Hey Dr. RS,
This isn’t like a major pressing issue, but since you’re constantly trying to drum up questions I figured I’d throw my question in the hat. I’m definitely curious about what you have to say.
I’m in my early thirties, have a great job, and overall I love my life. I have a lot of different hobbies and stay pretty busy but the reality is that I get lonely sometimes. I haven’t seriously dated anyone for over 3 years. I have done the online dating thing and it wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great either. I just got tired of investing all of this time online and in person to meet guys I end up having no interest in dating long term. I’ve made some great platonic friends though! My area is notorious for not having a great selection of single guys so I didn’t expect much, but I quickly got to a point where it wasn’t worth the time and energy. Online dating basically feels like job interviews to me. It’s just such an unnatural way to meet someone and there’s all this pressure because you’re meeting with dating specifically in mind. In any case I tried and it just didn’t work out for me.
I’ve always prescribed to the notion that it’s better for single folks to invest their time in doing things they love rather than focusing on dating. Because if/when you meet someone doing something you love you automatically have something in common, there is less pressure and a relationship can develop more organically. But I’ve been doing this for years. I play indoor soccer once a week, go to yoga classes, go out to local events and concerts, snowboard and skateboard whenever I can. I always say yes to invitations to see or do new things. I feel like I’m putting myself out there constantly and I meet a lot of different guys but nothing comes of it. The few times I’ve felt a connection over the past few years the guy was either taken, not interested, or ends up flirting with me but going home with someone else (that happened at a wedding literally 3 weeks ago).
I’m doing my best to just keep living a fulfilling single life and hope that I will eventually click with someone. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m trying to accept that I may never connect with anyone and could spend the rest of my life single … happy and lonely. I know that is kind of irrational but it’s been so long since I felt connected with someone it’s hard to remember what it’s like or to imagine it ever happening again.
So what say you, Dr. Reality Steve? What is a single girl to do? Am I on the right track or do you think my theory is bogus? Should I just shut up and be happy that everything else in my life is so great? I know a lot of people out there have a lot of real problems in their lives and 99% of the time I’m incredibly grateful that my biggest “problem” is being single. But there’s still that 1% of the time that I wonder if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m going about things completely wrong. Anyway thanks in advance for your advice, I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.
Single and trying to Mingle
Comment: Well there’s no magic formula to meeting someone. Some people get set up by friends. Some meet at bars. Some meet online or dating apps. It could happen anywhere and anytime. Obviously the more people you date, the better chance you have of finding someone. Or you can be like myself and just date very few people and only invest time into ones you think have potential. I’ve never been a numbers guy in the dating world. Just not my style. But I’m single, so that obviously hasn’t worked as of yet. I still wouldn’t change my approach. I’d just never be comfortable dating as many as possible and hoping to find one.
I think most people who are single for a while will always come across the “maybe I just never will find the right person” phase. I’ve certainly thought it a few times. Would I like to meet somebody? Sure. I’m just not gonna force it. So you’re not doing anything wrong, and there’s nothing wrong with you either. It’s just through a variety of factors, you just haven’t met the right person yet. I know, sounds cliché, but it’s true. If you had, you’d be in a relationship right now. So my suggestion is to enjoy what you have going on, don’t force anything that you don’t want to, and eventually I guarantee you’ll meet someone you connect with. Doesn’t mean you’ll run off and get married, but baby steps first.
Hi Steve! Figured I’d give this go and get some unbiased input.
So the guys I have really liked in the past and continue to be drawn to are confident, very fun, funny (witty), well spoken and quite intelligent. These are the types of guys I may ‘date’ very briefly and much to my dismay (with the exception of just a few) always demonstrate they are uninterested in having anything long term with me, thus leaving me single for many years.
Fast forward to a few years ago. I moved across the world to start a PhD. Still single. Continued looking for the same type of guy I always go for (can you blame me?!). Went online dating and instead found this really sweet, kind, ambitious, very intelligent guy that I got along with really well. We started dating and continue to this day.
Here is the thing- he is socially awkward. Not funny at all. It’s actually kind of funny how unfunny he is. He grew up in a secluded town and was home-schooled, which I’m sure led to his awkwardness. He barely has any friends and because he is so awkward I find it easier (less pressure on me) to just keep my friends separate from him.
However, he is so nice to me. We have the same outlook on life and completely on the same page with future plans. He supports me in everything I do and plan to do. He does tend to agree with me but I know he will disagree when need be. When we are together, life is nice. It’s not exciting, but instead cozy and pleasant. He is so knowledgeable that I love to talk to him-but it is usually me pushing conversations as I am much more of a talker. I love to travel and have adventures and he is always up for doing these things, but it’s usually more my ideas and he would go along.
We rarely fight but at the same time rarely have these magical times as well. Everything is sort of neutral which is something I am not so accustomed to. I am passionate, super fun loving, silly, and outgoing. When I am with him I am just dialed down. I, myself have become more neutral I suppose.
I say I do not need or really want to get married, and it is true but I do wonder if it is because I am not dating someone I passionately and whole hardheartedly want to get married to. I also wonder if me not really wanting to have children has to do with not finding a partner I would LOVE to procreate with. (my justifications for not wanting either do not point to that.. but I just wonder).
At 26 or even 30 Id tell myself to see how it goes for a bit. But I’m now 35, friends back home are all married with children and tied down to a huge mortgage payment in a suburb. Although that is not the life I SAY and THINK I want…it is the time I need to really make a decision if I do not want that or not.
I’m at a loss. I do want this ‘fairytale’ love that I see and hear about..but at this point, is respect, stability, opportunity to achieve any goal I can imagine (yup he’s that supportive), consideration enough for a LIFEtime? Especially when our future will likely be just me and him. (I do have very close friends and family but they are all so far away-and I am not sure I will every permanently live there again).
What do you think? Break up to search for passionate love with someone fitting the description of what I have always wanted (even though they never seem to want me back) OR stay with the nice, pleasant life I have created for the last few years?
Fairytale or bust
Comment: Do you think this “passionless” relationship with someone who doesn’t excite you all that much will sustain? I don’t know. I’m not you. My guess is it won’t, but that’s just me. By the sounds of it, it looks like you’re kinda settling and little bored by it all. And maybe just the thought of starting over, getting out there again in the dating world, meeting new people etc just doesn’t appeal to you because you seem to be complacent with your current guy. I’m glad there isn’t a whole lot of negativity in your relationship, or some of the stuff you read here on a weekly basis, but being with someone you’re not all that excited about, in my opinion, will wear thin after a while.
Not saying go dump him tomorrow, but you said you keep him separate from your friends, and that if there was a future with him, it’d pretty much just be the two of you because of where you are located and such. Do you really think you want that to be the guy you possibly spend the rest of your life with? I don’t know. I just get the sense you’re already trying to talk yourself out of him. I think most people when in a relationship wanted to be stimulated in every way possible by their partner. It doesn’t sound like you are.
But first I do think you need to decide for sure what you want out of it all, and relationships in general. Like you said, you need to make a decision for sure if that’s the life you want, or if there’s still a possibility you’d want kids, etc. Once you make that final decision, I think you’ll know what you need to do with this current guy.
Checkin in for a doctors appointment!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 awesome years. We went on a trip this last weekend that knocked a few things off our bucket list and really just brought us closer together. We’ve talked about seeing a future with one another and not wanting to be without each other, but haven’t really gone into a lot of specifics. Just let things happen as they have. He told me yesterday he thinks we will be together for a long long time. My heart soared, after being in an extremely manipulative and abusive relationship I have never felt such an awesome love like this before. I have no doubts we have a bright future ahead!
I am writing because I don’t want to be overbearing. How much is too much? I want him to know and see how loved he is, but I don’t want to go to over the top. We are around your age, and so from a male perspective (I know you are all different) what makes you feel loved? And what makes you feel like your SO is being way way too clingy?
Any and all advice would be appreciated!
Comment: Well the trip you just took is a huge one. And it sounds like he’s pretty invested, so that’s a huge start. But what works for me might not work for him. I wouldn’t get too carried away because you have a good thing going. I wouldn’t change anything based on what he said. I don’t know if you guys live together or what, but if you don’t, maybe that’s the next logical step after 2 years?
This was an email that didn’t talk about what her boyfriend doesn’t do or anything negative, so that was refreshing. Keep it going. I don’t know how much you guys see each other, but it sounds pretty solid for 2 years and he said he can see you together for a long, long time. Can’t beat that. I’d move in together if you haven’t, but if you already are, or that’s not an option, then keep spending time with him. Go on another trip. Surprise him with a dinner. Or a getaway weekend. Seems like he knows you’re invested too, so, don’t overthink it and just go with the flow.
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