t know who he’s referring to this season, but we can pretty much narrow it down to 3 people: Kaitlyn, Shawn, or Nick. I’d be stunned if it was someone other than those three.
-Then they show a few guys in the voting booth placing their roses in boxes. So the overall tally of votes we actually see take place in the voting booth:
Kaitlyn: Ian, Ben H., Chris, Corey, and Ben Z.
Britt: Tony, Jonathan, Kupah, Josh
Although I think Jared voted for Kaitlyn, and we saw Justin on the couch telling a guy he voted for Britt. And we obviously know Shawn voted for Kaitlyn because he’s obsessed with her. So when tonight’s episode starts, I highly doubt he’s gonna say what the results of the voting were. But we know it’s Kaitlyn and we’ll see her cocktail party and first rose ceremony. The one question I’ve been getting asked the most so far seems to be Britt and Brady’s relationship and how much we’ll see. I don’t know. I don’t see the episodes in advance outside of the premiere every season, so I have no idea how much or how often we’ll get an updated on their relationship. Obviously Chris Harrison’s weekly TVGuide.com interview today didn’t say much because he still could only answer questions regarding what we saw last night. However, I’m guessing in future interviews he does (not sure if there will be another one tomorrow), I gotta believe he’ll be asked about Britt and Brady since we’ll see Brady leave the rose ceremony tonight for a chance at Britt. And obviously Chris is aware these two have been spoiled out in public, so it’d be idiotic for him not to address it. I saw one interview where he said the “Bachelorette” that’s not chosen, “doesn’t have a part in the show, but she has a piece of the show.” So there you go. I’m sure we’ll get more as the season continues.
Enjoy tonight. Be back tomorrow with a quicker recap since the episode is only an hour, plus our first “Reader Emails” installment this season.
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