Reality Steve

Bachelor in Paradise 2

The Final “Reader Emails” and “Dr. Reality Steve” of the Calendar Year (Sniff, Sniff…)

Dr. Reality Steve

Hi Steve,

Just looking for an opinion…

This past weekend I was out at the bar with a girlfriend watching football and we started talking to the men next to us. The one really good looking one is married, and was being flirtatious, but mentioned his wife a bunch of times, so I assumed he was setting boundaries. He also mentioned wanting to set me up with a single friend of his.

Well we ended up taking a few shots and we exchanged phone numbers because we were transitioning bars. Him and his buddy came to the bar that we ended up at and we danced and ended up kissing a few times.

The next day, he spent the entire day texting me, telling me how much he likes me and asked me to come over (wife is out of town), which I did not do. He has been texting me since, and it did end up getting a tad bit raunchy.

Also on Friday night, a good friend of mine, who is on vacation, slept with a man who was there for his own bachelor party.

Obviously people cheat, but another one of our girlfriends is making a HUGE deal about us and these taken men. They were both one night things (minus the extra curricular texting), and we feel like we are not the responsible party. Of course it’s not the BEST decision making, but I don’t feel as if we should be shamed for it. If anything, the men should be guilty, not us.

I find that lots of times the “other woman” is blamed more than the man doing the actual cheating.

Like I said, just looking on your thoughts about being the third party to a cheater. Clearly these men are just men who cheat.

Have a great time in Vegas!

Comment: Both of you were in the wrong. And I think the men get plenty of blame for this. You aren’t the only one. I’m sure your friend that’s giving you grief is probably just bummed she didn’t get in on the action. But how’d she know? You told her? Or she was there? She has a right to tell you guys not to do anything, because lets face it, you could’ve stopped the advances. Yes, the men were out to cheat, but you still had to agree to it. So I guess she thinks that was wrong of you. Everyone is their own moral police. You say it was only a one time thing, but assuming this guy’s wife goes out of town and he contacts you again, who is to say you won’t take him up on his offer again? Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But the fact you’ve done it once already will basically eliminate your friend from believing you will never do it again. She has nothing to base that on.
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Hola Steve! Greetings from Argentina!

I can’t believe I’m seeking advise at the other side of the continent! But being an introvert myself, it’s hard to do it otherwise, so thought this would be a good way for me. Sorry in advance for my English, I’ll try my best to express myself.

So, I’ve been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years now, and things have been up and down for me. It started out great, then almost a year and a half in, felt he wasn’t that into me as he used to, just by the way he was around me, the lack of interest on his side when I suggested doing stuff to go out of the routine, and it was around this time when I started to have some doubts. Reading your column today put things in perspective for me, since I did tell him a year ago about how I was feeling, and was planning on ending it right there. However, he begged for me not to, and I failed miserably. I just couldn’t do it and I believe it was a matter of timing. Didn’t feel right.

He has been trying hard to get back to the “old ways”, but I just couldn’t move past it and I feel terrible, because he really hasn’t done anything wrong since!! So I’ve found myself waiting for a particular situation to happen, so he can get an explanation as to WHY I’m doing so. And I’m still waiting! The point is, that might just not happen any time soon, I know I need to end it. I just don’t feel happy and can’t hide it, but how to do it is the problem. I suck at expressing myself, and can’t stand hurting people. I’d greatly appreciate your advice on the best way (even though there isn’t a good one), to do so.

Thanks for reading!

Comment: As mentioned yesterday, breakups suck. There’s no easy way to do them, especially when one party doesn’t want to. When both want out and someone finally brings it up, that’s when breakups are amicable. Usually both just breath a sigh of relief and are like, “I never thought you’d say anything” as both were waiting for the other do it because of the fear of the response. But it’s simple: If you’re not happy, and you don’t think things have/will change/d, then end it. You’re only prolonging the inevitable. Might as well get it out of the way sooner rather than later. The longer you stay in, the harder it’ll be.
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Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.

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13 Comments

13 Comments

  1. cjscjs711

    September 9, 2015 at 10:46 AM

    On who was the Nick from Chicago caller – look on Carly’s Twitter page. Nick Pennebaker from Chicago. They banter back and forth. If it were Nick Viall, I’m sure both he and the Franchise would have gotten a whole lot more mileage out of the call by identifying him.

  2. jessicat

    September 9, 2015 at 11:44 AM

    I completely agree with what most people have said here about Carly. It didn’t seem like Kirk was all that into her. She was so arrogant about being one of the “power couples” and loved it when other people broke up. Kirk was in a lose-lose situation, and any time he chose to break up with her was going to be the wrong time.

  3. rob22

    September 9, 2015 at 12:50 PM

    As far as the “cheater” email, I realize a lot of people cheat. Millions of people signed up for Ashley Madison…. to their detriment with the release of everyone’s name. Even in nice neighborhoods, there’s lot of married people on the prowl.

    I realize that people also often/usually try to justify their actions & rationalize that what they’re doing is in some way OK.

    But…. seriously…. you choose to cheat with a married guy & justify it by saying, “Hey I’m single, he’s married, so he’s cheating, not me” . Really? Look, if he’s a cheater, then he’s going to cheat. That’s on him. But if you participate, you’re part of it. Let some other stupid woman be the one who participates in the breakup of a family. And yes, that’s what you’re doing. No rationalizations allowed.

    And, even from a totally selfish perspective, don’t you want something better than being some guy’s mistress on the side? Or, something better than some one night fling with a guy stepping out on his wife that cares nothing about you except how you look naked and how willing you are to spread your legs?

    Have a little self respect. Stuff happens. People go out to bars and make mistakes. But learn from them and move on. Don’t rationalize them and continue to make them worse…. and make them become part of who you are. Hopefully you’re better than that.

  4. kinbville

    September 10, 2015 at 9:16 AM

    Amen and well said to Rob22 above.

  5. valadega

    September 10, 2015 at 9:46 AM

    So if a guy tells you that you are wonderful and wants to meet your family, you are to translate that to mean he really isn’t into you? Why oh why do women blame other women when men treat their “sister/friends” badly?

  6. shouldbeworking

    September 10, 2015 at 11:01 AM

    On another topic, what does everyone think of Trump? Does he seriously have a shot at becoming President? Even though American politics are not followed by the majority of us Canadians, it is still interesting to hear what people have to say about him. He’s like a bull in a china shop to me.

  7. vessel

    September 10, 2015 at 12:35 PM

    To the person seeking other countries iterations of the Bachelor PLEASE don’t waste time on the low budget garbage that was the Bachelor Canada. Yikes, talk about the red headed step child of the American Bachelor. Tremendously embarrassing, and I sincerely hope that after the second season that aired last Fall they realized they just cannot compete.

  8. kimmyfromdablock

    September 10, 2015 at 6:25 PM

    Carly has completely lost me now. At one time, I found her to be someone who was mildly entertaining and relatable. The Kirk breakup saga really turned me off. Just unfollowed her and Jade on Twitter. In my book, their 15 minutes has expired.

  9. cpak258

    September 11, 2015 at 6:01 AM

    To the girl talking about cheating… a few years ago, I was in a similar situation. The guy I hooked up with wasn’t married, but in a serious relationship. At the same time, my friend hooked up with a married guy. We only old each other but used the same justification “he’s married/taken, not us, he’s the cheater..” Plus, being single, we just liked the attention whether the guy was married or single (we were 24/25 at the time). Fast forward 6 years and we are both in a serious relationship/married (with different guys obviously) and looking back at it, we both say those flings were our biggest regret. No, we weren’t the cheaters, but we might as well have been. We knew full on that those guys were married/in a relationship and that makes us just as bad, in my opinion. You may not see it now (we didn’t see it then), but when you are in a relationship/married some day, you will realize how much you hate the type of girl you used to be.

    People cheat, it happens. We’ve all (of at least most people i know), have gotten drunk at a bar a did something stupid. But at the end of the day, we all deserve someone who wants to actually be with us, and not to be a side piece when their wife is out of town. So my advise is to delete his number, tell you friend to do the same… trust me… he wont leave his wife and its not worth wasting your time.

  10. rob22

    September 11, 2015 at 6:45 AM

    cpak258: well said. I too commented on the “mistakes in bars” scenario. There are definitely a few incidents I’d like to have back that were fueled by cheap drinks at Happy Hour.

    But the next morning you’re supposed to say OMG!!! What the hell did I do?!! And move on with an embarrassing stain on your reputation… which your friends forgive because they’ve done the same or worse at other times. I can’t understand taking a bar incident & wanting to continue with it. It makes no sense.

    To carry through your final paragraph. You are right that most guys are pretty calculating. They try to give the mistress just enough to keep them in the game without actually leaving their spouse (or ever really seriously considering it). A horrible game to be sure. But, let’s say he does leave his wife & marries the mistress. What does the mistress now have? A guy who’s been lying to his prior wife & cheating on her. How do you think you’re now going to be treated?

    Oh, you think you’ll be treated better because it was all about the former wife being a crazy shrew? Think again. Now you’re the crazy shrew to a guy who’s likely to cheat on you. Everything he said to you, he’s now saying to someone else he met in a bar. You’ll find exceptions. But every guy I know who’s a cheater is cheating because that’s who they are. They’re not cheating because of the wife. Of course the wife has flaws. (Find one person out there that doesn’t have a few things about them that are pretty annoying). They might travel for business (maybe not) and like to go out for a few drinks. If something is available in the female department, then they take it. If the girl is naive enough to give him regular access, then he takes her as a mistress (some do stick to one nights, fairly anonymous, never see them again type encounters).

    Guys who don’t cheat operate entirely differently. They don’t put themselves in cheating situations. They don’t go out to bars regularly. Maybe a once in a while for a guys night out, but nothing very regular. If they travel, they are far more likely to just hang in the room & watch TV. Maybe a work dinner here and there, or a beer, on occasion, with a colleague in the hotel bar, but they’re not hitting the bars every night. Watch what they do. They’ll tell you who they are. Guys cheat because they are cheaters, not because of their circumstances. Guys who don’t cheat, are just not cheaters. They don’t blur lines & stumble into affairs. They avoid putting themselves into bad situations. They don’t thrive on “excitement” and drama. They avoid it. That’s just not who they are. It’s honestly not that hard to tell which they are if you’re not rationalizing away to justify what’s happening.

  11. rob22

    September 11, 2015 at 6:54 AM

    “So if a guy tells you that you are wonderful and wants to meet your family, you are to translate that to mean he really isn’t into you?” (from above)

    In real life, you’re right. In a 3-week reality show hook-up adventure with people who have incentive to pair up with a girl to stay on the show, keep their mugs on TV and keep the party rolling as long as possible…. you just can’t have the blinders on and pretend that you have a real relationship.

    In the real world, if someone started talking about having children and meeting one anothers family after less than three weeks, the correct reaction is to look at them like they’re a little crazy and take a couple of steps back. That’s just way too soon for those types of conversations. On BIP, the reaction should be extreme skepticism. But, people are in a bubble, so they believe all kinds of crazy things, I guess.

  12. valadega

    September 11, 2015 at 12:54 PM

    If the guy just wants to stay on the show, is it her fault? I heard it really was another woman he

  13. valadega

    September 11, 2015 at 12:55 PM

    wanted.

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