-We begin with the guys celebrating Chad is gone by having a Protein Powder funeral. Is it just me, or does it seem like Chad & Alex’s 2-on-1 date was about 3 months ago? So much has happened post show to where it’s almost like all these dates and all these scenes are so less dramatic than what’s happening in real life. Like, great. Chad is gone, the guys are happy, and they’re throwing him a funeral. Since the last episode we saw, Chad got booted from Paradise for being a belligerent drunk and started hooking up with Robby’s ex by getting her to come to Tulsa to visit him. The guys celebrating over Chad’s departure seems so last year to me at this point. But maybe that’s just me. He’s done so many things worse in real time since two weeks ago, I feel their celebration could’ve been even bigger. Like with a Chad piñata and beating the holy hell out of it.
-So then we get the finality of Chad coming back from whistling in the woods to confront the guys one last time. Sure, they made him seem like Jack Nicholson in the “Shining” during the commercial sticking his head against the glass, but per usual with this show, their teasers are more bark than bite. Chad comes in, says why JoJo sent him home, and Jordan offer his hand in peace which Chad then tries to cut the circulation off to his brain by squeezing it forever and ever. Jordan speaks for all the guys just wanting an apology and Chad says, “I’m gonna say what I wanna say when I wanna say it.” So that ends that. No apology and the guys send him on their way, but not before Evan asks if he has his wallet on him to buy him a new shirt. At this point if I’m Chad, that’s still pretty laughable. Evan, in all seriousness, shut up. No one cares about your $9.99 Old Navy Tee anymore.
-At the cocktail party, there seems to be a lot of tension that’s been relieved now that Chad is gone. And what better way to do that for Chase than to take JoJo outside for a little Knockerball, which they played on the football group date. Then again, I would think Chase was probably much more interested in JoJo knocking his balls. I guess this silly game will have to do. They even shared the same ball which looks incredibly uncomfortable. Of course, these two also had to breathe on each other sitting face-to-face on their first 1-on-1 date, so maybe this doesn’t seem out of the ordinary. I’ve seen that on TV and I guess it kinda looks fun. I’m also guessing that thing could cause some serious, serious injury if you bang someone the wrong way. That sounded dirty. You know what I meant. Not to mention these two MENSA’S were knocking each other around in their evening outfits and on the cement. Didn’t anyone teach you kids safety? Lets get a grip on things here people. You’re out of control. Someone’s gonna get hurt. Probably Evan. Even though he isn’t there, I’m sure he somehow indirectly got injured from Chase and JoJo playing Knockerball.
-Robby is up next to take JoJo for a walk. He’s got something reeeeeeeaaaally special planned. He takes her to the wishing well to make a wish. His wish he says is something that could be happening in 40+ days and might involve a ring. Hmmmmmm, what is he talking about? Oh duh. He’s talking about when Chad proposes to Hope, right? You think Robby will attend their wedding or no? Maybe be Chad’s ring bearer? Best man? The possibilities are endless. They flip their coins into the fountain and make out. All I could think of was Neil Page singing “Three Coins in the Fountain” by Frank Sinatra in “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles” when I watched this scene. Not because Robby looks like Steve Martin or JoJo looks like John Candy, but because, well, they threw coins in a fountain. Don’t mind me. I’m getting so inherently bored with this show now, I need to find new ways to entertain myself. I guess following Chad’s Instagram would be a start.
-Hey everyone, there’s a guy named James F. on JoJo’s season! Woo hoo! And they’re showing him get some screen time for what seems like the first time ever at this cocktail party. Any veteran watcher of this show knows this to mean that he’s going home. He tried a last ditch effort to read her a poem he saw, or stole, or whatever and she basically didn’t care. What did the poem say? Something about “heart like a treasure, dreams not far away, and beauty that is she.” Uh huh. Ok, whatever pal. Can you move out of this shot momentarily so we can focus on the guys that actually matter? Thanks bud. Appreciate it. And in comes Alex to piss all over James F’s hopes and dreams and poems. Man that Alex is a little weasel, ain’t he? Can’t a brother get a poem out before Peter Dinklage moves in? Geez.
-Jordan even though he has a group date rose, needs to get some alone time with JoJo because his tongue is getting bored. So he pulls her right around the corner from where the guys are sitting and pins her up against the wall to shove his tongue in her mouth. Something that Chad and Hope looked like they did all weekend as well. In case you haven’t noticed, JoJo is attracted bad boys. And bad boys were once SEC football players who had a very average college career. And bad boys that had like 1,794 girls he was talking to before he left for the show, but now feels like he’s ready to settle down for one. Yeah, that’s why they’re tongue punching each other around the corner from all other 10 guys being as disrespectful as possible. They know cameras are on them and they did it anyway. Fun times for these two love birds I tell ya’.
-Rose ceremony time. Luke, Jordan, and Alex already safe with roses. JoJo: “Incredible week…amazing highs…dark lows…sticking by me…rose ceremony gets harder and harder…and so does Jordan when he has me pinned up against a wall.”
Derek: Weenie butt is about to become everyone’s whipping boy in the house.
Robby: “Three coins in the fountain…Each one seeking happiness…”
Chase: Third rose ceremony in a row where guys who are in her final four were given consecutive roses during the rose ceremony. Lets see if she does it at the next one too (Hint: She does).
Wells: He should give all eulogies at all funerals.
Grant: Squidward is standing on borrowed time.
Vinny: As is DJ Vinny V or whatever his name is.
James T.: Gomer Pyle lives to see another day. Surprise, surprise, surprise.
“JoJo, gentleman, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. We are leaving Pennsylvania after this, right? Like, we’re getting out of the country and finally doing some real traveling? Good. I’ve got some golf to catch up on.”
Evan: Maybe the natives of Uruguay can pitch in and buy him a new shirt. Anything so he’ll stop whining about him.
You know who’s surprised he’s going home? Daniel. Because “if it’s based solely on looks, I’d still be here.” Oh I bet you would buddy. But JoJo’s taking into account personalities and, I don’t know, US citizenship, so I guess that means you’re sh** out of luck. But enjoy your time on Paradise.