-We begin in Snoozeville, Colorado for Chase’s date. Oh wait, that wasn’t where he resides? Hmmmm, I’m sorry. I wrote that down wrong. It’s Highlands Ranch, Colorado. Forgive me. Got my towns mixed up. He picks up JoJo and she straddles him so we’re off to a very horny start. Chase lets us know his parents were divorced when he was 8, so JoJo will be meeting his dad separately than the rest of the clan. He tells her it was a bad divorce. Hey, no worries Chase. This show will end in the same light for you next week. You can tell Chase was very affected by his parents divorce. Probably affected future relationships, made him more closed off, maybe didn’t open up to women as easily and quickly as they might’ve liked. And oh yeah, it apparently made him void of all human emotion turning him into a cyborg sent from the future to destroy all mankind. Damn, that really was a rough divorce.
-So they go to Chase’s place with the awful interior decorating (a female friend told me to write that) and his dad shows up. Gee thanks Dad. You show up for this but can’t be there for the kids 9th birthday? Or at the holidays? Damn you, Mr. McNary! Chase also lets us know that dad remarried and had “several step children.” Several? Like, 10 or 15? Is he the white version of Antonio Cromartie? Travis Henry? Evander Holyfield? How many is “several?” I’m dying to know. For those who may be unfamiliar with who Antonio Cromartie is, here’s all you need to know. You’re welcome. Anyway, instead of the Dad interrogating JoJo about his son, this turned into a therapy session for Chase. “Why didn’t your first marriage work out?” Really? He’s gonna ask this with JoJo right there? Uhhhh, ok. Awwwwwwwkkkkkward. Dad basically blamed it on being away all the time and traveling. Translation: Affairs.
-So when Chase talks to his dad, his dad reminds him that this is 4 guys and 1 girl. Is that in any way similar to 2 girls, 1 cup? I’m kidding. I think. He asks, “What if it’s not you?” Chase: “I’m not thinking about the ‘what ifs’?” Good. Good to keep your mind off things like that. I like to call it naïve, but hey, you do you Chase. Chase says he fully expects to bring her home as his fiancé some day and he can’t wait. I’m sure the dad’s eyes are rolling around in his head like a slot machine, but he’s gotta put on a good face for his son considering the disappointment he’s already bestowed on him over the years. Chase has been sucked into the “Bachelor” vortex for which there is no getting out. He’s convinced himself, even though he’s never been in love with anyone ever, that he’s now in love with a girl he’s known for a total of 1 month at this point in filming, been on one 1-on-1 date with, and has maybe had a total of 48 hrs spent with her.
-So now JoJo meets Chase’s real family, you know, the ones that didn’t bolt when he was 8. They meet his mom Sandy, step dad Brad, sister Brittany, brother-in-law Brian, and nephew Everett. And I’m very scared. I mean, they seem nice and all but something she said absolutely terrified me. When describing Chase, she said “he’s done a great job of evolving.” UH. OH. Run JoJo run! You know who evolves? Students of Professor Finley on 90210! This was the only clip I could find. So bummed it cut off where it did. When Kelly walked in is where it got good…and Finley got suuuuuuuper creepy.
I swear I wanna go watch that whole season again right now just because of that clip. And I think I will once this season is over.
-After evolving, Chase joins us back in reality and he lets us know exactly what he doesn’t want to happen to him as he tells his sister, “I don’t want to put anyone through what dad put us through.” Oh boy. Dig that knife a little deeper into pops, why don’t ya’? That’s gonna sting a little bit. Man, dad was probably sitting at home minding his business with his new family and multitude of children he had with his new wifey, then all the sudden he’s thrown into this sh**storm and reminded what a crappy father he was. I bet he wasn’t expecting this. Here’s an open letter to every future family whose child has a hometown date on this show: When producers call saying they’re coming, don’t pick up the call. Or give them the wrong address. Or just tell them “go f**k yourself. We’re not coming on this show.” It’ll be much easier on you, trust me.
-When he’s talking with his mom, she has an assessment of JoJo after a few minutes of talking to her. “She’s darling, great laugh, loves dogs, hates fish.” That’s what you were able to gather? Well, I guess points for paying attention. She asks him if he thinks he’d be ready to propose. Chase’s response? “Are you kidding mom? I’ve barely had a dinner with her. That’s ridiculous. I’m not even close.” Kidding. It was the opposite of that which was, “Yes. No doubt. I don’t know what love is, but I sure do love this one I’m dating on TV that I barely see or talk to.” Then Chase puts down the glass of Kool Aid and begins rehearsing more lines. He walks JoJo out to the car and tells her he’s falling in love with her again. Just to make sure she knows that before she leaves and he’s in good standing. Because by golly, if you don’t do that, you’re screwed. You need to shoe horn that in there while she has one foot in the SUV before boarding. Will always make her feel all the fuzzies inside. Good job, Chase. Enjoy next week.