-We’re not two minutes into the episode and already JoJo is making her 3rd grade English teacher cringe. “Traveling was one of the most funnest things for me last season.” Really? Funnest? A grown (well, 25 year old) woman still thinks that funnest is a word? By no means am I the Grammar Police since I’ll make the occasional spelling error here and there. But there’s no way I’d ever say funnest. It’s “most fun,” JoJo. In case anyone hasn’t corrected you by now. We then get a Chris Harrison appearance in the episode before the last 5 minutes of the show. Wow. This is like a record or something. He sits on the park bench with JoJo and asks how she’s doing. You know, real deep conversation here. JoJo talks about falling in love, and not getting hurt, and even throws out the possibility that maybe she’ll fall in love with two people like Ben did last season. Only the 840th reference to Ben this season so far, so she’s really doing a great job of holding back. This conversation was pointless and I guess was a time kill before the guys arrived and Chris told them what the dealio was for this week’s dates.
-Chris then goes and greets the boys and the talk with them looked eerily similar to this from back on April 9th, no?
— Kelsey Kinser Evans (@kelskevans) April 9, 2016
He tells them there will be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and for the first time ever, a second 2-on-1 date. Wow. Earth shattering news. Ground breaking. A truly stop-the-presses moment that everyone’s known about for over a month. But hey, I get that you gotta earn your paycheck Chris, so make it seem more important than it is. Especially when the date practically put all of America to sleep. I know. I asked all of them. So the first date card arrives and it reads: “Besame. Besame muchacho.” Now, I don’t quite remember all of the three years of Spanish that I took in high school, but I definitely remember that one. Translation: Good God Wells. You’re light years behind all these other guys, you have no chance of lasting past this date, but for Christ sakes kiss me already. Or something like that. So basically this date turns into the Emasculation of Wells Adams, basically making fun of the guy for not knowing when to kiss JoJo. I hope he buried his head in the sand when watching this.
-JoJo arrives to talk to the guys, and it’s more time to make fun of Wells. The whole thing was around their kissing build up as Wells told the guys he hadn’t kissed her yet. None of them knew that. That was basically like feeding blood to the sharks. Speaking of that, did anyone see “The Shallows” yet? I was busy seeing the “Independence Day” sequel on Saturday, but maybe I’ll catch “The Shallows” next weekend. I mean, I could care less about plot development. Blake Lively is in my top 5. Blake Lively is in this movie. Blake Lively is in a bikini surrounded by a shark in the middle of nowhere. I’m in. I’m sure Rotten Tomatoes probably gave this thing a 1. That’s not important right now. What is important is this movie will probably win an Oscar in my mind. And in my dreams. And that’s what counts the most.
-They walk around Buenos Aires checking out a bunch of street vendors, all while Wells is as nervous as a fifth grader at his first school dance. Then again, I’m not even sure Wells is of legal age to kiss a girl, so maybe that’s what is worrying him. It’s ok Wells. You’re only in your mid 20’s and still sweating out getting to first base with a girl. That is perfectly normal. I don’t think anyone is laughing at you at home. Or back in the hotel. JoJo takes him to the Fuerza Bruta show, which is some hybrid of gymnastics, swimming, crazy lights, and bad acting. They go and see the rehearsal show where some dude on a treadmill gets shot and fake blood is on his shirt. The same white shirt with fake blood we saw in the season preview after episode 1 and everyone freaked out asking me who was bleeding. Basically, no one will ever learn to NOT take everything in the season previews so seriously. They pull the same tricks every season, and every season people fall for it.
-Wells and JoJo then get to replicate that bizarre sequence we just saw, and JoJo is constantly wondering when Wells is gonna make a move. Let me help you out here JoJo. He’ll make a move later on in June during “Bachelor in Paradise” filming and it won’t be with you. I think. You see, Wells needs some liquid courage if he’s gonna actually attempt to get out of the batter’s box with a living, breathing female. So just give him another 4 or 5 weeks and maybe he’ll be ready. Oh, you don’t have that much time? Crap. Dammit Wells, kiss her already! We’re bored senseless. He must’ve heard me because he finally kissed her as they were swimming in the whatever it was. And as you would expect, it was about as underwhelming as you could possibly imagine. When Alex the dwarf is beating you in the make out department, and she can barely tolerate that guy, you know you’re behind the 8 ball. And oh yeah, if you haven’t gotten a date until the 6th episode, that kinda screws you too.
-At dinner, JoJo asks Wells about his last relationship. He tells here they were together on and off for 4 years and he just felt like they were best friends that lived together. Immediately JoJo goes into a speech about being afraid since that’s happened to her before where the romance and love just fizzled aaaaaaaannnd you’re done Wells. Grab this Argentinian t-shirt on your way out the door. Basically, JoJo sees Wells as like her 13 year old brother and not some cheating, womanizing stud of a man she’ll fall in love with for the short time to capitalize on their fame. So with that, Wells doesn’t get a rose and he’s sent packing. Exactly zero people are surprised by this. It’s probably better for him since I really think that Wells is more comfortable heading home and going back to being the Mayor of Friend Zone. They all missed him there. He’s like the PG version of Nick Viall. Nick gets dumped after having sex with the “Bachelorette.” Wells gets told to kick rocks after he kisses them. See ya on Paradise buddy.