-We began picking up where we left off last Monday night, and that’s Ashley asking Jared for a date after essentially begging Chris Harrison for a date card. You know you’ve reached the level of desperation when you’re asking the show to go out of their way to accommodate you, as opposed to the guy you like, you know, showing any interest in you whatsoever. Sooooo yeah. Ashley got her date with Jared that became an overnight date. And we’ve basically been teased for a week by the show with “Did she or didn’t she lose her virginity?” Please. Not to mention Ashley spoiled it last week on social media when she sent out this tweet last Monday night:
You say CRAZY things during a 2am interview…I would never loose my virginity outside the bounds of MUTUAL love & commitment.
— Ashley Iaconetti (@ashleyiaco) September 1, 2015
And when you present a guy with an overnight date card and his response is, “I’d love to spend the night with you. Lets just see what happens” you know he certainly isn’t all that interested. Then again, we’ve known this all season and Ashley is still probably holding out hope that he’ll change his mind about her someday.
-Mikey and Juelia need to have a talk. Well, Mikey needs to have a talk with her because after coming back on the show just for her, and watching some Lucha Libre wrestling, he’s not feeling anything romantic with her and needs to end it. He tells her he can’t lead her on, she’s a special person, she deserves the best, and every other breakup cliché you can throw in there. Of course Juelia didn’t take it well because she realized she was going to leave the island alone, and she came on the show looking for a husband. Everyone else loved saying in their ITM’s that Juelia came on to find a father for her child. Note: A former single mom (she’s since remarried) friend of mine gave me her thoughts on that. This is what she texted me Sunday night when people were saying over and over she’s looking for a father for her child.
“I’m so sick of people saying Juelia wants to find a father for her child. It’s such a stereotype and it’s sh**ty. She’s looking for a quality husband I’m sure, but not a ‘father for her child.’” That makes it seem like she’s so desperate. As a former single mom I take such offense to the repeated use of that phrase. Like I was looking for a partner, a husband, someone I loved. But never a “father for my child.”
Well there you go. Single moms weigh in. I’m guessing you all probably agree with that. Oh yeah, the text she sent me a minute later? “Who’s this Jaclyn chick? She’s disgusting.” Well ok then.
-Speaking of Jaclyn, she asks Justin on a date that he says yes to. Then Cassandra enters the show, which you know means that Jaclyn is S.O.L. I guess because Cassandra and Justin both have sons, it makes sense that they go on a date. She pulls him aside to talk to him and he tells her he’s already accepted a date with Jaclyn, “but if we’re being honest, I’d rather go on a date with you.” Translation: I think you’re hotter than Jaclyn so I’m trading up. But Justin being the gentleman he is, goes and talks to Jaclyn and tell her he has to take back his acceptance of her date and go out with Cassandra. This then gave us Jaclyn’s one liner of the night. “I guess the keys to success on this show are A) have a kid B) talk to fruits and vegetables C) talk to animals and raccoons or D) be a complete psychopath.” Yep. That pretty much covers everything. Don’t forget Playboy model, cruise ship singer, Gluten-free spokeswoman, and the ability to talk to every guy before the show without none of them knowing you’re talking to her. That should just about do it. And since you don’t fit into any of the categories, you’re screwed.
-So since there’s no available man there for Jaclyn to date now, Nick comes to the rescue. No, not to date her, but to steal her date card away. He wants to ask Sam on a date and asks Jaclyn for her date card. Of course, Jaclyn is still holding a $250k grudge against Nick for eliminating her and Ed on BP3, then not splitting the money with her best friend. Kinda hasn’t let that one go and she lets Nick know about it, so, she’s gonna make him embarrass himself before she gives him the date card. She wants him rolling around on the sand like a swimsuit model. Really? Of all the things Jaclyn could make a guy beg for a date card for that’s all he had to do? Sure it was silly, but at least make the guy go streaking on the beach or something like that. Rolling in the sand on national TV? C’mon Jaclyn, you could’ve done better than that. I know, make him show America all his texts to Sam before the show. Especially the good ones. We found out last night during their overnight date when Nick said they’ve talking for 3 months before the show. I mean, there’s gotta be some good sexts in those 3 months, no? Make him show us that, not flop around in the sand like a fish out of water.
-Justin and Cassandra have their date in San Pancho. They go horseback riding, they talk about their kids, and they kiss on the beach telling us what an amazing connection they have together. So much so, that pretty much immediately after filming was over, they were no longer talking and she had hopped on Jonathan. So yeah, is there really a reason to recap these two’s courtship that consisted of one regular date and one overnight date before they decided to leave the island a couple? So bizarre.
-Hey guess what? Jared is FINALLY telling Ashley that he wants no part of her. When they came back from their overnight date, it was clear that no sex had taken place. Hell, I don’t even know if there was even any nudity. Or first base action. But us viewers have seen for six weeks that he’s not really into her, even though she hadn’t. So he finally sits her down on the “bed of death” as I like to call it where so many breakups have taken place this season, and tells her that the relationship isn’t going anywhere and he’s gonna go home now. Ashley says she understands his decision, they embrace, and he leaves. Uhhhh, who am I kidding? She wailed away like a high school senior dumped at prom and couldn’t possibly understand why Jared wouldn’t want her. I would list the reasons on here but I want to keep today’s column under 10 pages so I’ll spare you. Lets just say what was obvious to us never seemed to register with a 26 year old virgin. Maybe someday it will, but I highly doubt it. I’m pretty convinced Ashley I. is going to be the female Chris Bukowski and will show up on “Bachelor in Paradise” every season until she gives her V-card away.
-Nick and Samantha’s date had them meeting up with Chef Josefina Santacruz who fed them food and dessert til their bellies exploded. Can I rant for just a second. You saw on the DWTS cast they have their first husband and wife team of Alexa PenaVega and her husband Carlos. Look, I have no problem if when someone gets married they want to keep their maiden name, but for the love of all things good, can we throw a hyphen in there? Or a space? Because Alexa Vega married Carlos Pena, can we at least go with Alexa Pena-Vega or Alex Pena Vega? Is that too much to ask? I shouldn’t be bothered this much by the lack of a small dash, but I am. I bring this up because when I saw Chef Josefina Santacruz written like that on screen, it reminded me of them. And while we’re at it, hey Josefina, why don’t you throw in a hyphen or maybe a space, huh? I’ve never seen Santacruz written that way. Where was I? Oh yeah, Sam and Nick. The only interesting thing from this date is when they were at dinner, Sam asked him, “What made you want to pursue me so much?” Wow. Talk about fishing for compliments. Geez. I think everyone has pretty much nailed it on the head when it comes to Sam. She knows she’s attractive and has basically had guys eating out of the palm of her hand pretty much her whole life. Does anyone really believe she came on this show looking for a boyfriend?