-Time for the group date and it is littered with skinny jeans. Like, I literally can’t even. Did they give the guys a heads up they’d be running around kicking a soccer ball, or did they tell them, “No, you guys will be doing the most girly thing possible today” and they all decided to go with the Jef Holm look? I guess the latter. So Robby, Jordan, Alex, James, & Luke all decide to play in an impromptu soccer game wearing jeans that looked like they were spray painted on. And it went about as well as you could imagine. I’m shocked that they’re in Argentina and nobody could’ve rounded up Messi to participate in this and maybe choke away a penalty kick? He must not be a fan of the show. Whatever the case, it came down to penalty kicks where each guy got to take one shot on goal. Whoever made it got a kiss. I don’t even think they showed us everyone, but they made sure to show James since he made his and got a peck on the lips that probably made Wells jealous. This has James all giddy. “I’m on a very quick train that’s headed to JoJo-ville.” I had no idea JoJo-ville was located in Katy, TX where your ass is headed any minute now.
-At the after party (yes, we’re already there now since nothing relevant happened while playing soccer), Luke gets to pull JoJo aside first and gets to do the whole I’m-so-serious-about-you-JoJo thing to where he never smiles, never tells a joke, and never shows any side of him that is remotely funny. He just tells JoJo like 100 different ways how much he’s into her and how much he wants to know about her and how natural and organic their relationship feels. JoJo is smitten by this. “I’m running out of words to describe the level of passion that’s Luke and me together…we have the physical connection down…take a breath…it’s crazy…like cray zee.” Yes we can tell. It’s like your tongues are having sex with each other as we watch cameras zoom in on them. Did his tongue at least buy your tongue dinner and drinks beforehand? Geez. That was quite easy. You should probably tell your tongue to get more standards.
-Back at the hotel, it’s time for Derek and Chase to have a little rolling eye fight with each other. The date card arrives saying “It Takes Two…” and Derek is super confident in his game. Chase isn’t having any of it and says he’s taking it seriously and doesn’t know why Derek is smiling. Apparently Chase is carved from the Luke Pell mold where it’s much easier for him to not smile and not look like he’s having fun and being Mr. Serious all the time. Not like Derek is a barrel of monkeys either, but Chase must’ve had a stick up his ass this day since he’s being kind of a weenie. He’s upset that JoJo is putting him on this date. Also, probably because he knows I think one person in the history of this show has ever been on a 2-on-1 date and ended up winning and now his chances are f***ed. Maybe two people. But basically, as former “Bachelorette” Ali Fedotowsky said in one of her blogs, that you’d never put a guy you were serious about on a 2-on-1. Sooooo yeah, nice knowin’ both of ya’.
-At the after party, it’s James’ turn to grab the baton from Alex and run with it. You know, the guy who uses his time with JoJo to talk about other guys. His victim: Jordan. James feels that JoJo “deserves to know everything about everyone.” Even though the only person he included in his mini rant was Jordan. I guess Jordan is “everyone” this season. He basically says that he’s not Jordan. She asks him what that means and he says that “Jordan Rodgers means celebrity.” Actually that’s not true. I looked it up. Jordan Rodgers means “Raya account user.” He goes on to tell a bizarre story about how he gets the feeling of entitlement from Jordan because of a poker game they played earlier where Jordan explained the rules of the game. This must’ve been one hell of a last ditch effort by producers to stir up drama in an otherwise boring episode. That’s the best they could come up with? I can think of quite a few reasons why Jordan feels entitled and none of them revolve around anything he says during a poker game. Fail.
-JoJo then brings Jordan outside to scold him? I guess? She has a really interesting way of calling Jordan out. We’ve seen it before last week during their 1-on-1 date where she told the bogus story of running into his ex. Like she’s not really mad at all, she just knows it’s a TV show and has to go along with what producers tell her to ask him about, even though she wants to jump his bones the whole time. So she tells him that James brought to her attention there was an “altercation” that was “unbecoming” on his part, where he acted very entitled and snobby. Jordan: “I don’t even know what entitled means.” Well that certainly explains a lot. The whole time she’s “scolding” Jordan for how he acted, she’s like inches away from his face, they’re holding hands, and essentially she is telling him she doesn’t care and would rather make out. It’s like they’re already having ex sex over a silly fight and they aren’t even exes yet.
-Jordan comes back in the room and he is not a happy camper. He’s mean mugging James and it’s so hard to take him seriously when he’s trying to be hard all while furiously stirring a glass of wine in his hands. People ask him why he’s bothered and he asks James, “How’d your conversation go?” James then says he was gonna tell Jordan later what he said, but now that he brought it up, he might as well tell him now. Yeah, good idea. This seemed like the most ridiculous argument this season. All over a stupid poker game that none of the viewing audience ever saw. Again, stirring up drama where there probably even wasn’t any. Jordan does tell JoJo that he wants to be engaged at the end of this thing and wants it work, to which she did a double take to. Probably because that’s exactly what she wanted to hear coming out of his mouth. Although James is still telling the camera that “she doesn’t deserve to be with someone who just wants this for fame.” Touche James. Good one. However, I got an email last night that directed me to this link where someone claiming to be your aunt said that’s exactly why you went on the show. Care to explain?
“He wasn’t even that in to JoJo. Like her well enough but the chemistry wasn’t there.” Funny, watching that episode last night, James made sure to tell us at least 1,000 different times that he was the best guy there for her. Ahhhh, what these people won’t do for a little publicity.