Reality Steve

Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve,” Tabloid Coverage, and BIP Casting News

Hi Dr,

I am currently in college. Last semester I matched with a guy on tinder and we realized we both went to the same orientation camp and met up to catch up. He said he liked me then but he was in a relationship and he just got out of his relationship. We started sleeping together as fwb probably 4-5 nights per week from beg of March-may. I started to get a funny feeling he was back with his ex around April so I casually looked over at his phone when he was texting near me. He kept texting her that he loved her and couldn’t wait to be in the same city as her and he missed her so much. I didn’t say anything or call him out because it was near the end of the year. Once we both returned to our respective hometowns for summer he put her name back in his Instagram bio and started posting pics with her. She did the same. At this point he was still asking me for illicit pics on snapchat and expecting them every day. I finally asked him if he was back with his ex because I didn’t want to keep sending pictures if he was and he said yes. So now I’m torn because his girlfriend should know he was texting her that he loved her when sleeping with another girl but I don’t want to play God in their relationship. Should I tell her or leave her in ignorance bliss?

Thanks,
Confused in Connecticut

Comment: Leave it alone. Let her realize what an ass she’s with. She’ll find out sooner or later. Even if you did say something to her, she probably won’t believe you anyway. I’m just shocked you even bothered to ask him if he was back with his ex. You saw his texts, then you saw him post pics of her on his IG. I think those are two pretty big clues. Yeah, he was still asking you for pictures, but it was pretty obvious what was going on. I’d just let it be. Not someone you want to get involved with. Total pig.
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Hi Steve,

Your site is addictive! I watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette with a group of girlfriends every week, and we mostly just laugh at how ridiculous it is, but your website is like a novel version of UnREAL – more interesting than the show itself, honestly. Keep writing and being awesome, and happy belated birthday!

So, this isn’t a great Dr Reality Steve question, since I’m sure you’ve heard a million variations of this before, but here goes. I’m 26, and I’ve been in my current relationship for almost 2 years. My boyfriend is funny, attractive, smart, and one of the sweetest people in the world. But I’m not crazy-in-love, head over heels for him – in fact, I’m not even sure that I love him, although I think that I might, sometimes. I’ve been thinking about breaking up with him. But, I’m worried about doing it, because who knows if I’ll ever find someone better?

I’ve dated quite a few guys, and it always seems like I’m either not that into them, even though they’re great guys, or really into them, and they’re awful. So, your basic “I’m attracted to bad guys, even though I shouldn’t be” stuff.

So, here’s my question(s): should I break up with my boyfriend, or stick with him? Is it even possible to find a guy that I’m both attracted to and isn’t a piece of human garbage? How should I be looking for guys, and deciding whether they are right for me? There are so many people who say “if you find a good guy, stick with him,” but a lot of people who also say things like “when you find the right guy, you’ll know,” and I’m not sure what to do.

Thanks! You’re the best.

Comment: You’re 26 and you’re not in love with your boyfriend of 2 years. No need to drag it out. Break up with him.

Do you know why you’re not in love with him? Is it because you’re just looking for something better? Yeah, you may be missing out on a great guy because of whatever factors are coming in to play, but, if you were in love with him, I don’t think you’d be having these feelings and emailing me about it. You’re not happy, and for that reason, no reason to make him suffer for it.

However if you’re already admitting that you’re in to bad boys, just know that with that comes a ton of baggage, probably some drama filled relationships, and ultimately, something you won’t be happy about in the end.

As for meeting guys who aren’t complete garbage, of course there are. But if you’re swimming in the pool of bad boys, they most certainly won’t be in there. You’ve probably got a good guy now that when you look back in 10 years you’ll regret dumping, but you’re not in love with him, and you can’t force yourself to be. Where to meet guys is completely subjective. Anybody can meet anyone anywhere.
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Hi Steve,

Sorry if this is too long. Believe it or not, I left stuff out! Anyway, I met a guy online earlier this year and he seemed fine. We met for coffee and then one other time for a quick drink. He was late both times and was overeager in between times. He blew up my phone and expected me to text him the second I woke up. He sent pictures of his homes apropos of nothing I guess to get me to like him. He said he felt he had to impress me and he said he was going to plan a Superbowl/birthday party for me. Keep in mind, we didn’t know each other very well, but he knows I don’t like sports. It came up in conversation that I like white wine, and he went out and bought two bottles of it even though he doesn’t like it. This happened before we’d even met the first time. He didn’t think it was odd. Like why not wait to see if we even like each other/have chemistry in person?

I told him I just want to take it easy and maybe to scale back all the texting and calling. The guy was already acting like my boyfriend expecting to check in all the time. Well, he got offended and made a childish comment. I didn’t even know how to respond to it so I didn’t. Months later, he texted me out of the blue with some inane texts and then said he’d like to see me again if that’s not bugging me too much. I’m thinking, he reached out to me and then had to throw in a stupid comment about bugging me. Let it go, man. So I asked him what he meant by that and it sounds like he’s resentful. He played dumb and finally said he isn’t. I didn’t respond. Weeks later, he texted asking if I’m watching the playoffs (seriously?) and just recently asked what I’ve been busy doing. I didn’t respond either time.

We have little in common, his neediness isn’t attractive, and not being able to just let him know I prefer to take things easy when it comes to dating without him getting petulant is a turnoff.

Steve, you’re a guy. Please explain to me why guys, even in their 40s, act like this. He’s the second guy in his 40s this year I went out with who has tried to force things and glom onto me very quickly. He doesn’t seem to get (or want to get) that I’m not interested and he just keeps texting. Why would a guy want to be with a woman who he has little in common with and whose dating style he doesn’t seem to like? Like why not find someone who is more what he’s looking for rather than pursuing me probably hoping to change me? It makes no sense. It just seems desperate.

I feel like any response to him would just be encouragement, (and asking me if I’m watching sports didn’t deserve a response) but I don’t think he’s going to stop. What should I do?

Thanks.

Comment: Maybe he’s just bored and lonely and has nothing better to do? Not really sure why he’d keep hitting you up when you’ve made it clear you’re not interested in him. If it’s that bad, then just block his number. I’m sure he’ll give up after that.

Not knowing this guy’s dating history or really anything about him, it’s impossible to know why he’s a gigantic douchewad. At least now you know you can cross him off your list. I wouldn’t waste much time thinking about him since he was never really a major part of your dating life. Gotta kiss a few frogs before you find your prince, right?So good luck to you and hopefully the right guy will come along soon. By the way, who you got? Warriors or Cavs?
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Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you next week.

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16 Comments

16 Comments

  1. rollingeyes

    June 2, 2016 at 10:40 AM

    To the person who is so concerned about their friend’s wedding ring: what freaking business is it of yours? If you’re curious, then just ask your friend. If you’re “concerned” Then WHY? If they’re happy and in love, then who the hell cares where the diamond is? Mind your own business.

  2. rob22

    June 2, 2016 at 10:59 AM

    To a lusty old fan: Four words. Watch the show “Catfish”. People Catfish for a number of reasons, but most likely she’s not the age “she” says, doesn’t look as good as the pics she sent you and may not even be a she. Binge watch some Catfish episodes and you’ll get the drift. You’ll watch going “how the hell did these people not know they were in a phony relationship”. Then you’ll realize that’s you.

    BTW: if she’s asked for money, it’s most certainly a scammer who trolls for lonely (and horny) men & uses them as an ATM for as long as they can get away with it. The obvious key is that you’ve never met. If people are truly interested, they’ll figure out how to see you in person. Their reasons for not doing so are just excuses to keep the charade alive. Once you meet & realize they’re not who they say they are, it’s over. So, you’ll never meet.

  3. yellowcrayon

    June 2, 2016 at 11:23 AM

    Tired of the paragraphs about Jojo not listening about Jordan. She’s not in love with him, dude. I find it more believable that it’s a showmance on both ends than anything else. They are both out for themselves and the exposure.

  4. rob22

    June 2, 2016 at 11:25 AM

    Some women sure have an amazing capacity to put up with a ton of crap. For a LONG time, with some of you. Last week I noted that lowering the standards for a first date is a good idea. Don’t screen people out before you know them. But do get to know people before deciding whether you want to pursue a relationship. After a few dates, you should have a good general idea of who they are. Certainly within 2-3 months you’ll have a good idea (it does take quite a bit longer to really get to know them well enough to marriage). Guys don’t really change. If they’re douche-pickles to you in the first couple of months, then that’s who they are. And that’s the best version of them too, because they’re usually on their best behavior in the first 2-3 months.

    But remember, you need to set the standards. If you are OK with being the FWB girl who’s great for letting a guy drop anchor whenever he’s in town, then that’s what you’re going to get. If you let a guy maintain a status quo “I don’t know what” for 6-7 years without a ring, then that’s what you’re going to get. If you tolerate rude & douchey texts from guys you just met, then that’s what you’re going to get.

    For certain, if you had standards you wouldn’t be writing to Reality Steve. These problems would have resolved themselves. You wouldn’t be 6-7 years into a relationship wondering when the ring’s coming because you would have had that conversation in concrete ways by the time you hit 2 years. You’d either be married to the guy, or in a relationship or married to someone else. If you didn’t tolerate guys floating in and out of your bed, then you wouldn’t have some douchey guy using you as a sex vacation from his girlfriend. If you didn’t tolerate guys sending you rude and x-rated texts, then you would have blocked him after the first one & put a quick stop to it.

    You get the relationship you deserve. If you think you deserve better (and you do) don’t put up with crap from guys. They just take advantage of weak girls who put up with them. Life is short. Don’t waste time with these guys. There are great younger guys. I meet them all the time. There are also the other variety of guys. Hold out for the better versions. To be clear, I didn’t say screen someone out of a first date (unless you’ve already seen what a douche they are). But end things quickly and decisively when they reveal their doucheyness. The insecurities you have about not being worthy of a good guy or whatever are just self fulfilling prophesies. There’s a good guy out there for you if you have standards & don’t waste years of your life hanging out with trashy guys.

    And the girl that likes “Bad Boys”, ha! Your life isn’t going to go well. You aren’t even making excuses for having no standards. You’re embracing it!! You’re going to collect ex’s by the truckload & blame it all on them, aren’t you? Most of the Bad Boy lovers I know, are on husband #3 by the time they’re 50, with massive tales of woe. But they keep screwing it up over and over again. Good luck to you. You’ll need it.

  5. crushonspivey

    June 2, 2016 at 3:21 PM

    I really liked JoJo last season, and I still think she is hot. Has a great sense of humor, pretty chill. But, I do not really think she cares about finding a guy this season, either. Not at all. I think she was in it for the $250-300k payout and bonuses for doing the show, the fun of it and to extend her fame. And I have no problem with it because this is all that this show has become. It is just a fake reality show with a good marketing arm. And it has about run its course unless it reinvents itself.

    In the early days, the show was more believable than now, and I actually thought most people were genuine about it. Not anymore. Not one bit. Now it is just fame seekers and egos out for fun and attention, and that show is basically a joke. Chad is the most interesting thing about it, and all he is is a huge distraction from what the show is supposed to be about–which is finding love. But he is a real distraction that shines a light on the absurdity of what the franchise has let itself become.

    Also, man, people like drama and create fake drama in their life as much as the people on this franchise do. Some people just crave that crap. I do not get it. drama sucks.

  6. yellowcrayon

    June 2, 2016 at 3:49 PM

    I have a problem with Jojo as in I think she’s completely fake, like this entire season. How people don’t see her acting is beyond me. Yes, I prefer when the lead is a tad more vulnerable than that. I am already over this season. It’s not about the payout or fame because they all love that.. and I enjoyed Kaitlyn’s season. She admitted taking the gig for her “brand,” but I never felt she was acting or fake.

  7. rob22

    June 3, 2016 at 10:14 AM

    @yellowcrayon: That’s kind of the issue. If you’re “in the moment” like Kaitlyn, you’re going to get crushed by haters for it. Millions of people are watching & judging everything you do. If you “act” like JoJo or Andi, Or Smilin Pete you can come off pretty good during the show. So there are more rewards for being a phony in terms of public perception. That’s assuming, of course, that the show doesn’t decide to give you a bad edit. Always a wild card for every participant.

  8. cresd

    June 3, 2016 at 2:18 PM

    I am the OP who asked the question about the engagement ring. Brevity did me no good in explaining the situation, but you’re right – I should just mind my own business. (Why is that so hard to do sometimes?) There are 7 of us girls in a really tight-knit group and we have watched each other get engaged and married (and some of us, divorced) over the years. Anyways, we have asked our friend where her ring is on multiple occasions. The last time we asked, she told us that she honestly wasn’t sure because she thinks her husband is lying to her. At first, he told her that he took the ring to get it engraved; then the jeweler needed it to customize the wedding band; after that, the jeweler ended up keeping the engagement ring because the wedding band hadn’t been paid for; then after that, the jeweler lost it; and finally, (where we are today), is that the jeweler has ordered a new ring to replace the one they lost. She has had her ring off and on during this time period, but it has been about 6 months since she had it last. These stories don’t pass the smell test as a) the ring was never engraved b) the wedding band she wears does not match or even resemble her engagement ring (definitely wasn’t customized) and c) our friend has become suspicious. Truth be told, the ring has been a major sore spot in their relationship in addition to other problems that they have been having. They love each other, but no, everything isn’t rosy. They live in Las Vegas and we think her husband could have a gambling problem or maybe he has some kind of addiction that she isn’t aware of. Maybe he’s just an asshole. We were just wondering what could have happened to the ring because obviously, he won’t be honest with her. I guess on the other hand, maybe she is not being honest with us? I guess I will just accept that people put up with the relationships that they want to put up with.

  9. ks76

    June 3, 2016 at 5:02 PM

    Hi cresd,

    It sounds like your friend’s husband bought the ring on some sort of payment plan. Sometimes if you purchase jewelry through a retailer payment plan or credit card, the item gets repossessed if you do not pay. This is based on my experience working with jewelry at a major retailer. This is just a guess. My guess is she knows but is embarrassed.

  10. canon

    June 3, 2016 at 6:25 PM

    Some people don’t like rings that catch on things like drawers at the office, etc. and only wear their bands. Not uncommon. She should just ask or mind her own business. Whatever the reason, it’s not really your business.

    If the baggage bugs you before you even meet, don’t meet.

    If you are fine and happy living with someone, don’t let other people influence you to change things. Seems she is fine with how things are until people start telling her she should be engaged. You should be what you want to be, not what others expect you to be. That said…if you want to be married, say so.

    Personally, I’d tell a woman if her man were cheating on her and I gotta wonder why this girl is sending R rated pics to this dude anyway and demeaning herself for his jollies. Have some self respect and steer clear of dishonest people who only want you for sex esp if they have someone who doesn’t know you exist.

  11. Serpephone

    June 5, 2016 at 12:54 PM

    I am curious to see who this Rob22 “guy” is…

  12. Serpephone

    June 5, 2016 at 12:56 PM

    at some point, we have to ask… “Who is this Rob… guy?…”

  13. Serpephone

    June 5, 2016 at 12:58 PM

    I mean, My name is “Rob…” but I’m a girl…

  14. allusernamestaken

    June 5, 2016 at 10:41 PM

    I love this robb22 guy!!! i say that to my friends all the time! his advice is spot on!! i mean, you are a FWB girl and you are expecting something to change? NO it wont!! if you are ok being that, then be it.. if you want more, then move on! you are sending photos to a guy you are hooking up with? that is ridiculous! you dont know where those photos are going! hes probably some creepy photo collector that is looking at your pics while hes having sex with his gf! why are girls so stupid? until i had a ring on my finger i gave no one photos!!!

    second, if you are dating a guy for 6 years dont expect him to one day decide to put a ring on it! you need to decide if this is it and talk to him and ifnot move on! you obviously want to be married and you are just wasting your time in this relationship that isnt going anywhere or to give you what you want.. if you dont want to give him that ultimatum, then dont complain! it is your choice to be dealing with this for the past few years.

    also, to the 70yr od with the 50yr old hot woman! if you have never seen her in person, she is not that good looking! i guarantee you are giving her money and helping her out because she is a ‘single mom’ or she is taking care of her parents! you need to get away from her immediately!! she is manipulative and is seeking out a poor lonely man to talk to!

    the girl with the ring.. that is your friends problem and not yours! she is CHOOSING to be with that man and it is her problem if it bothers her to figure out where the ring is.. yeah, you can be her friend and ask her if she is ok and if she needs someone to talk to coem to you.. but you know what, maybe he does have a gambling problem? maybe he does have girls on the side? guess what! that is not your problem!!! if she wants to talk to you about it, she will… if you cant just be her friend then find other single friends to hang out with!

    people put themselves in such ridiculous situations! if a guy is blowing you up and you are bothered by it.. BLOCK HIS NUMBER!!! it isnt that difficult! if you meet up with a guy and he doesnt call you back when you want him to, move on! dont deal with these behaviours and then come and complain! if a guy can call you in a month and you meet up with him, he will do it again bc he got away with it!!! also, why would you want to date a guy when he is with another girl knowing that if he was dating you he would have another side piece beside his ass?

    dating is hard.. but just dont be stupid! use your brain and if something isnt right move on!!!

  15. rob22

    June 6, 2016 at 7:34 AM

    Serpephone: I get the whole anonymous posting stuff puts everyone in the suspicious category. Who the hell are they, anyway? Phonies, Trolls and Catfishers are real. But I am male and I am posting because, who knows why? I do like to give relationship advice because, being a guy, I’m not misled by what guys say. Women seem to struggle to reconcile the BS coming out of their mouths with the overwhelming physical evidence of what’s really happening. That’s why BS artists can be so effective with getting women to do whatever they want. So, I put in my two cents & hope it helps someone. Not all guys are douches. And, everyone makes mistakes, and minor mistakes should be forgiven. But when guys are doing clearly douchey BIG things and making excuses or telling lies to cover up for their behavior, then let’s call it what it is.

    I also realize that many are going to let the advice go in one ear and out the other & continue on their current path with their douchey guy. I’ve seen this again and again in my personal life. I pretty much stay out of the “giving advice to friends” scenario. I’ve discovered that they really are just complaining and don’t want advice. Eventually, too, it comes back on me when they stay in the relationship & I’m now on the outs. Even if they break up, they’re embarrassed and may not want to hang out with you anymore. So, ring issue writer, my advice when it comes to friends is to stay out of their business. He’s not a serial killer (I hope). All the evidence is there for her, and she probably won’t act on it. Keeping on with her about it will eventually just lose you a friend.

    I can’t really dig into the issues that cause women to maintain destructive relationships. I only hope to possibly deliver a hard wake up call & maybe get them to consider another path. I think, however, there is a lot of fear wrapped up in the bad decisions. If I break up, then….. I’ll have to start over, there might not be another guy, this is my fault, I’ll look like the bad guy to everyone, it’s embarrassing to have another failure, my bio clock is ticking, (fill in the blank). In my experience, fear is the most common reason for bad decision making in most every setting.

  16. Serpephone

    June 8, 2016 at 10:25 AM

    hey Rob: I only commented because most of your advice is spot on… it kind of feels like you do it for a living!

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