Reality Steve

Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” & Live Video Chat Tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST

Photo Credit: CBS

Live video chat returns tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST taking all your questions on things “Bachelor” related, plus whatever else you want to talk about. Although it would be nice to get a few non-“Bachelor” related questions every once in a while. You can only take so many “so how do you think so and so felt when she got dumped” and “who is the phone call to at the end” questions. Hell, I’d even take some questions from haters and address you publicly if you want. I’m not naïve enough to think that everyone likes this site. I know they don’t. It’s not for everyone. Some people hate spoilers, some people don’t like me, some people don’t like the combination of me AND spoilers – I get it. Granted, people like that should then just not read but we know that doesn’t happen. I’ll answer anything you have for me within reason, even if it’s a complaint or something you don’t like. That’s what I’m here for. To make your life a better place.

A bit of bad news regarding our “Survivor” recapper, Bryan Fischer, he’s going to sit this season out of recapping as he has some things he needs to take care of on his end, but I expect to have him back next season. Instead of having a fill-in writer, what I’m gonna try and do on Thursday’s (as long as their columns are up on time) is do what I did during “Daily Links,” and that’s post Dalton Ross’ recaps, which are always very good and informative. Also, Fishbach is still doing his blog for that I’ll link to as well. So you can check those out every Thursday until Bryan comes back next season.

Forgot to post Molly Hawkey’s latest “Bachelor” adventure yesterday, as she continues on her quest to find love with Ben. I hope it goes well for her next week when he meets her family. Fingers crossed…

We almost reached our goal of 10 emails this week, as we ended up with 9. Damn. Lets strive for 10 next week, so start sending them in now.

Hi Steve,

First of all, so sorry to hear about Maddie; my condolences. Losing a best friend is the hardest thing in the world and I can’t begin to imagine how you feel.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We met online and saw each other for about 1 year before I insisted that we define the relationship. He was reluctant and didn’t want the labels, but in the end I convinced him.

I love him and have told him so many times. He, on the other hand, doesn’t know if he loves me when I asked him directly-he’s the type of person who is very careful about what he says and he won’t say it unless he’s truly sure he means it. We’ve met the parents and see each other regularly but do not live together.

I want to get married soon, hopefully within the next two years. I know he cares for me. So should I continue to be in this relationship? I do not have time to waste but I do love him.


Confused in California

Comment: You have been with your boyfriend for 3 years and he doesn’t know if he loves you? After 1 year you insisted on defining the relationship after he didn’t want labels and then you convinced him? I would hope after 3 years you’d met each other’s parents. The fact that you even had to bring it up makes me think you are grasping for straws here to keep this relationship going.

Unfortunately this relationship doesn’t sound healthy at all. Even if tomorrow he said all the right things and gave you what you wanted, I wouldn’t buy it. Three years and he’s still waffling? Not worth your time. So the answer is “no,” you should not continue to be in this relationship. Especially considering by the sounds of it, you’re the only one who even wants to be in it.

The whole “I know he cares for me” bit I always find amusing. How? What does he do? What does he say? Granted, at this point I’d move on from this guy no matter what your answer is to those questions, but I hear that so much from people, yet, they don’t seem happy. He hasn’t said he loves you in 3 years and you want to be married within two. You’re with the wrong guy. It ain’t happening. You sound like you’re making excuses for him. Move on.

Hi! Long time reader. Your post about Maddie made me cry and I’m so sorry!

When people ask me if I watch the bachelor/bachelorette I say I read Reality Steve. I tried to watch it and I fell asleep.

Since you only have 2 questions so far I figured I would throw this out there.


Your opinion on repeats

Scenario: dated in 2009 for about 3 months broke up due to personality conflicts so it wasn’t for cheating or abuse or anything other than a lot of immaturity probably on both sides if I’m honest.

I got married it was a living nightmare that I did everything possible but eventually left after 2 1/2 years and got divorced.

He got married, she cheated within 2 months and moved in with the other guy so they got divorced.

So he reached out right after she left but I wouldn’t talk to him because that’s way too much drama and I shut down communication.

Time has passed and I had a question so I reached out and now it’s possible that he’s going to ask me out again, if I’m reading things correctly.

Is it possible that enough time has passed that a repeat could actually work?

I’m not creative enough for a sign off name so I’ll just leave it at that 🙂

Thank you

Comment: Could it actually work? Sure. Are the odds more against it working? Probably. Obviously not enough info here to go off regarding exactly what your relationship was like 7 years ago. I mean, you only dated for 3 months, so it’s not like this was someone who was a major ex-boyfriend that you have a whole history with. So that aspect gives you guys some hope.

But are you thinking something serious with this guy? Or are you looking at this as like a rebound for both of you just got out of bad marriages and just want to have fun? Because I have a feeling that’s what it sounds like it’ll be. My hunch is that it’ll never turn into something long term, but hey, I’ve been wrong before. Rarely happens, but you know. It could happen again.

Dr. Reality Steve,

I need your help! I’m a 33 year old single gal living in the midwest. I’ve tried online dating off and on and met some good guys, but nothing that has lasted. I was in a pseudo long distance relationship with a guy that was no good. We initially lived in the same city but then he moved a few states away years ago. He always told me he would move back but never has. I finally had to get my head out my arse and make an effort to move on. He is now 45 years old and doesn’t have his ducks in a row. There is little hope of this changing soon.

I recently had a friend tell me she has always thought this guy (we will call M) and I would hit it off. I preface this by saying this friend isn’t in my normal rotation of friends but I trust her. She showed me M’s picture and gave me a lowdown…he is 42, plays guitar in a band, can be shy with women, etc. At first glance, he isn’t my normal cup of tea but I’m turning over a new leaf. I say yes, told her to talk to M and make this happen. What do I have to lose?

I saw my friend last week and she said well there is good news and bad news. (Oh great! I thought to myself.) She had hung out with M on Super Bowl Sunday. Good news is M does seem interested in meeting me but bad news is he wants to do it in a group setting. Apparently he doesn’t want to waste my time with a date if we don’t have a connection. My friend became flustered with him and then dropped the subject. She and I both agree, at our age a group setting seems an unnecessary first step. She told me I would need to step up and be aggressive with him. So as we sat there she helped me find him on facebook and I sent him a friend request last Wednesday (Feb 10th). As of yesterday (15th) he still hadn’t accepted the request. I texted my friend and she again said he is really shy and may need some time to warm up. I can’t tell if he had been on facebook or even seen the friend request. I decided to just cancel the request.

I’m not one of those girls that thinks my biological clock is ticking, but hell if I’m going to play this game with a 42 year old after getting no where with the 45 year old. I am a strong independent woman with my stuff together (90% of the time). It seems that I either date older men or younger men. Guys my age don’t seem to be interested. I don’t foresee me softening my edges but should I try to have more patience? Should I wait a week and try to friend M again?

There is another guy I’m testing the waters with. We have some mutual friends. He is younger than me, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Muddled in the Midwest

Comment: He’s a grown ass 42 year old man but wants a first date to be in a group setting? Are his parents going to drop him off too? Then maybe he’ll call them before midnight to come pick him up? Tell him to get a pair of balls. Wait, don’t tell him that because that would actually constitute you conversing with this guy. You did what you needed to do. You sent him a friend request. If he can’t take one second out of his day to approve your friend request, then forget him. Not worth your time (feel like I’m saying that a lot recently).

Do nothing with the other guy. Maybe he doesn’t check his Facebook often. Hell if I know. But he already sounds like a total douchelicker if you ask me. Pursue the other guy right now. At least there seems like some potential there. Dude in the band apparently needs a hand holder for his dates. What a weenie. I’d scrap him.


My question is about work. My job basically consists of data entry all day long. I enter 50-60 reports every day on top of other data tracking for our company. I have cubical buddy I’ll call Janet does basically the same thing. When I first came into this position, our company was going through a lot of changes and we had no official manager over our department. We reported to Alice, who basically has the same job as us, but had been here since the company opened 8 years ago, so she has a lot of experience. To say the least, Alice is a micromanager. I couldn’t stand the constant emails and her coming to my desk, digging through my papers to find a mistake I had made and point it out, followed by a long explanation of why I need to triple check my work. But at that point, Janet and I had no one to complain to without going to HR. After a year we did get a manager, and shortly after Jack settled in we brought it to his attention that she is overbearing and made our jobs stressful with constant nagging. He said any issues she found needed to be brought to him and he would handle it. So for awhile Alice was off our backs, and we would get an email from Jack with any issues she came across. Note that these issues are typically typos or minor mistakes that she makes a bigger deal out of than is necessary, this is a lot of the reason we can’t deal with it. She recently has been coming to my desk several times a day to address “issues” and make sure I’m doing my job correctly, which I feel is not her position to be worried about. I approached Jack and told him I’d had enough. He actually did get after her to lay off, but with her vindictive ways, she convinced him that these issues she finds are more serious than what they are and somehow came to the resolution that Janet and I will now have weekly audit meetings with Jack, I assume she will make a list of mistakes she finds and send it to him to cover with us.

Our first meeting is Friday and I need to know how to handle this. First of all, I have been fully trained on Alice’s job, and no part of it would require her to go to such depth to find mistakes we have made. She willingly spends a good part of her day digging for issues. No matter how we try to resolve this problem, Alice has always come up with a way to do things her way and as she pleases, often making Janet and myself look lazy and that we are terrible at our jobs. I feel like a weekly audit meeting is not necessary, we enter a lot of data in a day and will have a mistake here and there, but nothing to require every aspect of our job to be evaluated constantly. How do I tell my boss this without making it look like I’m making an excuse, and how do I not put him in the middle of this situation? There is constant tension in the office with her, and any other employee would justify our feelings so I know we are in the right. I know if my boss simply tells her to let minor mistakes go, she will have some long excuse as to why it’s important, and even go to Jack’s boss to get justification if she needs to, she has done it before. I love my job and don’t want to quit, but how to I put a nix to the micromanaging? Thanks for any advice, love your blog 🙂

Irritated in Iowa

Comment: Geesh, what a nightmare. People ask me all the time what’s the best part of my job. I get that a lot on the video chats. And my answer is always the same. “The perks. Not having to work in an office. Being my own boss.” And stories like this I feel for you because that’s gotta suck. You feel you’re doing a good enough job, yet, nothing is good enough for this micromanager.

So what do you do? I don’t think there is much you can do without undermining your boss. However, I would do these audit meeting for a month or so, and I think by these meetings, assuming you’re doing your work correctly, he’ll eventually see they probably are pretty pointless. But you have to let him realize that first, so don’t say anything at this point. Your goal should be that every Friday when you have that meeting, Jack leaves the meeting thinking, “Well that was pointless,” and he’ll eventually say there’s no need for them. That’s the best you can do at this point.

If he doesn’t feel that way and the meetings continue longer than you expect, then that’s when I would go to him privately and voice your concerns.

In the meantime, go steal her lunch out of the kitchen refrigerator. There’s no doubt in my mind Alice seems like someone who brings her lunch to work every day and eats in the conference room. If she doesn’t, then go slash her tires. Or better yet, key into her car “DIE BITCH” like Tara did to Valerie’s car on “90210.” We’re almost at that episode on POP TV right now. Uhhhhh, so I’ve heard.

Hey Steve,

I’m 27 and recently single. I joined Bumble (the dating app where girls have to send the first message). I’m usually not the aggressor in a relationship but I wanted to try Bumble over Tinder bc it seems a little classier. My first instinct when sending messages to a guy would just be to say “Hey! What’s up?” or something along those lines. Is that too lame? Would you respond to that? I just want a guy’s perspective on it 🙂 I’m sure I put way too much thought into this, but I want to make myself stand out and get to know some new people. Thanks in advance!

Comment: Honestly, no. I need more than that from someone. Mention that you read their profile (wait, is there a profile on Bumble or just pics of him flexing in the mirror?). Whatever the case, at least offer a little info about yourself and be self-depricating. Guys like that. Give him your basics, what you like, a funny story about what brought you to Bumble, etc. Don’t make it too long, but definitely not a “Hey, what’s up?” You know why? Because that’s the message guys text you at 1 in the morning when they want a booty call.

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  1. rob22

    February 18, 2016 at 7:22 AM

    I’m going to disagree with RS, which is very rare. Even if you’re in your 40s, there’s nothing wrong with a first date in a group situation. It’s a low investment on both your parts where you can get to know one another. Have the group date and make a call. After the date, if it’s no go, no problem. If it’s yes, go from there. I personally think group situation first dates are almost always a good idea. Not only is it low risk, but there is no pressure on the two of you to carry on a long conversation. You can just have fun & get an opportunity to see if there’s any kind of connection.

    Personally, I’m a bit of an introvert. I can carry on a conversation, but I found group dates to be a really good way to take the pressure off and almost assure a good time for both. It didn’t always turn into a second date, but everyone always left feeling like they didn’t waste the evening.

    So this guy sounds like an introvert who’s experienced and knows that group dates are the best way to go for him. I honestly don’t understand the push back from you and from RS. Go on the date and have fun. Then you’ll see if you have something there, or not. Maybe it’s a probably not, but it doesn’t sound like you have a full dance ticket for Saturday nights either. If you want to keep pursuing the other guy concurrently, that’s also not a problem. It’s not an either/or at this point. Give yourself some options.

    I could leave it at that, but I’m wondering what your expectations are. It sounds like you have very limited ideas of what a first date should look like, and that’s not uncommon. As long as the date sounds like fun and isn’t something totally lame (if the date plan sounds stupid you can certainly reject it on it’s merits), then it has the potential to be a good date. Honestly isn’t dinner and a movie just about the most boring first date ever? BTW: I invited my wife to a group date for our first date. We had a ton of fun and the date extended into just her and me in the later evening. Total success. I’ve had others that were just, hey thanks for the evening. But you never know. People really need to have more open minds about dating. Closed minds just lead to fewer dates & fewer opportunities to meet someone.

  2. jackie22

    February 18, 2016 at 8:23 AM

    To the Woman to is Irritated in Iowa with Alice –
    I agree with Steve on this one. The only thing I would suggest is maybe before you turn your reports in you could have your coworker Janet go over it. And the same goes for Janet. Maybe you can catch each other’s mistakes before they get to Alice and Jack

  3. rob22

    February 18, 2016 at 10:46 AM

    @jackie22: If the expectation is that the work be error free, then your idea sounds like a winner. It may be that the writer of this email hasn’t clued into the fact that error free work is expected. Now, that can be a little tricky if “error free” is ill defined by the Manager. So, my further recommendation would be to sit down with the Manager and get a clear understanding of expectations , including what “error free” looks like. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but that is no way to manage a business. The way it should work is the Manager sets CLEAR expectations (clear should leave no room for opinion, especially not your co-workers opinion after the fact) and as long as they’re met, micromanaging shouldn’t be needed. But it does sound like expectations are not being met, in which case, that leads to micromanagement. Maybe this hasn’t been said outright, but it’s implied.

    If the manager is unable to give clear directions & set clear expectations, and “quality work” is a moving target, then you’re in a losing situation & I would start looking for another job. It just isn’t worth it to fight a losing battle. Bad boss, bad job. The surveys all say that the relationship with the boss makes or breaks a job.

  4. rob22

    February 18, 2016 at 10:58 AM

    BTW: Part of a manager’s job is keeping some co-workers out of each other’s business. This was sometimes very challenging, but it requires a boss to sometimes tell a co-worker to stop interacting with another co-worker, except when absolutely necessary. Very, very, few managers do this well. I used to sit two squabbling people down and tell them that their squabbles and differences of opinion were a distraction to the office and that I expected them to stop. That they should do their own jobs and stay out of each other’s way. I sometimes had to move two people apart, literally move their cubicles, as far as possible. That usually solved it if I had to go that far. I usually added into our discussion that I wasn’t their Dad, that they were two adults and two adults should be able to minimally get along during the working day. If they wanted me to be “Dad” and solve their problems for them, then they probably wouldn’t like my solution. That usually had an impact too. I would sometimes have a squeaky wheel, like your co-worker, who I then would have to tell (too often) that their co-workers work was none of their business. Hopefully your manager has a clue, but most do not. I didn’t always gain popularity points immediately with everyone with this approach, but long term, I think employees appreciate that I addressed the actual problems. You never have 100% happiness from the crew. But co-workers interfering into one another’s business is very fixable and shouldn’t be ignored by a good Manager.

  5. Del Scorcho

    February 18, 2016 at 1:11 PM

    Ladies- if you’re over the age of 22, stop dating guys in bands. They don’t want to grow up.

  6. kd1981

    February 19, 2016 at 7:27 AM

    Hello Confused in California –

    First – I am speaking from experience on this one. I dated a man (if you want to call him that) for 5 years on and off. He lived about 45 minutes from me – I met him on line – I fell fast and hard for him. He was the love of my life, the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
    Five years, you would think we’d live together, and have a great life. Well – I never met his family, and he never met mine. My dad always thought he had a secret family and I was ‘the girl on the side.’ My best friend didn’t know I was dating anyone until we broke up. The reason we broke up?! We were out on a Friday night. He knew that I never wanted to get married but said we should just plan out what we would want. Fine, I guess we can do that. Well – he cheated on me that following Monday. I found out because I met that person the next week – randomly! She saw the picture of us that I had on my phone and said ‘can I talk to you.’ I cried – harder than I had ever cried in my LIFE! I called him on my way home and he didn’t answer the phone, and ignored me for a long time.
    Fast forward a few years – this happened in 2009. I STUPIDLY let him back in to my life – as a friend – but I knew I always wanted more. He was the man I loved for 5 + years. Our first day out – he tells me that he’s going to be a dad. He’s still kind of with the girl, but not really because she’s crazy. Ummm who is the crazy one?!
    I am now happily engaged to a real man who does what he says and means what he does. This other shmuck was calling me and texting up until about 8 months ago when I blocked his number.
    My advice – if he’s not willing to introduce you to his family there is probably something else that he’s hiding. I’d give it another month, tell him you want to meet them and if he says no – buhbye!!!

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