Back tonight with another live video chat at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST. I’m back home in Texas, I’m on my computer that works better, I’m in an air conditioned house, and we’ve got a screener again. So things will be back to normal. It’s always a little chaotic doing the live chat on the road, so good to be back home as I will be there for the foreseeable future on Thursday nights. Believe it or not, I’m back in Vegas next weekend for my friends’ wife’s 40th birthday party. He was the one that actually gave me the idea to throw mine back in June, but now it’s time for his wife’s and, well, you didn’t think I’d pass that up did you? He planned this six months ago, so I’m in. One problem. Right now, the guest list is 23 couples…and me. Nothing like being the 47th wheel! Then again, I’m sure I’ll find a way to entertain myself somehow. It’s Vegas. How can I not? I’ll hang at the pool, go get a massage, plop myself down at the sportsbook for hours. Yeah, I’m good. But sure it does suck a little that not only am I hanging with 23 couples, it’s 23 MARRIED couples. And pretty much all of them have kids. Pray for me. Anyway, here are your “Dr. Reality Steve” emails for the week. Enjoy…
Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
I am a long time reader who has always appreciated your wit and candor. Although I no longer watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette, I continue to read your columns. Keep up the great work!
Here is my situation: I am a 24 year old graduate student who has never had any relationship experience of any kind. While I am open to dating, the opportunity has never presented itself and my school commitments keep me busy anyway. I am a 6’3″ female who is pretty shy/quiet, and I sometimes think these features are a major detractor for men.
A few days ago, I met someone while out at an event. Our conversation was pleasant enough, and we exchanged numbers at the end of afternoon. I have started wondering about a few things though:
1) Is it unattractive at my age to have no dating experience? Should I ever admit to that?
2) Is it fair of me to go out with someone who I only feel lukewarm about? He is much shorter than me and that’s a big turnoff. But, I would at least get my toes in the dating pool.
3) How can I work on my insecurity about my height?
Thanks for your response in advance. You seem to get a kick out of alliteration, so I’ll sign off that way.
Clueless in California
Comment: So lets address each question have separately, Miss Alliteration.
1) To be 24 with no dating experience is definitely not the norm nowadays, however, no guys you date from this point on need to know that. Sure, you can say you’ve never had a serious boyfriend, but I wouldn’t admit to having no dating experience. I don’t think it’s that big of deal to not admit to that, and even lie about it and say you’ve just dated around and not found that guy. If you meet someone and you do end up together, then maybe down the line you can tell him you lied about your dating experience when you first met. I wouldn’t think he’d take that poorly. He shouldn’t. And if he does, then he’s not for you.
2) That’s up to you. If you want to go out with someone just to do it and get some dating experience under your belt, even though you’re not totally 100% sold on the guy, that’s fine. That’s why it’s called dating. You try different things out, different people out, and you begin to determine what you like and don’t like.
3) Well, it’s not like you’re going to shrink all the sudden. Your height is your height. I think we all have insecurities about ourselves, and yours just happens to be how tall you are. And yes, if you think shorter men are a turn off, then your dating pool definitely shrinks a little. But it doesn’t mean you can’t find someone. People deal with insecurities in different ways. Just know that your height isn’t some sort of flaw or something is wrong with you. It’s nothing you can control. There are plenty of guys who are attracted to tall women. You just need to find them. Try dating sites (although not my personal preference), but at least you can create a filter where you ask for only guys that are a certain height.
Dear Dr Reality Steve,
I wanted to update you on my relationship and ask a few new questions.
I’m the person who wrote you last month about this guy from my office who I dated for a year and a half and thought I was gonna marry, only to find out he had been dating other women while still going out with me. Original link: https://realitysteve.com/2015/ 06/18/the-bachelorette- kaitlyn-spoilers-dr-reality- steve-3/#$$nq5hu2&& T6zAxhXfEeWuGgqLpIzNaQ$$
Here is the update: after 2-3 weeks of going home after work to cry, feel miserable, eat ice cream, and stay in bed (like Rachel from Unreal) I decided to follow yours and your readers’ advice of pulling myself together. I deleted all his emails, donated the things that reminded me of him, started seriously hitting the gym and I even dropped a dress size, started volunteering and I felt better. Particularly volunteering gave me new energy and hope. My work colleagues started saying that I look great, so I decided to celebrate by buying a new dress on my new size. Yes of course I still miss him every single day, and I get very sad and cry often whenever I remember the amazing days we had, because yes, I was happy, even with all our issues I was very happy with him, I loved him and wanted to marry him.
Last Sunday one of my work colleagues had a birthday brunch. She didn’t know I dated him, but she had noticed I had a huge crush on him. So she ended up inviting him to the brunch as a surprise for me. Of course she sat him next to me and it was super awkward. He told me I looked very beautiful (I was wearing my new dress). I was polite and tried to make small talk although I just wanted to leave. Two hours and two mimosas later, we were having such a great time, he was touching my hand, his arm around me, we had the great conversations and fantastic chemistry we used to have. It felt as if nothing had happened. He told me he was going to California to see his parents on the 15th of this month. He texted me later that day “being with you today and having such a great time made me realize how much I miss you, I miss you so much.” I texted him back that I missed him very much too.
A couple of days later he wrote me a long email telling me that when we decided to take some time off, he understood it as a break, so he started dating. He said that he never wanted to hurt me, and that he knew that when we slept together after he had been on dates, he knew that it was bad, he knew that “had he told me that day that he was dating other people, he knew I was not going to stay and then he wouldn’t have had a last chance of telling me that he loved me.” He ended the letter saying that he hoped I would forgive him someday.
He also made it seem as if his dates weren’t that serious, he said that he wasn’t really sleeping around and that he was just going out for drinks and theater. He told me that he loved me and that he missed me. He also asked me when it was my birthday and maybe he should take me out. I ate it all up, and fell right back in love, where I was before.
I wrote him back telling him I loved him, that I had already forgiven him, but that he had said that he wasn’t going to marry me and he thought we weren’t going to have a happy life together.
He wrote back that he never said that –unfortunately I already deleted all his emails so I can’t send it back to him. He said that he wanted to marry me but that he didn’t want to fulfill all my “preconditions.” I told him I didn’t have any preconditions, which is true, that I just wanted to be with him, that’s all I want. He never answered that email.
My birthday is this upcoming weekend so I texted him last night asking him if he wanted to go out for brunch. He said that he wasn’t going to be around next weekend but that he can take me out for dinner on Thursday. I asked him “oh, I thought you were going to be around because you are in California until the 15th?” he answered that this weekend he is going away on a weekend trip with a woman he is seeing.
Here we go: I feel terrible, again. I was hurt for those love letters and for hoping again that we could make it work. They are going to a very romantic place I wanted to go, so now I feel even worse (good luck trying to take the idea of him with someone else out of my head).
I texted him “what were all those love letters you sent last week? and last year I begged you many times to go away on a weekend with me, but you were always busy or didn’t have money to go away” he texted back “I just got promoted and got a good increase so I have money now, but anyway she is inviting me and paying for the weekend. We should get together to talk, I don’t think this is going to work.”
I don’t really want to talk to him. What else is there to talk about? but I don’t want to look like the immature exgirlfriend, although let’s face it, I’m angry and very hurt, again. Now I have a birthday weekend to go through alone trying not to think of him on a romantic weekend with another woman, (happy birthday to me!) plus I feel less because I’m assuming she has the money to take him away whereas I could pay at most half our weekend away and that’s another reason why we never went away.
The truth is, I don’t think he is a bad person, so I’m very confused and sad again by all this.
Here are my questions:
Why did he write all those caring, love emails last week? Why did he downplay his relationship making it seem that “we only go out for drinks and theater”? I’m assuming his weekend with this woman was already planned by the time he wrote those letters. What does he want from me?
Not Joyful in NJ
Comment: It’s kinda hard to answer for a guy I know nothing about other than what you’ve told me. So to ask, “Why did he do this” and “Why did he do that,” would be just pure speculation and wouldn’t give you the answer I think you’re looking for.
What I can tell you is you need to rid yourself of this guy. You are not a priority to him, you’re an option. Plain and simple. Yes, I know he said all those nice things and that he misses you and blah blah blah, but then never backed it up with any real actions. He didn’t even know when your birthday was. Maybe it’s because I’m good with dates and what not, but I still know the birthdays of every ex that I’ve ever had. Well, the important ones at least.
I just think this guy is blowing smoke up your ass and when he feels like it, he wants you. But that’s not all the time, and you don’t want someone like that. Regardless of who’s paying for this weekend with that girl, the fact is he’s spending a weekend with a girl that’s not you. That should tell you all you need to know about where you stand with him. As hard as it may be, you need to move on from this guy. I mean, lets not forget he did tell you he didn’t think you’d get married because you wouldn’t have a happy life together. He can backtrack on that now, but you seem pretty sure he said that, so I’m guessing he did. A woman wouldn’t forget something like that.
You’re not a priority to him, and probably won’t ever be. Cut your losses, and try and meet somebody that actually wants to be with you.
Hi Dr. Reality Steve,
First off, I just wanted to say I love your site. I love how you ridicule the Bachelor/ette, its really the only reason I keep up with the show. Onto my problem…
So Im 18, just graduated high school. There’s this guy I’ve sorta had a crush on who happens to be my best friend. I’ve known him for years but he’s never seemed to reciprocate the feelings I have for him. The problem is that we sorta have a friends with benefits? I went over to his house about a week after graduation and well we started spooning and cuddling/snuggling. It wouldn’t bother me except that he started holding my hand and eventually started kissing me. We didnt have sex but we ended up kissing a lot. Well it’s made me confused. He hasn’t said if we’re a couple so I just brushed it off as a one time thing. Well now he’s talking about taking things further with me. I’ve told him point blank Im not going to take things further with him unless we were to start dating. To make things even more complicated, he gets mad at me for looking at other guys. If I even mention any other guy I’ve talked to, my friend will automatically bash them. Yet, he frequently talks about other girls he flirts with. I dont know why he thinks he has a right to control who I talk to. I mean, I was his prom date but that was only for one night and afterwards we made it clear to each other that we’re NOT a couple.
Honestly you’re unbiased so I thought I’d ask you what to do about this situation. I know, it probably seems really ridiculous but after getting over my crush this whole mess started and well… I just don’t know what to do. He’s my best friend, I love all the good times we had but I hate being confused about where we stand. He says that we’ll keep in touch but A. I’m not sure how long that’ll last and B. I don’t want him to keep in touch with me just so I can be his booty call. Anyways, your advice would be much appreciated.
Troubled in Texas
Comment: One thing not addressed in this email is where you guys are going off to college. Are you guys being separated in a month or so when college starts? If so, then I say forget it. If you’re going to the same college, or you would still be able to see each other, I’d say at least give it a chance. You’re right in saying that you don’t want to move further if you aren’t dating. If he doesn’t want that, then you won’t. Simple. He’ll have given you your answer. But I think that answer might be hinging on what’s happening with college. If you guys are about to be separated, I’m sure his answer is going to be he doesn’t want to start dating you.
At that point, then try and keep your friendship platonic if you can. Won’t be easy after this recent hookup and knowing he wants more.
Long time reader, first time emailer…
I’m hoping that your wisdom as a single man can aid me…
Here’s the deal. I am a 37 year old single woman living in Boise, Idaho (side note: Boise is 10 miles away from Kuna, home of Joshua Albers. We aren’t nearly as podunk as ABC would like you to believe). Boise is a hard place to be single. Around here, people tend to get married young and have kids right away. I’m living proof of that: I married my high school sweetheart at 20 and have two teenagers. Surprisingly, that marriage didn’t last. Which leads to my problem…
Where does an educated, gainfully employed, normal woman go to meet the equivalent in a man, without resorting to online dating or reality tv? I’ve been told the gym, church, and the supermarket.
Gym: how?!? I’m there to work, not mingle.
Church: no thank you.
Supermarket: I was hit on once at Wal-mart. His opening line was “are you a Christian?” There is no good answer to this. Yes encourages him to keep talking, while no implies I need saving.
So, please enlighten me. Where do nice, normal, not-dilhole single guys my age go? Once I locate the herd, how do I initiate a conversation without looking like a troll? I’m pretty shy and tend to run from guys that pique my interest. What comes across as interested but not creepy?
I need to grow some lady balls and grab the bull by the horn before my shelf life expires. Please help!
Bachelorette in Boise
Comment: Well, I can’t speak for the dating scene in Boise since I’ve never been, but it sounds like you have slim pickings. Hey, Joshua is a free man now, try him! Kidding.
I don’t think there is ever a perfect place to meet someone. Usually it just happens. The key is making yourself available and getting out there. Which is funny coming from someone like me since, well, I don’t necessarily take my own advice. But yeah, I think the better relationships are ones that just randomly happen, and not when you’re frequenting places openly trying to meet someone.
Don’t think you’re some sort of troll because you don’t initiate conversation in a public place. I don’t think most women do, because most women like being pursued. They feel like if they’re doing the pursuing, the guy might get the wrong message. And some definitely might. Those are usually the horny ones just looking to get laid. So, I would just be yourself, talk to whoever you feel like talking to, and find someone you connect with. There really is no magic formula. Since you were out of the dating scene at a pretty early age and have grown kids, yeah, it might be a little tougher for you because lets face it, not every guy wants to date someone who’s divorced with kids. There are plenty that do, and plenty that don’t.
Do you want to date someone who’s been married too? Do you want more kids? Do you want to date someone who has kids themselves? I think once you answer those questions, you’ll have an idea of where you need to be to meet the type of people you want to date.
Send all links and emails to: firstname.lastname@example.org. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.