So I’ve made the decision that I will return tonight to do the live video chats at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST. Sure it won’t be easy at first, but once I get going I think it’ll be fine. If there’s one thing I ask any of you who are going to email in with a question, it would be that we just keep the Maddie talk to a minimum. Most of you who view the video chats every week I know have seen Maddie in them over the years, and you probably took the time to email me sometime in the last week offering your condolences. I appreciate all of those sentiments. I’m just asking politely that you don’t need to mention it again before you get to your questions tonight. Just something I would hope you’d respect. And by you not saying anything, it’s not that I think you aren’t sorry or anything like that, far from it. Just that the constant reminder that she’s gone is what is toughest at this point. It’s still very hard to accept. I keep thinking that she’s temporarily on vacation, or that she’s at the doggy resort and I just haven’t picked her up yet. I guess that would be the first step in the grieving process, right? Denial. I mean, I’m not stupid enough to actually think she’s coming back, but it’s just hard to accept that she isn’t. And I have no idea how long that feeling will last. Probably a while I’m guessing. Anyway, back to normal tonight. Ask away with your “Bachelor” questions and we’ll get through it tonight as it gets better and better by the day.
Hi Dr. RS,
I am a freshman at a big state university. Last semester, I had an intro class with only 15 people and became close to everyone in the class. I became friendly with a pretty quiet guy but nothing more than just hanging out in group settings. We’re in the same program so we have three classes together this semester and those class are fairly small. Over break we never hung out but we snapchatted a lot. He’s never asked for my number but we talk on snapchat pretty often. He never asked me to hang out over break even though we’re from towns next to each other. The other night he snapchatted me and asked if I wanted to go to the movies with him and his friend. I said yes and went with them. I expected to just be going as friends but then he paid for my movie ticket which was super nice. I didn’t expect anything else to happen because his friend was there (and nothing else did happen), but it kind of felt like a date because he paid for my ticket and only invited me and not other people from our usual social group. I’m worried to make a move because maybe he only likes me as a friend and it would be awkward in all of the classes (and future classes) we have together. I’m not sure where to go from here. He still hasn’t even asked for my number but we talk on snapchat a lot and have classes together. Do I try to make a move? Do I wait for him? Do I blow it off and move on? Thanks for your help!!
Confused in Cali
Comment: I think he likes you and is interested, but seeing that you’re only freshman in college, and not knowing his dating history, maybe he’s just nervous. I wouldn’t blow him off at all since he’s still showing interest in you. Yeah, it is a bit weird he hasn’t gotten your number yet, but at least you’re different than a lot of the emails I get where women are trying to convince themselves that a guy who isn’t blowing up their phone anymore still has an interest in them. I think your situation is a bit different. Could just chalk it up to him being shy or nervous, but he didn’t have to pay for your movie ticket, so that was nice. Just keep talking to him and doing what you guys are doing. If in a month or two he still hasn’t asked for your number, then I’d say move on.
What was the vibe at the movie? You sat next to him, right? Did he ever do the yawning trick? Did he push off against your leg trying to get up from his seat declaring his love for you like Ben did to Olivia? Did he maybe sneak in the ol’ popcorn trick? Or was it just a normal movie setting where you stared at the screen for two hours and that was it? Just pay closer attention to how he acts around you and take it from there. His signs will give you your answer.
I have a question for you in regards to my son. He is in his 1st year of college and is having difficulty meeting friends and finding stuff to do. He is not living in a dorm but he is living on campus in housing it’s called affiliated housing. He has a roommate that he choose (it was kinda like a matchmaking site for college students based on their common interests, and study habits, etc.). His roommate and him get along well and talk but just while in the room together. They met other kids on the floor and hung out the 1st couple days but then exchanged phone numbers and send out group text on what to do on a weekend and where to meet. When the kids go to their room they are nice and civil with my son but never extend an invite anywhere else. He feels it has something to do with kids not hanging out with their roommates. My son has a variety of interest all sports, Xbox, photography, tv, movies, etc. He had a good group of friends all through high school. After high school all his friends went to different colleges. He doesn’t feel accepted and doesn’t want to keep trying to be accepted by this group of guys. I have told him to try to ask questions like what’s everyone doing this weekend or telling them he’s bored looking for something to do. He says it’s not cool and I’m crazy. I have told him to look into joining clubs. Photography club meets on day and time he has a class. He didn’t get to join the lacrosse team. He has gone out to the common areas where they have a TV and couches and turned on the football games and nobody but security guard comes over to watch or talk. So finally my question is How do I help him or what do I tell him to help him make friends? He is contacting me almost every weekend wanting to come home. I love him dearly but he chose against my advice to go away to college. He is living about 1.5 hours away from home. We spent the first semester picking him up every weekend he wanted to come home and driving him home on Sunday nights before we go to bed. I am worried he will get depressed and not do well in school. Any advice for a young college kid would be appreciated.
Comment: Hmmmmmm…there could be a myriad of factors he’s not telling you, but if there’s one thing I will always stand by, is that I think as long as it makes financial sense, kids should go away and experience college life. Doesn’t have to mean another state, and doesn’t mean if you don’t and stay home that you’ll be some failure or something, but having experienced living on a college campus for 4 years, you really learn a lot about yourself and life and I think it’s something that all kids should do.
As for what’s going on with your son, there could be a lot of different factors in play in regards to maybe how he’s viewed by them, what he’s doing to alienate himself, etc but I don’t know so I won’t get into it. I will say that it’s still his freshman year. He’s got plenty of time. I know it took me a full semester to settle in my freshman year before I felt like I was even enjoying myself as well. He’s homesick. Happens to a lot of kids. I honestly wouldn’t worry too much. If he goes his whole freshman year and still hates it, then maybe next year he just moves in to a different building, or even the dorms on campus, and I guarantee he’ll meet people.
I just wanted to start off by saying I’m very sorry to hear about Maddie. I still remember you showing us on your live videos of feeding her treats in your apartment with that one wine bottle on the rack.
I started working at a company as a manager this past November. I met a fellow manager there (he’s 28 and I`m 24) and we clicked really well. It was last minute, but he had asked me to go to a Christmas party that his friend was hosting, where I was introduced to all of his high school friends – but, who introduces a random girl to your closest friends? Later on that night his girlfriend came to the party and he introduced me to her. I had NO IDEA that he had a girlfriend – when I brought that to his attention he said he thought I knew.
Some background info on their relationship – she’s 25, they’ve been together for four years and he claims that they’re serious. However, he hasn’t proposed to her, and he claims that its because he does not have a bachelor’s degree yet and he is still working at our company. When they go to bars, they split up and so she goes and flirts with guys for drinks and he dances with other girls – he says that this builds trust. I personally find it strange for such a long relationship. I think there might be a missing piece to their relationship that he’s not telling me.
I went bowling with his friends and I ended up at his house since I had to use the bathroom and he told me to spend the night there since I wasn’t completely sober. He offered his bed to me and that he’d take the floor. I don’t think he probably didn’t mean anything sexual but if my boyfriend offered a girl to stay the night, I would be so pissed.
On Saturday when we hung out, we went to a restaurant and we split all the food (this isn’t the first time we’ve done that). He took me to the beach after where we just sat on a concrete wall and talked for three hours until 2 am. During this entire time, he kept his phone in the car which is strange, considering how glued to our phones we are today. He didn’t contact his girlfriend at all.
My question is – is he interested in me? Or is he interested in the attention that he’s getting from me? Is he looking for an “escape” from his girlfriend? He used to text me every night, sometimes we’d text to like 5 am, but he hasn’t texted me since we hung out at the beach (Saturday).
I know that its dangerous because he’s talking to me like this, even when he has a girlfriend, so he could easily do the same to me in a relationship. It complicates everything even more since we work in the same company, but I just can’t help it and I get the butterflies around him.
What should I do?
Comment: You’re right, he does have a bizarre relationship with his girlfriend. No other way to explain that. Not because they’ve been together for four years and he hasn’t proposed. People have plenty of different reasons for how long they take to propose. More so in how he told you his relationship with his girlfriend is. They go to bars and split up and she flirts to get free drinks while he dances with other girls? Yeah, they aren’t that serious. Especially if he’s texting/talking/hanging out at the beach with you.
I’m sure you are something different to him and maybe present a challenge, and maybe he does give you butterflies, but you answered your own question. He can easily do the same to you in a relationship. Why would you want to be with a guy like him? Would you want a guy who described his relationship with his current girlfriend to you to be YOUR boyfriend and do that to you as well? Has he overtly hit on you either at work or outside of work? Is he making sexual advances? Any of those things and not is it inappropriate since he has a girlfriend, but also goes to show that it’s someone you shouldn’t want to be with either. I’m sure you’re enjoying the attention he’s giving you – I get it. You’re 24, an older guy with a girlfriend is paying attention to you, etc. But don’t fool yourself into thinking this is someone you’d want to be with. He seems like a Grade A douche nozzle. Stay away.