Reality Steve

Dr. Reality Steve

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Hi Steve,

It was nice to hear from your mom last week. It made me think of my current relationship with my 15 year old son. We are definitely not able to communicate with each other.

I realize he is going through a stage of independence and growing up. I recently took him to south Miami beach on a long weekend. We’d stayed at an awesome hotel on the beach. It also had an infinity pool with food and beverage service.
He refused to leave the hotel room. He stayed inside watching tv and ordering room service.

Any advice for me? Up until this year we have had fun filled action packed vacations just the two of us.

Comment: This one’s tough for me since I don’t have children. But from everything I’ve heard, dealing with teenage kids is essentially a nightmare. Now, was I nightmare at 15? I don’t think so. But I do think there’s that sense of independence where we all think we’re too cool for our parents. I’m sure it’s nothing more than that. I bet he’s just growing out of hanging out with mom because he’s going through puberty and boys want to be boys. I wouldn’t take it personally. I would think most kids go through it.
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Dear Doctor Reality Steve,

I’ve met precisely one man in my lifetime who knocked my socks off and made me want marriage and children. It was love at first sight for both of us and we quickly began planning our lives together, even where we would move to raise our children. After a few weeks together he got demoted at work, and came crying to me about it. I comforted him and we got closer. Two days later, his dad died. He shut down and eventually said he was not in the right place for a relationship and he felt horrible about himself and had nothing to offer. The expectation he set was that we would get back together.

I could not get over him. I had several amazing men chasing me, but I only wanted him. My family never saw me like this and was convinced he was the one. I did not think it was possible for me to feel like this. To make matters worse, there is some kind of telepathic connection with him. Let’s just say that even top experts in this field have been spooked by this connection and details I have shared.

I left the ball in his court for months and dated others, even getting very serious with one. The dude would stalk me on social media and visit my LinkedIn on Friday and Saturday nights. But when I reached out to him, he would ignore me while continuing to spy via social media. I found out that he married this little 80 pound A cup who has a string of failed marriages and taking men to the cleaners. She had been his fall back girl for years. He would still stalk me on social media despite being “married” and even purposely covered his ring during the entire photo shoot at his sister’s wedding. So I posted the next man I dated on Facebook. He had never seen me with another man before. He flipped out and went crazy online cornering me on various forums I had sought advice on, posing as a third party and saying what a great guy he is and the like. He liked YouTube videos about a woman betraying him, and needing to have sex with her before he killed her. I took the photo of me and the new guy down, and 18 minutes later, he was back on forums posing as a nice guy and stopped the bad YouTube videos. For kicks, I put up a photo of a wedding ring, and he immediately got even crazier, going to forums as a third party talking about himself as some kind of ladies man, giving an email address to encourage offline communication, and then he started calling me from a spoof number at times that were significant to us. We met on October 4th and he would call at 10:04 daily. My birthday is April 19th and he would call at 4:19. I could not help but notice the pattern. He still would view my LinkedIn and go on the forum talking about how he is so successful anytime someone would post a new LinkedIn recommendation for me. He has done this for months but will not communicate directly with me. And this is all while he is supposedly married!! I heard through the grapevine that this 6 month marriage is on the rocks but no divorce filed yet. Why would he get like this? What does he want from me? What should I do? Do you think he will come back to me after his divorce? Just want to get to the bottom of it. I know this guy is your age too, so maybe you can give me some perspective. I cannot believe I got myself mixed up with this. Thank you.

Comment: You brought up two things in there that are pretty much at the bottom of my list on things I care about – telepathy and message forums. You should probably disassociate yourself from both.

The guy is nuts, but he’s not contacting you directly and bothering you, so who cares what he says on message forums? If you know he’s in there doing that, then why are you in there? Is it possible to not visit it? Seems like you’re just inviting this attention. Who cares why he’s doing any of this. He’s married and obviously has a screw loose and you’re with another guy. This guy shouldn’t concern you at all. He’s irrelevant. Move on.
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*Matthew Mccounaughey Voice* Alright, Alright Alright…

I hope this isn’t a “doozy” in your head. It is pretty simple really,

My SO and I started out as FWB but agreed that if we felt more we were open to exploring a relationship. We were both just at first insanely attracted to each other and wanted to get to the “fantasy suite” (I am HILARIOUS) before anything else.

We were quick to see that we did indeed want a relationship. He has had a rough past relationship, I won’t go into to many details, but it really did give the whole dating scene a very bitter taste in his mouth. It took him awhile to be comfortable and content with me being his girlfriend. Which was fine by me, I slowly cracked his hard exterior and made my way into his heart (so cheesy, am I Chris Harrison?).

This has all been over the course of a year and a half, he still struggles with dating. And I get it, his ex literally stabbed him with a broken beer bottle and then tried to suffocate their daughter but then ended up getting full custody. She’s queen b*tch. He’s not the most affectionate guy, doesn’t think about planning dates, but is very faithful/kind/ we have fun. He assures me he does want to be in a relationship with me and very much cares about me, but just asks me to be patient with him on some things. On really being a good ‘boyfriend’. I don’t date him just to have a boyfriend, I date him because I do love him and he is my best friend and I love what we are together.

I know patience isn’t a thing that I can physically show him that I am being, but I do want to be patient with him, and show him that dating isn’t a bitter experience with the right person. Do you have any suggestions on how to show him that dating and having a significant other who loves the heck out of you and would walk through fire for you, really can be such an awesome and fulfilling thing?

Thank you!

Love,

Curious in Charlotte

Comment: Time is your only friend here. Obviously he’s scarred, as well as he should be. His ex attacked him with a beer bottle and tried to suffocate their child? Sounds normal. Just know if you end up with this guy in the long term you might have to deal with crazy ex drama til the end of time. That’s never fun. But you really can’t say there’s a certain time where he’ll just snap into things and be fine. You just keep doing what you do and hope that things get better on his end, but always know that there’s a chance someone like this will remain damaged for a while. Everyone’s different. Not to mention, you started out as FWB, so keep that in mind as well. He might eventually just want to go back to that if the whole “boyfriend” thing doesn’t suit him well.

How is he with you besides what you mentioned? I know you say he’s a good boyfriend, but there wasn’t a lot of description in terms of what he does for you. It was more about what he doesn’t do that you’re supposed to go along with because he’s scarred. Just be careful. Are there any other options out there? Is he really the only one you care to be with? Seems like your relationship will be constantly filled with drama. 18 months together and he’s still saying that he needs time? Kind of a red flag. Watch out.
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So I really had no intention of sending this to you, but the more I sit and think about it, the more I need the advice of a man. (Plenty of my women friends have given me advice, just want a mans point of view – they all say dump him and move on to the next match)

I joined a dating company a few months ago – not a dating website, an actual company who matches you with someone who you may be compatible with. I joined because I hated the online games and this company does very extensive background checks before they even allow you to join. (they check megans list, do a criminal background check, verify if there is a marriage license out there with your name on it and verify if you really are divorced or not) I’ve had several matches that were not matches at all, no clue how they thought we would be, had a first date and never contacted the men again after that first date. My last match turned out to be what I thought was a “good fit”. We spoke on the phone for the first time for over two hours – which is something I never did with a person I never met before, usually it was a quick hi the company matched us and lets meet here for dinner kind of thing. He had me laughing hysterically that first time we talked. We made plans to meet for lunch the following Sunday. Mother nature had other plans and we had a blizzard that left many stranded for the weekend. Me on the other hand, decided to attempt to drive home from work and ended up with my car in a ditch along the highway in five feet of snow. Mr. blinddate decided he would help me out when we were allowed to drive on the highways again and dug my car out with the help of my son. (a tow truck driver was kind enough to rescue me that day and give me a ride home at which point I received a nice little lecture from Mr. Blinddate- point taken, I won’t ever drive in a blizzard again) So my first meeting with him was him driving to help me get my car. I didn’t fall madly in love at first sight, I thought he was a complete gentleman and someone I wanted to get to know – not many men would do as he did! Fast forward a few weeks and many many texts and phone calls with only two dinner dates, we have flirted and joked with one another, he has been there for me to cry to when things went wrong and someone for me to celebrate with when things went the way we wanted in a court case as I’ve been a listening ear when he was understandably upset with some things going on in his life. I asked the question where he thought this was going and his response was it’s something we need to discuss. Ok so when are we going to discuss, no answer. I asked when do we go on a third date? his response, soon. I should say he was usually the one to initiate conversation the first three weeks of conversation, but since the second date where we shared a first kiss, I’m the one who initiates most conversations. The paranoid side of me thought oh no, he didn’t enjoy the kiss. I made a joke out of it and casually asked about our next kiss and he said he is looking forward to more. (no we aren’t in high school, I’m actually a grandmother, but haven’t had a serious relationship since things ended many years ago. I concentrated on raising my kids instead of dating and now feel like a fish out of water!) Last night I asked if he thought we were going to see one another again, his response was absolutely. I responded ok, let me know when so I can make plans. mind you, I work two jobs and I’m also trying to build my own networking business. So yes, I am very busy. That being said, I told him numerous times, I will make time to see you, it will be a priority and I don’t want to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past where I put work first and past relationships ended before they had a chance to start. So I’m very mindful of my schedule, but will make time to spend with him…. if he ever decides when that time will be. He did ask last night how he was supposed to “woo” a lady like me, my response was, just be yourself and lets get out and spend time together. (never had someone want to “woo” me, not even sure what that means anymore to be honest. Do men still do that?)

Today he text and asked how my day was going. I told him ok I suppose, it’s been tough as I’m trying to lose weight and there’s birthday cake in the employee lounge, however, I’m sticking to my yogurt and fighting the temptations. He said he was proud of me and wished he could lose weight. I told him he could and maybe it’s something we could do together if he was serious. No response – ok I know everyone overweight says they want to lose weight but they don’t make it a priority, I’m ok with that and won’t pressure him, just thought it could be something we did together.

While I know this is all still very new for both of us, (I should add he is going thru a divorce, has been for almost a year, they live apart and he has signed the divorce papers) I guess I just need to know if we are going to continue getting to know one another like we both agreed we wanted to do, or since he seems right now to not want to communicate as much, do I say ok, I’m done, or do I continue trying to communicate with him and see where things go. I must admit I’m normally NOT one that is great with communicating my feelings, but I’m working on that and trying to be better and be open with people.

Thanks!
Guarded Grandma

Comment: He seems rather flaky. And the fact that he’s going through a divorce is probably playing a role. I wouldn’t quit on him just yet, but, I also wouldn’t set your expectations really high for this guy. He just doesn’t seemed all that committed.

Is it possible he’s been out of the dating scene so long he doesn’t know what to say/do? Sure. That’s why I say don’t give up on him yet. But women like being pursued. He doesn’t seem to grasp that since you’ve made it known you’re interested and he’s dragging his feet. I’m not sure what his deal is but if this continues, then I’d just leave it alone. You’ve pretty much laid out things for him to pick up on, and either he’s too dumb to see it, too inexperienced to notice, or he’s flat out just not as interested as you are. So continue talking to him, feel out the situation, and hopefully you can have your third date sooner rather than later. I just wouldn’t wait around too long for it.
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Hi Steve,

Long time reader here, first time emailing. So my boyfriend (20) and I (21) broke up about a month ago. We had been together for 2 years, and for the past few months I’ve been very stressed out with school work. Unfortunately I took out some of this stress on my boyfriend. We talked a lot online since he lives a couple hours away, and this lashing out never happened in person I always apologized to him afterwards and he was very understanding and said he knew I was just going through a hard time, etc. One day he started being distant, and that’s when he told me wanted to break up. He started bringing up a lot of the things from the past that I thought he had gotten over. Needless to say, no matter what I said to him, he wouldn’t look at me in the eye.

He said he wanted to be friends, so I tried my best to talk to him as normal. Again, these interactions happened online and not in person. He remained cold and distant and would dodge any offers I made to hang out. He’d made up excuses like, “I’m not sure I might be busy with work,” or if I told him we should hang out some time, he would say, “sure” but not follow up on the offer. Usually I was the one initiating the conversations, but it wasn’t until valentine’s day that he messaged me first. He sent me a link to a video with my favourite YouTuber in it. We talked for a bit, but after that he stopped talking to me. After that day, I decided to impose a 30 no contact rule on myself.

It’s been 17 days now, and I can safely say that I’ve healed now. I’ve changed immensely as a person after taking that time to improve myself. I know that I would never lash out him again like that, because seeing him get that angry really hurt me. Part of the reason I lashed out was because I used to to confide in only him, but now I’ve reached out to friends and family for support. I’ve learned to separate my stress at the time from the person that I am, and I know that that was just a rough patch in my life.

I’m considering asking for him back after those 30 days are up. I’m not exactly sure how to approach it, but I do know that I want to explain why I haven’t contacted him for so long, how I’ve changed, and what I would do to improve the relationship if he decides to take me back. I once asked him why he broke up with me, and the main reason was that he didn’t want to get hurt again, and even if I were to change, in his eyes it would take too long. My question is how do I approach getting him back, and do you think that it’s worth it for me to try?

Thanks,
Heartbroken in Hamilton

Comment: Unfortunately, I don’t think a person can fully change in 17 days. You need more time. I don’t think you should go back to him when the calendar hits 30 days. Especially since he doesn’t seem all that jazzed to jump back into anything with you. He’s already told you in his eyes it’d take too long. Even if you told him after 30 days you thought things were better and you’re willing to change, just know, he doesn’t have to believe you. He probably won’t based on what he already said. It happens. Guys get something in our heads about an ex over behavior they showed and it’s basically impossible to get out. 30 days or not. Even if he agrees, and you show you’ve changed, he’s going to be thinking that at any point, the old behavior will strike again. Not saying people can’t change, but just know that’s a long process for the other person in the relationship to buy it. Good luck.
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Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.

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6 Comments

6 Comments

  1. rob22

    March 3, 2016 at 8:58 AM

    From the High Schooler: This is what’s called “Graduating at Christmas”. It happens when a college student, away from their parents for the first time, parties it up & mismanages their time so poorly that they have to come home. Usually the disgusted, and paying, parents are the ones that bring them home. Colleges don’t like to talk about this, but it happens to close to 25% of their student population & 50% of their Freshman enrollees won’t graduate there. That’s an ugly little secret.

    He’s likely pretty embarrassed to have messed up his first opportunity at freedom, and that’s likely why he hasn’t said anything. Basically, he’s come home with his tail between his legs.

    As for any kind of romance. Really nothing good can come of a 16 year old girl dating a college student. You’re in two different places. You’re young and thinking of romance. He a young adult male who’s mostly concerned about getting laid. A lot. By as many women as possible. If he’s smart, he’ll stay away from High School girls. But 19 year olds aren’t often that smart.

  2. rob22

    March 3, 2016 at 11:20 AM

    Does anyone find it amusing that Muddled in the Midwest refused a group date from a guy (who did honestly seem a little sketchy) and then writes in about a group date she just had with another guy? I’m sure there are some details I”m missing, but it wasn’t that long ago that she wrote in on the last one.

    Sounds like the answer…. it must be…. don’t do group dates. They don’t seem to work for you on any level. Because, guess what? If you go on group dates, your friends are going to talk to your man. That’s kind of the point of a group date, so that everyone gets to know one another & so that you aren’t forced to be completely “on” & forced to keep a one on one conversation going.

  3. rob22

    March 3, 2016 at 1:34 PM

    I can lump several of these together in that some women seem to be confused when men say one thing and do another. They say they want to see you, but then they don’t make seeing you a priority. They say they’re into you, but marry someone else.

    Men say all sorts of things. Maybe they say it because they don’t want to tell you the hard truth & look like the bad guy. Maybe they don’t want to shut the door in case you become someone they can sleep with on occasion. Maybe they think of you as more like a friend. Maybe they’re just flaky or crazy. Who knows?

    But you can bank on this fact. If a guy is really into you, really wants a relationship with you and really sees you as a long term relationship, he will see you and see you often. Now, if you’re long distance, no, he won’t see you every day. But damned near every weekend he’ll figure out some way to see you. If he has a job conflict, it might be harder, but he’ll figure out how to meet you for coffee, lunch or a quick drink. He won’t be able to go weeks without seeing you. That’s not the way things work if he’s into you. Write this down. Guys who are into a girl CANNOT WAIT to see you again. So, he’ll figure out how to see you even if he’s really busy and his dog died and he just lost his leg in a ski accident. The leg off thing might be a setback, of course, but he’ll want you to come see him at the hospital. He will BEG YOU to come see him. He might even cry to get you to come see him.

    So ignore what guys say and watch what they do. Believe what they do. That will tell you what you are to him. It’s very simple. Don’t get all twisted around the words that spew out of their pie holes. They don’t mean very much. Now if they do actually tell you that they’re not that into you & want to see other people, you can believe that.

  4. cjscjs711

    March 3, 2016 at 6:10 PM

    I agree for the most part with what Rob22 said.

    Most of the women sound like they want a whole lot more from the relationship than the men ‘involved’ do. They sound like they’re pulling back or certainly not coming forward with as much as the women would like.

    If you have plans to start a family of your own someday, be aware that our biological clock ticks a lot faster than the man’s and once fertility issues surface in a woman, they are complicated, expensive to deal with, and the success rate is much lower compared to male issues. So what I’m saying is, men virtually never feel the same urgency that we do. -Or should! You can waste years and years of your time waiting for someone to come around.

    To the 53 year old – the available dating pool is now going to be quite small. And the ones in it at this age are not going to be nearly as amorous as they were when they were young. I know they all like to imagine they haven’t changed but — So what I’m saying is, if you haven’t yet, the head-over-heels love — not saying it couldn’t possibly happen but it is very unlikely to. At least not with someone your age.

  5. xnuzboss

    March 4, 2016 at 9:48 AM

    Dear Restless, I’ve heard your story or stories like yours many times. You are a classic hotwife or cuckold candidate. It doesn’t work for everybody – and it’s not for everybody – but there are couples who are REALLY into it, whether the husband is submissive or not. I encourage you to explore this, especially at your age. Again, you’re expressing the need in a textbook kind of way.

    Good luck

  6. shouldbeworking

    March 6, 2016 at 8:06 AM

    Has anyone read Emily Maynards book? Is it worth buying?

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